“Was it that guy who keeps showing up? The guy from the library?”
My forehead wrinkles were in full effect. “Derrick? No. He’s just a dick. His name is Aiden, Aiden Clark.”
He nodded reassuringly. “Well, either way, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.”
He rubbed my shoulder softly, making my breathing smooth. It was probably the calmest I had been in a long time, if not ever.
“My mom died when I was ten,” he said softly. I didn’t move an inch, I just listened. “She got sick and then just like that she was gone. It all happened really fast.” I felt the need to say I’m sorry, but I got the idea that that wasn’t what he needed to hear.
I lifted my head off his chest to meet his eyes. “Are you okay?”
He shrugged. “It is what it is, I am trying to look on the bright side of it. I know that’s what my mom would have wanted me to do. She was always positive like that.”
“Is that why you want to leave?” I asked, thinking I might have figured part of him out.
He nodded. “Partly. She grew up here, so everyone knew her. People still mention her when I go places, and sometimes it’s nice, but sometimes it’s just this look, this look of that’s her son and I don’t like the pity. I want people to see me and think about the goodness in my mom, not the family she left behind.”
I listened carefully to his honesty. “You deserve to go and find that peace.”
“I hope so.”
“What was her name, if you don’t mind me asking,” I wasn’t sure if it was too personal to ask, but I also felt like we were there.
“Natalie.”
I re-laid my head on his chest and breathed him in, letting him squeeze my shoulder again. He rested his head on mine and I felt his heart slow.
“You didn’t have to tell me that, but I’m glad you did.”
“Me too.” He rubbed my arm slowly, making my skin rise with heat.
“I don’t know what it is, but talking to you is just so…” I was trying to think of the perfect word.
“Easy?”
“Easy.”
Ten
Over the next two weeks, I had been busier than expected. Each day was nothing but homework, track, and college preparation. I was always working on something. It felt like there was no time to relax, ever.
Every day during free period, Matt and I worked on homework or we studied for upcoming tests. Since our night run, talking to him was so much easier and more frequent, it was part of my routine and I wouldn’t have traded it for anything. I was so surprised at how easy it was to talk to him. I wanted to be scared, or nervous, or something, but I found myself feeling the exact opposite.
Since my arrival to the team, the females had still not warmed up to me. They hated my presence and ignored me whenever possible. It took every ounce of strength I had to get through it, and somehow, I was managing. I stayed by myself for most of practice, which I didn’t mind too much. I was able to run and clear my head. And since I was so busy, I didn’t have time to run after school with Rhylie. Track was my only chance. I couldn’t take it for granted. My sanity depended on it.
My scholarship essay had been giving me a lot of anxiety. I knew what I was going to write about, but physically doing it and not making it sound sad and pathetic was the real challenge. I spent half the time trying to write it and the other half doubting whether I should write it at all. The doubt made me turn frantic.
“Becka, calm down,” Matt told me one morning as I stared at my paper, shaking the table with my leg.
“I’m just frustrated. It’s hard to write about a fat girl with no self-esteem.”
“That’s not what you’re doing though, you are telling your story. And frankly, I would love to read about her, and how she ended up changing her life and becoming the person she really wanted to be.”
“You make it sound like a movie,” I laughed at him, which thankfully made him smile back.
“All I’m saying is don’t sell yourself short. Not a lot of people would do what you did.” He looked back down at his book for a moment before turning back to me. “And for the record, you are much more than that fat girl.”
I went to track that afternoon with Matt’s words still in my head. If I was much more than that fat girl than I had to be more than the other half too. I had never supported Ashleigh, but I never did anything about it either, and that was just as bad. But I knew I was more than what the team thought of me, I just needed to prove it to them.
After our warmup run, the team was walking back to the field to stretch out. I usually sat next to James or by myself, but I needed to try. This mutiny was, after all, my fault. I spotted a girl named Alexis who was sitting on the turf stretching out her legs.
“Hey, it’s Alexis, right?” I tried to sound as nice as I could, but her expression told me she didn’t believe it for a second.
“Yeah.”
“I thought so.” I sat down next to her and started to stretch out my legs too. “Tough warmup, right?” She said nothing, just looked away and continued to ignore me. “So, what events are you doing for the meet?” I was trying anything at this point.
She exhaled. “What is your deal?” She looked at me like I was a nuisance.
“What do you mean?”
“We all know what you are about, so I don’t see the point in you being here.” Alexis pulled in her legs and wrapped her arms around them.
“I joined the team because I like to run, and James said I would be a good fit.”
“James doesn’t know you how we know you. James wasn’t there when your best friend tortured us all and you stood by and did nothing,” she snapped again. Damn Alexis, she got me.
I nodded. “I’m sorry I never stopped her.”
“I don’t want your apology. I just don’t want you on this team.” She stood up and looked down at me. "You might be used to getting whatever you want, but it’s not like that here. We are a family; you can’t bully your way in.”
I finished my stretches by myself and tried to shake it off. I couldn’t blame her. Ashleigh chose Alexis because of her athletic build. She had a runner’s body, which didn’t include a big butt or much of a breast size, which was prime ammunition for Ashleigh. Alexis became Alex and I was a spectator to the torture. I couldn’t blame her for hating me, I just needed to find my in.
“You okay, Becka?” James came over.
“Getting people to like you when they hate you is hard. Like really hard.”
“They will come around.” He held out his hand and pulled me up. “Just keep trying.” There was no way I was going to quit.
I worked on my run times during practice. I still hadn’t been assigned to an event, so I just practiced until my time came. I ran two miles in 13:30. I caught my breath and met with Coach afterward.
“What was that?” she asked.
“Two miles, Coach.”
“Do you consider yourself to be a distance runner or a sprinter?” she asked, marking something down on her clipboard.
I shrugged. “I like both. Distance clears my head but going fast is a rush.”
“Ever thought of doing both?” she suggested. I shook my head. “We will keep practicing, but we have a meet coming up, you need an event and you need it now.”
“Yes, ma’am.” I was worried I wasn’t going to be good enough for the meet and everyone would continue to hate me. Coach could sense my nerves.
“You sure you still want to be here?” Her worry lines on her forehead went up.
“Yes, ma’am.” It was true. I did want to be on the team, I just wanted the team to want me.
We headed back to the locker rooms to get our things after practice and I was wiped, ready to be home. The football team was getting ready for their away game, filing into the buses together. People flooded the parking lot to watch them leave, as if it mattered. But I spotted Ashleigh and Madison right away. Ashleigh’s head spun around, and I thought she found me, but she wasn’
t looking at me, it was more like through me. She started walking in my direction, but I wasn’t her target. She went straight for Alexis.
“Look who it is.” Ashleigh popped up in her face.
Alexis rolled her eyes and tried to walk past her, but Ashleigh wasn’t having it.
“My, my, Alex, are you looking bulkier?” she asked with a grin.
“Leave me alone,” she said with a sharp tone. I could tell Alexis had had more than enough of Ashleigh to last her a lifetime.
“Oh, Alex is the sensitive type.” She laughed loudly, and I couldn’t take it anymore.
“Just leave her alone, Ashleigh.” Ashleigh turned around and seemed surprised to see me.
“Can I help you with something?” She looked back and forth between me and Alexis and started laughing. “Oh! You’re friends with Alex now?”
“Her name is Alexis and we are both tired of dealing with you and your bullshit.”
Ashleigh rolled her eyes again like it didn’t bother her. “Whatever, you’ll come running back once you’re done slumming it with the dread girl and Alex over here.”
“Can’t get much lower than you.”
I made my way to the locker room, ready to go home. I grabbed my bag and went to lock my locker when I heard my name.
“Becka.”
I turned around and Alexis was walking towards me.
“Yeah?”
“Why did you do that?” Her light eyes were squinting at me in irritation.
“Do what?”
“Defend me to Ashleigh. I don’t need your help and I don’t need your pity. I’ve gotten by just fine without you.”
I was confused by why she was upset. “I know you don’t need my help. She just goes too far, and she shouldn’t be talking about anyone. It wasn’t pity. It was just the right thing to do.”
“It’s a little late, don’t you think?”
I shrugged. “Everything went too far at one point or another, so I’m gonna do my best now.” She just stared back at me without saying a word. “It’s not pity, Alexis, it’s what I owe you.”
She stared back at me for a few more seconds before taking a few steps back.
“I’ll see you at practice.”
I got home from practice, ready to unwind on any flat surface I could find, but I found Dani in my living room with my sister.
“Dani?” She was a mystery that girl.
“Hi, Becka.” She didn’t lift her head from her coloring book. “How was practice?”
“Long,” I shuffled off my shoes and went to grab some water. “As always.”
“Hi, Becka!” Rhylie waved frantically from her spot next to Dani. “Dani came over to color with me!”
“I see that,” I smiled, loving how happy she was. “Are you having fun?”
“So much fun!” Her grin was ear to ear.
“I’m glad.” I sipped my water slowly and enjoyed my environment. At least no one here had trust issues with me.
“Hey, do you mind if I bug you for a second?” Dani turned away from her coloring to ask me.
“Everything okay?” This was not like Dani.
“Yea, just want to run something by you.” She pointed at the ceiling. “Upstairs?”
“Sure.” I followed her to the staircase. I didn’t know what was about to happen, but I was very curious.
We got to my bedroom and I sat on the edge of my bed, waiting for Dani to speak. After she closed the door, she started pacing the room back and forth. She wasn’t one to be nervous, which was making me nervous.
“Dani, you’re freaking me out.” I tried my best to laugh but it came out awkwardly. “What’s up?”
“If I ask you something, do you promise to be honest?”
Confusion swept over me. “Sure?”
“No, you have to be completely sure. I need full honesty here.”
“Okay, yes, I’ll be honest.”
“You swear?”
“Dani.”
She stopped in front of me and paused, catching her words. “Do you like my brother?”
For real? This is what she had to ask me? “What?”
“Do you like my brother?”
“Dani, I’m confused.”
“Just answer the question.” She wasn’t angry, but she was very assertive.
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?”
“Dani, what do you want me to say?”
“I want you to tell me the truth!” She was getting really intense, really fast.
“I don’t know!” I was overwhelmed. I was trying to keep myself from thinking this way, I wasn’t planning on talking to Dani about it. “I like him as a person. I like the way he cares about things. I like the way he talks about things he cares about.” I felt like I lost my breath. “I like how easy it is to talk to him.”
The aggressive nature in Dani subdued and she looked at me with compassion. She sat down on the bed next to me and exhaled. “Okay.”
“Okay, what?” I was still super confused.
“Listen, you are my best friend. I found you in that bathroom and we have gotten so close, I only want the best for you. But my brother is my brother, and we have been through some shit.” She exhaled deeply again. “I just need to make sure he is going to be okay just as much as you.”
She was protecting her brother, I got that. But why?
“What does one thing have to do with the other?”
“What do you mean?”
“What does me being okay and Matt being okay have to do with each other?”
She choked out a laugh before covering her mouth with her hand. “Dude, are you blind?” I just stared at her, clearly lost. “Homie likes you. And I mean likes you.”
I looked straight ahead, trying to comprehend what was happening. She was protecting Matt to make sure I didn’t hurt him. Woah.
“Please tell me you knew that already?” She laughed again but I couldn’t answer. “Dude, how did you not know?”
I put my head down to my chest and whispered. “Cause’ I thought Aiden liked me too.” It clicked for her. Dani wrapped her arms around my body and pulled me in.
“Aiden is an asshole who tricked you.”
“And I fell for it, Dani. I believed all of it. Who’s to say someone won’t do it again?”
“Do you honestly believe Matt would do that?” I could tell there was hurt in her voice.
“No, but it’s hard. I believed in someone and it was all a lie. I don’t know that I can just trust someone completely again.”
“Do you want to try?”
“Yes.”
“Then tell him that, Becka.” She held me at arm’s length and stared into my eyes. “Just tell Matt that it’s going to take time to trust again. Don’t push him away because you aren’t ready. He will understand.” I shook away my tears, tired of being so emotional all the time.
“He really likes me?” I whispered, unable to meet her eyes.
“Dude!” Dani shook my body as if I was asleep. “He so likes you! Do you remember that morning you two went to the gym together without me?”
I nodded. “Yea, Matt said he tried to wake you up.”
A mischievous smiled appeared across her lips. “He never woke me up, Becka.” My crease jumped into my forehead so quickly I could’ve given myself a headache. “He wanted to go to the gym with you, just you and him. He never woke me up that morning.” I couldn’t believe my ears. “And the day you made the track team, and we took you to get froyo? Not my idea. All Matt.”
I looked into the distance of my room, trying to comprehend what she was telling me.
“He likes you, Becka. Trust me. But more importantly, try and trust him.”
That night, I laid in the bathtub surrounded by bubbles and the smell of lavender. My heart rate was down, and my body was calm. I had a washcloth over my forehead, and I was finally resting.
I couldn’t concentrate on track or my spout with Alexis because all I could think about w
as what Dani told me. Matt had been trying to get to know me without me even noticing. Was I that closed off to other people? If I was honest with myself, I knew I was. Aiden and Ashleigh had crushed that part of me, and I hadn’t been willing to repair it. But Matt was different. Matt was worth the repair. I wanted to trust again; I didn’t want to shut down from the world. But saying it and doing it were two completely different things.
My ringtone broke my train of thought, and when I saw Matt’s name on the screen, I knew I wouldn’t be able to think straight for much longer.
“Hey.”
“Hey yourself,” he said nicely. “What are you doing?”
I felt my cheeks blush. “Uhm... taking a bath.”
He coughed out loudly, clearly embarrassed. “Oh…do you want me to call you back?”
“No, it’s okay… how are you?”
“I’m good. I’m at home watching a movie, just felt like talking to you.”
“What are you watching?”
“The Social Network, that movie about Facebook.”
I smiled to myself. “I love that movie.”
“Seriously? Me too. I’ve watched it so many times.”
“What part are you at?”
“They are talking about the chicken.”
I laughed loudly. “Don’t fish eat other fish?”
“The marlin and the trout!” He finished the line for me. We laughed together through the phone, my body shaking in the water.
“We should watch it together,” he added.
“Okay.” I smiled, hoping he was doing the same. “Do you mind if I run something by you?”
“Of course not.” He was always so willing to hear me out, I loved it. But nerves ran through me again. We hadn’t had a serious conversation in about two weeks since our run in the park. I didn’t want to freak him out, but Dani was right, he needed to know.
“I really like talking to you.”
“I really like talking to you too.”
I was trying to find the perfect way to put it. “But, because of everything from before, I’m having a hard time.”
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