I Go Where You Go

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I Go Where You Go Page 19

by Jaelyn Hardin


  “That’s my point. Aiden was friends with Austin and Ashleigh before you went out with him. They were all friends. But Matt wasn’t in that group. Matt didn’t talk to Ashleigh one time while you were friends with her, not even for a second. They have no connection. So, do you really think that Ashleigh is behind this one?”

  I wiped my hands across my face and thought about her words. She had a point. They didn’t speak. But did that mean Ashleigh didn’t persuade him somehow? I’d seen her do it before.

  “I just don’t get it. I saw him with her, and then he was texting me like nothing happened. If I had stayed at school, was he just going to lie to me about talking to her? Has he been talking to her the whole time?”

  “You are going to have to talk to him and ask.”

  I shook my head viciously. “No. I can’t talk to him.”

  “Becka, what if you’re wrong about this? What if this is something completely different and you throw him away based on your assumptions? Is that what you want to do?”

  “No, but I don’t want to be right either. I won’t be able to take it if I’m right, Mom.” I cleaned the tears away before they had a chance to fall.

  “I know, sweetie. But you have to find out for yourself. If you are right, then you know. But if you’re wrong, you didn’t throw away a good thing.”

  “Do you still think it’s a good thing?”

  She looked down and thought for a moment. “I think you need to find the truth before you can fully decide.”

  A knock on the door took my attention away from my mom. I expected it to be Rhylie, but instead it was Ryan. He went to speak but when he saw my face, he looked alarmed.

  “Hey, you okay?”

  I nodded. “I’m fine, what’s up?”

  He pointed toward the stairs. “Your friend Matt is here.”

  I lost my breath again. Mom looked at me with wide eyes to match mine.

  “What?” My body was in shock.

  “Your friend Matt, the one that helped Rhylie when she broke her arm? I just got home, and he pulled into the driveway right behind me. Said he wanted to see if you were feeling better?” Ryan shrugged, waiting for my answer. “Do you want me to tell him to leave? Or…”

  “No, she will be right down,” Mom answered for me.

  “Mom,” I scolded. The last thing I wanted to do was go downstairs and talk to him about this. I was a mess and I wasn’t ready.

  “No, Becka. You need to do this. You need to go talk to him and figure out what is going on. Otherwise, you are going to sit up here and drive yourself insane.” She combed my hair away from my face and wiped my tears. “Go wash your face and prepare yourself, then come downstairs when you’re ready.” She leaned in and kissed my forehead before following Ryan into the hall and closing the door.

  I did as I was told and washed my face. It seemed appropriate that I told Matt I was sick since I now looked the part. At least it would look like I told the truth.

  I wanted to hope for the best. I wanted to hope that I was wrong and trust everything Matt had told me. But I had been let down too many times. It felt like hope was long gone.

  I tried to focus on my breathing as I descended the staircase, but hope was lost for that as well. I spotted the back of his head on the couch and my heart started to race. He was wearing that same button-up I saw him in at school. Mom, Ryan, and Rhylie were nowhere to be found. I assumed Mom told everyone to disappear so Matt and I could talk. Here goes nothing.

  “Hey,” I tried to speak normally but it came out all crackly. I cleared my throat and moved around him, sitting on the same couch but far enough away.

  “Hey,” he smiled greatly. “How are you feeling?”

  I combed my hair away from my face, unable to make eye contact with him. “I’m okay.”

  He stared, trying to read me. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I tried texting you during the day, but I figured you were sleeping.” I nodded, looking down at my hands. I was going to have to speak up and say something, but I was too nervous to move, let alone speak. “Is everything okay?” I exhaled deeply and squeezed my hands together, here we go.

  “I need to ask you something, and I need you to just be honest with me.”

  “Okay?” He looked confused, but he was listening carefully.

  “Is there something going on with you and Ashleigh?”

  His eyebrows furrowed like my mom’s had. “What?”

  “I saw you with her this morning.”

  His eyebrows stayed furrowed and his head turned slightly. “This morning? You saw me this morning?”

  I nodded. “I was walking to the library and I saw you with her in the commons.”

  His eyes went wide with realization. “I was waiting for you to show up so I could tell you what happened, but you never did, and I totally forgot!” He clasped his hands and rubbed them together quickly. “I was on my way to the library and Ashleigh stopped me and just started flirting with me.”

  “What?” It was my turn to furrow my eyebrows.

  “I’m serious. She stopped me and just started hitting on me. Told me I looked like Shawn Mendes and she’s always had a thing for him,” he rolled his eyes in annoyance.

  “And what did you say?” I asked lightly, nervous.

  “Nothing at first, because I couldn’t stop laughing.”

  “Why were you laughing?”

  He looked at me with a surprising smile. “Are you serious?” I was lost. “Becka, I laughed because it was ridiculous! From what you told me, I know how she is with guys, regardless of her boyfriend. I knew it was all an act, and it was just sad. Hilariously sad.”

  I stared back at him in a daze. I wanted to believe him so badly. He had never given me a reason not to trust him before this, and if what he was saying was true, I was wrong.

  “What happened after? After you laughed?” I needed to know everything.

  He shrugged. “She realized it wasn’t working so she got ugly, saying some…stuff about you, and—”

  “What did she say?” I cut him off. He combed his fingers through his hair and stared at his feet. “Please, just tell me.”

  He rubbed his palms together again. He did that a lot when he was preparing to speak. “I mean… she said that I was wasting my time with you. And if I wanted to have any fun, I should ditch you and start hanging out with her.”

  I took it all in. Her words didn’t bother me nearly as much as they should have, but it wasn’t my priority. Clearing this up with him was what was important.

  “Wait, if you saw me this morning, why did you leave?” I couldn’t meet his eyes this time. I kept mine closed for as long as I could. “You’re not sick.” It wasn’t a question, he figured it out. I dropped my head and shook it no. “You saw me with Ashleigh, and you left.”

  A tear escaped too quickly for me to catch it. “I saw her hand on your shoulder and you smiling at her and I panicked,” I spoke so quietly I wasn’t sure he heard me. “You told me I could trust you and then I saw you with her and I freaked out. I thought this was just like last time.”

  Without hesitation, Matt scooted closer to me on the couch and covered my hands in his. They were warm and softer than I imagined them to be. And feeling his hands on mine gave me a comfort I didn’t think I could feel but knew I desperately needed. He didn’t look away from me for a second. His eyes stayed with me the entire time.

  “I would never do to you what that douche did. To you or to anyone.”

  I exhaled, not realizing I was holding my breath. “I know.”

  “Do you?” he asked, his face changing. “Did you think I would? Did you really think that I was working with Ashleigh this whole time?”

  “No, I just…” I was getting choked up again. “It just hurt so bad when it happened last time. And you and I… I just like talking to you so much. I saw you with her and I didn’t know what to think. You looked so…happy.” Another tear shot down, so I dropped my head to hide it from him. The last thing I w
anted was for him to see me cry.

  “I was only laughing because she was being ridiculous. You are the farthest thing from a waste of time, and the fact that she thought she could change my mind was hilarious to me.” He squeezed my hands again, trying to get me to look up. “I get what it looked like, and I’m sorry you thought this was all a joke. But this is not a joke to me.” Matt released my hands and touched the bottom of my chin, tilting my head up so I had no choice but to look at him. “You are not a joke to me, Becka.”

  More tears fell, but I let them go this time. I believed him, and I hated that I hadn’t right away.

  “Come here.” Matt wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pulled me into his chest tightly. I didn’t try to fight him. I draped my arms around his stomach and squeezed. This was what I needed more than anything.

  “I’m sorry,” I mumbled into his chest. “I’m sorry I thought the worst.”

  “It’s okay, I get it.” He started rubbing my back slowly, bringing back that warm feeling throughout my body. “I like you, Becka.” His words were soft and clear. “You know that, right?”

  I whispered into his shirt. “Yea, I do.”

  “I’m not going to mess that up. You told me yesterday that it will take you a while to trust, and I get it. But I’m not going to do anything to hurt you. You don’t have to believe me right now, but I need you to hear me say it. I’m not going to do anything to hurt you.”

  I relaxed in his arms and focused on his breathing. He was being so understanding. I wanted to trust him so badly. After today’s festivities, I knew I wasn’t completely ready, but Matt was making it easier to see it was possible.

  “I’m sorry to change the subject, but I really want to talk to you about zombies.”

  I went to school the next day feeling a lot better. Happy, almost. Matt spent a long time at my house after his surprise arrival. He stayed for dinner, and my family made themselves scarce for quite a while, giving us time. And I needed it more than I thought. After we talked, we had fun. Matt recapped his thoughts on the zombie apocalypse, and we traded ridiculous scenarios that had me laughing for a great portion of the night. We just talked, and I loved every second of it.

  I arrived at the library and Matt was already there, as usual, books spread out and writing quickly.

  “Morning.”

  He peered up at me and smiled. “Hey, Becka. How are you?”

  “I’m good, how are you?”

  His eyes scanned over my body quickly, so quick I almost didn’t notice. But I did. “I’m great, good to see you.”

  I blushed quickly, taking my seat with a smile.

  We worked in our bubbles for a while, but it wasn’t long before we collided.

  “How’s your essay coming?”

  “It’s coming,” I tried to play it off, but he caught me.

  “The crease is back,” he sang his words, making me roll my eyes. “What’s up?”

  “I wrote about who I was before, but I just don’t want people to see me like that anymore. It’s conflicting.”

  He shook his head in disagreement. “But that’s not you. You just said it is who you were before, not now. Anyone can see that that isn’t you.” The deep look in his eyes was making my heart race.

  “I’m just undecided about it. Don’t know if it’s worth reading.”

  He nodded. “It’s your decision. But whether or not they get to read it, I would like to.”

  “Why?” I asked softly.

  “Good and bad, remember?” He looked down at his paper for a moment and then back to me. “Just think about it, okay?”

  “I will.” He was so thoughtful; I was entranced by his warmth. I wanted to be able to share my paper with him, but I didn’t want him to see all of me and run. But I reminded myself of the night before and everything we talked about. He saw firsthand how my mind is capable of twisting things, and he was still here.

  “You look very nice today, by the way,” he uttered as he took notes. His acknowledgement made me beam and blush simultaneously. I wore green the day before for him, but that didn’t go as planned. And after the night we had, I wanted to look nice. I had put on a black dress that stopped mid-thigh, and black Converse sneakers. I threw on a green and black flannel long sleeve over the top. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that shirt was green.”

  “Just something I felt like throwing on today.” I attempted to hide my smile to keep the tease going.

  “Seems a little suspicious to me,” he smiled. “You just happen to learn my favorite color and then suddenly you’re wearing it?”

  Like a beeline to my brain, I noticed the dark blue t-shirt he was wearing.

  “You want to talk about suspicious? Nice shirt.”

  He smiled back. “Took you long enough to notice.”

  “Are you wearing blue for me?”

  “I was yesterday, and I am today.” He was so definite in his words, no guessing games. “Are you wearing green for me?”

  “What do you think?”

  “I know what I’m hoping for.” The smirk on his face was making me blush.

  “You might be right,” I said. “Is that a bad thing?”

  He shook his head. “Not at all, Becka. Not at all.” He leaned back in his chair and seeped those deep eyes into me, including the smirk that was making my blood rush.

  “Stop looking at me like that.”

  “Like what?” he joked.

  “I’m going back to work now.” There was no way I could hide my smile, but I could try my best not to look at him.

  When I changed for track practice, there was a different vibe in the locker room. When I first joined the team, all the girls would stare as I walked through, but once they weren’t as stunned by my arrival, it was just straight ignorance. But on this day, it was different. I could feel eyes on me as I changed my clothes, and when I scanned the room, it was a big huddle of girls doing the staring. It was more annoying than intimidating. My entrance to the team was old news, they just needed to get over it.

  After we finished warming up, the team broke off into groups to practice their events. It was time for me to talk to Coach.

  Coach was standing on a straightaway, timing some of the team on their event for the meet.

  “Hey, Coach?”

  “What’s up, Becka?” she asked, not looking at me but at the other runners.

  “I was wondering if you had an opinion on what event I should do for the meet.”

  She chuckled, “you want my opinion?”

  I nodded. “You know what the team needs best, and you’ve seen me run. I want to go where I can help.”

  Her expression was unimpressed. “Is this your way of ass-kissing?”

  I was surprised. “What? No. I was just—”

  “Because that is not how you are going to fly by on this team. You work together with others and you prove yourself. Trying to get me on your good side isn’t going to do it.”

  I exhaled. “I’m here. And I want to be here. So, if there is an event that will help us win, sign me up. Please.” I could feel my temper flaring. It was one thing to tell me how I used to be, but ass-kissing? No.

  “Alright then. You want the challenge?”

  “Yes, ma’am,” I said sternly, unwilling to sound weak.

  “You got it then.” She blew the whistle wrapped around her neck and waved three girls over. I recognized Alexis immediately, but the other two were new for me. However, based on the looks they were giving me as they approached, I don’t think I was new for them.

  “Ladies, Becka will be joining your event,” Coach spoke bluntly, giving the girls no chance to warm up to the idea.

  “Are you serious?” One of the girls complained loudly.

  “What happened to Tiffany? Tiffany was our fourth.” This came from the second stranger.

  Coach shook her head. “Tiffany didn’t have the grades. No grades, no track.”

  Alexis was pissed. “There isn’t enough time to get all
four of us down on a routine. We barely had it with Tiffany.”

  “Then you better go figure it out,” Coach said. “She’s on the team now. Act like it.” It was refreshing to know she wasn’t just hard on me. “Go take out the batons and practice the pass off. We have a lot to do.”

  The three of them glared at me as they ran back to the other side of the field.

  “You will be doing the two-mile relay,” Dawson instructed me. I was immediately scared, but I still refused to show it. “Four people on a team. You each run .25 miles at a time. You must pass the baton in the designated area. If you pass in the wrong area, you’re disqualified. If you drop it, you’re disqualified. Got it?”

  I nodded. “Yes, ma’am.”

  “Scared?” The smile she shared showed that she wanted me to be.

  “No, ma’am.” I wanted to prove to her so badly that I could be on this team, and this was my chance.

  “Still want to be here?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “Go prove it.”

  I ran to my new partners as they passed a shiny, red baton back and forth between each other. They were deep in conversation when I arrived, and I assumed the subject was me.

  “Hey, guys.” No one said anything. Lovely. “Can you guys show me how this works?”

  They broke from their huddle and circled around me like a really small gang.

  “We need to talk to you first,” Alexis said, crossing her arms over her chest.

  “Alright.” I crossed my arms too, unsure of how to feel about this meeting.

  “Are you still friends with Ashleigh?” Alexis asked.

  “No.”

  “Why not?” One of the other girls chimed in. I felt like being sarcastic and defensive, but I knew if I wanted them to see that I wasn’t the same person, they were going to have to trust me.

  “Because one of the football players made a bet that he could have sex with me, and Ashleigh was trying to help him win.”

  None of them moved. They all just stared.

  “For real?” The other girl asked.

  I nodded. “She made my life hell for years. It just took me a long time to do something about it.”

  “And you just expect us to believe that you are done with it?” Alexis asked. “You want us to trust you and know that you won’t do to us what she did to us?”

 

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