“Hi,” he said openly, standing just beyond the porch.
All I saw was red. I ran down the steps and rammed my palms into his chest, making him stumble backward. A look of shock hit his face. Neither of us thought I would hit him, but I did. Repeatedly. I had been sad for days; anger was waiting to be released.
“How could you just leave? How could you do that to me?” I was shrieking, pushing him backward more and more.
“I know.” He was quiet, taking each of my hits.
“Do you? Do you know what it was like not knowing where you were? Or if you were coming back? Ever? Do you have any idea what that was like?” He stared at his shoes, unable to meet my eyes. I stood in front of him, hands shaking between us, trying not to hit him again. “Four days, Matt! I haven’t heard from you in four days! Four long, horrible days of wishing and praying that you would answer one of my calls or reply to one of my texts. But you did nothing. You left me, alone, scared that I would never see you again. Do you know how that feels?” I didn’t want him to see me cry, but I didn’t have much of an option. I was hysterical.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, looking down at his shoes.
I backed up and sat on the porch, trying to catch my breath. I dropped my head in my hands, tears pouring at the same time. “You promised you would never leave. You promised. You asked me to trust you and you promised you would never hurt me. You said it over and over and over again. But you did it anyway! What am I supposed to do with that? How am I supposed to feel?” I wiped my tears aggressively, trying to catch my breath. “You made me think that being without me wasn’t an option for you, but you turned your phone off and drove away like I was nothing. I had to hear from your aunt that you were alive. I needed more than that, and I deserved more than that.”
He turned his head away and looked up at the sky. The light from the moon reflected off the tears sliding down his face. He looked miserable.
“And now I need you to talk to me.”
He took a deep breath, staring at the sky for a moment. But eventually, he came toward me and dropped to his knees, resting his face against my legs. His body was rigid and tense, shaking as if he was cold. I knew a touch from me would calm him, but I needed him to talk first before I touched anything. He mumbled his words against my legs, but at least he was talking.
“I was freaking out about my dad. I was mad that he didn’t automatically agree to treatment. I didn’t get it…I meant it when I said I was going to get air. I really did. I was just trying to clear my head. But when I went outside, I thought about it all over again. I couldn’t go back in. There was no way I could go back in there and deal with it. I just got in the truck. But then I saw your bag, and I thought I could do it. I thought I could go in and be fine,” he paused, wiping his eyes. “But I couldn’t do it. I gave your bag to the lady at the desk and I just drove. And I was just driving. I didn’t realize I was going to Aunt Nicole’s until I got there.”
“Why’d you turn your phone off?” I blurted out, wanting my answers.
“I wasn’t going to be able to keep driving if I heard your voice,” he whispered, his voice cracking slightly. “But I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t deal with my dad.” I understood it. I didn’t like it, but I understood. “I didn’t talk when I got there. I holed myself up in their basement and didn’t talk to anyone. I had to be alone. I kept my phone off and didn’t talk. It wasn’t until earlier tonight that I talked to my aunt. She told me my dad went to rehab the day after I left, and I felt like an idiot. I had been ignoring everything around me for days when it was already fixed. The first thing I wanted to do was call you.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“I left you at a hospital without saying a word and disappeared for days. How was I supposed to come back from that? How was I supposed to call you after I did the one thing I promised I would never do? I didn’t think you wanted to see me or talk to me again. I didn’t know how to just call you and be fine. We got together because I told you that you could trust me, and I ruined it. And I’m so sorry. I am so incredibly sorry for leaving, for not talking to you when I should’ve, for everything.” He looked up at me, giving me all his gloomy attention, tears still falling on his soft cheeks. I couldn’t meet his eyes. The look on his face was breaking my already broken heart.
“I’m not going to say it’s okay, because it’s not.”
He hung his head, his voice coming out even lower. “I know. I’m just…I’m so sorry, Becks.” Hearing my name cross his lips felt like another dagger to my chest. I had waited so long to hear it, but it almost hurt worse. “Is there anything I can do? Because I’ll do anything. I’ll do literally whatever it takes to make this better and not lose you.”
I didn’t want to hurt him like he hurt me, but I needed him to understand how damaging this was.
“You did the one thing you weren’t supposed to do.” His chin hit his chest this time, tears falling off his cheeks and onto his knees. “I told you when we got together that I didn’t want to lose myself again. I told you how important it was for me to be my own person. And these last four days have shown me how dependent I am on you. And when you’re here, maybe that’s not a bad thing. But you left, and I was the farthest thing from okay. Do you know how that feels? To realize that one person can break my entire life apart? Because that’s what you did, Matt.” I couldn’t stop my throat from choking up, but I spoke through it. “You broke my heart.”
Matt ran both hands through his hair, looking distraught. His eyes were pleading with me. “Please, don’t say that.”
My entire soul felt conflicted. Watching the boy I loved with all my heart break down in front of me was tearing me in one direction, but remembering how empty I felt over the past four days was taking me in the other.
“What do I do, Becka?” he asked again, hands still wringing out his hair, eyes panicked and shifty, chin connected to his chest. “I know I hurt you, and I broke your trust and I will never forgive myself for this. But I’ll do whatever it takes to make this better. I know I fucked up…but I can’t lose you.”
I stared back at him, his tears matching my tears. I had never seen a man cry before. I wanted to believe him. I wanted so desperately for all of this to have never happened, but it did, and I couldn’t ignore it.
“You need to talk to me,” I kept my voice stern, hoping he knew I was serious. “You can’t keep shutting me out when things get tough. That’s not a future I will have.”
He nodded quickly, his body shaking with him. “Yes, absolutely.”
“You can get upset about things, but you can’t take off and leave. If you need time before you talk that’s fine. But you have to talk to me, you just have to.”
His rapid nodding continued. “I will talk to you and I will be there, always. I will never do this again, I promise.” This glimmer of hope was in his eye, I could see it clear as day.
“And…and I need you to give me time to get over this.”
The glimmer dimmed, but it was still there. He tried to play off his disappointment with a nod, but I caught it. “I’ll give you as much time as you need.”
I knew this wasn’t what I wanted. I hated every second of being apart from him. But I knew it was what I needed. And what I also needed to do was cry, so I held my face in my hands and I wept.
“Please, please stop crying, Becks.” If I had looked up to see his face, I would’ve found nothing but pain as he watched the aftermath of what he caused. “Can I…” he cut off his own words, unsure if he should even ask. “Can I hold you?”
I nodded my head quickly, missing his comfort more than anything. In one quick motion, Matt was on the step next to me, both arms wrapped around my body and pulling me into his chest. The smell of his sweater, the four days of stubble growing on his chin that scraped against my forehead, and the feel of his embrace woke up a whole new mess of emotions and I became hysterical.
“How could you do that?” I cried into his cotton-blend. “How cou
ld you do that to me?”
He pressed his lips to my hair, shaking with his own cries. “I don’t know. I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”
“I’m so mad at you!” My voice was cracking from yelling, but thankfully his clothes were muffling the volume. I clenched his sweater with my fist as I wailed into it. “You promised. You promised you wouldn’t do this!”
“I know, and I’m so sorry.” He continued to cry into my hair, repeating the same apology. “I’m so sorry.”
We held each other on the porch. It took a long time to subdue all the crying. I figured my tear-well was run dry by that point. I wasn’t mad anymore, but I was upset. I was happy he was home, and it felt like a breath of fresh air to be in his arms again. But every time I looked at his face, a wave of emotions would hit me and I remembered everything all over again. I didn’t want to think about how much he hurt me every time I saw his face. I just needed time for it to settle.
“Do you want me to go so you can get some sleep?” Matt asked.
I shook my head. “You’re supposed to be staying here while your dad is in rehab.” Another piece of information he would’ve learned had he answered his phone or not taken off at all.
“Do you want me to stay here?” I didn’t know how to answer. “I’m not trying to bombard you. I know you asked for time. I don’t want to be bothering you if I’m here.”
“It’s fine,” I coughed out. “But you should probably just stay on the couch. Dani is already set up in my room.”
I could feel the disappointment sink through his body. “Yeah, okay.”
I got him set up on the couch with pillows and blankets before heading back upstairs.
“Becka?”
I stopped halfway, turning to him. “Yea?
“I’m sorry I hurt you.”
I could feel how much he meant it in my bones. I just needed time.
“Goodnight, Matt.”
Twenty-Three
When I woke up that next morning, I was sure it had been a bad dream. There was no way all of that went down at two in the morning. But when I found him drinking coffee with my mom in the kitchen, I knew the dream idea was bullshit.
Everyone expected me to run into his arms and envelop myself with him. So when I didn’t, the amount of awkwardness in the air was pungent. I think the only person who felt as I did was Dani. When she spotted him that morning, she pulled him into the backyard so fast she could’ve dislocated his shoulder. Mom and Ryan were trying not to eavesdrop, but it was impossible. Dani was letting him have it. I was proud of her. She kept her emotions in check and handled all her family problems by herself for four, long days. She needed to stick up for herself as much as I did.
Once they settled their issues, things were slowly going back to normal. School was different but moving in the right direction. Matt and I still shared our free period in the library, but it was much more silent than usual. It wasn’t that he was ignoring me, he was respecting my time to process, and I appreciated it. He didn’t initiate a lot of conversations, letting me start them when I wanted to. But if I did, he gave me all of his attention. He always said good morning and good night, as well as hello and goodbye. He was still there, but he was giving me the space I needed.
Time away from him was…unique. It opened my eyes to a lot of things, like the other aspects of my life. I reintegrated myself with my hobbies and my friends. I spent a lot more time with my books and my journal as well as people from the track team. My relationship with Dani was even thriving. Even after Matt’s return, Dani and I continued to stay up late making cheesy handshakes and dances, taking stupid internet quizzes and pampering ourselves with nightly face masks. It made me realize how much I submerged myself with Matt the second we started dating. Matt became my life very quickly, and I didn’t want to be the girl who lived for a boy.
But on the other side, I missed him. I missed him so much. I missed our conversations, whether they be deep or silly. I missed the way he would hold me while we laid on the couch. Now we sit on separate sides. I missed the way he always kissed me hello and goodbye. Now he only smiles softly. I missed his laugh. He still laughed with Dani and me while we watched TV or when he played with Rhylie, but it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t the throwing-your-head-back kind of laughter he did with me, and I missed the sound of it. I was still really conflicted with how I felt, but I couldn’t ignore how much I missed him.
Mom and I were preparing dinner one night when she decided to ask me about it. Everyone had left me alone regarding the situation so far, it was only a matter of time before someone bit the bullet.
“Are you guys okay?” Mom asked, chopping lettuce for a salad.
“We’re working things out,” I tried to keep it casual, but the situation was anything but.
“What does that mean, exactly?” She was careful with her words.
“He’s giving me time to move on from what happened. Time to clear my head so I’m not so upset anymore.”
She nodded slowly, still slicing the lettuce head. “And how’s that going?”
“I’m getting better.” She stared back at me, waiting for me to tell her more. I was hesitant, but I knew she was just worried about me. “The whole thing was just…really overwhelming, and I needed space to figure it all out.”
“What do you need to figure out?”
“If forgiving what happened and staying with him is best for me.”
“Wow.” Her eyes were wide with shock. My answer was the farthest thing from her expectations. “That’s serious.”
“What did you expect?”
“I mean…I know you missed him, but I didn’t think this was bad enough to break up with him.”
“Him leaving me without saying a word was worse than him breaking up with me. Because I know him well enough to know that if he broke up with me, he’d at least explain himself. He left me with nothing, and he promised he never would. That’s why I have to take this so seriously.”
Mom’s worry turned to sadness. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I didn’t know how…damaging this was for you two.”
“I’m just trying to figure it out.”
“Do you still love him?” I nodded, unsure if I could say it aloud. “Is that enough to get through this?”
I had to take a breath, or I was going to cry. “I want it to be. But he also taught me how to love myself. I can’t let what I feel for him overshadow what I deserve.”
Tears started welling in my mother’s eyes. She quickly wiped them away, not wanting them to worsen. “I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this, but I’m so proud of you. I’ve seen too many people take advantage of your kindness, I’m glad you are finally being there for you.” She put her hands on my arms, turning me toward her. “This decision can’t be an easy one, but just be careful. I know he hurt you, and you don’t want to be hurt again, but I have never seen you so happy. And not just stupid, flirty happy. Like everything about you is brighter. I don’t want you to lose that.”
Now I was crying. “I don’t want to lose that either. I just don’t want to get hurt again.”
“I know, sweetie. Just think about it. You know now that you can be strong without him, but no one said you can’t be strong with him too.”
Dani, Matt and I were planted in the living room doing homework while my brain was cruising. I had spent the last five days just trying to let the dust settle and let everything play out, but my talk with my mom had changed things. She made me think about what I wanted for my future and whether or not I wanted Matt to join me.
I looked over at him on the other end of the couch as he read his history book, that serious and yet thoughtful look on his face. I missed the days when he could go from so focused on his studies to smiling in less than a second. I felt myself missing more and more things about him every day.
“Ugh,” Dani groaned brashly, slamming her book shut. “I can’t read another word of this or I’m going to die.”
“So dramatic,” Matt mocked he
r, rolling his eyes.
“We can’t all be as nerdy as you.” She lightly smacked him on the side of his head before ambling up the stairs. “I’m going to bed. Night.”
I tried to refocus my attention on my math homework, but I didn’t get the chance.
Dani: Please talk to him. I know you guys are going through a lot. I know he fucked up, and I’m trying not to badger you, but you guys belong together. Please Becka. Give him a chance to make it right.
Dani was very protective as well as blunt about her opinions, but she never butted into my relationship with her brother unless absolutely necessary. I knew she meant well, so I decided to take her advice.
“How was your day?” I asked, my voice jagged at first.
He looked up at me with that glimmer of hope back in his eye, smiling softly. “It was okay. There’s a lot to do at the shop right now.”
“Taking over things for your dad?”
He nodded. “He was behind on a lot of paperwork so I’m trying to get him caught up. That plus the phones and working on the cars has been a lot.”
“Do you need any help? I can come by and help after track.”
My favorite smirk returned. “Gonna wear some coveralls and work on a car?”
I couldn’t help but laugh. He knew my knowledge of cars was less than zero. “Hard no, but I can answer phones, or file papers, or clean.”
“Yea, that’d be great, Becka. Thank you.” His smile was relighting that fire inside me. I smiled sheepishly, feeling nervous but in a good way.
“You’re welcome.”
“Can I ask you something?” His voice went soft, but I agreed. “How are you…with everything?”
I twirled my pencil around my fingers, ruminating on my thoughts. “I’m okay.”
“Are you still mad at me?” He didn’t look at me with these words, and I didn’t blame him.
I shook my head. “No, I’m not.”
“I’ve been trying really hard to give you your space. I hope me being here isn’t bothering you or making it more difficult.”
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