by Tessa Teevan
Living.
“Sierra, I love you, and I’ll do whatever it takes. Anything you need. But I can’t do this on my own. If you need someone to watch Ava while I’m at work, I can ask your mom. Whatever you want, whatever you need. But I refuse walking into another scene like this one again.”
My heart faltered. My initial reaction was to scream, “Yes!” and I hated myself for it. Guilt burned deep in my belly, and I was so tired of feeling that way. Jeremy was reaching out to me, and after weeks of pushing him away, I realized how tired I was. How much I missed him. And he was right. He couldn’t do this on his own. Neither could I.
So I blinked twice, shook my head, and watched as he exhaled a sigh of relief. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.
Jeremy’s expression softened, and he shifted a now-sleeping Ava to his other shoulder. “Baby, you don’t have to be sorry. For anything. Just be here. That’s all we need.”
I nodded and let his words sink in deep. It’d take some time and a whole lot of effort, but I promised myself that I would do as Jeremy had requested. I’d be there.
Then, for the first time in weeks, he placed Ava in my arms. She settled into my embrace, giving off a sweet sigh.
And, for the first time in weeks, I smiled. It wasn’t overwhelmingly big or bright, but it was enough.
Eventually, we’d be okay. I just needed to remember that.
AFTER MY EXCHANGE WITH Jeremy, I’d like to say things got easier, but they didn’t. I did, however, try harder to be present. Little did I know, our worlds were about to be rocked in an entirely different heartbreaking way.
I’ll never forget the day I got the phone call. Jeremy was getting ready for work, and Ava was unusually still fast asleep. I was making his coffee and preparing his lunch, trying to get myself back into a routine, hoping it’d put me back in a place of normalcy.
I had no idea that, when I picked up my phone, Mom would be hysterical and sobbing on the other line. Dad had to take the phone from her, and even he could barely choke the words out.
“Sierra… There’s been an accident. Oh, God.” He paused, and I could hear their sniffles. “Sweetheart, it’s Ty. He’s…he’s gone.”
My breath caught. “What?” I asked, hoping it was some kind of sick joke.
“Car accident. Lexi’s in a coma in Indiana,” he continued.
The phone slipped from my fingers, clattering to the counter as I braced myself against it. Jeremy must’ve seen the look of pure shock on my face, and instant panic set in on his. He rushed across the room and snatched the phone up. I barely heard his hushed whispers. I was in a daze, already going through the motions of getting my things together because we had to hit the road immediately.
They say terrible things come in threes, and I was terrified that the saying was going to come true for our family. First, it was my unborn baby. Now, it was Ty. And the third… It could be my baby sister.
Jeremy got off the phone and found me in the room, packing an overnight bag. He crossed the room and pulled me into his embrace before placing a kiss on the top of my head.
“Jeremy.” Tears overpowered my resolve and I clutched him tight, sobbing into his chest, giving myself a moment before I calmed myself as best I could. When I looked up at him, his own eyes were swimming with devastated tears.
He nodded, and his jaw tightened—he had no words. I didn’t, either. So, instead, we dropped Ava off with his parents, who’d moved to Ohio when Ava was born, and made our way to Indiana, unaware of what was going to greet us.
Lexi was battered and bruised, but she was alive. For three excruciatingly long days, I sat by her bedside. Not eating. Not sleeping. Not feeling a thing. Even when Jeremy tried to coax me to a hotel, I refused.
And then, finally, Lexi opened her eyes. It was a blessing and a curse. A blessing because my sister had lived. A curse because I saw the devastation in her eyes when she found out about Ty.
She wished she hadn’t.
She didn’t think I understood when I tried to calm her or soothe her pain. She’d come to say as much. But that was my own fault. She had no idea I’d been dealing with my own loss. And she had no idea how much hers would affect my future.
Two weeks later, Lexi was settling in at home. I wanted her to stay with me and Jeremy, and Mom wanted her to stay at their house, but she insisted she go home and get back to normal, even though her normal would never be the same. I understood, which was why I didn’t push it. She wanted to be in the place where she had her memories. So, instead of disagreeing, I showed up every morning for coffee, even if she didn’t want me around.
Most of the time, she was curled up on the couch in Ty’s old robe. She wasn’t very mobile due to her injuries, and she claimed all she wanted to do was watch mind-numbing television. She didn’t talk about him. Ever. Not even after she’d found out that his mother had held a funeral before she’d even been awake. She didn’t say a word when I told her about Jeremy threatening to steal his damaged body until Lexi was able to say her proper goodbyes. When we’d told her about the funeral, she’d simply blinked back tears and nodded. The dazed expression she had when she’d woken up returned. She’d lost her husband and the chance to ever say a proper goodbye.
I’d never been more heartbroken in my life.
When she grabbed a bottle of wine from the pantry, I raised an eyebrow.
“Aren’t you still on pain medication?” I asked.
She scoffed. “Who cares? It’s all the same. It takes away the pain. Or, at least, it’s supposed to.” She poured herself a healthy glass then lifted it in the air as if to toast. “To twenty-six-year-old widows.”
“Lexi,” I whispered and watched as her face scrunched up.
“I’m twenty-six, Sierra! I’m not supposed to be a widow. Ty’s supposed to be here, growing old with me. We were supposed to have the rest of our lives together. Now, I have nothing! I have no one!” she wailed, her shoulders shaking as her sobs racked through her. “All I have left of Ty is a fucking cat I never wanted.”
Toby meowed then rubbed his legs against Lexi as if he hadn’t heard a word. I had to bite my lower lip to keep my own sob from bubbling up. The last thing she needed was my own sadness. When she looked up at me, the urge to cry was even stronger. Her eyes were rimmed with red, her face stained with tears.
“I love that fucking cat. He’s all I have left of Ty.” She sniffled. Then her eyes met mine. “Part of me is glad it happened instantaneously. That he didn’t suffer for a single second. But I never got to say goodbye. I’ll never…” She broke down, leaving her sentence unfinished.
The truth was I echoed her sentiment. As hard as it was, if it had been Ty’s time to go, I was glad he’d gone quickly.
“Sierra, do you… Do you think he knew how much I loved him?”
Her question startled me. I couldn’t believe she was finally talking about him.
“Of course—” I began, but she cut me off.
“No!” Her outburst took me aback. “You don’t understand. We’d been fighting that day. We were supposed to be leaving for a romantic weekend getaway, but instead, we were arguing in the car. What if he left this Earth with me mad at him? And him mad at me?”
My heart shattered. God, time was so precious, and life was so cruel.
I hurried to her and wrapped her in my arms. “Oh, honey. He knew. No matter how bad you fought, Ty always knew how much you loved him. And he loved you so much. So, so much.”
She clung to me, hanging on for dear life. If she needed me to be her lifeline, I’d gladly do it.
“He did,” she said with a hiccup. “He gave me what I always wanted, you know. I wanted what you and Jeremy had, and with Ty, he gave me that.”
“I know, honey. I know. It’s all going to be okay.” The words sounded hollow even in my ears, but it was all I could say.
She shook her head. “No, Sierra, you’re wrong. I’ll never be okay again.”
Lexi thought that was the truth. And, as she laid
her head on my shoulder and settled in, the shards of my shattered heart cut deep.
The whole time, I couldn’t get my mind off my own family and how thankful I was to still have a loving husband and a beautiful daughter. I wanted to run home, hold Ava for hours, and never let her go. I’d spend my night thanking God for my beautiful family and promising to cherish them for the rest of my life.
I probably should’ve felt shame for finding my own sense of peace in the wake of Lexi’s chaos, but I didn’t. It’d be a long process for me, but it finally hit me. I had Jeremy. I had Ava. Though the loss of our unborn baby was devastating, I had to hold on to them.
Lexi’s situation opened my eyes, took away all the haze, and allowed me to see clearly again. I couldn’t wallow in my grief and let life pass me by. The loss of Ty taught me that and so much more.
Love was constant. Love was also fleeting. In the blink of an eye, love could be taken away, ripped from a tight embrace, never to return. I needed to hold on to those I loved most. I needed to return to the land of the living, because I was now firmly aware that we had to live each moment as if it were our last. And my last moments weren’t going to be in a daze, holding my husband and my daughter at arm’s length.
Ever since we’d gotten home from the hospital, I’d clung to Jeremy. We’d witnessed the aftermath of a love lost, and at the end of the day, we held each other a little tighter. I might not have been over our loss, but Lexi’s had put mine into perspective. I still had my husband. I still had our beautiful baby girl. I knew part of me would always grieve, but I also knew I had to celebrate living with those who were still with me. It was going to be a long, difficult road, surely full of bumps we’d hit along the way, but I had the greatest support team. I just had to remember that.
I learned that, when life hands you lessons, you don’t turn your back on them. You heed the call; you learn. I was going to do that. Ty’s death was a wakeup call. I couldn’t help but wonder what if it had happened to me. To Jeremy. What if I’d lost him after I’d shut him out for far too long? I would’ve never forgiven myself, and I knew, no matter how much pain I was going through, I needed to reach out and take hold of my precious family, thankful they were still with me.
When I got home from Lexi’s, all was quiet. Light illuminated the living room, and I tiptoed in to see Jeremy and Ava curled up on the couch. Jaws—yes, Jaws—was on the television. Pain burned as a vivid memory of Ty and Ava curled upon that very couch flashed in my mind. I shook it out of my head and focused on the two in front of me. Jeremy was sound asleep; Ava was not. Her eyes lit up when she saw me and sleepily lifted her arms, giving me a grin that matched her father’s.
I smiled and sighed.
How could I ever not love my life?
She leapt into my arms, giggling as she snuggled into me. “Missed you, Mommy,” she whispered.
A silent tear slid down my cheek. Her words weren’t lost on me, even if she meant them simply. I’d missed me, too. I’d missed this.
So, when she insisted I read her a bedtime story, I took my time with Goodnight Moon and watched her for a while after she had fallen fast asleep. I would never take this for granted again.
Jeremy was still passed out on the couch when I finally left Ava’s room. I went to our own and prepared myself in the shower before slipping on my sexiest teddy. It had been far too long since I’d made love with my husband, and I was fixing that now.
Showered, shaved, plucked, and lotioned, I was primed and ready. My body ached as need hit me. Too many weeks had passed since the last time I’d given Jeremy any form of intimacy, and now my body wanted him in the worst way.
So, the moment I stepped out of the bathroom to wake him up, my nipples pebbled when I saw him standing in the bedroom, rubbing his eyes.
“Holy shit. Am I dreaming?” he asked sleepily before tossing me a grin and crossing to me. He turned me around to face the mirror beside the dresser, slipping his arms around my waist and placing his hands on my belly. “I’ve missed you, baby,” he whispered as he nuzzled against my neck.
We stood there in silence, facing the mirror. I was looking at our reflection; he was raptly staring at me.
I was the luckiest woman in the world, and I’d never forget it.
Turning around, I wove my arms around his neck and gazed up into his eyes. “You’re my sun, too, Jeremy. Without you, there’s no me. You’re the light in my life, and for too long, I’ve been in the dark. Bring me back into your orbit. Please,” I whispered. Then I bit my lip, hoping I hadn’t pushed him too far away.
When he grinned down at me, I knew I hadn’t.
When he swooped me up into his arms and carried me to the bed, my belly tightened with anticipation.
When he slowly sank into me and closed his eyes, savoring our connection, I knew I was home.
Back where I belonged. I would never leave again.
And, later on, when Jeremy held me tight, I realized how we had to grieve. Just like we did everything else—together.
Together, we’d begin to heal.
I only prayed that, one day, Lexi would be able to do the same.
We didn’t know what was in store for the future, but if Lexi’s time came again, I wouldn’t hesitate to give her a nudge.
When I woke up and Ava wasn’t on the couch with me, I’d frantically searched for her. I found her sound asleep in her bed, her current favorite bedtime story on the nightstand next to her. Sierra must’ve come in without waking me, and next, I found myself going in search of my wife. Half expecting to find her in the same state as Ava, I was prepared to climb into bed beside her.
Since the accident, she’d finally turned to me. In my arms, she seemingly found comfort, even if she didn’t say the words. Still, it’d been so long since she’d let me love her that, when I walked into our bedroom and she walked out of the bathroom at the same time in her favorite teal lingerie, my heart nearly stopped beating. It was as if I were seeing her for the first time. My heart couldn’t handle such exquisite beauty.
Beauty that was mine.
No words were said, but I knew the truth. My wife was back, and I’d do everything in my power to make sure she never left again. That she never wanted to. Whatever I had to do to be the arms she turned to whenever she needed.
In the weeks following Ty’s death, I’d done a lot of reflection, wondering how and if I could ever endure what Lexi was currently dealing with. Love was eternal, sure. But eternal was relative, wasn’t it? At any given time, we could be taken from the Earth, so what mattered was that we lived our lives to fullest, loved the hardest, so that when our time was up, we’d go with no regrets. I wanted that with Sierra. I had that with Sierra. All I knew was our love would last a lifetime—however long that’d be for us-- and she’d never, not for a single second, doubt how I felt.
I spent the rest of the night showing her just how loved, cherished, worshipped, and adored she was and would forever be.
The best part?
She let me.
The whole time, however, there was a faint sadness in my heart. After all was said and done, Sierra was finally asleep in my arms. She’d reached out to me, finally, and I should’ve been relaxed, happy I had my wife back.
But all I could think about was Ty.
Don’t get me wrong. I was relieved as hell that Sierra was letting me back in.
But how fucking ironic was it that it took Lexi losing her husband for Sierra to return to me?
As she slept soundly in my arms for the first time in weeks, I promised myself and Ty that I’d look after our girls. There would be a lot of pain. A lot of grief. A hell of a lot of heartache. But they’d never be alone. We hadn’t been the closest of brothers-in-law, but he was family. My heart was torn into pieces by his loss. Our lives, our family, would never be the same, and I had no idea how to deal with it. Just that I had to. I’d endure all of it right along with Sierra and Lexi, giving them as much strength as they needed while taking whatever pain I coul
d.
It wouldn’t be easy. Fuck, it’d be hard as hell, but I’d do it. I’d do whatever I had to.
FOR THE FIRST TIME in weeks—hell, months—I woke from a dreamless, restful sleep. It was as if my body and my mind knew Jeremy had been holding me all through the night, and I was completely content.
I stretched out on the bed, frowning when my hand landed on the cool sheet where my husband should have been. Just as I was sitting up to survey the room, Jeremy walked in with a tray of food.
I burst into tears.
He frowned, set it down, then rushed to my side of the bed.
I shook my head. “I’m fine,” I whispered, but he didn’t look convinced.
“Mom picked up Ava a little bit ago. I thought we could spend the morning alone,” he said, and I was touched by his thoughtfulness. Then he bit his lip. “After last night…I thought, I don’t know. Maybe we could talk.” He ran a hand through his hair.
My heart squeezed. How could I have created this awkwardness between us? I hated it, and I had to get rid of it.
But he beat me to the punch. “I know things around here have been pretty awful. But…Ava needs you, Sierra. Lexi needs you.” Jeremy’s voice was strained. The depths of his sadness tore my heart apart.
“What about you, Jeremy? Do you need me, too?”
The question hung in the air between us, and I mentally kicked myself for even asking it.
He climbed onto the bed and drew me into his lap. The scent of his familiar body wash poured over me, enveloping me in a comforting cocoon. One I’d been hiding from. And I no longer knew the reason why. Because his touch? It was exactly what I needed, and he did need me. I’d been selfish and cruel to withdraw from him the way I had. He deserved so much more.
His hands cupped my cheeks as his eyes searched mine. Tears threatened as I wondered if our baby would’ve had those same copper ones.
“Sierra.” His voice was pained. Breathless.
My heart hammered as I awaited his response.