“Do you know all the words?”
He looked at me like it was a silly question to ask. “What do you think?”
Again, more laughter. “Things just got real.”
“How’s the pizza?” he asked as he took another bite.
“It’s good.”
“What’s your favorite food?”
I thought carefully. “Macaroni-and-cheese.”
“Even the carbs?” he joked, clearly mocking me.
“Hilarious.” I rolled my eyes. “What about you? Favorite food?”
“Pizza, hands down. Pizza is the best thing in the world.” I continued to look at him with skepticism, so he continued with his speech. I could tell it was about to get deep. “You have your crust options: deep dish, hand-tossed, thin, stuffed. And you can go fancy with the sauce and the cheese, like white sauce and parmesan. Or you can go classic with marinara and mozzarella. But your possibilities for toppings are endless. Sometimes I’m feeling classic like pepperoni, sometimes I want to spice things up with sausage and jalapenos, and some days I’m feeling exotic and go with Hawaiian. You can express yourself in so many ways. It’s endless.”
I immediately started laughing. I couldn’t stop. I covered my mouth with my napkin, trying not to choke on my food.
“Are you laughing at me?”
“Yes, I definitely am.” I still couldn’t stop. “That was deep, Matt.”
“Hey, my love for pizza is real.”
“Oh,” I stopped laughing quickly and pointed at the pizza. “Would you two like to be left alone?”
His eyes shot up and his smile widened. “Oh, she’s funny too?” His body was shaking in his black hoodie with laughter. The sound was contagious. “Don’t be jealous, what we have is real.”
“Trust me, I believe you.” I was in a fit of giggles. “But for the record, pineapple does not belong on pizza.”
He looked down at his lap and shook his head. “Oh, you’re one of those people.”
“If by those people you mean normal, then yes, I definitely am.” I rolled my eyes and laughed. He chuckled again, but he kept stopping and giving me this look. He would look down at his lap, but then the look would come again. “What?” I touched my chin. “Is there something on my face?”
“No, you’re fine.” He stopped talking, but it felt like he wanted to say something more.
“I get it though. I think the way you feel about pizza is how I feel about coffee,” I admitted, trying to ignore the warmth coursing through my body.
“Caffeine fanatic?”
“No, just the farthest thing from a morning person. The weekends aren’t so bad because I can sleep in. But I wouldn’t make it to school if it weren’t for my coffee.”
He smiled quickly. “Good to know.” He kept staring at me, bringing back the warmth. “What are you doing tomorrow?”
I shrugged. “Nothing. Why?”
“Want to go to the gym in the morning?”
“Sure.”
And that next morning I regretted it. I couldn’t walk. My lower half no longer worked the way it was supposed to. I was lying on the ground, unable to function. This was it. This was the end.
“How are you feeling?” Matt asked, leaning over me with a smile.
“Tired. So very tired.”
He laughed at me, his sweaty, white t-shirt clinging to him. “Feeling the burn?”
“Everything hurts so bad.”
“Welcome to leg day, Becka.” He held out a hand to help me up. I was reluctant to take it, not wanting to move, but I accepted. He slowly pulled me back to standing, my knees twitching again. I wasn’t sure if it was from our workout or his skin touching mine, but I pushed it away.
“It will get easier, I promise. Leg day is the most important day. You will thank me in the long run.”
“I hope you’re right.” I hobbled in my spot, listening to him laugh at me. The sounds of shuffling feet and snickering forced me to turn around. I came face to face with three football players. And of course, one of them was Derrick.
“It’s about time you got back in the gym, 3B,” he laughed and high fived his lackeys.
“Fuck off.”
They kept laughing as they walked on, and embarrassment filled my body. Matt had finally heard the comments.
“What was that about?” Matt asked, looking back at the team. I didn’t recognize the look on his face. I thought it might be anger, but I couldn’t be sure. I tried to look away from him, but his eye contact was hard to miss. I wasn’t ready to explain. I wasn’t ready for him to look at me as the fat girl.
“Nothing. Are you ready to get out of here?”
He nodded, accepting my subject change. “Yeah, that’s it for today. You did really good.”
We stood outside our cars, wanting to speak but unsure of what to say. I felt like he wanted to ask me about Derrick, and part of me wanted to tell him, but I knew I wouldn’t.
“What was up with that guy?” Matt finally asked.
“We don’t like each other.” I tried to say it subtly like it wasn’t that big of a deal.
“You don’t talk about yourself much.” He didn’t say it like a question, more of an observation. “You answer a question when asked, but you don’t offer a lot of information.” I was surprised he picked up on that so quickly. I fidgeted with my keys, unable to think of what to say. “It’s okay,” he continued, “just makes it difficult to get to know you.”
“Not many people have tried.”
Matt shook his head. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“It is what it is.” I tried to smile, but we could both tell it was fake. I found my engine key and gripped it tight. “I should head home, I’m pretty beat.”
“I guess I’ll see you later?”
“Yeah, later.” We shyly smiled at each other and returned to our vehicles.
He wasn’t wrong. I didn’t tell people about myself, but only because most everybody already knew. Talking about it felt unnecessary. But to meet someone that wanted to talk about it with me was curious. It made me nervous, it made me scared, but it also made me have hope for the first time in a long time.
I wanted nothing more than to take a nap. From being up half the night watching movies, talking with Matt and then going to the gym to tear my leg muscles apart, I desperately wanted to sleep. But a shower was in the cards.
“Hey, Becka,” Ryan said from the kitchen as he ate a bowl of cereal. He must have just woken up. “Where were you?”
“I was at the gym with Matt.” I hobbled into the kitchen and slowly sat down in a chair, finding the wood to be very hard.
“Why do you keep going to the gym?” he asked as he got me a bowl to have cereal with him. “You don’t need to lose any more weight. You are so skinny.”
I poured my cereal and listened. “Matt is actually helping me put on muscle.”
He raised his eyebrows skeptically. “Really?”
I nodded. “I think I’m too skinny. My legs look like hot dogs.”
Ryan laughed with a mouth full of cereal. “Yeah, they do. So, you’re weightlifting?” I nodded yes. “That’s cool. Good for you.”
“Thanks.”
“What’s up with the guy?”
“What do you mean?” I wasn’t sure what he was referring to.
“Matt, right? What’s his deal?”
I shrugged. “Nothing, he’s Dani’s brother. He’s cool.” Ryan gave me a look that made me realize what he was talking about. “It’s not like that. He’s just a friend.”
“Do you want him to be more than a friend?”
“I’m not thinking about that right now. I’m just trying to work on me.”
He put his spoon down and looked at me. “My sister, finally worrying about herself instead of guys. It’s a miracle.”
“It’s about time I start doing things for me and not someone else, don’t you think?”
“Yes, yes I do.”
After I got through my shower and took a mu
ch needed nap, I sat in my window seat and let my thoughts fly across the pages of my journal. I wrote about Matt and his love for pizza, and Dani and her confidence. I wrote about my progress, not just in the gym but in life. I felt like I was slowly gaining control again. I was starting to be less cautious about my decisions, and it felt like pain relief. I felt more myself than I ever had before, so I wrote about that too. I wrote until my hand cramped.
I began researching writing majors and how it worked. I found schools that offered writing and English as majors and jobs looking for good writers. It felt like that could be it, like this could be in my future, and I hoped it would be.
I had decided that creative writing was where I wanted to keep my focus, but the list of schools that offered it as a major was smaller than I had hoped. I reset the list to schools in my area and there were a few. Thankfully, State was on the list. That was a relief. My plans didn’t have to overly change. But I continued to look at the list, just for options. And after scrolling through school websites, I found one that looked good, had cheaper tuition than State, and was approximately five hours away. I liked what I saw. Room and Board was kind of expensive, but they offered scholarships. Could I get a scholarship? Did I need one? I had so many questions, I didn’t know what to do next. I needed help. But the possibility of leaving this town and starting fresh was on the screen in front of me. I just didn’t know if I had the ability, or the balls, to go for it.
Eight
I met with the school counselor during my free period, but left feeling unsecure about my future. The notion of leaving this town and branching out was so enlivening, I hadn’t considered how much work it would take to achieve it. The counselor gave me a long list of everything I needed to complete before the deadline that was closing in shortly. It was going to be difficult to accomplish, but it was either that or never move out of Ashleigh’s shadow.
I dropped my large pile of paperwork on my library table, awakening Matt’s attention before I fell into my chair.
“Morning.” Matt looked up at me with a smile. “I was wondering where you were.”
I glanced away, not wanting to think about his kind words. “I was meeting with the counselor.”
“Everything okay?”
“Yea, just trying to see if applying to another school is doable.”
His smile broadened. “You looked into it?”
“Yeah…turns out it’s possible, I just have a lot to do.”
“How bad?” He reached for one of my many packets of forms and flipped through them.
“I have to get a few grades up, get a letter of recommendation from a teacher, join an extracurricular, and apply for a scholarship.”
“Damn, that’s a lot.” He put my form down and met my eyes. “Are you sure you want to do this?” I wasn’t immediately sure how to answer him, but I chose honesty.
“Do you remember what you said the other day about a fresh start?”
“Yea?”
“You have no idea how much I want that too.”
When the bell for lunch went off, I stayed behind in my English class. I figured it was the perfect time to talk to Mr. Jacobs.
“What can I do for you, Becka?” he asked when he saw me sticking around.
“I was wondering if you would be willing to write me a letter of recommendation for school.”
He blew out air. “This is late coming. Everyone else already gave me their requests weeks ago.”
“I know, and I’m sorry it’s short notice. I’m applying late and I need all the help I can get.” I was desperate.
“What is your major?” he asked, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Creative writing.”
He looked impressed. “Can’t say I’m surprised. You are one of my best writers.” That made me happy, but all he did was exhale hot air. “I don’t know, Becka.”
“Mr. Jacobs, I really need this.” I was ready to beg. “I applied to State because I was told to, not because I wanted to. But I think I have a chance to go where I want and do something for me. I just need your help. Please.”
Mr. Jacobs exhaled and rubbed his bald head. “I’ll see what I can do.”
“Really?” I shrieked. “You’ll do it?”
He nodded. “Yeah, I will. Now get out of here. I’ve got work to do.”
“Thank you, Mr. Jacobs!” I grabbed my things and skipped out of the classroom, feeling accomplished. One thing to mark off the list.
“What are you so excited about?” Dani asked when I sat down grinning.
“Jacobs is going to write me a letter of recommendation.”
“That’s great!” Dani shouted with a mouth full of food.
“Congratulations, Becka.” Matt gave me a smile.
My life was coming together. Things were not as complicated and sad as they once were, and I was relieved. I might even go as far to say I was happy.
“What do we have here?”
I looked up to find Ashleigh and Madison standing at the end of our table, arms crossed and glaring at me. It’s like they could smell my happiness.
“Can we help you?” Dani snapped.
“You two make the cutest, dirtiest couple ever.” She chuckled pointing at us. “I’m not sure how lesbian couples work, but isn’t only one of you supposed to be butch?”
“You are so ignorant. Just shut up.” I was beyond sick of her shit.
“And if I don’t?” She smiled like it was a dare, but her smile was quickly followed by a harsh scream erupting from her throat. She jumped back, glaring at the floor. James had spilt soda over her perfectly, manicured toes.
“Whoops, my bad.” James took a sip of his drink, never losing eye contact with her. I could’ve kissed him. Ashleigh stomped off with Madison following close behind, leaving little puddles in her wake.
“I can’t stand her,” I muttered.
Matt nudged me with his arm, “She’s not worth it.”
“I know,” I said softly. “Just sucks.”
“You want to talk about it?” He asked quietly so Dani and James didn’t hear. I saw comfort in his eyes.
“I’m okay,” I admitted.
“Let me know.” The wave of warmth was back.
“You alright, Becka?” Dani asked from across the table. She had simmered down since Ashleigh got wet.
I waved it off. “Yeah, I’m cool.”
“What’s next on the to-do list?” Matt asked, referring to my college prep.
“I have to start working on my scholarship essay and I need to find an extracurricular.”
“You run, right?” James asked.
I nodded. “Yea, I love to run.”
“Join track with me.”
I crinkled my eyebrows. “I thought track wasn’t until Spring?”
“We do a Fall season too. We just run on indoor tracks when it gets colder.” I couldn’t believe I hadn’t considered that as an option.
“That sounds perfect.” And then one thing hit my mind: Mom.
“Five hours away?” Her face was alarmed.
“I know it’s kind of far, but I think it will be good for me.”
“Five hours is more than far, Becka! And it’s across state lines!” She looked upset. “You won’t live here.”
“I was hoping to live in the dorms, get the full experience.” I wanted to spread my wings, but I knew I was going to miss my mom. “It will be scary, but I really want to do it.”
“What about State?” she asked, unsure of what to say anymore.
“I’m still keeping my application with them. If I get into both schools, then I can make that decision. But I just want to have the option. I might not even get in.”
She sighed. “What all do you have to do?” At least she was open to the idea. I showed her all the paperwork and explained my plan of attack. “That’s a lot. Do you have enough time?”
I nodded. “It’s going to be tight, but if I work hard and focus, I can get it all done. Matt said he would help me too.�
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Mom smiled mischievously. “Well, that was nice of him.”
“Mom,” I laughed. “Don’t start with that.”
“We both know he’s cute. I don’t know why you are hiding it.”
I rolled my eyes. “Can we stay on the subject please?” I looked back to my stack of papers, not meeting her eyes. School was the priority.
“Fine,” she laughed but kept painting. “I will help you with whatever you need. I don’t want you to move away, but if that is what you need to do...” I could see the tears welling up.
“Mom,” I went to her side. “Don’t cry, it’s all okay.”
“I know,” she wiped her eyes. “I’m just going to miss you.”
“Let’s just see if I get in.”
I stayed up late that night, going over my forms. Part of me wanted to take a moment and just be overwhelmed. There was so much to do, and I wasn’t used to it. I hadn’t done a whole lot with my life up to that point: my counselor helped me fill out my application to State; I worked over the summer as a babysitter, not working super hard; I took the easy courses in school so the workload wasn’t that challenging, and I had Ashleigh “guiding” my way for years. I hadn’t challenged myself or done much on my own. But this could be my shot. I wanted to keep pushing for the first time.
James and I met with the track coach, Coach Dawson. I had her as a teacher when I took gym a while back, but that was my only interaction with her. I was nervous. She wasn’t a fan of mine when I was in her class, so whether she was going to let me join her team was not looking good.
“Hey Coach, you got a minute?” James announced after he knocked on her office door.
“Sure, what’s up James?” She sounded like she was in a better mood then she looked. Her hair was bright blonde and in a perfectly slicked back ponytail. She was wearing a school sweatshirt and jeans. We all knew she was a mom and a little older, but you couldn’t tell. She looked like she was still crushing her twenties.
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