“Do you know my friend Becka?” He nodded over to me as we sat in the chairs across from her desk.
“Sure,” she said nicely. “I think I had you a few years back, right?”
I nodded, “yes, ma’am.”
“So, what’s up?” she asked again, trying to get to the point.
“We were wondering if there was a spot for Becka on the team.”
She looked back at him and then to me. “The track team?” All I could do was nod. Dawson leaned back in her chair and exhaled. “I didn’t see that coming.”
“Mrs. Dawson,” I said nervously. “I’m applying to colleges, and I really need a sport. This is the only one that I am good at.” I was hoping honesty would lighten her up.
“Becka,” she exhaled, “I can appreciate that, but this team is not like third period gym. You can’t just show up and expect a good grade. This is a group of people who work together to better each other. We don’t tear each other down for God knows what reason.” I knew the jab was related to Ashleigh. We were terrible in her class, and I regretted it.
“I understand, and that’s not what I’m looking for. I’m not looking to inflict any more hate or anger. I want to be part of something, and I’ll do whatever it takes.” I really wanted this, and I didn’t think it was going to happen, but I had to try.
Dawson closed her eyes and ran her hands over her. “Can you run?”
I smiled. She was considering. “Yes ma’am, I can run.”
She looked over at James. “And you vouch for her? You think she would be a good addition to this team?”
“She’s a good egg, Coach.” He wrapped his arm around my shoulder for support, which I desperately needed. “We could use her.”
She took a deep breath, exhaling aggressively. “I need to see your mile time. If all goes well, you will be a Phoenix.”
“Thank you, Mrs. Dawson, I really appreciate it.” I couldn’t stop smiling. I was getting my shot.
“Tomorrow after school, meet me at the track for your mile. 3:30. Don’t be late.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
James wrapped his arm around my shoulder and put his other fist in the air in celebration once we were back in the hall. “I told you it would work. All you have to do is crush that mile tomorrow, and we are golden for the meets.”
“You’ve never even seen me run,” I laughed at him. “How can you be so sure?”
“I have faith. You’re gonna kill it. Don’t worry, just do your best tomorrow.”
I didn’t have any other choice.
I was sitting with Matt in the library unable to stop my leg from shaking. I was trying my best to focus on the notes in front of me, but my brain was buzzing. My mile was after school and it was my one chance to prove to Dawson I could do it. I felt pressure pushing on me from all angles.
“Becka?” Matt interrupted my thoughts.
“Yeah?”
“Are you okay?” The chocolate in his eyes looked deep with sincerity.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Why?”
“You’re shaking the table.”
I hadn’t realized my leg shaking had gotten so aggressive. “Sorry.”
“What’s up?”
I put my pen down and wiped my hands over my face. “Just nervous, I guess.”
“For track?” I agreed. “Don’t even stress about it. Just go out there and do your best, that’s all you can do.”
He was really supportive. It was refreshing being around someone who cared without needing a reason why. “Thanks.”
“You’ll do great.”
I changed into my running clothes in the locker room, trying to look more prepared than terrified. My appearance would show you I was a runner: red running shorts, white razorback tank top, and laced up running shoes. But if you looked into my eyes, they showed nothing but fear.
I shook out the apprehension as best I could, trying to focus on braiding my bangs away from my face. This was my chance. This was one step in the process of getting out of this town, I had to take it and do the best I could. I knew how to run, I knew I was a good runner, I just had to prove it.
I walked down the path to the track and to my surprise found Dani, James, and Matt sitting in the stands. I was trying to stay focused and their presence threw it off.
“Uhm, hi?”
“Surprise!” Dani shrieked, jumping down to hug me.
“What are you doing here?”
“We are here to support you!” She yelled in my ear while holding me tightly. “You didn’t think we were going to let you do this by yourself, did you?”
“I guess I did,” I immediately felt awkward. Dani caught my vibes right away.
“Hey, don’t stress. You are going to kill it, and we are here for you, right guys?” Matt and James nodded accordingly.
“You’re gonna do fine, Becka,” James said with a smile.
“Thanks.” It meant a lot to me that they were there, even if Dani forced them to be, which I got the feeling she did. But they were willing to be there for me, and I appreciated it more than they knew. I finally felt ready.
And in a split second, that feeling was gone. Any piece of confidence I had gained had disappeared. The football team was barreling out onto the field.
“Shit,” I blurted.
They all ran directly past me, most of them looking at me as they did. There were a few 3B’s as they passed, which made me want to run away completely. “Shit,” was all I could say.
“3B!” Derrick spotted me immediately. “Look at you!”
I was praying for him to leave. The last thing I wanted was to deal with him, especially in front of my friends.
“It’s about time you got back to exercising!” Derrick slung his arm over my shoulders and pulled me close.
“Go fuck yourself.” I threw his arm off my body and pushed him away, not wanting to breathe the same air as him. He found my rebuttal hilarious, laughing as he ran to catch up with the team.
“Becka,” Dani tried to reign me in from my mind, but it wasn’t working. My mind was shot. “It’s okay.”
“I don’t have a choice, right?” I was fighting back the tears that were welling up in my ducts. It was enough pressure to do this on my own, but now I had to deal with the team surrounding me? I went to the starting line, trying to hide my breakdown.
I squatted down on the track, putting my head between my knees, trying to catch my breath. You can do this. You can do this. My affirmations weren’t working. I needed the sky. I stood up and looked above me, trying to focus on the clouds with my hands on my hips. Just breathe, Becka, you can do this.
“Becka?”
Matt snuck up behind me and spoke softly.
“Hey.”
“Are you okay?”
“Uhm…” I was at a loss for words. How was I going to explain this?
Matt looked over at the football team and then back at me. “When you told me that you didn’t get along with that guy from the gym…”
“It’s more like the whole team.” I was starting to lose my breath. “But I’m fine.”
“You don’t look fine.” He put his hands on my shoulders and turned me to him. “Becka?”
The feel of his strong palms on my shoulders made my knees jerk. A rush of emotions came through my body and I didn’t know if I was going to be able to control it. “I’m okay.”
“No, you’re not,” he told me softly. “Look, I don’t know what happened, but I know that this run is your chance to get out of here. A fresh start, right?
I made my eyes meet his and I felt okay. He was right.
“Just take a deep breath.” He softly rubbed my shoulders which made breathing so much easier. “You can do this. I know you can.” He pulled me in for a hug and squeezed me tightly. I didn’t realize my arms were around him until they already were.
What was I doing? I barely knew him; I couldn’t hug him. I quickly removed my arms from his body and took a large step back.
“I’ll
be okay.” I tried to shake off the feelings that just went through me. I didn’t have time to think like that, I needed to focus on my run.
“I know, just do your best.” He nodded back at me before retreating to the bleachers. He was very supportive, and I didn’t know why. We barely knew each other, but there was something deep down that was whispering to me that that didn’t matter.
When Dawson came down to the track, the shaking returned to my hands.
“Alright Becka,” she took out a stopwatch from her jacket pocket and reset it. “Are you ready?”
“Yes ma’am.” I shook out my hands one last time and stepped up next to her.
She held up her stopwatch and looked at it instead of me. I figured I was going to have to earn her approval, but I was willing to work for it. “I’m looking for one mile, the best time you got. Four laps at your best pace.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Alright, on your mark, get set,” I exhaled one last time, ready to do my very best. “Go.”
My pace was good. It was tougher because I had been gaining muscle, but I was doing everything I could to only focus on the end of the track. But as I came up to where the football team stood huddled together, keeping my focus was nearly impossible.
“Look at 3B go!”
“3B!”
I tried my damnedest to ignore it, but there was no way. I had to embrace it. Matt was right, they weren’t going to make me miss my chance.
Two more laps went by and I had heard more heckles and even a few moos. I just wanted to be done, and I was getting closer. I only had to pass them one more time and that was it. One more push through.
“Hey Aiden, doesn’t look like her legs open very wide anyway!”
I pushed out everything I had left. With one foot in front of the other and my heart pounding, I pushed passed Dawson and watched her stop the watch, hoping I had done enough.
I walked around in a circle with my hands above my head, trying to catch my breath. I don’t know that I had ever run a mile that fast before, and I didn’t even know my time. I felt nervous, but I had given it everything. I just had to have hope.
Dawson put her watch back in her pocket and held her clipboard at her side. She walked over to me; her face emotionless. “Becka, why do you want to be on this team?”
“I’m sorry?” I didn’t understand the question.
“Why do you want to be part of this team?” she asked again. There wasn’t an easy way to put it, so I chose honesty.
“I know what people think of me. I know people either see me as stuck up or the fat girl, but I’m not. I’m not the person that everyone thinks I am and I’m just now realizing that. I want to be a part of something that matters, and because I want to, not because someone told me to.” She was studying me, looking for hints of deception. “I know that might be hard to believe, but I’ve spent years of my life as someone’s puppet. I need to do something for me.” I hoped to see some sense of understanding on her face, but I saw nothing.
She grabbed her clipboard and looked it over again. “You finished your mile in 6:49. That makes you a Phoenix.” She turned her back and walked away. There was no smile or emotion. Just straight to the point.
I couldn’t move. I did it. I made the team. “Thank you, Mrs. Dawson!” I yelled to her before she got too far away.
“It’s Coach.” And like any and all emotion from her, she was gone.
Dani jumped from her seat and came running toward me. I had more than enough time to get out of the way, but I didn’t. I let her wrap her arms around me and tackle me onto the turf.
“You did it!” She screamed in my ear as she hugged me to the ground. “I knew you could do it!”
“I made the team.” I couldn’t stop myself from repeating it. It didn’t feel real.
“Hell yes, you did,” James said. “You crushed that mile. And the way you handled the straights, you would be perfect for the relays.”
“Good job, Becka.” Matt nodded, his smile showing pride toward me.
“I made the team.”
“We need to document this moment!” Dani jumped off the ground and pulled her phone out. “Come on, guys!”
“Dani, I look gross.” My hair was flying all over the place from the wind and my sprint, I was not picture ready.
“Oh, shut up and get up here.” Dani wasn’t giving me much of a choice. Matt reached his hand out to help me up. I managed to ignore the knee twitch this time when his skin touched mine.
“Alright guys, smile!”
She didn’t have to tell me twice.
That evening, I sat at my desk and racked my brain for how to start my scholarship paper. I had ideas flowing, but nothing seemed quite right. Pick an experience from your own life and explain how it has influenced your development. I knew I needed to talk about my weight and how it led me down the Ashleigh-path, but starting it was harder than expected. It was one thing telling someone I used to be fat and now I’m not, but it’s another to write about it to make a stranger feel emotion.
“Becka!” Rhylie came storming through the door.
“What’s up, Bug?” I asked, trying to put my pen to paper.
“Come downstairs!”
“I can’t right now, maybe in a little bit.”
Rhylie grabbed onto my arm and started pulling me out of my desk chair. “No, you have to come downstairs now!”
“Why?” I wasn’t in the mood. I was drained and I just wanted to work on my paper.
“It’s a surprise!” Rhylie was determined to get me downstairs; I wouldn’t be able to hold her off for much longer.
I closed my notebook and exhaled. “Alright, fine.”
I followed her tiny feet down the stairs and came face to face with both Dani and Matt.
“Look who’s here!” Rhylie yelled, running straight for Dani.
“Surprise!” Dani cheered.
“Hi?” I was definitely surprised, but I wasn’t upset to see her, or Matt for that matter. “What are you guys doing here?”
“We wanted to know if you wanted to go get some frozen yogurt,” Dani said. “We still need to celebrate you making the team.”
“I didn’t know we needed to celebrate.”
“Of course, we have to celebrate!”
“And we figured you could take a break from the studying,” Matt smiled, nodding toward the staircase.
I sighed. “Yes, please.”
“Can I come too?” Rhylie shouted. “Please?” She was slowly getting louder. “Please Becka! Can I come with you?” She enlaced her fingers and begged.
“You’ll have to ask them,” I pushed her off to Dani and Matt, knowing they couldn’t say no to that face.
Rhylie turned around and begged Dani and Matt with such determination, I thought they were going to melt. It wasn’t long before Dani said yes.
“I’ll put my shoes on!” Rhylie raced up the stairs taking two at a time.
Dani was grinning from ear to ear. “She is so freaking cute!”
“How’s the essay coming?” Matt asked.
“It’s not,” I admitted.
“You just need a break.” He headed for the door and I followed close behind.
On the drive over, Rhylie talked the whole way. She talked about school, animals, princesses, movies, anything that popped into her head. But the best part of the whole thing was Dani and Matt. They weren’t ignoring her or rolling their eyes, they were listening and responding. I was more than grateful for them.
We got our frozen yogurt and Rhylie had Matt entranced in her conversation. They made their way outside to find a table, leaving Dani and me to get napkins.
“I think he likes you,” Dani said casually.
“Who are we talking about?”
“Matt.”
I was confused. “What?”
“I’m serious, I’ve got this feeling. I’m pretty sure he likes you.” She gathered her thoughts before talking again. “The way he went over to make sure you were
okay before your run. I’ve never seen him do that before.”
I wasn’t sure how to respond. “Okay?”
“It’s okay if you like him.”
“Dani, I don’t know him.” I tried to laugh away the awkwardness.
She rolled her eyes. “That’s beside the point. What I’m saying is if you decide to like him, it’s okay. I’m not going to go all crazy and hate you because he’s my brother.”
“Gee, thanks,” I laughed.
“Just think about it. I think you’d be good together.” She shoveled some yogurt in her mouth and moved on to the table, leaving me with my now nervous thoughts.
Outside at the table, Rhylie insisted that she sit next to Dani. She continued to talk Dani’s ear off, but Dani didn’t seem to mind.
"You take really good care of her,” Matt spoke softly, trying not to interrupt Rhylie.
“What makes you say that?”
“Just the way that you are with her, and the way you include her in your conversations and your friends. Not a lot of siblings do that for each other, especially when they are that little.”
“You look after Dani,” I pointed out.
“Because if I didn’t she would probably be in jail,” he made me laugh. “But still. She loves you, and you can tell that you love her.” I sat silently, letting his words wash over me. “What?”
“Nothing…You are just a very observant person.”
He shrugged. “I like to pay attention.” I looked down and smiled. “What?” he whispered again.
“Thank you for earlier…checking on me before my run. You didn’t need to do that…but thank you.”
“I just knew you weren’t okay.”
“How could you know that? You barely know me.”
He paused for a moment and stared at his bowl of froyo before speaking, almost deciphering his words.
“I want to get to know you. Because it feels like I’ve known you a lot longer than I have.”
His words covered my body in goosebumps, but I wasn’t cold. The warmth was back.
“Too much?” He spoke very low.
I shook my head fiercely. “No.”
“Then what?”
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