A Nest of Sparrows

by Deborah Raney

  Chapter 39

  Wade banged on the door again. “Sophie!”

  He looked around the parking lot. Her car was sitting in its usual spot, but he’d knocked loud enough to wake the dead and still no response. It was four o’clock in the afternoon. Usually, Sophie was awake and getting ready for work by now. Maybe she was in the shower. But he’d been pounding on her door for almost ten minutes with no answer. He shuddered inwardly, thinking of the day he’d hollered for Starr, wondering why she didn’t respond.

  It had been weeks since he’d talked to Sophie. She never had come out to see the kids since that day he’d confronted her. He’d been in to the café twice hoping to catch her, but she hadn’t been there. Last time, Lydia told him Sophie had the day off, but he wasn’t sure he believed the girl. Ever since Sophie had been assaulted in the parking lot, he suspected Lydia was covering for her. About what, he didn’t know.

  He rang the doorbell one last time before walking around to the back of the building. From the rear, the row of cookie cutter porches stopped Wade short, but then he recognized the colorful plastic banner tacked to the back of one door. Dani had made it in Bible School last summer and insisted on giving it to her aunt Sophie. He was strangely touched to see it hanging there.

  He knocked on the door, then edged to the window and peered inside. Glancing around, he hoped the neighbors wouldn’t think he was trying to break in. It was hard to tell looking into the darkened kitchen, but nothing seemed amiss. But why would her car be here? Maybe Lydia had picked her up.

  He was just about to turn away when a movement caught his eye. He pressed his face closer to the window, cupping his hands around his eyes. Someone darted into the kitchen before ducking out of sight.

  Wade suddenly realized how little he knew about Sophie’s life lately. He regretted he hadn’t made more of an effort. Especially when he’d judged her so harshly for not keeping in touch with the kids.

  Once more, he raised his fist and pounded on the door. Maybe Sophie had a boyfriend over, and she was embarrassed for him to know it. The guy who had beat her up?

  A tinge of fear skittered through him. He pounded again, louder. “Sophie! Come on, open up!”

  He shielded his eyes and peeked in the window again. There she was, walking toward him. Wade stepped back and waited.

  Slowly, the door swung outward. “Wade.”

  He stepped into the house, dispensing with the niceties. “Good grief, I’ve been banging on the door for ten minutes. Did I wake you?” She didn’t look like she’d been sleeping.

  “No.” She shut the door behind him and flipped on a light switch.

  “Where were you, then?” He looked around the apartment, looking for a clue to her odd behavior.

  She turned her back to him, filling a teakettle at the sink.

  “Are you okay?” he pressed.

  “I’m fine. You want some tea?” She carried the kettle to the stove and switched on the burner.

  “No. Thanks. You haven’t been out to see the kids.”

  Silence.

  “They miss you, Sophe. They––”

  She spun to face him. “I’m not going to see them, Wade. Please stop asking.”

  Wade drew back. “But…why? I don’t understand.”

  “And I can’t make you understand. I’m just telling you the facts. I’m not going to see the kids. So you can forget about me being your token female role model.”

  His anger flared. “Don’t you even care that I might lose the kids?”

  “Stop it, Wade.” Her voice was flat. “It’s not like I was what you had in mind for a role model for the kids, anyway. It’s just that I was all you had.” She pulled a stained mug from the cupboard and plunked a tea bag into it.

  “Sophie, I didn’t mean it that way. You’re their aunt. You’re the only living relative they have now––”

  “Lucky kids,” she said, rolling her eyes.

  “Come on, Sophie. You know what I mean. They love you. Don’t you get that? They miss you, and they don’t understand why you haven’t made an effort to see them.”

  “I came to see them.”

  “That was eons ago as far as they’re concerned.” A pang of guilt sliced through him as he realized he wasn’t being altogether truthful. The kids rarely asked about Sophie. Wade was always the one who brought up her name.

  The teakettle whistled, and Sophie grabbed it off the stove and poured the steaming water over her teabag. She carried her mug into the living room.

  Wade followed.

  Sophie set the mug on the coffee table and plopped onto the sofa. He stood, leaning against the archway between the two rooms. She picked up the remote and aimed it at the TV. Oprah Winfrey’s voice filled the room.

  Anger roiled inside him. Sophie’s selfishness would likely cost him the children. He didn’t know what was going on with her, but something wasn’t right. If he had to guess, he’d say she’d been dragged back into the world of drugs and alcohol that had almost killed her a few years ago.

  He hated the thoughts that bubbled up, but he seemed unable to stop them. What had God been thinking when he’d taken Starr from this world and left Sophie? He felt a flush of guilt for the ugly question. But his anger remained. He walked to the television and hit the power button. She just sat there, staring into space.

  He turned to confront her. “What is wrong with you?” he shouted. “Are you on something?”

  Her head shot up and she glared at him. “No, I’m not on something.”

  “Then what is it? You’re acting totally irrational.”

  She set her mouth in a hard line. Finally, she looked at him. “No, Wade. I’m not acting irrational. It’s just that I’m acting on information you don’t have. So you can stop judging me now. I know what I’m doing.”

  “Then would you mind telling me just what that is?”

  “Yes, I would mind.”

  He threw his arms up and paced into the kitchen and back, trying in vain to let off some steam. “Sophie…What is with you? I don’t understand why you’re doing this to me.”

  She folded her arms over her mid-section, as though she were physically protecting herself. “I’m not doing anything to you. I’m…I’m doing something for you.”

  “What?” She wasn’t making any sense at all.

  Without warning, Sophie burst into tears. Wade stood there for a minute, in shock, before he finally went to the sofa and sat down beside her. “Sophie? What is it? What’s wrong?”

  She leaned forward and rested her head on her knees. Her shoulders shook.

  Feeling awkward, he put a hand on her arm. “Sophe? Tell me what’s wrong.”

  She sat up and looked at him. The rims of her eyes were red, her nose running. She sniffed and wiped away smudges of mascara with her fingertips.

  Wade looked around for a tissue. Not finding one, he grabbed a crumpled dinner napkin off a tray on the cluttered coffee table. “Here.” He thrust it at her.

  She blew her nose and took a ragged breath. “Wade. I have nothing to offer the kids, nothing to offer you. It…it would only hurt your case if I got involved.”

  “That’s not true, Sophie. The kids––”

  “Stop!” she practically screamed at him.

  He pulled back and stared at her. Maybe she was high on something.

  Sophie jumped up and started pacing the length of the tiny room. “Listen to me, Wade. For once, just listen and quit offering your sorry little platitudes. The kids don’t need me and you know it.”

  He didn’t try to deny it.

  She sat back down on the sofa beside him. “I tried to tell you once before, and you wouldn’t listen. I’m going to tell you now, and I don’t ever want to discuss it again.”

  He waited.

  “I’ve done some unforgivable things in my past, Wade. You know some of it. But you don’t know the worst of it. When I came to Kansas I thought I was running away from my troubles. But now…well, I guess it’s impossible to
run away from some things.”

  Wade opened his mouth to protest, but she held up a hand.

  When she spoke, her voice was strong, determined. “I couldn’t be in your kids’ lives because…because Darrin Parnell––anything he could say would only convince a judge that the kids should be as far away from me as possible.”

  He wondered if someone had told her what Parnell’s attorney had said at the deposition hearing. “Sophie, if Darrin said one word about your problems back in Minneapolis, he’d be cutting his own throat.” He studied her. “You’re not back into that––the drugs––are you?”

  She shook her head. “No. But it’s not just the drugs, Wade. There’s stuff you don’t know. Bad stuff. Things…even Starr didn’t know. Thank God, Starr didn’t know.” The last words bled out from her, full of remorse and regret.

  “Like what?” Wade was almost afraid to hear.

  She hung her head. “It…It’s too awful.”

  “Sophie, I know you’re sick of hearing this, but it’s true. There is nothing so terrible that God can’t forgive.”

  Usually, Sophie bristled whenever he or Starr had brought up the subject of God, but now she sat quietly, seeming almost to lean in to his words.

  He brushed aside his curiosity long enough to continue. “Aren’t you tired of running? Aren’t you ready to give up? Turn it all over to God?”

  She put her head in her hands and started crying again. “Oh, Wade. Even if I could, it wouldn’t make any difference. There’s nothing I can do to help you now, to help Starr’s kids. Oh, God…”

  To Wade’s ears, the word sounded like a prayer rather than the curse she usually meant it to be. Oh, Father… Make yourself real to Sophie. Let her feel your presence. Let her open her heart to you, Lord.

  She beat her fist impotently on a faded throw pillow. “I was so stupid. So incredibly stupid.”

  Wade put a gentle hand on her back. “Let it go, Sophie. It doesn’t matter. He’s already forgiven it. All you have to do is reach out and accept it.” He sensed her vulnerability. And for now he truly didn’t care about anything but Sophie’s soul.

  “Wade…I…” She straightened and turned slightly to look at him.

  He folded his hands in his lap, waiting, praying.

  “I did something terrible…to Starr.” Her voice trembled.

  “What, Sophie? What do you mean?” Wade’s pulse quickened. For one blinding minute, he thought Sophie was confessing some unspeakable crime surrounding Starr’s death.

  But her voice took on a flat, dead tone, and the truth poured out. “I had an affair with Darrin. While he was married…to my sister.” The last word rose in a sorrowful wail, and Wade put an arm around her, stunned, yet limp with relief that she hadn’t said what he feared more.

  “He…Darrin was getting me drugs, and I…I couldn’t pay him. So he…found another way for me to pay off my––” She sucked in a gasping breath and collapsed against him, burying her face in his chest.

  Wade put a brotherly arm around her, his heart breaking for all the years she’d harbored such a terrible secret. Trying to keep the shock from his voice, he whispered, “It’s okay, Sophie. It’s over now. It’s all in the past. She would have forgiven you. Starr would have forgiven you and kept right on loving you. You know that.” A lump came to his throat, knowing how true his words were. Starr had had the purest, most forgiving heart of anyone he’d ever known.

  “How, Wade? How could she do that? I don’t understand. I think it’s true, but I don’t know how. I want to be like that. I want what she had.”

  Hope soared in his chest. “You can have it, Sophie. It’s what Starr wanted for you more than anything in the world. All you have to do is accept the gift.”

  “It’s Jesus, isn’t it? That’s what she always said.”

  “Yes, Sophie. It’s Jesus.”

  Her eyes narrowed, and he saw fear reflected there. “It’s too easy,” she said. “That can’t be all there is to it.”

  “That’s all. The work was finished when God sent his son to die––for you.”

  “I want it, Wade. I want it so bad. But I’m afraid. What if God says no?”

  Wade gave a soft laugh. “Sophie, this is the one prayer God has never said no to. Never in all eternity.”

  “Then I want it,” she said simply. An eager light shone in her eyes. “Will you help me ask?”

  His throat was too full to respond with words. He could only nod and bow his head next to hers.

  Chapter 40

  Wade spotted Sophie the minute he walked into the café. She had her back to him, but when she turned to pour coffee at a booth across from the door, he immediately noticed there was something different. Her face shone as she spoke to the elderly couple in the booth. And her eyes had a sparkle to them that he couldn’t remember ever seeing there.

  It had been a long journey to faith for her, but watching her now, he guessed her commitment was real, that it had already made a difference in her life.

  Sophie poured coffee for another customer and looked up from the booth. When she saw Wade, she beamed and started toward him. His heart filled with gratitude. Thank you, Lord. How he wished Starr could have lived to see her sister’s transformation.

  “You’re all dressed up,” she said, looking him up and down. Then her face fell. “Oh…did you have another hearing?”

  “Just a meeting with my lawyer. Can you take a break?”

  She glanced around the café. “Sure. Give me two minutes. You can take a booth.” She motioned him to a corner by the window.

  He slid onto the bench seat and sat there watching her make the rounds to her tables, before bringing the coffeepot over. “You want some?”

  “Please.” He studied her as she filled his mug. “You look…good,” he said when she caught him staring.

  She smiled softly. “I am good, Wade. Real good. I’ve got a long ways to go, but I think…I think I get it now.”

  “I’m glad. Starr would have been so happy.”

  “I think she knows.” She looked at him, a question in her eyes. “Don’t you? I…I’ve been reading…her Bible. There’s a lot of stuff I don’t understand, but I think Starr knows about me.”

  He nodded. “I think she does too.”

  She fiddled with a packet of Sweet’N Low. “I’ve been wanting to tell you. I know it’s probably too late for me to help you––you know, as far as the kids are concerned. I’m sorry about that. Sorrier than you could ever know. But if…if everything goes like it should, I’d like to see them more.”

  “They’d like that, Sophie. And so would I.” Oh, Father, please don’t let her down. Give her another chance to get to know the kids.

  “So when will you find out? Soon, right? Don’t you have to go to court again?”

  “Yes. A week from next Monday.”

  A shadow crossed her face. “You scared?”

  He toyed with his napkin. “A little bit. Parnell could get them, Sophie. It’s a strong possibility.”

  “I don’t think God would let that happen.”

  Oh, for such a pure, fresh faith. He hesitated, not wanting to quash her newfound hope. “Sophie, God’s not… He doesn’t always work things out the way we think they should work out.”

  “But I know God loves those kids. And he’s watching over them. He knows they’ve had more than their share of heartache.”

  “Yes. He does.”

  Sophie reached across the table and patted his hand. “I’m praying hard, Wade. I’m trusting God. I know he’ll answer our prayers. I just feel it.”

  “I hope so, Sophie.” Oh, dear God, I hope so.

  Wade stood in the doorway of Beau’s room and let his gaze rove from the Kansas City Royals pennants between the windows to the denim quilt hanging on one wall, and finally, to the frieze of stars and planets Starr had painted on the wall across from the bed. Would that straw-headed, ornery-eyed boy ever sleep in this bed again? Please, God… Please.

  He fli
pped off the light and moved to the bedroom the girls shared. He remembered the night Beau had helped him haul Dani’s bed and mattress in here because she didn’t want to sleep by herself. It seemed like an eternity ago. Would Lacey and Dani ever giggle together in this room again? Would he ever have the privilege of throwing up his hands in frustration over a clutter of baby dolls and dress-up clothes scattered from one end of the room to the other? Please, Father. Please don’t let me lose them.

  He looked up at the ceiling Starr had painted with glow-in-the-dark paint. When he switched off the light, the words twinkled to life: Cast all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.

  Could Starr have known as she was lovingly tracing words of wisdom on these walls, that they would be her legacy to her children––and to him? But if Starr’s children never slept under his roof again, could he bear to walk into these rooms and look at her handiwork? Cast all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.

  I’m trying, Lord. Help me to lay it all at your feet.

  He plodded down the hallway and put a hand on the doorknob of the room where he’d found Starr’s lifeless body. The room that was to have held so much love, so much laughter. He opened the door and flipped on the light. Here, Starr’s words held no comfort for him, no happy memories. Instead, they were only a sharp reminder of all he’d lost. Grow old along with me…the best is yet to be. He stared at the phrase for a long moment, his throat constricting. Her beautifully scripted calligraphy seemed to taunt him.

  The empty room was much as he’d left it the day he’d found her lying here. It was ridiculous for him to still be sleeping on a sofa bed downstairs while four perfectly good bedrooms went to waste upstairs, but he could not bring himself to sleep in this room, surrounded by these mocking words.

  His gaze was drawn to the can of yellow paint Starr had used on the walls in the master bedroom. It was still sitting on the floor under the windows where she’d left it, ready for touch-ups.