I Go Where You Go

by Jaelyn Hardin

  “But it has to do with those kids up there.”

  There was silence for a moment, tension in the air. I wrapped myself around Matt’s arm and leaned my head on his shoulder. I knew he was having a hard time, I just needed to be there.

  “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” Michael muttered, almost out of earshot. “I don’t know how to do this without her.”

  Though we couldn’t see it, I imagined Nicole pulling up a chair next to him and taking his hand in hers. “You’ve been doing this without her for almost eight years, Michael. You can do this.”

  “I just don’t want to.” The last thing I thought I would hear from below was crying, but the sobs of a grown man echoed through the house. “I miss her so much.”

  “I know, I miss her too,” Nicole admitted. “But you have two kids up there who need you. They need a parent more than ever.”

  “I know,” he answered.

  “Your kids are about to graduate. Dani will have her cosmetology license soon and Matt is going off to college. Do you really want them to go off with their lives with you like this, leaving you behind?” Michael didn’t say anything, he just let Nicole go on. “Your son is madly in love, and you are letting it pass you by.”

  “Natalie would hate me if she could see me like this.”

  Nicole sighed. “She wouldn’t hate you. But she would beg you to get your shit together for those kids. You’ve got one shot at being a parent. Don’t do it like this.”

  I’m not sure who went where, but the house was quiet once again. Matt was like a statue, unable to move himself from the doorframe. I quietly closed the door, needing this to be done.

  “Come on,” I tried to pull him from the floor with me, but he withstood. “Let’s go back to bed.”

  He said no. “It’s okay, you go.”

  There was no way I was going to sleep in his bed with him like this, on the floor no less. I got up and pulled the comforter from the bed. I laid the blanket over the both of us and curled up next to him, putting my head in his lap.

  “Becka, you don’t have to sleep on the floor.”

  “I go where you go.” I curled up close to him and matched our breathing, trying to help him relax. Eventually, he started rubbing my back slowly. He wasn’t okay, but I knew he was going to be.

  I woke up confused again, not remembering why I was on the floor. But when I peeked above my head and found a sleeping Matt, eyes shut tight, almost forced, I remembered everything. I wanted so badly to take his pain away. All the hurt and discomfort he felt about his mom and his dad’s behavior and just everything, I would’ve done anything to take it from him. He had such a big heart but got the short end of the life stick sometimes. I curled my body against his and gave him all the love I could. I would stay there for as long as he needed me to. Where he went was the only place I wanted to be.

  Once we were awake, I knew he wasn’t okay. He wasn’t necessarily upset, but his brain was going a mile a minute. He would talk, but he wasn’t fully engaged. I knew he just needed time to think. I didn’t badger or ask questions; I just went on with our morning and let it be.

  I left early, saying goodbye to Aunt Nicole and letting the Murphy’s have a morning together. I wasn’t sure if he was going to talk about last night’s festivities with anyone, but if he was, Nicole would be the person. I said my goodbyes, gave him the kiss I knew he needed and was on my way. He would come find me when he was ready, he always did.

  When I got home, Rhylie was already waiting for me, perched up on the couch like a dog in a window.

  “Becka’s home!” She hollered when I popped the door open a crack.

  “Hey, Bug.” I put my stuff down and opened my arms for the hug. “What’s up?”

  “Can you hang out with me today?” Her eyes were wide with wonder. “Please, please, please?”

  I nodded, still sleepy from the night before. “Yea, we can hang out.”

  She thrust her fist in the air. “Yes!” It was going to be a good day.

  After I showered and threw on Matt’s sweater and some sweatpants, Rhylie was spread out in the living room with an enormous number of movies surrounding her.

  “Can we watch movies today?” She looked out the window. “It’s too gloomy to play outside.”

  Even better. “That sounds great. And if you want, I can paint your nails.”

  “Really?” she squealed. She asked me to do it all the time, but it didn’t happen as often as it should. “Fingers and toes?”

  I nodded. “Whatever you want.”

  It was Disney movie galore in our house, the scent of alcohol from the polish wafting through the air. Of course, Rhylie wanted a different color on every single nail, but I didn’t complain. It was great to hang out with her, and anything to keep Matt’s upset face off my mind.

  “Where’s Matt?” Rhylie asked while I painted.

  “He’s at home today, spending time with his aunt.”

  Her face turned quizzical like she was deep in thought. “Becka, do Matt and Dani have a mom?”

  I stuttered with the polish, smudging some on her skin. I wasn’t sure how to respond. Rhylie knew about death from when our grandmother died a few years back. She understood the concept as much as a seven-year-old could, but it didn’t make it any easier to talk about.

  “They used to. But not anymore.”

  “Why not?” The curiousness on her face was so honest.

  “She got sick when Matt and Dani were little, and she passed away.” I tried to put it as lightly as I could. This was Mom’s element to be in, not mine.

  “That’s sad.” She looked down at her tiny hands looking lost in thought again.

  “What are you thinking about?”

  “Why don’t we have a dad?” Her curious eyes were both wondering and saddened. I knew she asked Mom before, but this was new territory for me.

  “Because we don’t need one,” I answered.

  “All we need is us, right?” she mimicked Mom’s answer word for word.

  “Exactly. Me, you, Ryan, and Mom. That’s it.”

  We laid on the couch together, Rhylie spreading her fingers and toes out crazily, super worried she was going to ruin all her pretty colors. I was periodically checking my phone for any sign of life, whether it be my significant other or his sister, but nothing yet.

  Out of nowhere, my doorbell went off, alarming both Rhylie and me.

  “Is that Matt?” she squealed, her smile already enlarging.

  “I don’t know,” but man did I hope so.

  When I opened the door, I did not find either my boyfriend or my best friend. But I did find a hysterical Madison.

  “Madison?”

  She wrapped her arms around my neck and hugged me tightly, almost knocking me to the floor. She was crying so hard, as well as dry heaving. I couldn’t understand anything she was saying.

  “Madison, what is going on?”

  She was trying to say something, but it still wasn’t coming out clear. I racked my brain with what she could be saying and then I heard it.

  “I told him,” she wailed. This was not good.

  “Come on,” I closed the door behind her and pushed her frantic body toward the stairs. “Rhylie, I’ll be right back.”

  Once I got her upstairs, she didn’t even make it to the bed. She collapsed her body onto the floor and cried. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do, so I did the first thing that came to mind. I sat down on the floor with her, holding her in my arms, and I let her cry.

  She cried for a long time. Moments when I thought she was done and we could talk, the tears gained a second coming and it started all over again. I could only assume what had happened, and it wasn’t looking good.

  “Madison,” I tried to calm her. “Madison, you have got to calm down.”

  She sat up from me and pushed her hair out of her face, letting me see what a blotchy mess she was. “I know, I know.”

  “Just take some deep breaths.” I rubbed her b
ack softly, still new to this whole consoling thing. She did eventually stop crying, her face just staring off into the distance, almost like she was numb. “What happened?”

  She sniffled loudly and brought her knees to her chest, hugging them tightly.

  “I went to his house this morning. His parents were at church, so it was just us.” I tried not to focus on the irony of Aiden’s parents attending church, but it was hard. “I asked if I could come over, so I could tell him. He thought I just wanted sex, so we were in his room, making out, and I pulled away. I told him I needed to talk to him.” She pulled her hands to her face and drew in a jagged breath. “I told him that I’m pregnant, and he was mad. He was so mad.” She tucked her hair behind her ears again, straining to find the courage to talk about it. “He asked me how long I’d known, I told him I just found out. I didn’t want to tell him I’d been hiding it from him.” I understood that. Aiden wasn’t the most understanding person. “Then,” the sniffles came back rougher than before. “Then he asked me if it was even his,” Madison rested her head on her knees, crying all over again, and I couldn’t blame her. She spoke through her sobs. “He said there was no way it could be his, said I was a slut when he met me.”

  Damn him. I wrapped my arms around her cocooned body as tight as I could. I could only imagine that hearing those words was nearly just as close as hearing you were a bet.

  “I tried to tell him it was his, that he is the only person I’d been with since we got together. But he didn’t want to hear it.” She wiped a pile of snot onto the sleeve of her coat. “I asked him if we could just talk about it. He said there’s nothing to talk about, just get rid of it.” Her swollen eyes looked back at me this time. “He didn’t care that this is his baby or a baby at all. He just wants me to get an abortion.”

  “I’m sorry, Madison.” Her pain was radiating off her so strongly I could feel it myself.

  “I mean, I didn’t think he’d be happy about it. But I didn’t think he would accuse me of cheating on him and call me a slut. I thought we could at least talk about it, you know. Talk about options and what to do. I didn’t think he would just tell me to get rid of it.” Her forehead touched her knees once more which caused the release of new tears.

  We sat like that for a while, holding onto each other and crying. Her life was changing so drastically, I couldn’t even imagine what she was feeling. The baby was one thing, but dealing with Aiden and his bullshit was something else.

  I felt my phone vibrate through the pocket of my sweater repeatedly, getting both calls and texts. I didn’t dare check it. Madison needed someone to talk to, and by some chance it was me.

  “What do I do now, Becka?” she whispered; her voice hoarse from the crying. “What am I supposed to do?”

  “My opinion? You need to talk to your mom.”

  Her eyes shot up like I was insane. “Are you crazy? I can’t tell my mom!”

  “Madison, you need to see a doctor. You need to know how far along you are and you need to make sure the baby is okay, right?”

  She nodded her head slowly. “Right.”

  “I’m not stupid, I know your mom is going to be pissed. Beyond pissed. But you can’t figure out what you are going to do without her.” She nodded slowly once again. “I can’t imagine what you must be going through, or how scared you must feel, but she will help you. You know she will.” Madison’s parents weren’t necessarily strict, but they cared. Her mom might be mad, but she wouldn’t leave her out on her own.

  “I know, you’re right.” She wiped away her tears with her sleeve and took a massively deep breath. “Thank you, Becka.”

  “You don’t have to thank me.”

  “Yes, I do.” Her eyes were deadly serious. “I treated you like shit, for a long time. I did some shit to you for no real reason besides Ashleigh told me to, and that’s shitty.”

  “I get it, I used to do it too, remember?”

  “But you moved on and stopped. I never did. I don’t deserve your help, I never did. But here you are helping me with the biggest shit storm of my life. Seriously, thank you.” In an unprecedented Madison move, she squeezed me so tightly in a hug, it would’ve given Dani a run for her money.

  Madison and I sat in my room and talked for a while. She needed time to come down from her morning before she went home and talked to her parents. It had been a long time since we just sat and talked. Even when we were true friends, we didn’t do this. But it wasn’t bad. It was nicer than I thought it would be.

  We made our way back downstairs once her mind was a lot clearer compared to when she arrived. I was glad she was better, but selfishly, I was dying to check my phone. It had gone off repeatedly during our talk and I was itching to check. I scanned my notifications as I came down the stairs, tears nearly in my eyes already.

  Matt: Hey Becks :)

  Matt: Everything okay? I hope you aren’t mad at me

  MISSED CALL: MATT

  Matt: I’m sorry if I was short this morning. Please talk to me baby…

  MISSED CALL: MATT

  MISSED CALL: MATT

  My heart was aching for him. I was the furthest thing from upset, I was just busy.

  I opened a new message to reply to him, but I didn’t get the chance when the doorbell went off again. This time I knew.

  I opened the door and the look on his face just about made me cry.

  “Hi,” he whispered. The usual intensity in his eyes was gone, replaced with worry and fear. “Can I come in?”

  I shook my head no. “Come here.” Before he could even process, I wrapped my arms around his neck and jumped in his arms. He held me with such strength, I knew he was scared but he had no reason to be.

  “I’m sorry,” he mumbled in my ear, full of emotion. “I’m so sorry.”

  I tried my best to shake my head. “Stop it, it’s not like that.”

  “I should’ve talked to you this morning.” He wouldn’t stop.

  “No, Matt, stop.” I took my head off his chest and covered his mouth with my hand. “Stop it.”

  “Matt!” Rhylie hollered once again, her smile genuine. She ran up behind me and waited for us to unravel.

  “Hey, Rhylie.” He smiled at her, but it wasn’t as real as it usually is. His cheeks went up, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

  “Are you okay?” She looked at him with worry, just like when she asked about his mom.

  He nodded at her. “I’m okay, I just really missed Becka.” He looked back at me, practically touching my heart.

  “Can he come watch movies with us, Becka? I think that might make him feel better.”

  I smiled greatly. “I think so too.”

  I took his hand in mine and brought him to the living room. His eyebrows crinkled together with uncertainty when he saw Madison on the couch. Though at this point she wasn’t sitting anymore. She was putting her jacket back on.

  “Hey, Madison,” Matt said politely.

  “Hey,” she waved. “I think I’m gonna head home.” She looked back at me, telling me all I needed to know.

  “Are you sure?” I asked. “You can stay here until you’re ready to go.”

  She declined. “It’s now or never, right?” She walked past us and to the door. But before she opened it, she turned around and met my eyes. “Thank you, Becka. For everything.”

  “Text me if you need anything.” She closed the door behind her.

  Matt was looking back at me, half sad and half confused. I knew we needed to talk. He was going to drive himself insane with his thoughts if we didn’t.

  “Bug, why don’t you pick out a movie you think Matt would like, okay? I’m just going to talk to him in the kitchen.” I kept his hand in mine and brought him to the table, sitting closely with our knees touching.

  “Hi,” I whispered.

  “Hi.” He rubbed my knuckles with his thumbs, making my skin tingle. “I’m very confused about what is going on.”

  “I came home and have been hanging out with Rhylie all d
ay, and then Madison showed up a mess. She cried for an hour straight.”

  “She told Aiden?”

  “He accused her of cheating, saying it couldn’t be his but to just get rid of it.”

  Matt closed his eyes tightly, shaking his head. “He’s a dick.”

  “She was a mess. I was trying my best to talk to her and calm her down.”

  “That’s why you didn’t call me back,” he hung his head in embarrassment.

  “I felt my phone go off in my pocket, but she was finally talking, and I didn’t want to be rude and answer my phone. I’m sorry I kept you waiting for so long, I’m sorry I made you worry.” I lifted his head to look back at me. “I’m not mad, I’m not upset, I’m not anything. I’m just happy to see you.”

  He exhaled. “I feel like the biggest idiot.”

  “Stop it,” I smiled, trying to lighten his mood.

  “After everything we heard last night, I was just kind of out of it when we woke up. My mind was going, and I wasn’t sure what to think of it. And you seemed fine this morning when you left. I thought everything was good, but then you didn’t text me back. And then I called and still nothing. And nothing, and nothing, and nothing. I was panicking. I thought you were upset that I wasn’t talking much…like I was trying to ignore you. Which wasn’t it at all, I was just lost in thought.”

  “I know, it’s okay.”

  “So, you’re okay?” He leaned forward and made our foreheads touch gently. “You’re not upset about anything?”

  I shook my head quickly. “Last night was rough, and I knew you were thinking about it. I wanted to help, but I knew that you would come to me when you were ready.” He kissed my forehead softly, making me smile. “You promised me you would never leave without telling me, and that you would keep me close. I believed you and I still do.”

  “I love you, Becka.”

  “I love you too.” He tickled my face with his prickly chin before kissing me softly, full of love and tenderness. “I’m sorry for overreacting.”

  “I think you mean for being needy,” I giggled, feeling his smile against mine. “It’s okay.” I wrapped my arms around him and embraced him tightly, everything was okay.