I Go Where You Go

by Jaelyn Hardin

  Finally, it was Friday, which meant I just had to get through the day so I could go to Dani’s and relax. It was one day I had to get through. I’d been through worse; I could do it.

  Matt and I were in our bubbles, enjoying the simplicity of our morning. But it didn’t last long because Derrick showed up.

  “Becka, Becka, Becka,” he sang as he walked to our table. “So, this is where you’ve been hiding.”

  Matt wasn’t sure what to do, I could tell. He looked back at me, clearly confused. I put my pen down and clasped my hands together, praying for a miracle.

  “Leave me alone, Derrick,” I said it as calmly but assertively as I could. I didn’t want to cause a scene or let Matt in on this world, I just wanted him to go away.

  “But Becka, I’ve missed you.” Derrick sat down and wrapped his arm around me, pulling me into him. I ripped it off my body like it was on fire. This, of course, made him laugh. “Don’t be like that.”

  “I think she wants you to back off, dude.” Matt stepped in, his voice deep and aggressive. This only riled Derrick up more.

  “Did you get yourself a boyfriend?” He nudged me with his elbow like he was playing. “Did you tell him about, you know,” he puffed out his cheeks and pretended to waddle.

  “Get the fuck away from me, Derrick!” I pushed him out of his chair until he fell on the floor. He smiled sadistically back at me before leaving.

  “See you later, 3B.”

  I propped my elbows on the table and covered my face in my hands. It was taking everything I had not to break down in tears. No matter what I did, these people would not leave me alone.

  “Becka?” Matt whispered so softly.

  “I’m fine,” I blurted out. I tried to compose my face as best I could. I sniffled away anything that was going to fall out, wiped away any reminisce of tears, picked up my pen and continued reading my textbook.

  “Becka.”

  “I said I’m fine.” I was being short with him, I knew it. But I had to if I was going to keep it together. Breaking down in front of him wasn’t an option.

  “Clearly, you’re not.” I couldn’t look up at him, I stayed staring at my book. One look in those intense eyes of his and I would’ve lost it. “Becka —”

  “Matt, just let it go.” I could feel his eyes on me for a few moments before he picked up his pen and went back to his work. I hated this, but it had to be done.

  While getting ready to go to movie night, I couldn’t keep Matt off my mind. I knew he wanted to know me, but knowing me meant knowing the good and the bad, and the bad sucked. The bad included horrible memories that I just wanted to forget. And I was doing okay until stupid people like Derrick had to fuck it all up. I didn’t know what to do.

  I brought my packed bag downstairs and found Mom folding laundry in the living room. I knew she would be able to help or at least get me out of my head.

  “Mom?”

  “What’s up, Becka?”

  I sat down on the couch next to her and prepared myself. “Matt told me he wants to get to know me. And that scares the hell out of me.”

  “Why?”

  “Because getting to know me means learning everything, and everything sucks.”

  “Not all of it.”

  I agreed. “No, not all of it. But the parts where I have no self-esteem, am incredibly obese and let other people tell me what to do sucks.”

  She finished folding one of Rhylie’s shirts before giving me her full attention. “Becka, why do you think he wants to get to know you?”

  “Because he’s probably drunk.”

  “Be serious. Why, for real, would this boy want to get to know you?” She gave me her mom-smile. I knew where she was headed.

  “Because he likes me?”

  “And if he likes you, and I mean really likes you, then he wants to know it all, good and bad. It doesn’t matter how it looks. He just wants to know.”

  I took a deep breath, running my hands through my hair. “I’m just scared.”

  “Because of Aiden.” She didn’t have to ask, she already knew.

  “He was sweet in the beginning too. I don’t want to end up like that again.”

  Mom reached across the distance between us and held my hand in hers. “Now tell me, with everything you know about Matt, and all your gut feelings, do you really think he would do that? Honestly?”

  There wasn’t a doubt in my mind. “No.”

  “Then what are you so afraid of?”

  I pulled up to Dani’s house and felt nervous. I wasn’t sure if Matt was going to be mad at me or how he was going to act, but I needed to find out.

  He opened the door just like always, with a smile.

  “Hi, Becka.”

  “Hi.” So far so good.

  We were gathering snacks in the kitchen while Dani and James argued over a movie genre for the evening. I took it as my opportunity to talk to him and set it straight.

  “Hey, Matt?”

  “Yeah?” He was pouring copious amounts of popcorn into a bowl.

  “I’m sorry about earlier today.”

  He looked back at me confused. “You don’t have to apologize, Becka.”

  “I feel like I do. You were just trying to help, and I shut you out.”

  “That brick wall comes in handy.”

  “I guess it does.”

  He shook out the rest of the popcorn before giving me his full attention. “It’s not a big deal. If you don’t want to talk about it, I’m not going to force you. If you say you’re fine, I’ll try and respect that. But if you ever do want to let me in, let me know.”

  The doubt I had about him before was melting off into a puddle on the floor. He was definitely different. “Okay.”

  Sunday evening came, and I was curled up in a ball on the couch in my living room reading. Rhylie was coloring on the floor already in her pajamas, Mom was in her studio working on another canvas and Ryan was watching football. It was a great way to end the weekend.

  As I was reading my book, trapped in the mind of the pages, my phone went off. The only people that normally called me were already with me, so I assumed it was Dani. But I looked at my screen and found “MATT”. We had been texting since I gave him my number, but a phone call was unprecedented.

  “Hello?” I asked, feeling confused.

  “Hey, Becka. Are you busy?”

  “No?” I was feeling suspicious of him. “I don’t think so.”

  “Would you want to go for a run with me?”

  “Now?” I looked outside and saw that it was getting dark quickly.

  “Have you ever been night running before?”

  “I can’t say that I have.”

  “Then we definitely need to go. What do you say?” The sound of his voice made the idea more intriguing.

  “Yeah, sure,” I smiled. “I guess I could do that. Where should I meet you?”

  “The park where Rhylie fell. See you in twenty?”

  “Okay. Bye.” I hung up and jumped off the couch.

  “Where are you going?” Ryan asked.

  “I’m going for a run with Matt.”

  “Now? In the dark?” Ryan asked with a strange look on his face. “That’s not weird.”

  I ran upstairs and changed into black leggings and a white tank top. My hair was too short to do anything with, so I braided my bangs back and called it a day. I put on my running shoes and headed downstairs.

  “Can I come too?” Rhylie asked from the carpet.

  “Not this time Bug, it’s too dark to ride bikes. We can go this week, okay?”

  “Okay!” She wrapped her unbroken arm around my body as best she could. “Love you, Becka!”

  How could I not feel loved? “Love you too.” I headed for the door. “I’ll be back in a while, Ryan.”

  “Be careful.” He didn’t know he didn’t need to worry about Matt. But I couldn’t blame him, not after Aiden.

  “I will. See you later.”

  I hopped out of my car at
the same time as Matt. Coincidentally, he was also wearing black shorts and a white t-shirt. The sun was setting behind him and the weather was breezy and perfect. I was already excited. Plus, I was happy to see him. We were getting to know each other better, and I kind of liked it. Not even kind of, I liked it, but I wasn’t letting myself embrace it.

  “Hey,” I said as I walked towards him.

  “Hey, yourself.” He locked his car and hid his keys in his wheel-well. “Have you ever run on this trail?”

  I shook my head no. “I usually just run by my house.” The setting sun was shining down on him and it made his hair shine in the light. Normally it was brown, but it turned almost sandy. It was getting longer too, flipping up at the ends around his face. I couldn’t help but take him in.

  “This trail is a good one,” he told me as he stretched out his legs. “It’s a few miles and it loops back around to the park.”

  “How is it in the dark?”

  “You’ll see, I guess.” His suspicion was bringing back the warmth.

  “How long is this trail?” I probably should have asked that before I agreed to the run.

  “About four miles. It’s such a good trail that you don’t really notice the length.”

  “I think my legs might,” I joked with him.

  “You’re gonna like it. Come on.”

  We were in sync with each other, feet hitting the dirt and breath matching. It was crazy how equal it felt to be running next to him. It didn’t feel like I had to compete with him, it just felt like we were one and the same.

  As we ran, the dense greenery from the trees made it appear darker than it was, but it added something to the run. The cool air intensified everything, making it something I couldn’t get enough of. I could feel myself pushing harder with each step, wanting more.

  Through every turn, every hill, every drop, and every step, we kept going. Soon the sun was completely set, and the moon was our flashlight. But it wasn’t scary in the slightest. It was exhilarating. I never wanted to run at any other time of the day.

  When we got passed the third mile, my legs were starting to tense up. Strengthening my legs had made them feel heavier, causing more strain and making me slow down.

  “You okay?” Matt breathed out while keeping his pace.

  “Calves are tensing up,” I admitted. The following steps were making my calves ache and ache, I was feeling the struggle.

  “We are almost there.” He slowed down his pace a little bit to stay with me, but this made me feel bad. I didn’t want him to have to slow down for me. I wanted him to see that I could do this on my own. So, I pushed. I picked up my feet and I ran, and I ran until I saw the opening at the end of the trail. Matt picked up his pace and started sprinting, and I was right there with him.

  When we made it back to the concrete of the parking lot, we collapsed. I closed my eyes and tried to catch my breath, but it was gone. My chest was rising and falling quicker than ever, and my calves were about to explode, but I felt fantastic. I was lying in complete darkness, my heart pounding, but with a smile on my face and it was all worth it.

  “That was incredible,” I whispered, unable to get out more than that.

  “I told you,” Matt also spoke with a whisper. “There is nothing like it.”

  “It was amazing.”

  “How are your calves?”

  “Doing better,” I grunted as I tried to sit up. “I just need to stretch them out.”

  “I’ve got some waters in my car.” Somehow after completely exhausting his body, he could still move like nothing. I grunted myself off the ground and stood on my shaky legs, my calves still screaming. Matt handed me a water, but he smiled too.

  “What?” I asked, curious about his face.

  “I’m just impressed.” He took another swig of water. “One second you say your calves hurt and the next you are sprinting.”

  “The sprint is the best part.”

  He smiled back at me. “Well, I’m impressed. That was a good run.” He nodded over towards the park. “You want to walk?” I nodded in agreement and he led the way. “How was your day?”

  “Relaxing, I spent all day at home reading and drinking coffee in my sweatpants.”

  He laughed. “Sounds like the perfect Sunday. Did you work on your essay at all?”

  “I got some of it done yesterday, it’s coming along.”

  “So, you’ve picked a topic I’m guessing?”

  “Yeah. It’s more difficult to write about that I thought.” He didn’t say anything, so I continued. “It’s pretty personal, so it’s just weird putting it on paper for someone else to read.”

  We went back to the same table we sat at before, sitting on the top and putting our shoes on the bench.

  “I think talking about personal stuff can always be difficult. You want the person listening to understand the way you understand and not to judge. That’s not something you can just do.” He looked so serious; his eyes deeper than usual.

  “You know a lot about this,” I said, not wanting to pry, but clearly wanting to pry.

  He shrugged. “We all have stuff.” He rolled his water bottle in his hands as he looked at the ground. “Good and bad, right?”

  “Yeah.” I looked up at the sky, trying to control my thoughts. I felt ready to talk to him, but I didn’t know how. How do you tell someone the things you hate about yourself?

  “What are you looking at?” He stared up at the same sky.

  “I love the sky.” I didn’t mean to whisper, but I almost couldn’t help it. “There’s just something about it that calms me, day or night. So, when I feel overwhelmed, or just need to relax or think, I focus on the sky.”

  “I like that,” he whispered too, taking in the stars. “What are you thinking about now? I know you’re thinking about something.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “Because when you think too hard, you get a crease, right here.” He poked at the wrinkled spot between my eyebrows.

  I moved my head away and laughed. “How did you notice that?”

  “You do a lot of thinking,” he joked. “Come on though, what’s on your mind?”

  “I want to talk to you… but I don’t know that I can… or should.”

  “Why not, if you don’t mind me asking?”

  I looked up at the stars and tried to think of how to word everything I wanted to say. “Because I feel like I just met you, so I shouldn’t be dumping my life on you.” It felt good to be honest.

  “But you still want to tell me?” he asked. I nodded. “Why?”

  “Because I think you’re a good person. But that scares me because I tend to get close to the wrong people.” I looked back at him and met his eyes. “But I don’t think you are wrong people.”

  His expression showed comfort and understanding. “I agree that it feels like I just met you, but I don’t get that feeling when I talk to you.” His honesty caught me off guard. “Does that surprise you?” I nodded, unable to speak. “I mean, it’s just kind of the way it is. And I know you’ve got stuff to deal with, but I don’t want you to have to deal with it alone.”

  “What about you and your stuff? Who helps you with that?” I asked, hoping for a good answer.

  “I’m just used to dealing with it on my own, you know. But you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

  “I don’t think I want to,” I whispered to him.

  “Then let’s talk,” he poked my forehead again, “without the crease.”

  “Stop it,” I waved his hand away. “There’s kind of a lot to tell, and it’s not pretty.”

  He shook his head, “I’m not here to judge, I just want to know you. Good and bad, remember?”

  I exhaled slowly and rang out my hands, too focused on the ground below me to meet his eyes. I couldn’t look at him while I told him, it would be too much.

  “I used to be fat, like really fat. And because I was so big, I got made fun of by pretty much everyone, especially Ashleigh and t
he guys on the football team. They gave me a nickname and it stuck.” I looked up at the stars, trying to find the strength to tell the truth. “They all called me 3B. It stands for Big Belly Becka.” I wanted to look at his eyes, but fear of what his reaction might be stopped me. “I had a scare from the doctor, and they told me I had to change the way I ate, so I did. I got a trainer and we met with a nutritionist. I lost seventy-five pounds.” I still couldn’t meet his eyes, but I saw him nod slowly.

  “I lost the weight and Ashleigh wanted to be my friend, and I felt on top of the world. People knew who I was, and the most popular girl was my best friend. It didn’t get better than that, you know?” I was hoping he would have some sort of understanding. “But what I said was always criticized, and I never did anything right. It felt like there was nowhere left for me to go. I got lost.” I was feeling emotional, but I just wanted to get through it. “A few weeks before I met you, Ashleigh introduced me to this guy on the team. Everything was going well, I thought that things were looking up. But then I found out he only went out with me for a bet to see if he could have sex with me.”

  Matt’s eyes turned wide and came straight for me. “What?”

  “He bet a guy on the team and Ashleigh was helping him win, telling him what to do to make me happy so I would sleep with him. She said she did it to help me because I clearly can’t do on my own.” Matt didn’t move, he just looked back at me. “I felt like I wasn’t good enough for anyone or anything, I felt like a joke. I still do sometimes.” A tear unwillingly slid down my face even though I tried my best to stop it.

  “Becka,” he slid his hand through his hair and looked at me with wide eyes. “You are the farthest thing from a joke.”

  “It is what it is, you know?”

  He shook his head. “You are still managing to be independent and strong even with all of that?”

  “It wasn’t like that at first, there was a lot of help from Dani. And you too.”

  “Me?” he asked. “What did I do?”

  “You were nice to me, and you cared. And that was more than I thought I would ever get again.”

  Matt put his arm around me and pulled me in for a hug. It was like instinct. I didn’t jolt from his touch this time; I just accepted the warmth. Without the tiniest bit of doubt or fear, I leaned into his chest and relaxed. The hard part was over.