“I didn’t mean it like that!” Dani threw her hands over her mouth in fear that she upset me. “I’m sorry!”
“Dani, I’m messing with you.”
She pointed her finger at me, and her jaw dropped. “She’s sarcastic!” She looked over at Matt and James with just as much surprise. “She’s sarcastic!”
“Yea, we caught that,” James said, rolling his eyes.
“Anyway,” I pushed her finger out of my face. “What are we doing with my hair?”
“Whatever you want, that’s the point.”
“Do you know someone that can do it for me? Because I don’t.”
“Yes, you do! I can do your hair!” She threw her hands in the air with excitement.
“What?” I was officially confused.
“I’m taking cosmetology at the college a couple of days a week. I almost have my license. I can do your hair.”
“Really?
“Really! I promise. You can trust me.”
“You can,” Matt looked up from his textbook and chimed in. “She’s really good.”
“Thank you, Matthew.” She nodded at him with approval. “See? I can do it.”
“I’m not doubting you,” I explained. “I just didn’t know you could do it. I’m down. But give me a week.”
“We will study, and brainstorm and we will do it right, I promise!” She wrapped her arms around me again and squeezed me tight.
“Another hug,” I laughed. She was a hugger, but I adored her.
Two hands slammed down on the table abruptly, making me jump out of my seat.
“What the fuck did you do to my car?”
Aiden’s face was so red I thought it was going to explode from the rest of his body. Ashleigh trailed behind him looking just the same.
“What are you talking about?” I asked, trying to remain oblivious and not scared from his outburst.
“Don’t be an idiot, I know what you did.” His voice was rising quickly, it wouldn’t be long before everyone in the cafeteria was staring. “You’re still mad about that stupid date so you egged my fucking car?”
My palms were starting to sweat. No guy had ever yelled at me before.
“Maybe you should calm down,” Matt interrupted, his cool demeanor gone and his eyes dark. Aiden didn’t even acknowledge him.
“Admit that you did it,” he demanded, his hands still gripped to the edge of the table.
“I didn’t do anything,” I tried not to falter.
“Really?” Ashleigh stepped in. “Who else would’ve done it to both of us?”
“I don’t know, make any bets lately?”
Her eyes turned to slits so small I could barely see her pupils. “When are you going to get over that?”
“You’re the one screaming about eggs,” I mocked them.
“I know you fucking did it,” Aiden scolded again.
“Dude, she said she didn’t do it. Move on.” James jumped in, looking pissed off.
“Let us know if you ever catch the guy,” Dani chirped, her smile as big as ever.
Ashleigh rolled her eyes and pulled at Aiden’s arm, removing themselves from our table. The moment they were gone I took a deep breath. I knew I would be able to handle Ashleigh, but I hadn’t expected to need to handle Aiden as well. A guy had never talked to me like that before. I’d gotten in fights with my brother, but he was family. Aiden actually scared me.
Dani reached for my hand in my lap and held it tightly.
“Are you okay?” she asked quietly, peering at me.
I nodded quickly, still trying to breathe. “I should’ve known he’d be mad, right?”
“We should’ve assumed he’d guess it was you. Bad call on my part.” She squeezed my hand again. “I didn’t think that would happen. That’s never happened to me before. I’m really sorry.” Again, here was this girl proving to me what a real friend was.
“Don’t be. It was totally worth it.”
“Dani,” Matt’s voice was stern. “What did you do?”
“Psh, nothing.” Dani quickly started scrolling through her phone. “But hey, side note, look at this super cute picture Becka and I took the other night.” She turned her phone to the table, and it was the selfie she took of us in front of Aiden’s egged car. Matt and James broke out in laughter, I couldn’t help but do the same.
“I knew it. I freaking knew it.” James clapped his hands.
“When did you do this?” Matt grabbed Dani’s phone to get a better look at the picture.
“Friday night, after you two losers fell asleep.” She beamed with happiness. She wrapped her arm in mine and put her head on my shoulder. “It needed to be done.”
“It most certainly did.”
Dani asked question after question throughout the week about my reinvention. I had to choose between colors and fabrics randomly throughout the day as well as hairstyles of famous people I would never look like. She was dedicated to this project, and I appreciated it immensely, but it was also surprising. Ashleigh rarely showed interest in anything that involved me without me begging her to, it was different to have someone who was so involved but also wanted to be.
Music was blasting through my headphones as I ripped clothes from hangers and tossed them from pile to pile. It was almost relaxing, throwing away a part of me I didn’t want anymore. I wanted a fresh start with only things that I approved of. Something about it was therapeutic. When I got to the back of my closet, I found the tote of clothes from my past. I took off my headphones and took the tote out to my room, reliving my large days.
I recalled wearing so many of these, having to pull them away from my midsection so no one could see just how tight it really was, even for a 2X. Normally I would never go through this tote, basically ignoring that it was even there, but this time was different. This time I didn’t feel ashamed. It was a reminder that I changed my life once, I could certainly do it again. The only difference was it wasn’t seventy-five pounds I had to lose, it was 110 and her name was Ashleigh.
“Hey, what are you doing?”
A knock on the door took me out of my trance. Ryan was peeking in curiously at me.
“Going through my fat days.”
“Why? It only makes you sad.” He came in and sat on the floor with me.
I shook my head. “It’s different this time.”
“How?”
“It’s like…I know I’m not this person anymore, and I almost feel proud of myself. Does that make sense?”
He nodded. “Yea, and it’s about damn time.” This made me laugh. “Seriously though Becka, you lost all that weight and instead of ever being proud of yourself, you acted like you were still that person. It’s about time you realize what you did and how awesome that is.”
“Thanks, Ryan.” I held up a shirt that I used to call my favorite. “I think it might be time to throw them out.”
He shrugged. “I mean you could, but that’s not nearly as much fun as lighting it on fire.”
“What?” He had lost his mind.
He laughed and got to his feet before ruffling up my hair. “I’m just saying, these clothes were a big part of your life, why not burn that part down before moving forward?”
Not a bad idea.
Friday night came, and I couldn’t wait. Movie night had become the thing I looked forward to most. These three people had shortly become such a constant in my life, I was grateful.
I knocked on the door and Matt let me in once again, Rocky not far behind him.
“Hi, Becka.”
“Hey.” I put my stuff down before dropping to the floor and getting kisses from my favorite dog.
“How come I don’t get greetings like that when I come home?” Matt joked, petting Rocky while he kissed me.
“Grow some boobs,” Dani said, making us all laugh.
The movie selection for the night was Scream. They were older and had lost their fear, but it was still fun to watch with everyone. We joked about the stupidity of the people in the f
ilm, as well as made fun of me when I jolted from a scare. It was a good time.
James fell asleep first, of course. At the end of the second movie, Matt decided to turn in for the night.
“What? We are about to start the third,” Dani scolded him.
“Dani, I’m beat. Just watch it without me.”
“Don’t be such a quitter, Shawn.” She threw a piece of candy at him and it hit the side of his face.
He closed his eyes and exhaled, clearly irritated by his nickname. “Whatever. Try not to vandalize anything else while I’m asleep. Becka can’t handle prison.” He smiled over at me, making me laugh.
“I’ll try my best.”
Matt went to bed, Rocky not wanting to leave my side once again. We gave it a couple minutes before we continued with our plans.
“Did you bring the stuff?” she asked.
“Yeah, it’s in my car.”
“Perfect. Go grab it and meet me in the backyard.” It was going to be a good night.
I awkwardly carried the tote to the backyard and found Dani setting up the firepit. She was stacking logs of wood like a teepee, the porch light guiding her way.
“Do you need any help?” I asked.
“No, I got this.” Once her fire was built, she took out a bottle of lighter fluid and practically drenched the wood. She clicked the lighter and the backyard lit up like a pumpkin. The fire was alive instantly, crackling the wood as it grew. It was beautiful. I found my old favorite shirt inside the tote and met Dani next to the fire.
“Are you sure you want to do this?”
I nodded my head. “This is the end of the old me and the beginning of the new.” I was about to put the shirt in the fire, but Dani wrapped her hand around my wrist.
“Wait! It’s the song!”
“What song?”
She ran around the fire and into the house, leaving me entirely confused. She came back outside with her phone and a Bluetooth speaker. A familiar song started coming out of it, but I didn’t understand what she was getting at.
“Do you get it?” she asked, her eyes the size of golf balls.
“I can’t say that I do.”
“It’s Closing Time.” She pointed at the speaker as the song played. “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”
It was perfect. “It’s closing time.”
“It’s closing time.” She stood next to me and held her hand in mine, being there with me for the next step in my life. “On three?”
“One…two…three.” I threw my old favorite shirt in the fire and I watched my old life burn away with a stack of wood.
We kept Closing Time on repeat and put piece by piece of old me into the fire. Every extra-large shirt, every plus-size jean, it was all burning away before my eyes.
The sliding door to the backyard opened and Matt emerged from it. He looked sleepy in basketball shorts and a dark hoodie.
“Hey,” I said quietly.
“Hey,” he nodded at the fire. “What are you guys doing?”
“Uhm…” I was trying to think of a way to say what we were doing without saying what we were doing. “A ceremony.”
I could tell he wanted to smile but he was skeptical. “A ceremony of what?”
“Of new beginnings, I guess you could say.”
He did smile this time. “This has Dani written all over it.”
“It was my idea, actually.”
“Really?”
I nodded. “She definitely had influence, but, yea.” I felt awkward, unsure of what to do next. “Do you want to… burn stuff?”
He shook his head. “No, I’m good. I will stay and watch though if that’s okay?”
“Yea, okay.” I backed away slowly, reaching for more clothes from the bin to burn. Matt sat in one of the lawn chairs, still just as intensely quiet as usual. He was interesting. Nice for sure, but too quiet to know anything about him.
“What’s he doing here?” Dani asked as she threw a pair of leggings into the flames.
“Said he just wants to hang out.”
“Really?” she looked surprised.
“Yeah, why?”
“Nothing.” She shook it off, like it really was nothing.
We burned the remainder of the clothes and sat down with Matt to watch it all melt away as Closing Time still played continuously.
“That was quite the ceremony,” Matt joked.
“It was therapeutic,” Dani said.
“It was perfect,” I added.
“Question,” Matt said, “why is Closing Time playing on repeat?”
In unison, we answered, “every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.”
Seven
We had spent the last two hours in the mall and my arms were overflowing with shopping bags. After digging through endless racks, we had found the works: pairs on pairs of jeans, average t-shirts, prints, leggings, and shoes.
“So, who exactly is Becka?” Dani was examining me. “What exactly would the real Becka wear?”
“Not complicated, basic jeans and a t-shirt. I’m not opposed to dressing up once in a while, but not every single day.”
“I think you would look great in bohemian clothes.” The excitement in her voice was impossible to miss. “Like think about it, lace and patterns and crocheted tops and fringe and rings! Becka! We have to get you rings! I think that would be you. It’s easy enough to put together but still a style choice. What do you think?”
“That sounds great.” I was honestly excited.
“Have you decided on your hair?”
I nodded greatly. I had been searching online for the perfect style and I think I had finally found it. I scrolled through my pictures until I found my inspiration look. I showed Dani and this was officially the biggest smile I’d seen yet.
“Are you serious?” she squealed. “This is what you want to do?”
“Is it too much?” My nerves came back immediately.
“No, no, no! Not at all! This is so badass!” She kept looking back and forth between me and the picture. “You are going to look amazing.”
We got back to her house and Dani set up her salon in the bathroom. She was wearing a black apron with gloves to match. There were bowls of dyes mixed on the counter and a pair of scissors staring at me.
“Good lord,” I was nervous.
“Don’t freak out, this is going to be great.” She turned on her Bluetooth speaker and got to work.
“So, can I ask you something?” I asked her.
“Go for it.”
“What was it like growing up with a twin?”
She smiled. “It was whatever, I mean, I always had someone to play with and whatnot. It got annoying when we were in middle school and people would say we looked alike and I thought that meant I looked like a boy.”
I laughed. “You look nothing like a boy. Or Shawn Mendes.”
She roared her head back in laughter. “Oh my God, I love giving him shit about that.”
“When did that start?”
“Last year, there was a group of freshman girls just staring at Matt during lunch one day. He ignored them, but then we noticed them staring everywhere we went, and I just figured they thought he was cute. But one day I was super PMSing and I wanted to know why they wouldn’t stop staring. So I went to them and asked what they were staring at. And they told me we think your friend is so cute, he looks just like Shawn Mendes, and I lost it! Matt had freshman groupies!”
“And you’ve just been giving him shit ever since?”
“Not just me, James does it too. Not nearly as much as me, but still. I’m not alone.” She calmed her laughter before continuing. “But anyway, being compared to him all the time is where the dreads came in. I was sick of people saying we looked alike. I mean, I get it, we’re twins, but we aren’t identical. And I just wanted to look like my own person, so I did this to my head so people would always be able to tell the difference between us. As if our gender wasn’t enough.”
She shrugged. “Dad didn’t care much, still doesn’t.”
“And your mom?”
She paused for a second before speaking. “My mom died when we were ten.”
“Oh, damnit. Sorry Dani.”
“It’s all good, you didn’t know.” She kept going like there was no awkwardness. “I will never forget there was this day at school, we had a substitute and she called our names for attendance. And, of course, when they say Murphy, Danielle, and Murphy, Matthew, the teacher always looks up and asks if we are twins. Well, this sub stared at us and was like ‘you look exactly alike!’ and everyone laughed. I was so irritated with always looking like Matt and not looking like me, I went on YouTube and looked up how to dread hair and here we are.”
“So, when you told me you had some experience in being lost, that’s what you meant?”
“You guessed it.”
Dani continued to work on my hair, looking super serious in the mirror’s reflection. I wanted to talk to her about something, but I wasn’t’ sure how to start. Having serious conversations about myself wasn’t my strong suit.
“I wanted to talk to you about the carb thing.” I said it quickly, not leading up to it or giving her any sense of warning.
“Okay?” Her reflection looked skeptical, but I went with it.
“Last weekend, when we went to the diner and we had the whole waffle/omelet dilemma, it wasn’t really an “other-half” problem. It’s more of a me problem.”
“Okay? What does that mean, exactly?” I took a deep breath, trusting my gut that telling her was the right call to make.
“I told you how I used to be fat and everything, but it was pretty bad. I had a health scare and I was one percentage away from being labeled pre-diabetic.” I watched her eyeballs grow wide in the mirror, but I didn’t let that stop me. “Ever since than I’ve eaten healthier and maintained a low level of carbs because my body doesn’t process it like normal people. So when I was trying to tell you guys that I can’t eat carbs, I literally can’t.”
Dani put the brush with the dye back in the bowl and sat on the bathroom counter, looking at my eyes with her own, not through a mirror. “Why didn’t you just tell us that? Or me?”
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