“I’m so sorry.” The whisper from his throat disturbed the silence. “I’m so sorry for what he said to you. For what he said about us.”
“You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about. You did nothing wrong.” I brought his hand to my lips and kissed it firmly. “I’m the one that should be sorry. I pushed you to do the dinner. You knew it wasn’t going to go well, but I made you do it.”
“No, Becka. It’s not your fault.” He looked back at me this time; his face drenched in worry. “You didn’t make me do it, I really wanted it to go well. He was just…him.” I was trying my best not to cry. I hated seeing him in pain. I just wanted to take it away from him. “Can you come here?” “Come here?” I climbed over the center console and sat on his lap. Matt wrapped his arms around me so strongly, just like that night in his room. I knew he needed me.
“I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. I’m sorry he doesn’t get that he needs to be there for you.” I ran my fingers through his hair slowly while I spoke, trying to calm him down. “But I do know how amazing you are. I know that you are strong, smart, funny, and incredible. That’s your dad’s loss if he doesn’t want to be a part of that. His loss, not yours. Okay?” I kissed his forehead gently. I knew he heard me because he squeezed me tighter. “And something else,” I lifted his face so we were eye to eye. “Your mom would be so proud of you.”
He squeezed his eyes shut quickly. I thought maybe to hold back tears, but I didn’t let that stop me from telling him what he needed to know.
“Everything you have done has either been to help someone else or to better your life moving forward. You busted your ass to get into school so you can open your gym and prepare for your future. You know she is looking at you right now so freaking proud of the man you are. Don’t you dare think differently. Don’t you dare.” I hadn’t realized there were tears falling off my face until they landed on Matt’s button-up.
He kissed me so hard our lips could have bruised, but I knew he just needed to be loved, and that was what I was there for. I had been through a lot since I’d met Matt. I had been the vulnerable one from the beginning. But I was realizing that maybe he needed me just as much as I needed him.
“Thank you,” he mumbled between kisses, “for being here with me.”
“I go where you go, remember?” I kissed him again, just wanting to be as close as possible to him. “Are you okay?”
He sighed. “Not really.” He put his head back on the seat, his thoughts racing. “I don’t want to go home and deal with him.” He almost hissed out his words, his arms tightening around me. I didn’t have to see his hands to know what his veins were doing.
I took my phone out of the console and dialed my mom as quickly as I could.
“Hi sweetie, everything okay?” Her voice was so chipper, I didn’t want to freak her out with my question.
“Yeah, I’m fine, just a quick question. Would it be okay if Matt stayed over tonight?”
“So, the dinner didn’t go well?”
“Not exactly.”
“That’s too bad.” She sighed loudly. “He can stay, just be quiet when you come in. I just sent Rhylie to bed. I don’t want her freaking out if she knows he’s here.”
“Thank you, Mom.”
“No problem. I’m heading to bed. I’ll leave the door unlocked. Goodnight, Becka.”
“Night.”
I laid my head on Matt’s chest and listened to his heart settle down. “Will you stay with me tonight?”
His arms grasped me tighter and he kissed the top of my head. “I love you so much.”
“I love you too.”
My sheets seemed to feel better with Matt wrapped up in them with me. It took me a lot longer to find a comfortable spot when I was alone because he was my spot. I laid my back against his chest and his arm found my waist. It was a perfect fit.
The normalcy of our relationship was astounding to me. The way that as soon as we were in my room, it was just like any other night, changing into comfortable clothes, brushing our teeth, and getting the bed ready. It was like we had been doing it for years.
I curled my body into Matt’s, and he held me close, making my heart slow down to his. He was asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. I smiled as I listened to his heavy breathing. My eyes adjusted to the darkness and I was able to make out the veins in his hands. They were finally calm, just like him. I traced each of them with my finger so gently I don’t know he would’ve felt it had he been awake. These hands were my favorite, almost like mood rings.
I could feel myself drifting off when my phone buzzed under the sheets.
Dani: How’s he doing?
Me: He’s okay. Wasn’t for a while but it got better. He’s asleep now.
Dani: Seriously? I didn’t think he would calm down after that.
Me: He was quiet for a long time but he’s okay. He’s not angry, just upset I think.
Dani: Can’t blame him. I’m really sorry about my dad
Me: Don’t be, it’s okay
Dani: No it’s really not. He needs help.
Me: Where are you?
Dani: Home. Dad’s passed out in the car
Me: Gonna let him sleep it off?
Dani: I’m thinking if he wakes up in the car he will know he fucked up
Me: I’m sorry you have to go through this
Dani: Don’t be. Thank you for taking care of Matt. He really needs you.
Me: If he needs me I’m there. And same goes for you too btw. You are still my best friend.
Dani: Bathroom Buddies for life ;)
Me: You and James should come over in the morning and we should surprise Matt with breakfast for getting into school. After tonight he needs something to cheer him up.
Dani: Love it! I’ll text James right now. See you in the morning. Thanks again Becka
I was so grateful for Dani. She was the friend I had always dreamt of having, and I would do anything to keep her.
Me: Just a heads up, Dani is coming in the morning to make breakfast for Matt. A celebration for getting into college.
Mom: Thanks for the warning, I’ll be sure to have my coffee LOL How’s Matt?
Me: He’s asleep. He’s doing better than he was a few hours ago.
Mom: Really bad?
Me: Fighting with his drunk dad in a public place bad
Mom: :( :( :( I’m so sorry sweetie
Me: I just feel bad for him. He just wants his dad to get better and be there for him
Mom: Just make sure you are there for him. That’s all you can do.
Me: I’m trying my best
Mom: I’m proud of you. Get some sleep, I’ll see you in the morning
Me: Goodnight Mom
Seventeen
The sun was shining through my eyelids when I awoke from my deep sleep. My window was left open all night and there was a light breeze coming through, making my curtain do a little dance in the sunlight. I wiped the morning from my face and turned over, surprised to see Matt still fast asleep. It was different seeing him like this. He was always so focused. Seeing his eyelids closed and his abnormally long eyelashes just barely touching his skin made me take him all in. I was remembering the first few times I had met him and how I tried not to notice his jawline. It was almost ruggedly attractive. I didn’t think I would or even could be drawn to someone’s bone structure, but Matt was living proof.
I reached for his face and gently stroked the scruffy beard he was producing. I didn’t know if I liked beards. Did I like beards? I tried to picture him with a beard all the way down to his chest and I laughed. Matt the Lumberjack. He could have a beard one day; I didn’t think I would mind it. But I couldn’t picture it on the Matt sleeping next to me. He would have to be a grown man, not quite as old as his dad, but probably not far behind. He’d have a scruffy beard, little gray hairs sprouting on top of his head, making him look sexier, if possible. It would be hard to see his jawline underneath all the hair, but I’d know it was there.
Woah. Goosebumps invaded my skin. Was I thinking about us long term? Of course, I thought about us going to school together, that wasn’t too far away for it to be impossible. But this? His beard and distinguished look from aging, was this my new future? I traced my fingers on his jawline one more time, thinking about this perfect structure being hidden by facial hair.
I carefully removed myself from my bed and went into the bathroom, wanting to eliminate the morning breath. My hair looked ridiculous. My once-waves were disheveled on one side and flattened on the other. The sleep lines on my face completed my look of exhaustion.
I closed my eyes and brushed my teeth, attempting to stretch my sleepy muscles. I heard nothing but running water throughout the bathroom, so I didn’t hear him come in. He caught my attention by sneaking his arms around my waist and kissing my shoulder softly.
“Good morning, sleepy.” My words sounded funny with a mouthful of toothpaste.
“Good morning to you too.” Matt’s gravelly voice opened with a mumble. “I woke up and you were gone.”
I spit into the sink. “I didn’t want to assault you with my dragon breath.”
He laughed into my neck heartily. “Well, thank God for that.”
I rinsed my mouth before turning into his arms, his body still warm from the blankets. I stood on my tiptoes and kissed his prickly chin. “Come back to bed with me?” I asked.
He nodded, that secret smirk coming out. “Let me clear out my dragon breath.”
I raced back to my room and curled up in the blankets, feeling the warmth of where Matt’s body had been. What was left of his cologne had rubbed off on the sheets and I was enveloped in it. His smell was like heaven.
Matt came back from the bathroom and dove right back into the sheets, making the bed creak and me laugh. He wrapped his arms around my body and pulled me close, keeping us chest to chest. His lips were too close, I couldn’t help myself. I grabbed ahold of his scruffy chin and kissed him, making him smile. He snuck his hands up the back of my shirt and let his fingers dance on my skin.
“Hi,” he said once I finished kissing him.
“Hi.”
“How did you sleep?”
I smiled. “Really good. I always sleep good when you’re here.”
“I passed out last night,” he laughed. “I don’t remember falling asleep.”
“We turned the light out and you were done.”
“I’m sorry.”
I rolled my eyes. “You don’t have to be sorry for being tired. It was an…exhausting night.”
His eyes shifted from happy to sad. I knew he was thinking about his dad. “I know. I’m sorry again about the dinner. I know you wanted it to go well.”
“We all wanted it to go well, but it wasn’t your fault, Matt. You have no reason to be sorry. Not with me or with anyone.” I held onto his face tightly to let him know I was there for him.
He kissed me sweetly. “You looked so pretty last night, by the way.”
I couldn’t help but grin. I was still getting used to all the compliments, but I wasn’t hating them either. “Thank you.”
“Like for real. It took my breath away. Especially that lipstick.”
The tingles were back. “I thought you might like it.”
He nodded slowly with a smile. “I absolutely did.” His hand crept out from my shirt and found my lips. His thumb started tracing my lower lip very slowly. I did this to him all the time, I had no idea how taunting it was.
“Matt,” I moaned, not even trying to hide it.
“Yea?”
“Kiss me, please.”
“Where?” His devilish smile appeared at just the perfect time. “Tell me where you want me to kiss you.”
I pointed to my lips, watching his eyes follow my finger. He grasped his hands on my lower back before kissing me just the way I liked.
“Now where?” he whispered, his tongue playing with my bottom lip. This time I pointed to the crook of my neck, which we both knew was like kryptonite for me.
“There?” he asked quietly on my lips, his breath on my breath. “Are you sure?” I nodded my head, desperately wanting to feel his lips on me again. “Tell me.”
“Please, Matt?” I ran my hands through his hair and tugged on it, causing him to inhale deeply. “Please, kiss me.”
His lips found the crook in my neck and I about lost my mind. I couldn’t help myself; I wrapped my legs around his hips and brought him closer, wanting him to know just how much I wanted him. He traced his tongue from the crook of my neck up to my jaw and back down again. I couldn’t control it, I moaned out his name.
His breathtaking smile came into view. “God, I love it when you moan for me.” He leaned back down and kissed my neck more aggressively, leaving teeth marks on my skin.
“Matt,” I said breathlessly as he kissed his way down my body. I was scratching at the skin on his back, wanting so much more. He came back to my face and met his eyes to mine. They were intense, full of desire and lust.
“What do you want, Becks?” He spoke on my lips again, never letting me kiss him completely.
“Matt,” I moaned out again, biting my lip in frustration.
“Tell me.” He put his lips just close enough that I could feel them but kept pulling away right as they were mine. “Tell me what you want.”
His lips were right on top of mine, so close I could taste them.
“I want you.”
I was flipped onto my back with one of Matt’s hands in my hair and the other holding his balance from crushing me. He already wasn’t wearing a shirt, so half the battle was already won. He wasted no time ripping my tank top off and I wasn’t in any place to stop him. It was like we were hungry for each other and nothing could get in our way. We took about a ten-second break to locate protection and not a lot stopped after that.
We stood under the cool water, letting the soap descend slowly into the drain with smiles on our faces. Even with water pouring over us, I still found his lips and kissed him gently, Matt reciprocating just the same.
We ended our shower and he wrapped me in a towel, snuggling me in his arms.
“I know that it’s difficult for you to open up sometimes, but I just wanted to thank you for letting me take care of you.” I let out my words softly, trying to savor the moment.
He kissed my wet hair. “I go where you go.”
“But just so you know, if you had wanted to be alone, I wouldn’t have been upset. We have our own ways of processing things; I’ll be okay if you need to be alone.”
He shook his head, almost vigorously. “It’s not that I think I have to go with you, I want to. Becka…” He held my face in his hands, forcing my eyes on him. “Being with you is like breathing. I need it, especially when shit goes bad and I can’t breathe. It’s not forced. I don’t think I have to come to you. I want to. I promise.” His lips brushed against mine lightly but with so much love. “I love you, Becks.”
“I love you too.”
Matt changed into the clothes we picked up from his house last night. While he did that, I saw I had a new message.
Dani: Wake up and come get some pancakes!
The message was sent five minutes ago, so we were still on time for the surprise. I hurried and threw on a pair of shorts and a cut off t-shirt.
Me: We will be down in a minute
He slid his shirt over his body and looked back at me curiously. “So, what are we doing today?”
I tried my best to play it cool, but I was excited. “I need coffee. Breakfast?”
“You read my mind.” He opened the door for me, escorting me out. I wasn’t sure how everything was going to look, but I was so excited. I was just hoping for the best, Matt deserved far more than that.
We got halfway down the stairs before the kitchen erupted.
“CONGRATULATIONS!”
Mom, Rhylie, Ryan, Dani, and James were standing together, Dani holding a plate stacked with pancakes and lit candles on the top. Rhylie was hold
ing a sign she clearly made herself that read ‘Go Matt!’ in big green letters.
I turned around and Matt’s eyes were the size of golf balls. His jaw had hit the floor. I took his hand and walked him down the remainder of the stairs. When his jaw lifted, it was for sure a smile. And his smile got bigger when our people broke out in song, the remix of happy birthday, college acceptance addition.
“Congratulations to you, congratulations to you, congratulations to Matt, congratulations to you!”
We stood in front of the candlelit pancakes and Matt was in shock.
“What is going on?” Matt asked, making us laugh.
“It’s a celebration!” Rhylie hollered. “Because you got into college!”
“Make a wish!” Dani yelled.
“A wish for what?” James asked, clearly skeptical of her ways. “It’s not his birthday.”
She rolled her eyes. “A wish for the future.”
Matt’s eyes met mine first, and then they were shut tight, ready to make his wish.
Mom took the stack of pancakes to the table, leaving Matt to look at me in wonder. “Did you do this?” I nodded quickly, so happy that it worked out the way it did. His smile was energetic. I knew he wanted to kiss me, but my brother interrupted.
“Hey man, congratulations.” Ryan reached out his hand and shook Matt’s strongly.
“Thanks, a lot.” Ryan smiled politely and went to the table.
“Matt!” Rhylie screamed and jumped into his arms. “Did you see my sign?” She held it up over her head. “I made it this morning!”
“It’s great Rhylie, I love it.”
“You can keep it if you want.” She did her shy smile again. I loved that smile and I hated it. She was shy because of fear that someone might not like it, and how could anyone not like this girl?
“Of course, I’m going to keep it! This is the best sign ever!” Now Rhylie’s smile was the size of Matt’s. “Thank you.”
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