Tomorrow and Always

by Rachel Ann Nunes

  Damon handed her his cellular phone. “Call if you’re worried.”

  The thought of talking to Malcolm frightened Karissa. “Could you talk to Malcolm?” she asked hesitantly.

  Damon studied her for a long moment without speaking. Then he nodded.

  She dialed the number and handed back the phone. “Don’t—please don’t tell him I’m here.”

  His yellow-brown eyes bore into her, full of questions that he didn’t ask.

  “Room four-oh-three, please,” he said into the phone. “Malcolm? Hi, Damon here. Is everything all right? How’s Steph?” There was a long pause. “A web in her stomach? Oh.” Another pause. “That’s good they can fix it. Can I do anything for you? Okay, let me know. You’re welcome. Bye.”

  He clicked the phone shut and put it down. Silence. Why doesn’t he say something? Karissa thought. “How’s Steph?”

  “Sleeping.” The engine still purred, but Damon made no move to put the car into gear. “Why didn’t you want to talk to your husband, Karissa?” he asked in that same careful voice.

  “We had a fight—no, a problem.”

  Damon watched her. “I know it’s none of my business, but is there anything I can do to help?”

  “You could take away the past,” Karissa said bitterly.

  “Karissa, you’re making no sense! This isn’t like you.”

  She snorted. “You know so little of the real me. Just like Malcolm. You might as well know—everyone else does, or soon will.” She glared at him defiantly, but inside she felt a wrenching sadness. Now Damon would also look at her with revulsion and disappointment. “I had an abortion before I married Malcolm,” she continued before her courage failed. “I never told him.”

  Damon blinked twice, but that was all. “How old were you?”

  “I was sixteen. But what does it matter? I knew I was wrong. I knew it was murder.”

  An odd expression filled Damon’s face. “What about your parents?”

  “They never knew. I went all alone.”

  “And the father?”

  Karissa pushed her hair back from her face. “He gave me the money for the abortion.”

  Damon’s face changed now, and it was an expression Karissa recognized. Anger! Disgust! She closed her eyes and waited for it to rip into her.

  He grabbed her hand. “What a horrible thing to face alone. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”

  Her eyes snapped open. Her shock must have shown in her face because Damon continued earnestly. “Sixteen. Sixteen years old and alone! You can’t condemn yourself forever.”

  “I did it, Damon. It was my choice.”

  “What if he had stayed by you?”

  Karissa’s voice was hardly more than a whisper. “I would have run away with him. I would have had my baby.”

  She gripped Damon’s hand as if his touch alone kept her alive. “I hate my father,” she said. “Why couldn’t he just love me? Why couldn’t I have told him? I needed him.” She began to sob.

  Damon pulled her close and patted her back. “I can’t answer for your father, Karissa. But I do know the Savior loves you.”

  “It’s too late.”

  “I don’t believe that. That’s not what the gospel teaches. You were so young—can you honestly say that you understood the consequences?”

  She waved his words aside. “Malcolm will never forgive me.”

  Damon’s lips curled. “Then he’s a fool! You’re the best thing that ever happened to him, and if he’s too blind to see it, well, I’m not. I don’t blame you for what happened in the past. I know you now. You’re a good person.”

  “What do you know about it?” she said through her tears.

  He took his arm away from her shoulders and grasped both her hands. “I know that if it had been you and me all those years ago, I would have married you and loved you and supported you. You wouldn’t have had to make the choice you did. No, don’t look away.” He turned her face toward him. “I’m still willing to do that. I love you, Kar! I have for a long time.”

  “But—” Karissa’s tears had ceased, almost as if an internal tap had been shut off. She blinked, feeling her mouth open slightly, unbelievingly.

  His hand moved to stroke her temple. “You’re so beautiful to me, Kar,” he whispered, his voice growing husky. “And smart and funny and intelligent. And beautiful. Oh, I guess I already said that one. Did you know that your sweater exactly matches your eyes?”

  The fading light from outside the car filtered in and reflected off Damon’s blonde hair. She’d never noticed how kind his face was, or how strong. He looked a lot like she imagined an angel would look. Her angel.

  Except this angel wasn’t following the rules.

  She pushed his hand away. “Damon, you don’t understand. I’m married to Malcolm, and no matter what problems we’re going through right now, my commitment to him is first, above all. You shouldn’t be saying such things to me, and I shouldn’t be listening.” She remembered Jesse and Malcolm talking about how new members often had difficulty understanding how the missionaries were off limits for romantic relationships until someone explained it to them. Damon was a relatively new member, but surely he understood that his feelings for her were wrong and that voicing them was a greater sin. Even as an inactive member, she understood where this conversation could lead and what the consequences might be. She’d been down a similar path before, and she wouldn’t repeat it. “Think about how important covenants are in the Church—especially marriage covenants! I know you’ve only been a member a short time, Damon, but you must understand that we can’t be here together, talking like this.”

  His face turned ashen. “I’m sorry,” he said with such remorse that she almost regretted the vehemence with which she had spoken. “You’re right. I am truly sorry. I’m completely out of line. The last thing I wanted to do was add to your problems. I simply wanted you to know that I love you just the way you are.” He raised a hand. “No, Kar, let me finish, and then I’ll never bring it up again. I promise. Please, hear me out!”

  She inclined her head slightly, and he continued. “You need to know that you are worthy of anyone’s love. Satan would have you believe that you’re lost, that there is no escape or relief. He wants you to be in despair and to give up. He wants you to think you’re evil, even when you’re not. Most of all, he wants you to believe that you’re no longer loved. But it’s a lie, Kar. A big lie. I believe in the Savior. I believe in His redemption. I believe He loves you. Like I do.” Without waiting for a reply, he turned from her and flipped the car into gear.

  They drove to the hospital in silence as Karissa pondered Damon’s confession, marveling that the frantic anger possessing her had disappeared in the face of his love. Even after knowing about the abortion, he loved her! And how do you feel about him? a voice inside her asked, unbidden.

  She thought hard, unmindful of the progress they made through the cold, wet streets. The many times she’d worked with Damon filtered through her mind—the laughter, the friendship, the trust, the acceptance. Why couldn’t Malcolm be like more like Damon? Thoughts of her husband steered her back to common sense. She liked Damon and enjoyed being with him, and perhaps she could even grow to love him, but what was happening right now was between her and Malcolm. He was her husband, and she wanted to be with him.

  Relief flooded her being, almost a spiritual feeling, though Karissa dismissed such a notion. She felt too soiled at the knowledge of her own guilt to expect help from the Lord. Her confused feelings for Damon only added to her burden, while at the same time, knowing he cared gave her comfort.

  “Thank you,” she said to Damon when they arrived at the hospital.

  “Remember what I said about the Lord forgiving you,” he told her as she stepped from the car. “I meant every word.”

  Karissa nodded and turned away.

  “Wait, your magazine.”

  Karissa went to Steph’s room, the rolled Ensign in her hands. Malcolm looked
up. “She’s awake,” he said tonelessly. “Do you want to feed her?”

  Karissa dropped the Ensign on the table and took Stephanie in her arms. “Hi, sweetie, Mommy’s back.”

  Malcolm stood. “I’m going to stretch my legs.”

  Damon still cares for me, Karissa wanted to say. Why can’t you? Instead, she nodded and watched Malcolm leave the room without once having looked her in the eye.

  Karissa held Steph tighter. “I’ve lost him,” she said to her daughter. “Please don’t let me lose you, too.”

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  He’d lost Karissa, and it was all her fault! A mountain-size portion of hurt and anger made Malcolm stay away from Stephanie’s room until late that night. Instead of finding Karissa and Stephanie asleep, he found his wife attempting to clean throw-up from the floor using her foot and a towel, while his daughter cried feebly in her arms.

  “She doesn’t keep anything down,” Karissa said, her voice full of panic. “I don’t know what to do!”

  Malcolm felt pity and a certain measure of guilt for leaving Karissa to face this alone, but her betrayal blotted out most of those kinder feelings. He helped Karissa clean up the milk. It didn’t smell sour, and he knew it hadn’t spent much time in the baby’s stomach.

  “This is the fourth time since you left,” Karissa said. “I keep changing her clothes.” Malcolm saw that her own clothes were soaked, and the various wet parts were at different stages of drying. “It’s my fault,” she added dully.

  Her face crumpled, and Malcolm almost went to her, but before he could act, her mouth clenched tight and her expression became rigid. The pity in him died. She was right: it was her fault.

  They spent an uncomfortable night, with neither getting much sleep. When Stephanie threw up, they cleaned it with towels the nurses gave them and rocked the baby back to sleep. They didn’t talk. During the early morning hours, Malcolm heard Karissa moaning. “No! I didn’t let you fall! Please, please don’t die!”

  Karissa shuddered and jolted to consciousness. Again Malcolm felt something in his heart other than the terrible anger, and if his wife had reached out to him, he would have held her close and stroked her long, silky hair. The desire to comfort her grew, but Karissa made no move toward him. It’s just as well, he thought. It’ll be easier this way.

  Easier to do what? his inner self mocked. Malcolm didn’t know; he hadn’t thought that far. He only knew that Karissa had destroyed their marriage by her secret sins.

  There was no window in their room, but the increasing activity of the nurses told them Thursday morning had finally crept into sight. Karissa’s eyes were red and swollen, and Malcolm wondered when she had cried; he hadn’t heard her.

  “Look at her arm,” Karissa said, her voice gruff from disuse.

  Stephanie’s right arm had doubled in size where the IV needle pierced the skin. Karissa called a nurse. “It looks fine,” the young woman said after examining the arm.

  “Fine?” Karissa said. “It’s swollen. Just about all the nourishment my daughter is getting is from this IV,” she said. “It’s not normal to be this swollen.”

  “I see it’s swollen, but the needle seems to be in fine,” the nurse said. But she was hesitant now, and Malcolm wondered if she was still in training.

  “I want to see a doctor,” Karissa asserted.

  The doctor who came was one they didn’t recognize. He examined Stephanie and told the nurse to change the IV to the left arm because the solution was no longer going into the baby’s vein. It took the nurse three tries with the needle, but Stephanie seemed to rest more easily with the saline and electrolytes once again pumping into her vein.

  Without warning, Karissa spoke, “My father’s coming soon. I don’t know when. I’d—” She glanced up at him, and the sadness in her beautiful eyes made Malcolm want to weep. He wanted to hold and love her. He wanted all this to be far behind them. Why couldn’t he let it go? “I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t tell him anything about . . . about us . . . and all.”

  “Our relationship is none of your father’s business,” he answered. He pictured Karissa’s stern father and wondered why she had asked him to come. He thought she hated the man. “When did you call him?”

  “Brionney did.” There was no anger or feeling in her voice at all.

  Both lapsed into silence.

  Damon came into the room a short while later, looking rested and eager. “Hi, Kar, Malcolm,” he said. “I’ve brought you breakfast. I want to know if I can baby-sit while you two go for a break.”

  Karissa shook her head and looked at the crib, where she’d laid Stephanie only moments before. “I’m not leaving her.” She met Damon’s gaze, and Malcolm saw something personal pass between them. Anger flared in his heart, but he couldn’t pinpoint what emotion they shared. He felt excluded, an outsider.

  “Everything’s going to be okay, Kar.” Damon touched her arm, and Karissa didn’t pull away. Suspicions tumbled through Malcolm’s mind. Could they be more than friends?

  He scowled at Damon, who met his gaze without flinching. “You’re a lucky man,” Damon said. There was an insinuation there that Malcolm couldn’t ignore.

  “If only you knew,” he said bitterly. And he meant it. If Damon Wolfe knew what sins Karissa had committed and what agony she was causing her family, he wouldn’t look at her with such longing and admiration.

  “I know Karissa,” Damon said lightly. “And that’s enough. I trust her.”

  So had Malcolm—once, and look where that had led him. He opened his mouth to continue this subtle war with the man who had now become his overt enemy, but a sudden intake of breath drew his gaze back to his wife. Karissa stared at the door, the remaining color draining from her already pale face. Her jaw set and she lifted her head high. “Hello,” she said.

  “Karissa.” Her mother crossed the room and pulled her daughter into a hug. Sharon Apple was a slender woman; and it was from her that Karissa had inherited her willowy figure and graceful movements. There were strands of gray in Sharon’s brown hair, cut just above her shoulders, and her face was heavily lined from years of stress. “I’ve missed you. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Why didn’t you call sooner? I’ve missed you so much!”

  “I missed you too, Mom,” Karissa said in a small voice.

  Warren Apple watched as his wife and daughter tried to condense the last few years into a single conversation. He was tall like Karissa and had the same green eyes. Malcolm had never noticed any other similarity between them, but today their faces wore the same hard expression. Malcolm saw with a strange satisfaction that Warren had gained weight since he’d last seen him, and it showed in his face and stomach. The man who had so opposed their civil wedding wasn’t as intimidating as he had been years ago. Malcolm wondered what his father-in-law’s face would show if he told them Karissa’s secret.

  “It’s good to see you, Father.” Karissa proffered her cheek with none of the warmth that she’d shown in her greeting with her mother. Malcolm noticed that she spoke to her father in the same cold, expressionless voice she’d used to address Malcolm since her confession. The realization didn’t sit well on his empty stomach.

  Karissa introduced Damon to her parents. “Pleased to meet you,” they said automatically.

  Damon walked toward the door. “If you’ll excuse me?” To Malcolm’s mind, he seemed reluctant to leave, but Malcolm was grateful for the privacy. “Let me know if you need me for anything.”

  Karissa nodded. “We will. And thanks.”

  After his departure, Karissa’s parents filled the ensuing silence with trivialities about Karissa’s siblings and their lives. “We’re going on a mission soon,” Sharon said, “now that all the children have left and your dad’s retired.”

  Malcolm saw a momentary surprise in Karissa’s expression before she squelched the reaction. “How wonderful,” she murmured.

  When the small talk had dribbled to its inevitable conclusion, Malcolm walk
ed them out to their rental car and gave them directions to the hotel they had booked. On his way back to the room, he ran into Damon.

  “Is everything all right?” Damon asked.

  Malcolm knew he did a poor job of stifling his irritation at the man’s constant interference. “Yes,” he replied, reminding himself that it was Damon who’d found the help they needed for Stephanie.

  Damon studied him for a full minute before continuing. “I know you don’t like me,” he said, “so let’s drop the pretense. I have to tell you that I hate the way you’re treating Karissa.”

  “It’s none of your business,” Malcolm retorted. “You know nothing about our relationship. She’s my wife.”

  “She has made that very clear. But I feel it is my business how you treat her, because I care about her, too.”

  “You stay away from us,” Malcolm warned.

  Damon shook his head. “I’ll be here if Karissa needs me. I’m her friend.”

  “Needs you?” Malcolm sneered. “She doesn’t need anyone.”

  “Can one mistake be so serious?” Damon said. “Tell me, is it your sense of morality that Karissa wounded, or your ego?” He laughed without mirth. “You have a lot to learn about real love.”

  Karissa told Damon? When? Before Malcolm could speak, Damon turned on his heel and stalked away.

  Malcolm thought about running after the man but decided against it. Instead, he went for a long walk. He thought about the way Damon had looked at Karissa, and about how she had lied to him. All this time, she’d kept this secret. Not only had she slept with another man, she took a helpless life. How could he forgive her for that? Maybe it was just as well that Damon was around. She needed somebody, and at the moment Malcolm couldn’t find any love for her in his heart.

  He returned to the hospital when it began to rain. Karissa looked up as he entered the room, but she quickly buried her nose in the Ensign she’d brought back the day before. Stephanie was in her crib and Malcolm picked her up, gently rocking her and wishing he could make her better with the strength of his love. So tiny, Malcolm thought. It could have been yesterday that you were born.