We laid on the bed until she fell asleep. Her body eventually stopped shaking and slowed down to deep breaths. I laid her down on her pillow and pulled a blanket over her. She needed to sleep.
I had a great desire to shower. My attempt to wash off the night and not think. I stripped off my dress and drenched myself in the stifling water. It poured over my hair and my skin, taking away all other feeling. I sat on the shower floor and let the water douse my face. Anything to keep away the thoughts.
I dried myself off and dressed in Matt’s sweater and sweatpants. I don’t know why I did it, maybe I’m a masochist, but that sweater was the only thing I wanted to wear.
I looked back at my reflection, blotchy skin from the hot water, hair already beginning to frizz. His sweater stared back at me, a reminder that this was all I had left.
I don’t know what I was expecting, but I tried again. I clicked his name and waited. This time there was no ringing, no waiting. Just straight to voicemail.
Me: Please talk to me. I love you.
I collapsed to the floor, my heart breaking all over again. I laid my body on the tile and I cried until I fell asleep.
Twenty-Two
Dani and I drove back to the hospital for Michael’s release. Neither of us spoke on the way there. It was a long night for both of us, I think we just needed a break.
As we arrived, Frank the doctor was signing Michael’s release papers.
“Hey, Dad.” Dani smiled for the first time that day.
“Hey.” A look of relief washed over his face when he saw his daughter. He turned to me but kept looking over my shoulder. I knew he was looking for Matt.
“We are just about done,” Doctor Frank cut in. “Your dad’s head should heal nicely, not much of a scar. The shoulder will heal soon, and I’ve left instructions with the doctors at the treatment facility for his concussion.”
“Okay, thank you.” Dani smiled, glad to see he was doing better. He looked rested for the first time in a while.
“The shuttle is outside, ready to take you to the center.” He held a hand out for Michael to shake. “Good luck, Michael.”
“Thanks, Frank. For everything.”
We packed up the rest of Michael’s things and brought him to the lobby, ready to say goodbye.
“Matt didn’t want to come?” Michael asked to no one in particular. I didn’t know what to say. How do you tell him that his son took off last night and hasn’t been heard from?
“He’ll come around, Dad,” Dani said, holding his hand tightly. “Just focus on you, okay? Take this seriously and get better.”
He nodded. “I will. I promise.”
I hung back from them, letting them share their moment and their goodbye. It didn’t involve me.
“Becka,” Michael turned around to me. “Thank you for being there for my kids.”
I nodded. “Just take care of yourself. We’ll see you soon.”
Michael and Dani walked outside, hand in hand. The van pulled up and we knew it was time. She hugged her dad firmly, wrapping her arms around his middle. He kissed the top of her head and said goodbye, getting in the van and starting his treatment.
We all hung out in the living room, watching cartoons with Rhylie. She woke up thrilled to see Dani which helped clear everyone’s mind.
I drank my coffee in silence, unwilling and not wanting to talk to anyone except Matt. I tried to call him again when we got back, but it went straight to voicemail again. I understood that he was having a hard time, but why did he need time away from me?
Rocky curled up on the couch next to me. I thought I saw the worry in his eyes. I wouldn’t blame him if he was worried, I was too.
“I know buddy,” I whispered into his ear so softly that no one else could hear me. “I miss him too.”
Dani’s phone went off and she answered it quickly. I almost didn’t hear her, but as she left the room with it, I know what I heard.
“Hey, Aunt Nicole.”
Is that where he went? Did he go to his aunt’s house? He must’ve. He wasn’t at his house last night. He could’ve slept in his car, but I doubted it. Times like this called specifically for Aunt Nicole.
After a while, Dani took me out of my trance with a tap to my shoulder.
“Here.” She handed me her phone. “Phone.”
My hands got sweaty, unable to move. Was it him? I took the phone in my shaky, gross hands and answered it. “Hello?”
“Hi, Becka.” I heard the soft tune of Nicole. “How are you?”
“I’m…okay…I guess.”
“I figured…I wanted to say thank you for being there last night and taking care of Dani. It was really nice of you.”
I cleared my throat. “She would’ve done it for me. It’s no big deal.”
“Still, thank you.” We paused, leaving space between us. “He’s okay.” I blew out a heavy breath I didn’t know I was holding in. “He got here late last night. He’s not saying much, but he’s here and he’s okay.”
My breath was so shaky, tears already flowing again. “Okay.”
“Just give him time. He’ll come around.”
“Okay.” I clutched his sweatshirt in my hands, trying to breathe. “Can you…”
“What sweetie?” she asked so nicely.
“Can you…can you just tell him that I love him?” I sniffled so close to the phone I’m sure she felt my sadness.
“Of course, I’ll tell him, Becka.” I heard her sniffle too, whether she wanted me to hear it or not. “We’ll talk soon. Take care of yourself, honey.”
I gave Dani her phone back and dragged my body back up the stairs, Rocky on my heels. I needed to cry, and I needed to do it alone.
School was worse than I thought it was going to be. It was downright terrible. I felt like a zombie. It was my first day back at school and the third day without Matt. This was unprecedented. I hadn’t been without him since September, and I didn’t like it. I didn’t like it one bit.
I still hadn’t heard from him. I texted him the night before, just to see if maybe I could get a typed response instead of a spoken one. But nothing. I was still left on silent, which made my empty first period so much worse. I just wanted to look up from my notes and see his serious face bent over a book, or that smile appear on his lips when he saw me coming. I missed it so much. I missed his face and I missed his touch, but I would’ve given anything to hear his voice. That would cure me of so much pain.
Lunch was weird too. Dani and James attempted to make small talk, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t manage to talk about anything.
“Are you hungry?” Dani asked, pushing her food at me. “You didn’t eat breakfast, and you aren’t eating lunch.”
“I’m fine.” There was only one thing I wanted, and it was a person, not food.
I sat with my mom while she made dinner that night. She took it as her opportunity to talk to me.
“How’s Dani doing since Michael’s been in treatment?” she asked while cutting vegetables.
“She’s fine, just misses him.” I laid my head on the kitchen table and spun my phone in a circle, willing it to ring or ding or do something.
“Has she talked to him?”
I shook my head against my arm. “No outside contact for the first seven days. Helps with the withdrawal, or whatever.”
“I’m sure he is doing good,” Mom continued with the small talk, but I wasn’t listening anymore. “Becka!” she snapped.
“What?”
She sighed, clearly aggravated. “I get that you are sad, but…”
“But what?” I could feel my temper rising.
“But you can’t go on like this. You are miserable.”
I was pissed. “Am I just supposed to start feeling better about my missing boyfriend?”
“That’s not what I meant, and you know it.” She gave me her stern look. “And he’s not missing, you know where he is.”
“Why won’t he talk to me?” I snapped. “Can you tell me why he took
off and why he won’t talk to me?”
She sighed greatly, putting down her veggies. “No, I can’t tell you that.”
“Okay then. Just let me be sad!” I slammed the chair into the table and stormed up the stairs, back by myself.
Dani came into the room at some point during my episode. I was trying not to cry in front of her. Her family was going through so much, the last thing I wanted was to make this about me. But she rubbed my back slowly while my face drenched my pillow. After my tears subdued, Dani ripped my blanket off me and the bed.
“Come on, let’s do your hair,” she announced, marching off into the bathroom.
“What?” I mumbled, not wanting to do anything but lay down. “I’m not in the mood.”
“Come on,” she told me again. I could hear her in the bathroom, rifling through the cabinet under the sink.
“Dani, I don’t want my hair done right now.”
The cabinet door slammed, and she came storming out, irritation in her eyes. “Becka, I know you’re sad, and worried, and mad, but I can’t do it with you. My brother took off and my dad is in rehab and I’m trying my very best to hold it together. We need to do something other than sit here and cry. Just let me do your hair!”
My eyes were wide with shock. I had never seen her like this before, but I was realizing the hair wasn’t for me. It was something for her to do to feel better. And as her best friend, I needed to be there for her.
“Okay.” I unraveled myself from the bed and joined her in the bathroom. She hooked up her phone to the speaker and turned on music, trying to drown everything else out.
When my head was covered in tin foil, I took my opportunity to say something.
“I’m sorry,” I spoke out.
She shook her head. “You don’t have to be, I know this is hard for you too.”
I cleared my throat. “Can I ask you something?” she nodded, concentrating on the dye. “What’s special about Valentine’s day for your dad?”
She didn’t stop to think about it, she just let it spill. “Valentine’s day was always special for my parents. They always went above and beyond with the cheesy balloons and the flowers and the chocolates. It was my mom’s favorite holiday. She loved that there was a day focused on love.” She dipped her brush back in the dye before adding more to my ends. “When we were kids, they would always try to outdo each other. Dad would send her too many flowers to count or put anywhere. Mom once filled his office at the shop with hundreds of balloons.” She smiled to herself, remembering.
“That’s sweet.” And it made a lot of sense as to why he would be drinking alone at a bar on the same day.
“It was.”
Tuesday was the same as Monday. I got no sleep, my body still felt numb, hot water not helping anymore. I dressed in jeans and a hoodie. Not any hoodie, but his hoodie. I hadn’t taken it off for four days. It didn’t smell like him anymore, but it was all I had. Dani took all the pink out of my hair and replaced it with light purple. It looked good; I just didn’t feel the same.
I went to school but there wasn’t any point to it. I didn’t retain any information given to me. I just sulked. At one point I hid in the bathroom and cried, but mostly I just sulked.
When I came out of the bathroom stall, trying to cover my blotchy face, I found Madison washing her hands.
“Hey,” she said, looking at me in the mirror.
“Hi.” I wiped my tears with the sleeve of his sweatshirt, making it worse.
“You okay?” she asked, drying her hands.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I started washing my hands, trying not to meet her gaze. “How’d the talk with your mom go?”
She rubbed the front of her sweater, right over her stomach. “It was okay. She was mad, and then upset. She cried for a long time, a really long time. But we talked. I’ve got an appointment soon to see what’s going on. And to talk about options.”
I nodded. “That’s good, Madison.”
“I still don’t know what I’m gonna do, but I feel better, now that my mom knows. Thank you for making me tell her.” I nodded again, unable to speak. I just focused on washing my hands. “Your hair looks good. Did you just do it?”
I nodded. “Yeah, Dani did it for me last night.”
“Where’s Matt been? I haven’t seen him around lately.”
“He’s uhm...he’s visiting his aunt for a few days.” Heat rose underneath my skin, nearly making me sweat. I knew where he was, but it still felt like a lie.
“Oh, that’s nice.” She stared at me awkwardly. “You sure you’re okay?”
I wasn’t. She knew I wasn’t. But I wasn’t about to tell her that. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
Track practice was more of the same. I wanted to enjoy my warmup so badly, hoping a nice run would clear my head, but it was forced. The team ran together but I was dragging behind. This wasn’t like me, especially in track. I wasn’t at my best and they all knew it.
Everyone separated to practice their events. I was on my way over to Alexis and the girls when Coach stopped me. She wasn’t in the mood for my lack of emphasis and I wasn’t in the mood for her.
“What was that Becka?” Coach asked, eyeing her stopwatch angrily. “Do you just not care anymore?”
I sighed. “No, Coach. I care.”
“You might want to start acting like it,” she snapped.
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Time like that on an easy run isn’t acceptable.”
“Yea, I got it.” I tried to say it under my breath, but it didn’t work out in my favor.
“Excuse me?” Coach’s eyebrows shot to her hairline, activating every wrinkle in her forehead. “You got something to say, Becka?”
I ran my hand through my hair, trying to think clearly. I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful to Coach, but I wasn’t in the mood for this shit. I was about to speak up, but I was cut off.
“She’s got it, Coach,” James stepped in. “She’ll get it together.”
She looked at both of us with annoyance. “She better.”
I sighed heavily, irritated by the whole thing. But I was grateful for James’s interruption. “Thanks for your help. She was about to tear into me.”
“Can you blame her?”
I pulled away from him, surprised by his words. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“I know you’re sad, but you can’t slack on practice just because he’s gone.” James and I never talked to each other like this. Everything was always light and friendly. He was the last person I expected to say something.
“Well, excuse me for being broken.” I rolled my eyes and tried to walk away from him, more done with this conversation that I was with Coach, but James grabbed my arm.
“Becka, I’m not trying to get on you. I know this is hard for you. But you have to keep going, no matter how bad it hurts.”
I turned away from him and looked at the sky, unable to keep a few tears from dropping. “I know… I just miss him,” I whispered, unable to look anywhere but the sky. “I’m so pissed at him, James. I’m so mad. But I miss him so much.” My tears were rolling at this point. James pulled me in for a hug, something I don’t think he had ever done.
“I know, Becka. I know.”
I laid in bed that night, unable to sleep. I stared up at the ceiling, listening to Dani’s deep breaths as she dreamt. Rocky laid next to me as well, eyes squeezed tight. I rubbed his head gently, looking at his sweet chocolate face. He followed me everywhere, never leaving my side. He missed Matt so much, and I think Rocky knew I missed him too.
All the pain and the tears, I just wanted it to stop. I just wanted to feel something other than this hurt and wonder, even if it meant feeling nothing.
I didn’t want to be the girl that needed a guy. This was exactly what I was trying to avoid. I was so scared of losing myself when I got involved with Matt. I was terrified of getting hurt again. And I told him that, and he asked me to trust him. So I did. I trusted him with everything I had and look w
here I was: lying in my bed, petting my boyfriend’s dog while refusing to not wear his sweater. This wasn’t me. At least not the me that I wanted.
My phone vibrated in the hoodie’s pocket, making my stomach shake. I wasn’t going to touch it; I didn’t think there was a point. It was probably just a stupid email. But the vibration didn’t stop. It was a call.
MATT.
There he was. His strong-jaw. That smile.
My hands immediately began to sweat, and my chest caved in on me. I had waited four, long, horrible days for this to happen. Now that it was here, I couldn’t breathe.
“Hello?”
“Hi.”
Just the sound of his voice sent tears to my eyes, already falling so quickly. I grasped my heart again, searching for air.
“I’m sorry if I woke you up, but would you mind coming outside?” That sense of nerves was back in his voice.
“You’re here? At my house?” I didn’t think I was breathing; my chest was aching so harshly.
“Yeah, I just got back. I’d really like to talk to you…. Will you come outside?”
I choked back my tears and cleared my throat. “Yeah, I’ll be right down.”
I took a few deep breaths, needing all the strength I could get. I got out of bed and looked myself over in the mirror. My eyes were swollen and red due to all the crying, and my nose was pink from all the sniffling. The hoodie was incredibly wrinkled and needed to be washed, and my sweatpants were stained with coffee. I wasn’t about to fix my appearance in any way. If he was finally back, he was going to see what his vacation did to me.
Rocky followed me down the stairs to the front door. I wanted to keep him upstairs with Dani, but if anyone needed to see Matt as much as I did, it was Rocky.
I opened the door and lost any air I had left. There he stood, a dark blue hoodie and gym shorts. Hair unkept, eyes dark but not intense. The fire in them was gone. My Matt was back, jawline and all.
Rocky targeted Matt, all his excitement alive and well. He ran around Matt in circles, tail wagging rapidly. At least one of us got to feel better.
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