“Your welcome!” She hugged him tightly before jumping down and running away.
“Let’s eat!” Dani announced.
The kitchen table was packed with pancakes, eggs, bacon, sausage, toast, donuts, and juice. They went all out for him.
“You guys,” Matt was still in shock. “You didn’t have to do this.”
“We absolutely did.” Mom put a stack of plates on the table before enveloping my man in a mama bear hug. “I am so proud of you, Matt. So proud of you.”
“Thank you, Maggie.” I could see the love and gratitude written all over his face. “Thank you for all of this.”
“Anytime.” She patted his back before breaking the hug. “Now eat up, we have way too much food.”
I went to sit down but Matt pulled me back.
“You did this for me?”
I nodded with a smile. “I know how hard you worked, and I’m so proud of you. We all are.” He reached for my face and kissed me firmly like he meant it with everything he had.
“BOO!” The angry mob of table guests did not appreciate our love and a piece of toast was flung in our direction. “Booooo!”
It looked like the end of a rush at a restaurant when we were done with breakfast. There was not a full plate in sight. The three boys ate like they hadn’t eaten in years, and I was ravenous myself. With our dinner cut short the night before, I only had a few bites of my salad before we called it. By the end of breakfast, there was not a strip of bacon to be found.
We collapsed on the couches, ready to accept the fate of our food comas. I was sufficiently full and ready to take on the day. Rhylie turned on cartoons that we were all mindlessly watching. Matt and I were curled together on the love seat, breathing in sync with each other, full on pancakes and love.
“Thank you so much for this, Becks,” Matt whispered in my ear.
“Of course.” I squeezed his arms around me tighter.
“No, for real…no one has ever cared about me like you do.”
His words hit me hard, they were so real. I needed to try to match it. “I’ve never cared about anyone like I care about you.” He kissed my cheek softly, letting his lips linger on my skin. “Can I ask you something?”
“Again?” he laughed. “Yes, of course.”
“Will you tell me about your mom?”
I felt him take a deep breath. “What do you want to know?”
“Anything you want to tell me.”
He pulled me closer to him on the couch. I nestled my body against him and listened to his heartbeat. He smoothed down my hair, kissed the top of it, and talked to me. “I remember her laugh more than anything. She had a contagious laugh, louder than anything in the room…She always tried to make things fun, no matter what it was: laundry, dishes, vacuuming, shopping. She made everything worth doing.” He stroked up and down my arm as he recalled his memories. “There was this one time we had all this cleaning to do around the house, and she made it a race. We would compete against each other, who could wash the dishes the fastest and who could fold the laundry the fastest, stuff like that. The winner got to pick the pizza toppings.” I could feel his smile radiating as he thought of his family. “She always made it fun, no matter what it was.”
I unwrapped his arm from my body and gently placed my lips on his palm.
“I hate that she can’t meet you.” He spoke so softly I almost didn’t hear him. “She would’ve loved you. She would’ve loved to talk with you about life and your plans. I know that she would agree without a doubt that you are perfect for me.”
He took my breath away. “Is that what you think?”
“That is what I’ve thought since you cut your hair.” I kissed him sweetly, wanting him to feel all the love I had for him.
I felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, but he didn’t seem to notice.
“Your phone,” I tapped his pocket.
When he saw the screen, that light from his eyes went away again. I looked over and saw ‘Dad’. My light went out too.
“I’ll be right back.”
“Are you sure?” Even I was hesitant for him to answer.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine.” He headed toward the dining room, looking for privacy.
Five minutes went by and he hadn’t returned. It was making me nervous. I wanted to give him his space to handle his dad, but I wanted to make sure he was okay. It was conflicting. I sat up on the couch and bounced my leg, hoping he would come back at any moment, but no luck. It was making my hands sweaty. I dried them on the cushion as best I could, but they still felt clammy. A feeling rushed over me. I couldn’t describe it, but I knew I was supposed to be there with him.
“Hey.” I looked up and Dani was making eyes at me. “He’s okay,” she whispered and nodded toward the dining room.
I shook my head. “Something’s wrong.”
I stood in the doorway of the dining room and found him hunched over the table, his phone still to his ear. He looked okay, but he was off, I could feel it.
I pulled out a chair and sat as close to him as I could. I hugged his arm into my chest and squeezed, letting him know I was there for him. He took his phone away from his ear and put it on speaker, inviting me into the conversation.
“And you know, it’s just something I have to deal with. And I’m working on it, you get that, right?” Michael’s voice came through the phone.
“Yeah, I get it,” Matt wiped over his face aggressively with irritation.
“Alright, we good?”
His eyes were closed so tight it pained me. “Yeah, it’s all good.”
“Great, well I’ll see you and Dani later.” And Michael was gone.
Matt tossed his phone on the table and put his face in his hands. I knew he was struggling with this, I just wanted to help.
“Why can’t he just get it?” Matt forced out. “Why can’t he see what this is doing to us and stop it?” I rubbed his back gently, trying to calm him. “He can’t just call the day after he fucks everything up and expect it to be okay. He gets to be all calm and say, ‘you know I didn’t mean it, I was drunk’, like that makes it alright. I’m so sick of this shit.”
“Have you ever told him this?” I asked, trying to cut into his spiral.
He shook his head. “He wouldn’t get it. He never gets it.”
“Maybe you should tell him.”
“I’ve tried, Becka.”
He was shutting down. I wasn’t trying to badger; I just wanted the best for him.
“I can’t imagine how you are feeling. I want it to stop because I hate seeing you like this. I hate it so much. And I hate that anyone could make you feel this way. But he won’t know what you are thinking unless you tell him.”
He hung his head low and let his chin hit his chest. I knew he heard me this time.
“I know,” he mumbled his words. “I let things go too easily.”
“I wouldn’t say that. I think it’s just easier to forgive than to fight.”
I reached across the table and grabbed his phone, trying to hand it back to him. “I’m not trying to push you, or force you into anything, but I think the only way your dad is ever going to get it is if you tell him.”
It took him a few minutes, but he took his phone from my hands and called his dad back. I got up to leave, assuming he needed to do this alone.
“Where are you going?” he asked quickly.
“Giving you privacy.”
He shook his head no and pulled me back down to my chair. “I need no privacy from you.” His lips gently pressed to the side of my face when a voice came from the phone.
“Hello?”
Matt exhaled deeply and began. “Hey, dad.”
“What’s up?”
“What do you remember from last night?”
Michael sighed loudly. “Come on, Matt, we already talked about this.”
“Just answer me, please.”
There was a long pause, I wasn’t sure Michael was still on the phone. “Not much.”
“Do you remember asking about Becka’s family or the sports she plays?
“Yes, she has a brother.” He answered like he was insulted Matt would even ask.
“She has a brother and a sister. He is nineteen and she is seven, she told you this.” Silence. “What about insulting our relationship? Saying it was a waste of time? Do you remember that?”
Another pause. “No.”
Matt was getting mad, unsure of how to react. I grasped his hand as tightly as I could, wanting him to know he wasn’t alone.
“I guess you don’t remember the news I had then?”
“News? What news?”
“So that’s a no?” Matt was pissed, veins coming out everywhere.
“Matt, what news?”
“I got into college.”
“Holy crap! Matt! That’s great!” Dad of the year came through the speaker.
“Then why couldn’t you be happy for me yesterday?”
He sighed loudly. “I’m sorry, Matt.”
“Sorry doesn’t cover making my girlfriend feel bad and ruining my news. And it definitely doesn’t cover bringing up Mom the way you did.” A tear was fighting its way out of Matt’s eye.
Nothing but silence. I knew Michael was in shock, hearing his own actions in playback mode.
“Why are you telling me this?” he asked so plainly.
“Because you act like you are the only one that lost her.”
A loud sniffle came through the phone. “I just miss her, Matt. I miss her so much.”
“I miss her too, I was ten. But you don’t see me tearing down everyone else because of it.” He wiped away a tear this time. “I get that it’s hard, and I get that you miss her. But I’m moving away to college because I can’t deal with you anymore. Do you get that?”
Another couple sniffles hit the speaker. “Yea, I get that.”
Matt took a few breaths to catch himself up. “I need you to get better, Dad. I need you to stop this shit and get better.”
“Okay.”
“Alright then. That’s all I wanted to say.”
“Will I see you later?”
I shook my head aggressively. Matt was staying with me, whether he knew it or not.
“No, I’m staying at Becka’s.”
“Okay.” A final pause. “I’m really sorry, Matt.”
“Okay.”
“I love you.”
“You too, Dad.”
The call was over, but Matt didn’t move.
“I’m proud of you.” I kissed his hand once again, hoping he knew I meant it.
“I just hope he heard me.”
Midterms were upon us and my brain was stretched to capacity. Each teacher gave out study guides for the midterms, including everything that “could” be on the test. Matt and I had spent every waking moment studying lately. Better grades meant a better chance at college, which was the goal. Before school, after school and weekends, it didn’t matter. If he wasn’t working, we were studying together. It was the last week before the tests and then hello Christmas break. I just had to make it one more week.
I tried to keep my stress to myself. I knew Matt would understand and be there for me, but it always followed up with his confidence on my acceptance to Barnett. I appreciated his confidence in me, but it just made me anxious and frustrated. I didn’t want to let him down, or myself. I didn’t want all his eggs in my basket when I wasn’t sure I was even going to get a basket.
Trying to focus on school had taken up a lot of my time, and Rhylie was feeling neglected. I didn’t have a lot of time to play with her, studying was my top priority and Rhylie took it the hardest.
After school, I was set up at the kitchen table with all my books and highlighters galore. Rhylie came bounding down the stairs in her snow gear, pulling a wool hat over her head.
“Becka! Let’s go play outside!” Her smile was already thriving, just wanting to be outside in the fresh snow.
“I can’t right now, Bug. I’m sorry.”
Her smile fell quicker than the snow. “Why not?”
“Because I’ve got a lot of tests coming up that are really hard, so I have to study so I get good grades.”
“But can’t you do it later?” She was whining, unusual for Rhylie. “We can play for just a little while.”
“Bug, I can’t right now.” I felt bad for letting her down, but I had to focus. “We can play this weekend.”
“Becka!” She whined louder and it caught me by surprise. This wasn’t like her at all.
“Rhylie, what are you doing?”
“Why won’t you play with me anymore?” Her sad little eyes met mine, trying to pull at my heartstrings.
“I’m just busy lately, that’s all. I’ll play with you as soon as I can.”
“You still play with Matt!” she yelled. “Why do you play with him and not me?”
“I do this when I’m with Matt too. We study together.”
“It’s not fair!” She stomped her foot. I couldn’t believe how she was behaving. This was unprecedented. Rhylie was little, but she always handled things well, better than you would expect for a seven-year-old. This wasn’t my Rhylie.
“What’s going on?” Mom came out of her studio, hands covered in clay.
“Becka won’t play with me anymore!” Rhylie hollered again, startling Mom.
“Rhylie, I have to study,” I said sternly this time, hoping she would hear me and knock it off. She did not. She stormed back up the stairs and slammed her door shut.
“What is going on with her?” I asked Mom, hoping she had some answer I didn’t know about.
“What do you think? She misses you.”
“I’m here all the time.”
She shook her head the way only moms can. “But you don’t spend time with her like you used to. You always made time for her, no matter what was going on. Now you only spend time with Matt or your homework.”
“Why is spending time studying a bad thing? I’m trying to get into school, you know that.” My heart was beating quickly again. I was getting defensive and I thought I had every reason to. “And Matt is helping me study, so what does it matter?"
“I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, I’m saying that your sister misses you and it would be nice if you made more of an effort. Especially since if you get accepted, you won’t see her at all.” I put my hands over my face in frustration. I knew I wasn’t spending a lot of time with Rhylie, but didn’t anyone understand why? “Just think about her too, Becka.” Mom took her clay-covered hands back into her studio and left me alone.
My heart was beating too quickly for my liking, I was trying to calm down, but my breathing wouldn’t let me. It had been a while since I’d felt this way, but it was back, and I knew I needed to change my scenery.
I went to my room and packed my bag for Matt’s. I wasn’t planning on going over there for a while, but I just needed to be with my people. I felt bad about Rhylie, but it wasn’t fair that I had to worry about this while worrying about everything else. I left a note for Mom on the table and got in my car. I just wanted to see Matt.
I checked the mailbox before I left, and inside was a thick envelope addressed to me. I stared back at it in my hands, trembling with nerves. I knew what it was, but I couldn’t concentrate on that right now, I just wanted to see Matt. I stuffed the envelope in my bag and tried to forget I even had it.
Matt was surprised to see me so early, but not disappointed in the slightest. We studied together on the couch for a while, which turned into pure snuggles. He didn’t ask what was wrong, he just laid there with me, and it was everything I needed.
Dani made her appearance shortly and then so did James. The pizza was delivered, and our movie night began just like always. I lived for this consistency. I longed for my Friday nights.
It wasn’t long before James and Dani both passed out, letting Matt and me sneak upstairs. I simply wanted to lay with him and let things feel okay. Matt stripped down to his boxers and dresse
d me in a shirt from his dresser, encasing me in the sweet smell of him. We brushed our teeth and turned out the lights, making our way to each other as quickly as possible. His arms wrapped around my body and I laid my head on his naked chest. His heartbeat was centering me so fast, I felt at home.
“I’m really happy you’re here, but I know something is wrong.” He kissed the top of my head before he continued in a whisper. “You don’t have to tell me, but I hope you know you can tell me anything.”
I nodded my head against his chest. “I know.” My mind was all over the place. I wanted to talk, and then I didn’t. “I’m just…exhausted. With everything.”
“What’s everything?”
“Rhylie is mad at me, says I don’t play with her anymore. Mom said I don’t spend enough time with her. But it’s not like I’m doing it because I want to. I’m studying. I’m trying to get accepted into schools, and it’s like I’m the only one there that gets it.”
“I’m sorry,” he mumbled through my hair.
“I’m doing the best I can. And I might not even get in. This could all be for nothing.”
“Hey, don’t do that.” He tilted my head up to face him, smoothing down my hair. “Don’t get all negative about it. You are doing the best you can, and it is going to pay off. Me and you at Barnett. This is all going to work itself out.”
I appreciated his optimism, but it wasn’t helping. I needed him to see that it might not happen. I couldn’t have him get his hopes up just to let them down. That would kill me worse than not getting in at all.
“Rhylie will forgive you. She’s just used to having you all to herself, this is new to her. Once you tell her you have to go away to school, and she gets it, she will be okay.”
“I hope so.” I didn’t know what else to say. He wasn’t getting it, or maybe I wasn’t explaining it well enough. I didn’t want to kill his hope, but I just needed him to understand that not everything is always as easy as me and him.
I woke up early with a smile, soaking in the comfort of Matt’s sheets. I rolled over to enjoy it with him, but his side was empty. Last time he left me alone he left a note, but all I found was Rocky snoozing away at the end of the bed. I listened carefully to see if the shower was running, but nothing. Silence.
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