“No, you’ve made this really easy for me. Thank you.”
“Is there anything else I can do to help?” He turned his attention to me this time, trying to peer into my eyes. “If you still need time, I get it. I’ve only been back for five days, I’m not trying to pressure you. But if you need to talk about anything or ask me anything…”
I thought about this for a few minutes. I knew I couldn’t get past this on my own. The decision was still mine to make, but maybe he could help with the process.
“What were you thinking when you left the hospital?” He didn’t waste any time, he just answered on command.
“I honestly wasn’t thinking. When something like that happens and I need to be alone, everything is kind of a blur. Driving really helps. I usually just hit the freeway and go, but I never go far. Maybe just like to the city. But that night I just kept driving. It was like I was sleepwalking. One second, I was there with you, and then the next I was in my aunt’s driveway. It freaked me out.”
“Why did you turn your phone off after we talked? I know you said you couldn’t hear my voice, but still.”
He nodded in agreement with my question. “I don’t like to talk when I get in those moods, and it was a mixture of not wanting to talk, not wanting to hear the hurt in your voice, and realizing that I put that hurt there. I turned off my phone so I could just drive and try to process everything. I just didn’t think it was going to take me four days to process.”
His honesty was everything in that moment. My emotions were steady, I wasn’t overwhelmed, I just simply wanted to understand.
“How are you doing with everything?” I asked in return.
He sat and thought before clueing me in. “The entire time I was gone, my mind did nothing but go back and forth between hating my dad for what he did and hating myself for what I did to you. I laid in that basement and told myself I was the biggest piece of shit because I took off and I promised I wouldn’t. I didn’t deserve to be with you, I don’t deserve you—”
“Stop.” I couldn’t take the self-hatred anymore.
“Sorry…it’s just…you are the last person who deserves to be treated like that, and I couldn’t believe it was me to do it. Dealing with that was…a lot. When I talked to my aunt and she told me my dad went to rehab that next day, I hated myself even more. I felt so stupid for locking myself away from the world when everything worked out, you know? I was losing my mind over nothing. And then I realized that means I left you for nothing…and I had a panic attack.”
“You what?” I lost the air in my lungs when I heard his words.
He nodded, looking down at his veiny hands. “I thought about how badly I hurt you and I couldn’t breathe. I curled up into a ball on Aunt Nicole’s kitchen floor and she gave me a paper bag to breathe into.”
“Matt…”
“I know how serious trust is to you, and I realized in that moment I broke my promise for literally nothing. I knew I lost you. I knew there was no way I would have a future with you, and I couldn’t breathe.” His voice was so soft it brought tears to my eyes. “Once I calmed down my aunt told me she talked to you, she said you still loved me. I didn’t know if it was still true, but I held onto it. I hoped and prayed that there was still a sliver of a chance I didn’t lose you forever.”
“So you came home?”
“I listened to all your messages and read all your texts on the way back. Hearing the pain in your voice crushed me, I almost didn’t come back. I pulled over and nearly lost it all over again. But…” He reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. When he opened it, he took out a very small picture of us as well as a folded piece of paper. “I took this out, and I looked at your beautiful face. That helped me breathe. And then I read this again.”
“What is that?” I whispered.
“It’s your letter.” He unfolded it and handed it to me. “The letter you wrote me after that fight we had.”
Tears were pouring now. “I didn’t know you kept this.”
“I sat on the side of the road and read that over and over, hearing your voice inside my head telling me how much you love me. I didn’t know if you still felt that way after all I did, or if you still wanted to be with me, but I knew you deserved an explanation. So I came home.” He met my eyes this time, but his were so sad. “I had thought over and over about how you must’ve been feeling, how mad or sad or something you must’ve been, but it was one hundred times worse than I thought. Seeing you, your eyes all puffy from crying, hitting me, it was a nightmare. I knew I fucked up but…when I saw you…and when you told me I broke your heart…I really thought it was goodbye.”
“I wasn’t trying to hurt you,” I sniffled through my words. “I just wanted you to know how it all affected me.”
“And I’m glad you told me.” He subtly scooched an inch closer to me on the couch. Weeks ago, I wouldn’t have noticed, but since we had been so distant, any close contact with him was immediately detected. “I’m glad you let me have it and told me everything you were feeling. There’s been too many times in your life that you’ve had to hold back when things upset you. I’m glad you told me.”
I combed my hair away from my face, taking a second to breathe and think. “It’s all just…a lot. We went from having the easiest relationship on the planet to it nearly breaking me. And it scared me. It still scares me. I told you I can’t get hurt again. I just can’t.” He lowered his head, looking down at the floor. I barely heard him when he spoke up.
“Do you think you can ever trust me again?”
I exhaled heavily, letting the tears fall across my skin. “I want to.”
He shot his head up and looked at me with wide eyes. “You do?”
“Of course, I do! Matt, my feelings for you didn’t disappear because you hurt me. It hurt so bad because of my feelings for you. What we had was the epitome of perfect and it felt like it got ripped out from under me. And it felt like you didn’t care.”
“Of course, I cared!”
“How was I supposed to know that? How was I supposed to know you missed me at all? You left me and didn’t talk to me for four days. You made me feel like everything between us meant nothing to you. Like you could just up and leave and everything would be fine for you.”
Since his return he had been so careful to keep a respectful distance between us, but in that moment he didn’t care anymore. Matt jumped over the cushion separating us and held my hands in his, clutching them aggressively. The touch of his fingers on my skin made everything come alive.
“I would never be fine without you, Becka. Me without you does not equal fine, and I’m so sorry that I ever made you feel that way for a second, because it couldn’t be further from the truth. You mean everything to me. You’re the last thing I want to lose.” He looked away quickly, collecting his thoughts and his tears. “You make me feel so loved and in love, and if you ever thought differently, I am so sorry. I’m so sorry for everything.”
It wasn’t just his words, it was his eyes, and his hands holding mine so firmly. It was the passion he made me feel when he spoke to me. It was the tears collecting in his ducts. It was him. I unlatched my hands from his and held his face gently. The moment my fingertips touched his skin, I watched his body calm.
“I believe you.”
Tears slid down his face, and Matt made no attempt to hide them from me. I wiped them away carefully with my thumbs, wanting to hold onto that jawline for as long as I could. I pulled him close, touching his forehead to mine.
“I’m so sorry, Becks.”
“I know. Just don’t leave me again.”
“I promise. Never again. I go where you go.”
Enough was enough. He hurt me, he knew it, he was sorry, and I knew in my gut and in my heart that he wouldn’t do it again. I closed the distance and pressed my lips to his, lighting all forms of electricity between us. My entire body came back from the dead.
Matt pushed my textbook to the floor and ruggedly hiked m
y leg around his hips, pulling me onto his lap. He wasted no time swimming his hands up the back of my shirt and touching my skin like his life depended on it. I ran my fingers through his hair and pulled on it as he kissed my neck, trying to fight the moan that was nearly escaping.
“I missed you,” Matt spoke breathlessly on my skin. “I missed you so much.”
“I missed you too.”
Matt pulled my lips to his, kissing me deeply.
“I’m so sorry I hurt you but thank you for giving me another chance.”
“Just be here with me.” I held onto his face, tracing over his facial hair with my thumb.
“Always, baby. I promise.” He kissed me again passionately. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Matt, Dani, and I were on the road again, driving the three and a half hours it took to get to the rehab center. Michael had been admitted for twelve days and was allowed an hour-long visitation with family and a therapist. It was a big day.
Things were all around going well. Matt and I were getting back in the swing of things, but I wanted to keep the changes I’d made. I wanted to continue with my hobbies and spending time with my friends. I didn’t want to lose myself again like the first time around, and hopefully this time it would stick.
The night we made up, we didn’t have sex. We thought about it, and clearly wanted to, but it was too dangerous with a house full of people. But I’m glad we didn’t. Things were just getting back to normal, waiting to be intimate with him again gave me something to look forward to.
When we got the call that Michael could have visitors, I was super anxious. Last time I saw Michael, my boyfriend took off. I didn’t know what to expect for the next reunion. They scheduled a meeting with him and his therapist for mid-morning Saturday. I wasn’t planning on going, but Matt asked if I would.
“Will you come with us?” He brought it up during our first period.
I inserted my crease. “Am I allowed to? I thought it was just family.”
“Yea, I think it is. I just…” he was staring at his hands nervously. “I think I would just feel better about the whole thing if you were there with me.”
He was letting me in.
“But you don’t have to,” he immediately retreated. “It’s a long drive and I don’t know if they will let you go into the session with us. I don’t want you to just sit there.”
“Hey,” I cut off his spastic thinking. “If you want me there, I’m there.”
He let out a sigh of relief. “Thank you.”
I tried to think positively on the drive over, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried. His dad was a trigger and I had just gotten Matt back; I wasn’t ready for him to disappear into his headspace again. But Matt assured me he would be okay, and he invited me along. Hopefully, my worry was for nothing.
The rehab facility was huge. A large wooden building with tall glass windows floor to ceiling. A huge field was in the back, surrounded by a forest of pine trees. If there was ever a place to get away from the world to heal, this looked like the place to do it.
Matt parked the car and Dani perked up.
“Finally. Longest car ride ever.” She got out and stretched her legs against the car. Matt and I sat for a moment, just staring out at the center. Matt’s hands laid on his lap, rough on his thighs. I knew he was lost in thought; I could feel it.
“It’s going to be okay,” I reassured him.
He smiled softly before reaching for my hand and kissing my palm. He took a deep breath and opened the door, ready to do this.
We opened the glass doors and found ourselves in a lobby with a huge wrap around couch and large, comfy chairs. A girl with short blonde hair sat at a circular desk, typing on a computer.
“Hi, how can I help you?”
Matt cleared his throat, squeezing his hand in mine. “We are here for visitation.”
“Okay, perfect. Who are you visiting?”
“Michael Murphy,” Dani said.
The receptionist smiled widely. “Awesome, why don’t you guys have a seat and I will let his doctor know you are here. Are you guys thirsty? I have bottles of water if you’d like.”
“We’re okay, thank you.” I smiled back, appreciating her friendliness. The three of us went to the couch and waited for something to happen.
“I hope he’s doing well,” Dani said, looking around the lobby.
“Yeah, me too,” Matt agreed, looking down at his shoes. I rubbed his back gently, trying to relieve some of his tension. I knew he was having a hard time with this.
A few minutes passed and a tall woman with long black hair and a bunchy, purple, turtleneck sweater appeared from a hallway, the click of her heels announcing her arrival.
“Hi,” she smiled, looking down at us on the couch. “I’m assuming you are Matt and Dani?”
“Yes, ma’am.” Dani smiled back at her.
“I’m Amelia Gallagher, your dad’s therapist.” She reached a hand out to us and shook it firmly. I couldn’t help but notice how soft her skin was. The image of her sitting behind a desk and applying expensive lotion came into my mind. Something with lavender I assumed.
“I’m Becka,” I introduced myself.
She nodded in agreement. “Michael mentioned you would probably be here as well.” She pointed at a chair close to us. “Do you mind if I sit for a moment, just to go over a few things with you?”
“Not at all,” Dani pointed, clearly excited. Matt was still tense, hunched over on the couch, looking back at the therapist.
She made herself comfortable in the chair before speaking, crossing one leg over the other. “Well, your dad has been making great progress over the last twelve days. He meets with me, as well as a group of others each day to talk and get through this addiction.”
“Does he talk?” Matt asked abruptly. “In the meetings and with you? Does he actually talk about what’s going on?”
Amelia nodded greatly. “He does. As I said, he’s made great progress. It’s not uncommon for people to come here and fight the help they are given. But your dad has taken it willingly and is really trying.” That was nice to hear. I rubbed Matt’s back again, reassuring him. “So, today, I would like for you guys to try and open up to him. Talk to him about anything and everything that is on your mind. Good or bad, it doesn’t matter.”
“What will that do?” Matt asked again.
“A big part of his treatment is understanding not only what he has done, but how it has affected the people around him. Hearing it from you, out in the open with no filter is extremely important.”
Dani agreed, thinking about what she was going to say.
“Becka, I think it might be best today if it is just Dani and Matt that go in…if that is okay with you?”
I expected this, I was just there for support. “That’s fine.”
“So, we will go in and just talk. Say anything you want to say, okay?” She looked hopeful.
“Okay,” Dani smiled, excited to see her dad. Both she and Amelia got up, moving toward the hallway. Dani stopped when she noticed Matt hadn’t moved. I couldn’t take my eyes from him.
“Matt?” She tried to catch his attention.
“I’ll just be a minute if that’s okay?”
Amelia smiled like she understood. “Take your time, come on in when you’re ready.” She put her hand on Dani’s upper back and clicked her way back to where she came.
I didn’t say anything to him. I figured he just needed a minute to gather his thoughts. But he gathered for a while, not moving at all.
“I don’t know what to say to him,” he whispered more to the floor.
“You say anything you want. Good or bad, remember? It doesn’t have to be nice, it just has to be the truth.” He still didn’t move, just as tense as before. “Just take your time and go in there when you’re ready. No one is rushing you.”
He stared down the hallway, still deep in thought. “Can you just sit with me?” He looked back at me w
ith sad eyes again. “I don’t know if I can go in there, and I don’t want to be without you.”
I wrapped my body around his arm, resting on his shoulder. “I’m right here.”
Minutes went by and he didn’t move. We just sat there, not speaking a word. I didn’t want to rush him into something. And because he opened up to me and told me what he was thinking, I wouldn’t rush him into anything. He told me he wouldn’t take off and he would let me in, and he really was this time.
Thirty minutes turned to forty-five and then before we knew it Dani and Amelia came trotting down the hall. The sound of her heels connecting with the tile woke Matt out of his trance.
“Hey guys,” Amelia said, smiling once again.
“Hi,” I looked back shyly, still rubbing Matt’s back. “How’d it go?” I asked Dani.
“Good,” she nodded approvingly. “He’s doing good, looks better. Not so tired as before.”
“That’s good,” Matt cleared his throat, trying to come back to reality.
Amelia sat back down in the chair from before, looking at Matt. “Your dad wrote you a letter.” She held an envelope in her hands. “He wrote one for Dani too, but he read it to her. He thought you might want it.”
Matt reached for it, staring at it carefully. “Okay.”
She stared back at him, about to work her therapist magic. “No one is saying this is easy, or that you have to jump right into it. Take your time, talk to him when you’re ready. But I do think you should read the letter. When you’re ready.”
“Okay,” he nodded in agreement. “Thank you for helping my dad.”
She smiled, getting up from the chair and moving on. “I’ll see you guys next time.”
Matt and I were on the couch, he mindlessly watching TV while I wrote in my journal. He had been pretty quiet since we got back. I wanted to talk to him, but I wasn’t going to push. I just let him rest his legs on my lap and tried to allow him to take his time.
“I’m sorry you drove up there and I didn’t go in.” His voice was clear, but he wasn’t looking at me.
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