“So, you mean you always have makeup on?” Dani asked. “Like always?”
I nodded. “Aside from right now, yeah.”
She shook her head at me. “You don’t have to be put together one hundred percent of the time. We are human, and you should be allowed to wear whatever you want, whenever you want.”
“It’s complicated,” I uttered, knowing it wouldn’t help my case. I looked across to Matt and found him watching me. It wasn’t creepy, it was like he was really listening.
“We are going to have to change that,” Dani stated. “And soon.”
When it was time to order, I got a look. I was used to looks from Ashleigh, especially when it came to what food I chose to eat. But even with my new friends, I still got a look. Matt ordered his waffles. Dani ordered her waffles. I ordered a spinach egg white omelet.
“What?” Dani was in shock.
“I want the omelet,” I said again.
“What are you doing?” Dani wiped her hands over her face in frustration. “How are you not ordering waffles? I told you they have the best waffles.”
“Becka,” Matt enlaced his fingers and looked at me with such seriousness. “I don’t think you are comprehending how amazing these waffles are. They are like God’s gift of breakfast.”
“They are the best things you will ever have,” Dani whispered as if it was sacred.
“You have to order the waffles,” Matt said again. “You have to.”
I sighed. “Guys, I can’t eat waffles.”
“Why?” They both asked with such curiosity and confusion.
I sighed again, ready to let it loose. “I don’t eat carbs.”
“Oh my God,” Dani said with a whisper, but it came out like she was disgusted. “You have got to be kidding me.”
I shrugged. “I don’t eat carbs.”
“Why?” I was about to answer but Dani held her hand up in protest. “If your answer has anything to do with the other half, I will hurt you.”
I exhaled loudly. “It’s more complicated than that.” I really didn’t want to explain that it wasn’t just Ashleigh forcing me to eat healthy. It was me. I worked really hard to make my body what it was. I tried to stay away from any unnecessary carbs.
Dani chose not to hear me. “She changed her mind. She will have the waffles.”
Matt explained, “sorry for the mix-up.”
The waitress smiled at us as she scribbled on her pad. “Coming right up, guys.”
They both looked over at me with a smile.
“Glad you made the right choice Becka,” Dani told me.
“Did I have an option?”
In unison, “Nope.” And that was the end of that.
Twenty minutes later, after comforting chatter, a plate with a huge, golden brown waffle sat in front of me. It was sprinkled with powdered sugar and mixed berries. It was beautiful.
“Woah.”
“Told you,” Dani said with a smile, already unwrapping her fork. “You are about to experience life, my friend.”
I couldn’t take my eyes off the waffle. “Do you expect me to eat all of this?”
Matt laughed quietly. “You won’t want to stop eating.”
And they were right. It was the best waffle I had ever had. It was crisp on the outside and steaming on the inside. The sweetness of the berries made it melt in your mouth. Matt wasn’t wrong, it was God’s gift of breakfast.
“What do you think?” Dani asked with a mouth full. I couldn’t even blame her. “Are they not the best?”
“They are,” I mumbled through my napkin covering my mouth. “Like seriously, the best.”
“I told you!” Dani spat again. “I knew you couldn’t resist.” She leaned her head on my shoulder with a smile.
“Worth the carbs?” Matt asked, half his plate already gone.
“Totally,” I nodded, taking in another bite. I smiled back at him, feeling genuinely happy. It was something I missed.
We ate our waffles in bliss and enjoyed the morning. Being around decent people was taking my mind off the fact that I was in public wearing sweaty gym clothes with unkept hair, no makeup, and I was breaking my very strict diet. Okay. Maybe not completely.
“I’ve got it!” Dani raised her fork in the air and shouted.
“What?” Matt and I both looked at her with bewilderment.
“You need help rediscovering yourself and who you want to be, not who they think you should be. And I’m going to help.” She was smiling again.
“What are you talking about?” I was so confused.
“You have been brainwashed and need reprogramming. And I’m gonna do it. I’m going to help you find you again.” She had an extremely confident smile plastered on her face. She looked more determined than ever.
“Dani, we went from eating waffles to you shouting. Can you please explain your thought process?” Matt seemed to know his sister very well.
“Okay, so I’m thinking that Becka, our lovely Becka,” she wrapped her arms around me and held me close, “is trying to rediscover herself. She doesn’t know who she is, and we should help her.”
Blush flooded my face. She was talking so openly about me. It wasn’t like she was being rude, she was just being honest. But I didn’t know how to respond.
Matt nodded his head in agreement. “Alright, I am following along.”
“Becka has been told what to do for years now, it’s time that she decides for herself.”
“Can we please talk about something else?” My heart was starting to beat in my ears. I trusted Dani. After the night we spent talking to each other, I knew I trusted her. She wasn’t talking about me to be malicious, but that didn’t mean I wanted everything about me out there to everyone, regardless if he was her brother or not.
She pointed her fork at me. “But I’m not wrong.”
No, she wasn’t.
When I got home, Rhylie and Mom were in the backyard blowing bubbles. Mom looked beautiful in the sunlight, her freckles bouncing off her face. Rhylie was running around the yard in a green tutu and a bedazzled crown. The bubbles she had been blowing were floating above her head, allowing her to run through them. It looked like the definition of pure happiness.
“Hey, Mom.”
“Hi, sweetie,” she smiled and sipped lemonade from a straw.
“Becka!” Rhylie spotted me and came charging. She wrapped her arms around me but let go quicker than usual. “You stink!” She plugged her nose and backed away from me. She moved around me and peered her eyes through the window. “Are your friends back to color with me?”
“Not today, but they said they would be back soon.” My words made her smile. “Go do bubbles, I want to talk to Mom.” She took off skipping in her tutu.
“What’s up?” Mom had a seat on the steps of the deck, and I joined her.
“I’m tired of being the other half of Ashleigh Simmons.”
“And you should be. You should be exhausted at this point.” She kept blowing bubbles with Rhylie. “What do you want to do about it?”
“Dani wants to reinvent me. She wants me to start doing everything that I want to do. She wants to help me find me again.”
Mom smiled. “I think that is a great idea.”
“You do?”
“Of course, I do.” She put her arm around my shoulders. “I’ve always told you to be yourself because everyone else is already taken. You can’t be Ashleigh.”
My phone dinged in my pocket, alerting me of an update on one of my accounts. Dani Murphy (@damn_dani) has requested to follow you, Matthew Murphy (@m_murphy) has requested to follow you, and James Robertson (@justjames21) has requested to follow you.
“I don’t want to be Ashleigh,” I said with all honesty. “I don’t.”
“Then stop being her and start being you.”
I woke up early before school Monday morning and immediately went for a run. Even though I despised mornings, I figured if I was about to attempt to make some changes in my life, I should s
tart my day off as best I could to keep my brain at ease. A run was needed.
I had downloaded music from that artist Dani had mentioned and she was right, it was right on track with female empowerment. I didn’t feel one hundred percent confident in myself, but Lizzo was helping set me straight.
I stayed in my car for a bit when I got to school. The buzz about me had gone down and I was hoping to keep it that way. I waited until I knew everyone would for sure be in class before taking a chance on the library. It was a step out of my current comfort zone, but it was time to stop sitting in my car and be brave.
The library had more people than I had expected, but it was calmly quiet. I didn’t go there often, having my own books and never going in there with Ashleigh, but it seemed like a decent place to spend my time.
I spotted Matt toward the back, sitting at a table with a textbook and a pen in front of him. I realized this was how I always saw him. I wondered how much time he spent studying each day. He seemed very dedicated.
I figured while I was there, I could look for a new book. I strolled through the aisles until I found a section that looked appealing. I found a few that seemed okay, so I sat on the floor and read the back covers. I always found comfort in books, getting lost in another world and escaping my own. Books and writing were where I found my break.
“Find anything good?” I looked up from the floor and found Matt once again. He was skimming through the books on the shelf above me.
“Not yet. Still looking.”
“Well, you can come sit with me over there after you’re done looking,” he nodded toward his table. “It might be better than the floor.”
“Yeah, okay.” I was sheepish, but it didn’t seem like a terrible idea. I did sit with him each day at lunch anyway, it’s not like this made a difference.
I didn’t find anything better than the book I already carried with me, so I ambled over to Matt and his textbooks. I felt awkward at first, but I tried not to think about it. I took a deep breath, pulled out the chair opposite him and sat down.
“Welcome,” he said nodding at me.
“Thanks,” I took my book from my backpack and started reading it again. I didn’t want to disturb him. Even though he invited me over, I figured he was just being friendly.
“Looks like you’ve read that a few times.” Matt nodded toward my book. “A personal favorite?”
I flipped the cover over and realized my book was well worn. The binding was bent, and the pages had eared corners. “Yeah, I guess you could say that.”
“Must be pretty good.” He admired the cover before going back to his work. I couldn’t tell if he wanted to talk or not. I wasn’t sure if I should talk to him or leave him be. He let me sit there for a reason, but I didn’t want to be a bother. Plus, the idea of talking about myself gave me chest pain. I still felt awkward after our breakfast at the diner. Dani was very open about my reinvention in front of him, I wasn’t sure how he interpreted it. He didn’t know anything about me, and I kind of wanted to keep it that way for as long as humanly possible.
We spent the hour in our own bubbles. It was probably the most relaxed I’d been in public probably ever. He did his thing and I did mine, and I never had to worry. Way better than sitting in my car.
The bell rang for us to head to our next class and I was surprised. I was so entranced in my book and the silence, feeling almost peaceful in the last place I thought I’d ever find it.
“I guess I’ll see you at lunch?” Matt asked before we parted ways.
“Yeah, I’ll see you there.”
“Bye, Becka.” He waved goodbye before heading his way. If every first period went that smoothly, I might have to spend more time in the library.
I walked to my second class and Dani bum-rushed me in the hallway.
“Becka!” She jumped in front of me as if I didn’t already see her dreads flying down the hall.
“Good morning, Dani.” Her enthusiasm always made me smile.
“So? Have you decided?” Her eyebrows just about touched her hairline.
“Decided on what?”
“On the renewal!” She grabbed the tip of my hair and flipped it in the air, making me laugh. “Please say yes! We can turn you into whatever you want. I just really want to help.” She clasped her hands together and pouted.
“Yes.”
“Really?” She shot her hands in the air and squealed before wrapping her arms around my neck and jumping. “This is perfect! Oh my gosh, you are going to look so great! I’m so excited!”
“I can tell,” I laughed. “But can we please keep this between us?”
She furrowed her eyebrows. “What do you mean?”
I sighed. I knew I was going to have to tell her what was bothering me. “I just…I told you about all the Ashleigh stuff because I trust you and I know you want to help. But then we went to the diner and you were saying all that stuff in front of Matt and—”
“Dude, he doesn’t care. He’s just Matt.”
“To you he’s just Matt, but I don’t know him, at least not well enough for him to know about what Ashleigh did to me.” She looked down at the floor, pondering over my words. “I know you didn’t mean anything by it, I just don’t trust people. Right now, I trust you, and that’s about it.” I tried to laugh it off to let her know I wasn’t mad, but I needed her to know.
She nodded strongly. “I get it. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. He’s just my brother and we’re all so close, I didn’t think it would be a big deal talking about it in front of him. But I should’ve checked with you first. I’m sorry.” She wrapped her arms around me and gave me her famous Dani hug.
“It’s okay,” and it genuinely was. This was a real apology, not at all like the bullshit ones Ashleigh gave me.
“But just so you know, Matt is probably the least judgmental person I’ve ever met. He’s my brother so I’m probably biased, but I know him. He can be a pain in the ass sometimes, but he legitimately doesn’t judge. He just understands.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.”
I sat down at the lunch table and it was strangely quiet. James was on his phone and Matt was studying his notes like normal. The strange part was Dani. Instead of chattering away, she was nose deep in a notebook as well, scribbling very quickly.
“Hey, Becka,” James greeted me when I sat. “How’s it going?”
“Not too bad,” I was still curious about Dani. “What’s going on with her?”
He shrugged. “Couldn’t tell you. She’s been writing in that notebook since she sat down.”
“Weird.”
James and I made small talk about a new album that was coming out when Dani came alive.
“Okay, here.” She dropped the notebook down in front of me suddenly.
“What is this?”
“Just circle what sounds good.” She dropped a pen on top of the notebook and left the table, probably thirsty from all her brainstorming.
I read over the notebook and Dani had written down anything she could think of to describe style. The top of the page read Becka’s Reinvention. As I held it in my hand, I realized she wrote it all down so we wouldn’t have to talk about it in front of the guys. She was the best.
“Do we even want to know?” Matt joked, finally looking up from his work.
“No, probably not.” I read over the page and she had categories for hair, clothes, and makeup. I found words like preppy, bohemian, casual, goth. She wrote down random colors and types of shoes. She went all out with the plan.
Dani came back with a large soda and chicken fingers. “So, did you do it?”
I was still reading; I didn’t even start circling. Besides, I already knew my answer. I didn’t need her notebook to decide.
“Easy. Whatever is easy. I like casual and easy and simple.”
She nodded. “That is easy enough. Do you want to go after school?”
Already? She wanted to start today?
“What are you guys talking about?” Ma
tt interjected.
“Nothing,” Dani blurted, not making eye contact with him. I caught a glimpse of the guys and both of their eyebrows were furrowed in confusion. They clearly weren’t used to Dani withholding information.
I appreciated her willingness to keep this to herself for me. She already cared for our friendship more than Ashleigh or Madison ever did. Obviously, she trusted Matt and James, but she respected me enough not to push it. Was this what friendship was supposed to be?
“Dani is helping with my reinvention.”
Dani’s eyeballs went wide with my statement. I told her not to say anything and then there I was putting it all out there. Her willingness to keep it to herself proved to me that she wouldn’t tell people my business just because. She would do it because they too were trustworthy. And one thing I definitely needed more of was trustworthy people.
“What does that mean exactly?” James was still confused.
I nodded to Dani, giving her the go-ahead to fly with her ideas. Her smile was the biggest I’d seen yet.
“Becka and I are on a mission to find the real her, so we are going to update her in all capacities until we find her.”
“Cool?” James laughed, clearly still lost.
“You actually agreed,” Matt smiled. “I figured she scared you away.”
“Nearly, but not quite.” I looked back at Dani’s list of words. “I want to do this, but I want to take my time. I don’t want to pick one thing and then change it again next week. So, if we do this, I want a plan. I don’t just want to get a whole bunch of random clothes I’m never going to wear except for two shirts. I want to go all-in with this but be smart.”
She nodded quickly. “I hear you loud and clear. I say we take the week, brainstorm, think about what kind of style you want and what we are doing with your hair, and then this weekend we rip it off like a band-aid.”
I was lost again. “My hair?”
She nodded slowly. She lifted a chunk of my blonde highlight with a dirty look on her face. “Definitely.”
“Now I feel confident.” I choked out a laugh. I knew she was joking, but it was a force of habit.
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