I Go Where You Go

by Jaelyn Hardin

  “So, it looks like Dani and I are having a sleepover.”

  “I think you need it,” he agreed. “Time to just hang out and relax.”

  I wanted to take a chance flirting with him, still thriving on everything he said to me. I made sure Rhylie wasn’t listening before I leaned into him and whispered in his ear. “Or I could just go take a bath.”

  Matt stared at my lips intently, the corners of his own turning up slightly. “That’s not a bad idea at all.”

  “It was very relaxing.” I held onto his hand and lightly rubbed his protruding veins.

  “You better stop,” he whispered again.

  “Why?”

  Matt leaned into my ear, sending a rush of heat over my skin. “Because you have no idea how much I would love to kiss you right now.” I thought my heart was going to pound out of my chest. “But I can’t do that.”

  “Why not?”

  He shook his head no. “Not here with your family. When I do kiss you, it’s going to be just me and you.” Goosebumps invaded my entire body. I almost lost my breath. “That is if you want me to.”

  I couldn’t even meet his eyes. His lips were all I could see.

  Dani came back in the house with her bag that instant, taking me out of my trance, “Here Matt,” she passed him back his keys. “Let the sleepover commence!”

  “I think that’s my cue.” Matt let go of my hand and got up from the couch. “I’ll see you later, Rhylie.” He picked her up and received a huge hug. His next stop was to my mom. “Thanks for letting my sister take over your kitchen.”

  “You all are welcome anytime you like.” She wrapped her arms around him and gave him a hug that he took easily.

  “I’ll be upstairs.” Dani hip-bumped me. “Try not to make out in the doorway.”

  “Stop it,” I whispered to her as she flew up the stairs.

  “Bye, Matt!” She yelled as she slammed my door closed.

  “Thank you for coming over for dinner,” I said softly, feeling nervous suddenly.

  “Of course.” He smiled. “Have fun with Dani tonight.” We stood there just looking at each other with smiles, unsure of how to proceed. “Will you walk me out?” he asked quietly. Of course, I agreed. Matt held my hand and walked me out to the porch. I closed the door behind us and met Matt’s eyes.

  “Hi,” he said sweetly.

  “You’re supposed to be saying bye,” I joked.

  “I know,” he ran a hand over his hair. “I want you to have a good time with Dani, but I just don’t feel ready to say goodbye yet.”

  “I had no idea you were so needy.”

  Matt’s mouth fell open with laughter. “Jokes! She has jokes!” He gripped both hands at my waist and pulled me into him, tickling my sides. I screamed with laughter like I never had before. I had never made a sound so happy in my life. I covered my mouth with my hands quickly. It scared me.

  “What?” Matt asked when he let me go.

  I shook my head and spoke through muffled hands. “I’ve never laughed like that before.”

  He took my hands away from my mouth and held them. “Don’t hide it. I like it.” Matt lifted my hands to his lips and kissed both my palms gently. The touch of his lips on my skin was so much more than that rush from earlier. This was like fire. It was the first time he had ever put his lips on me, and it was exhilarating. My breath caught in my throat, almost like a gasp.

  “What?” he whispered.

  I shook my head quickly. “Nothing, I just…” I had to exhale to try and find words. His lips made me speechless. “I liked that.”

  Matt smiled sexily before bringing my palms to his mouth and kissing them both once again, never taking his eyes from mine. My knees were tingling.

  “I liked it too.” He enlaced our fingers one more time, bringing me back to reality. “I guess I’ll see you in the morning?”

  “Same place as always.”

  He smiled like normal and leaned in to hug me. I laid my head on his chest and inhaled his smell.

  “Goodnight, Becka,” he whispered in my ear.

  “Goodnight, Matt.”

  He started walking down the steps to his car, but I got this feeling that I needed to tell him. I couldn’t be scared anymore. I just had to go for it.

  “I like you.”

  It came out louder than I had planned it to, but it was out there for him and me and now the neighborhood to hear.

  He turned around and looked at me with his best smile yet. His cheek lines reached his eyes and his eyes were gleaming under the porch light. It was the happiest I think I’d seen him.

  He came back up the stairs quickly, taking my hands in his. “Really?”

  I nodded quickly. “Yea, I do.”

  “Would you just say it again, so I know I’m not going crazy.”

  I threw my head back and cackled out a laugh. He had the best way of making me do that. “I like you,” I told him again once my laughter subdued. Matt wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me into him, resting his forehead on mine.

  “I like you too.” His breath was light on my face.

  “I’m not sure I want to do anything about it yet.” As much as I did like him, I had to be careful. Trust was still an issue, no matter how much I liked him. “I just wanted you to know.”

  He nodded. “Thank you for telling me. Take as much time as you need.”

  He kissed me lightly on my forehead before backing up and walking to his car. My body was in a trance, unable to move. But I didn’t care. I was floating.

  I managed to walk back into the house but was unable to take the smile off my face.

  I looked over at the kitchen sink and I found my mom staring at me.

  “What?”

  Mom smiled. “Oh, Becka.”

  Eleven

  When I made it back to my room, Dani was right at home, spreading out a massive amount of hair supplies on the floor. If I hadn’t seen her use everything on me once before, I would have been frightened.

  “What are you doing?”

  She looked up at me in shock. “You already said goodbye to him? I thought that would’ve taken you way longer.”

  “I wanted to spend time with you!”

  She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, okay. You were too nervous to make a move on my brother.”

  “I was not!”

  She looked back at me with a smile. “Getting defensive?”

  “Things are easy. And we like easy.”

  “Are you saying you don’t want to kiss my brother?”

  “I’m not saying anything.” I laughed, knowing she was trying to trick me.

  “It’s not really a surprise, Becka. Seeing the two of you on that couch, it was like it was normal.”

  I sat on the floor next to her and put my head on her shoulder. “It felt normal.”

  “Then what are you waiting for?”

  “I’m just scared,” I admitted to her. “I’m scared I’m going to mess it up. Or that this is all a big joke like last time.”

  “Hey!” She scooted away from me and looked at me with a fire in her eyes. “Matt would never do to you what that douche did!”

  “I know!” I felt the need to defend him. “I know he wouldn’t, but I didn’t think it would happen before either. And the whole idea of being hurt again scares the hell out of me.” I knew Matt wasn’t that kind of person, but the people I had let get close to me had let me down. I didn’t want that to happen again.

  “Becka, it’s not like that anymore.” She wrapped her arm around my shoulders. “You are not even close to the same person you were when I met you. You are Becka now, not Becka of Ashleigh and Becka. The only person holding you back is you, not Matt.”

  I sighed. “We’ll see. For now, it’s easy. And I like easy.”

  “Yeah, you mentioned that.” She laughed at me quickly before gasping frantically like she had no air. “Do you know what this is?” I had no idea what she was going to say. “It’s that song!”

  “Wh
at song?”

  “The song!” She connected her phone to my speakers in a rush, scrolling through quickly until she found what she was looking for and it was screaming through my room.

  “It’s the song!”

  It took me a moment, but when I recognized it, I shouted with laughter.

  Miss independent

  Miss self-sufficient

  Miss keep your distance

  Miss unafraid

  Miss out of my way

  Miss don't let a man interfere, no

  Dani and I were strutting and singing around my room, perfectly correlating the song to my life. She was right; it was the song.

  What is the feelin' takin' over?

  Thinkin' no one could open my door

  Surprise, It's time

  To feel what's real

  What happened to Miss Independent?

  No more the need to be defensive

  Goodbye, old you

  When love is true

  We listened to the entire song and I was out of breath by the final line. We collapsed on my bed in laughter.

  “Kelly Clarkson just wrote your life, Becka,” Dani laughed out. “I’m going to play it at your wedding.”

  I barked out a laugh. “You’re insane.”

  “Act like you haven’t thought about it.”

  “I haven’t even thought about kissing him, let alone getting married to him!”

  “Now I know you’re lying because you totally wanted to kiss him downstairs,” she pointed out to me. “No more need to be defensive. Goodbye old you when love is true.”

  “You can’t quote Kelly Clarkson,” I laughed at her. “But I see your point.”

  “It’s about time.”

  “What’s with the hair supplies?”

  “Your pink is fading.” She ran her hands through my hair and found the pink strands with her fingers. “I want to redo it to make it look bright like last time.”

  “I’m glad you notice these things.”

  “That’s what I’m here for.”

  Dani got her supplies set up and got to work on my hair. We spent the evening watching movies in my room and eating popcorn. It wasn’t until it was time to go to sleep that I realized how badly I needed her company.

  “Thanks, Dani, for staying over. I needed this.”

  She hugged me back. “I know you did, but so did I. Matt and James are great and all, but I found you in that bathroom. Our love should be a priority.”

  Eventually, we became dead weight. Dani was already asleep, but I couldn’t manage to do the same. Each time I closed my eyelids all I could see were Matt’s eyes. They were the best brown, darker than most, so intense. But when they looked at me at the same time as his smile, it was captivating. I couldn’t get enough of it.

  Matt was running through my mind when my phone went off under my pillow, taking me out of my trance.

  Matt: I’m sure you are already asleep, but I just wanted to tell you it was great being with you tonight. And that dress you had on today might be my new favorite thing…I’ll see you in the morning. Good night Becka.

  I smothered my face in my pillow to keep Dani from hearing my joyful shrieks, even if they were only a whisper. He made my heart race in the best way. But more importantly, he made me happy. And I really wanted him to know.

  Me: Thank you for making everything so easy. Good night Matt :)

  The next morning, when I made my way to the library, I still couldn’t stop smiling. I had a great time with Dani, and I was more than excited to see Matt again. I knew he was different than other guys. I just didn’t expect to like him so much so quickly.

  “Good morning,” I said to him when I came to the table. He always looked so serious in the morning. But my favorite part was watching his face go from serious to happy. There were no words to describe it.

  “Hey, you.” He smiled at me. “You look well-rested.”

  “I am,” I admitted. “Dani was a great stress reliever.”

  “She has that effect on people.” He smiled as he wrote something down. “What did you guys do?”

  “We just hung out and talked. It was fun.”

  “I’m glad.”

  “How was your night?”

  He shrugged. “Not bad, went home and got some studying done.”

  “How productive of you,” I joked.

  “I’m a real overachiever.” He winked with a smile. “But I got all of the notes done for our history test, so we are set to study for it.” He handed me papers scribbled with pen.

  “My hero.”

  We worked silently for a little bit, just getting the morning started. I couldn’t help but think about everything between us. Things were so easy; it was almost scary how easy. But I didn’t want to be scared. He never gave me a reason to be scared, it was other people that ruined it. It was other people who made me fear falling for someone. But that wasn’t Matt, not even close. So why was I letting other people influence my future?

  “Your crease is back, Becka.” He cut off my spastic thinking. I tried to hide my embarrassment, but it wasn’t working.

  “I don’t think I’m scared,” I admitted. “I’m scared of getting hurt, but I’m not scared of getting hurt by you. Because I don’t think you’d hurt me.”

  He was trying to listen, but the curves of his lips were slowly rising. “Okay.”

  “It’s just still a lot for me. Things are moving quickly.”

  “You know where I stand, I’m not going anywhere.” His face turned confused for a moment. “Did Dani say something last night?”

  “Dani says a lot of things,” I chuckled, but his smile went away, and he shook his head no.

  “See, don’t do that. Don’t focus on what other people think about this.” He reached his hand across the table and enlaced it with mine. “This is about us, not anybody else. That’s what makes this easy, and great.”

  “I’m sorry.” I felt bad for feeling this confused.

  He shook his head again. “There is nothing to be sorry about, Becka. You don’t have to feel guilty with me. I just want you to do things for you, not for anyone else.” He looked down at our hands and wiggled his fingers. “This is what matters. This is…”

  “Easy?”

  “Easy.” He squeezed my hand again and smiled. “Okay?”

  “Okay.” I smiled too, relieved that I didn’t need to worry. Because he was right, there was no point. Worrying about not being scared of being scared was ridiculous and caused complications that weren’t needed or wanted. Matt was Matt. Matt was easy. I wasn’t about to mess that up.

  Track practice was killer. We had two days left until the meet and our relay still needed work. I knew where I needed to be, it was just our handoffs that weren’t solid. The more we practiced the better we got, but one mess up and the girls hated me all over again.

  We took a water break and I walked away frustrated. I tried as hard as I possibly could, but they kept getting pissed at me. I was giving it my all and it wasn’t enough. Once again, I wasn’t enough.

  I took a swig of my water and sat on the track, trying to catch my breath. I didn’t know what to do. I knew I needed to get my handoffs down better, but they couldn’t still be mad at me for everything. It was in the past, and I was really trying to move on, but they wouldn’t let me.

  “You okay?” Alexis came over to me with her water.

  “Yea, I’m good,” I lied.

  She sat down next to me on the track. “Your handoffs need work.”

  “I’m trying!” I snapped. I took a drink of water and took a breath again. “Sorry, I’m just frustrated. I’m doing my best and it’s not good enough.”

  “Did you expect this to be easy and handed to you like everything else?”

  That pissed me off. “What exactly have I had handed to me?”

  “Popularity? Friendship? Life?” Alexis said it like it was stupidly obvious.

  “Are you serious? You were bullied and so was I. I was manipulated and
tortured and ridiculed for years and made to think that I wasn’t and would never be good enough. Popularity is bullshit, the friendship was a lie and my life wasn’t my own. I haven’t been handed anything!” I was fuming. My heart was pounding, and my blood was boiling. I knew Ashleigh caused people trouble, but I got screwed over just as much as anyone.

  Alexis looked down at the ground. “Maybe that wasn’t fair,” she said softly.

  “Look, I’m doing my best, just cut me some slack, please,” I pleaded with her. I understood why they didn’t trust me, but I wasn’t going to take this for much longer.

  Alexis got up from the track and started walking. “Come on.” I got up and followed her over to the other girls. I finally learned their names were Lauren and Emma. We approached them, and Alexis took the lead.

  “Alright, we need to come to an understanding,” she began. “If we are going to win this, we need to get on the same page, all of us.”

  Lauren glared at me. “Her handoffs suck.”

  “Your attitude sucks,” Alexis scolded, “and we aren’t going to get anywhere unless we help her get better.”

  “Why should we?” Emma snapped. “What has she ever done for us?”

  “She is on this team now, so if we want to win, then we do it together. Or if we lose, then we do it together. Becka can’t be the blame for everything.”

  I was shocked. This was more than Alexis had ever done for me.

  “How can you stick up for her?” Lauren spat out. “How can you defend her after all Ashleigh has done?”

  She shook her head. “I’m not standing next to Ashleigh. This is Becka, a different person, and our teammate. So, we either help her get better so we can win, or we all lose. And it wouldn’t be her fault, it would be yours for being so damn stubborn.” Alexis turned to me this time. “I don’t like what you’ve done, but I guarantee you had it worse. And standing up for yourself is more than any of us have ever done. So, if you say you want to be here, then I believe you.”

  “I do. I want this. And I want to win.” I turned to Lauren and Emma this time. “I just need your help.” They kept looking at me, unsure of what to do.