I Go Where You Go

by Jaelyn Hardin

  I shrugged. “It’s not something I tell people.”

  Dani looked into the distance for a moment, processing her thoughts. When she came back to reality and shared them with me, I didn’t expect to hear what I heard.

  “So, it was real Ashleigh-like of me to force you to eat waffles, wasn’t it?”

  I shook my head fiercely. “You are the farthest thing from Ashleigh, trust me. I just wanted you to understand that not every choice I make is because of her.”

  Dani looked at the floor, nodding slowly. “I’m sorry, Becka.”

  “It’s okay, Dani. You didn’t know.”

  “Either way, I shouldn’t have forced you to order something you didn’t want.”

  “Oh, trust me, I wanted those waffles,” I joked, trying to make her laugh. “They were absolutely delicious.”

  She smiled. “I just wanted you to be the opposite of Ashleigh, I didn’t think there was more to it than that.” She hopped off the counter and hugged me, trying not to knock the tin foil off my head. “I’m really sorry.”

  “It’s okay.” And it really was.

  Over three hours passed, and Dani was finally done. There was foil, dye, and hair all over the floor, but I just wanted to see the result.

  “Close your eyes.” I did as she asked, not wanting to wait any longer. She spun me around and let me face the mirror. “Open.”

  I couldn’t believe what I was looking at. “Holy crap.” I was in shock.

  “What do you think?” Dani asked, placing her hands over her mouth, thinking the worst.

  “Holy crap,” was all I could manage to say. My hair that had once laid further than my boobs was now chopped to the base of my neck. My blonde had disappeared and my hair was a deep, chocolate brown with hot pink tips. It was parted on the side and my side bang was curved perfectly around my face. And since Dani had washed my hair, my natural waves were showing, and to my surprise, I loved it.

  “I love it.”

  “Really?” she shrieked with relief. “You really do? You’re not just telling me that?”

  I couldn’t stop looking back at my reflection. “It’s amazing! It doesn’t even look like me.”

  “It looks like the real you, not the fake you created by Ashleigh.”

  “I love it, Dani!” I spun my chair back around and gave her a giant hug. “Thank you!”

  “You’re welcome.” She gave me the hug I learned to love so much.

  After taking what felt like a billion after shots of my head, we drove back to my house to show my hair off to my family.

  “Holy crap!” Mom shrieked when she saw me in her studio. Tears were welling up in her eyes. “It’s you.” She left her painting to embrace me. “You look beautiful.”

  Rhylie came bursting into the room, eyes looking for Dani but stopping on me.

  “Becka?”

  “Hey, Bug. What do you think of my hair?” I knelt so she could get a better look. She grabbed the ends of it and stared at the pink.

  “Cool.” She smiled really big. Mission accomplished.

  “I’m starving. Anyone up for pizza?” Dani announced. She turned to me with a shy smile. “They have thin crust. Less carbs.”

  I loved this girl. “I’m down.”

  “I am! I am! I am!” Rhylie jumped up and down violently.

  “Have fun, I’ll see you guys later.” Mom waved us off while waving the tears out of her eyes in the same motion.

  I pulled up to the diner with Rhylie singing in the backseat.

  “I texted Matt and James and told them we were going for pizza. They were leaving the gym and should be here too.”

  “Okay.” I was nervous to see if they were going to like my new hair. But ultimately, I liked it, and that is what mattered.

  As soon as we got inside, Rhylie found Matt at a booth and ran straight for him. With only that one time meeting him, she had quickly grown attached.

  “Hi, Matt!”

  “Hi, Rhylie.” He smiled back at her. “What’s up?”

  “Look at Becka’s hair!” She turned her whole body around and pointed at me, causing quite the spectacle. Dani and I sat down at the table, but I couldn’t concentrate. Matt and James’s eyes were deer-in-the-headlights size.

  “Holy shit!” James shouted.

  “Becka?” Matt asked as if I could be anyone else.

  “Hi.”

  There were no words, only silence.

  “This is really awkward,” I whispered, trying to diffuse it.

  “Jesus, guys, say something,” Dani scolded.

  “You look bomb!” James yelled. “Holy shit!”

  “Can you please stop cursing,” I joked, covering Rhylie’s ears.

  “My bad, but for real, you look awesome.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Matt,” Dani asked, “what do you think?”

  I looked up at him and he was staring right back at me, almost unable to move. His eyes were super dark and intense like they weren’t just looking at my appearance.

  “Wow.”

  “I’ll take that as a good thing,” Dani smile, proud of her work.

  We ate and talked for a while, Rhylie wanting desperately to be a part of the conversation. I was grateful that my friends cared about her too. They asked her questions and really got to know her. Rhylie was elated, which made me feel over the moon. I kept catching Matt’s eye on me. At first, I could feel it, but when I turned to look at him, he would turn away, almost nervous. I knew I looked different, but I couldn’t tell if he thought it was a good thing or a bad thing.

  Monday morning, I stood in my full-length mirror and scrutinized my outfit, overwhelmed with emotion. I had on a white, off-the-shoulder, trumpet sleeve, flowy top with dark jeans and brown sandals. My shirt had a small slit at the chest and had long white tassels. I styled my hair the way Dani showed me, encouraging my natural waves. I couldn’t fathom how amazing I felt in my own skin. It felt like a dream had finally come true. I finally had control over my life.

  I heard my phone ring at the end of my bed.

  “Hello?”

  “Good morning!” Dani sang to me on the other line.

  “Hi, Dani,” I laughed. “What’s up?”

  “Are you dressed? Or did you freak out on me?”

  “Nope, I am dressed.”

  “In new-Becka clothes or old-Becka clothes?”

  “New-Becka,” I was happy to say.

  “Woo!” she yelled through the phone. “Good to hear! I’ll see you soon!”

  When I got downstairs, Mom and Rhylie were eating pancakes at the table. It had been years since I had eaten a pancake. If I ate anything in the morning it was either egg whites or yogurt, but the idea of altering my diet had been on my mind a lot lately. Being around Ashleigh encouraged the strict regimen I put myself on, but that didn’t mean it was healthy. For example, if I didn’t eat breakfast or lunch (which I normally didn’t), my ribs could easily be found through my clothes. Ashleigh would compliment me on it, but my subconscious told me what I was doing was more harmful than helpful. Being around Dani modified a lot of my ideas on what I thought it took to be skinny. Dani ate like a garbage disposal. That girl could put down some food and then some more. I immediately took that as her metabolism working in overdrive, just like Ryan’s did. However, she also exercised frequently, pushing her body to insane limits with her lifts. She needed the food to fuel her. I was wondering if maybe I could do the same thing. Whether my ribs were protruding through my clothes or not, I just wanted to feel confident in myself, but the right way.

  “Morning.”

  “Becka!” Rhylie hollered from the table. She took off running again, wrapping around me and squeezing. “Good morning!”

  “Hi, Rhylie.” I ruffled her hair.

  “I like your shirt!” She smiled as she looked at me. “You look pretty! Mom! Look at Becka!”

  I looked over and Mom was already smiling with her coffee cup in her hand.

  “Hey, Mom.” I pour
ed myself some coffee and sat next to her, trying to ignore her smile.

  “Morning. How do you feel?” she nodded toward my outfit. “Big change today.”

  I exhaled, letting the steam from the coffee carry into my face. “I feel free.”

  Freedom didn’t last long. I walked through the halls and people were staring. My anxiety was at an all-time high each time someone made eye contact for too long or a group turned their attention toward me. I felt way too conspicuous, and that was a feeling I hated, fat or skinny, Ashleigh’s friend or not.

  I made it to my locker safely, but I felt her bloodthirsty eyes on me immediately.

  “What the hell did you do to your hair?” Ashleigh spat at me. I rolled my eyes and started turning my combination, not speaking back to her. “Hello? I asked you a question.”

  “Good for you.”

  “And what are you wearing? You look ridiculous.” She started to laugh, encouraging Madison to do the same.

  I shook my head with a smirk, finding her pathetic. “I don’t care Ashleigh. I don’t care anymore.”

  “I can see that.” She nodded towards my outfit with a smile. “The dread girl has rubbed off on you. Not something I would be proud of, 3B.” Her smile was evil, down to her core.

  “Anything’s an upgrade from you.” I closed my locker and walked off, not giving her the satisfaction of seeing me upset. I wasn’t upset, I was just done.

  I made my way to the library and went straight to Matt’s table, looking for my bubble of solitude.

  “Good morning.”

  “Hi,” I sighed, trying to dig through my bag instead of meeting his eyes.

  “Everything okay?”

  I nodded quickly. “Yeah, I’m okay. Just dealing with some stuff.”

  “Anything I can do to help?” He sounded sincere, I appreciated it.

  “I’ll be okay. Thanks, though.”

  “No problem.” He turned the page to his textbook and went back to studying. We went in our bubbles like always, giving me relief.

  “Who do you have for history?” he asked after a good chunk of silence passed.

  “Williams.”

  “Do you need help studying for his test next week? I’m working on the study guide now. You are more than welcome to it.”

  I had completely forgotten about the test. “That’d be great, thanks.”

  “No problem.”

  I was happily floating in my bubble of silence when he spoke up again.

  “I do like your hair, by the way.” I looked up and found his eyes, the same intensity from the diner. “I don’t think I actually told you I liked it, but I do.”

  “I think your word was ‘wow’,” I joked.

  He smiled. “Yeah, you caught me by surprise.” I wasn’t sure what to say, he never spoke this much to me, not without Dani or James present. “A good surprise though.”

  “Thank you.” A sense of warmth ran through my body. It made me shift uncomfortably in my seat, not understanding what it was.

  “You’re welcome.”

  And just like that, the bell rang, popping our bubbles.

  “Lunch?”

  “Lunch.”

  The rest of the week went better than I had expected. I don’t know how I got so lucky, but Ashleigh and nearly everyone left me alone. I was on the edge of my seat most days, just waiting for a jock to make a stupid comment about my hair, but it never came. A few girls I didn’t know actually complimented me; it was bizarre but in the best way.

  I remained terrified of getting close to the wrong people. I didn’t want to tell anybody anything that they could use against me, strictly out of fear. But I kept trying each day, not giving up no matter how badly I wanted to.

  The dynamic between Matt and me shifted quickly. He went from completely quiet and allusive to talkative, and I was enjoying his company more than I thought. By Friday, I wasn’t nervous to talk to him about basic amenities.

  “Where are you planning on going to college?” he asked me. “If you were planning to, I mean.”

  “I applied to State.”

  “What do you want to major in?”

  I didn’t want to answer because the answer sucked. “Undecided.”

  “Have you given it any thought?”

  I shrugged, “yes and no. What about you?”

  “I’m planning on double majoring. Business and Kinesiology.”

  “Wow.” I was impressed. “And to non-genius people that is…”

  He let out a laugh. “Studying the mechanics of body movements.”

  “Wow. Again. Why the double major?”

  “I want to open my own gym one day. I work with my dad at his auto shop, so I’m learning a lot of the basic business stuff already. Just need to get a degree in both so I can be certified and then open a gym.”

  “Geez. You’ve got it all figured out.”

  “I’m trying. Still working on my grades and what not so I can get into a good school. It’s harder getting accepted if you are planning a double major. But the school I applied to is out of state, gives me a chance to get away from here for a while at least. A fresh start.”

  The idea of moving away had never crossed my mind. But when he said it, it sounded like the perfect solution to all my problems.

  Friday night was back, and I was once again in my favorite spot, tucked in on the couch next to Dani watching scary movies with Matt, James and Rocky. The normality of it was shocking.

  We sat quietly and watched the first movie of the Paranormal Activity series. The guys kept stopping to laugh at Dani and me when we jumped or screamed. Each time I jolted from a scare, the corners of Matt’s mouth would turn up. I could feel him watching me more and more. It wasn’t creepy, just brought back that warm feeling.

  When we started the third movie of the marathon, Matt nudged me with his elbow. He nodded his head over to James in the chair. His phone was glowing in his hand, but he was fast asleep. One down for the count.

  Around the middle of the third movie, Matt nudged me again. I pointed and I saw Dani curled up in a ball, dead asleep.

  “Wow,” I whispered. “She usually outlasts us all.”

  It didn’t take long for me to realize that it was just the two of us now. My initial reaction was to be awkward and freak out. But I took a deep breath and tried my best to calm down. It was just Matt.

  “Are you hungry?” Matt asked.

  “I could eat.”

  “Good, because I am starving. I’m going to make a pizza. Sound good?”

  I thought about the carbs. I was about to say no, but I decided to make the change. “Yea, sure.”

  He hopped off the couch and headed for the kitchen. I don’t know why I felt nervous. It was Matt, but it felt different. “You want to come in here with me?” he interrupted my thoughts.

  “Sure.” Here goes nothing.

  I sat at their kitchen table while Matt put a frozen pizza in the oven, trying my best not to overthink and just relax.

  “Where’s your dad?” I asked as I looked around the room, examining pictures of the family.

  “Probably still closing the shop.” I looked at the clock and saw the time. I didn’t think an auto shop would be open this late, but it wasn’t my business to ask. He grabbed two sodas from the fridge and joined me at the table. “Have you thought any more about majors?

  “Been thinking. I’m not sure where to start to look for one.”

  “I mean, I just picked something that I like. You could do that too, or something you like to do that could be a career.”

  “I like writing and reading.”

  “I noticed that,” he smiled. “What kind of stuff do you write and read?”

  This question made me nervous. I chose to make eye contact with my drink instead. “Everything.”

  He smirked slightly. “Care to be specific?”

  I tried not to laugh. “Uhm…with writing, it’s usually just whatever is on my mind. It’s a stress reliever.”

  “
And the reading?” he pressed on.

  I exhaled. I wasn’t used to talking so honestly, especially to boys I didn’t know. “Things with feeling, I guess.”

  He nodded slowly, really listening to my words. “What’s your favorite subject in school?”

  “English.”

  “Why don’t you major in it? Or writing of some sort?”

  “I guess I never really thought about it.”

  “Maybe you should. You like doing it, why not make a career out of it, right?”

  “Yeah, I guess that makes sense.” He wasn’t wrong.

  “I say just research stuff like that and find a major that fits. Then you can see if State has it. And if not, then apply to a different school. There is still a lot of time.”

  “You make it sound so easy.”

  “It’s going to take some research, but it should all work out.”

  When the timer went off for the pizza, he put it on the table between us. He handed me a plate and put two slices down for me. I don’t know why such a small gesture made me smile, but it did, and I hid it the best I could.

  “What other stuff do you like to do?” he asked, taking me away from my strange thoughts.

  “I really like running, reading and writing. Those are major things, I guess. And music.”

  “What kind of music?” he asked, looking intensely at me. I didn’t know how to answer.

  “All genres, I guess. It depends on how I’m feeling in that moment.”

  “You listen to music a lot?”

  I nodded quickly. “As much as I can. I like to correlate music to what I’m going through.”

  “What was the last song you listened to today?”

  I took my phone from my back pocket and opened my music app. Thankfully, it wasn’t a tearjerker.

  “Three Little Birds, by Bob Marley.”

  He smiled. “I like that song. It’s a happy song.”

  “Yeah, I guess.” That warmth was back, crawling up my spine. I shook it off as best I could. “What about you?”

  Matt pulled his phone out of his pocket and smirked to himself. “This is not fair.”

  “It’s Shawn Mendes, isn’t it?”

  He squinted his eyes at me, trying to hide his smile. “Hilarious.” He showed me his phone from across the table and I read Bodak Yellow by Cardi B on his screen. I couldn’t help myself but laugh. “Hey, don’t judge,” he said while laughing too. “This song is catchy.”