When Fate Isn't Enough

by Isabelle Richards

  “I want to go first,” I insist. “I’ll start by saying, shopping for you is impossible. There’s nothing you need, and anything you want, you just get for yourself. You definitely don’t have this, though.” I raise my eyebrows suggestively. “I know I’m supposed to get a tattoo, but we both know I’m never going to do that. I thought this made a fair compromise.”

  He shakes the box and turns it over a few times. “Trying to figure it out?” I ask.

  He nods with a chuckle. “It isn’t often someone can surprise me, but I have to say, I have no idea what’s in here.”

  “Well, open it and see. The suspense is killing me!”

  He opens the box and sees the album cover in the design of the British flag.

  “You bought me something with Union Jack. It’s not a tattoo on your ass, but I like it already.”

  “Keep going, it gets better.”

  I wish I had pictures of him as he turns the pages. His eyes get wide. His jaw falls slack, a flush covers his cheeks, and he seems breathless. He looks at each page carefully, as though he is savoring each image. The silence is awkward for me, but watching his reactions makes it worth it.

  After looking at the last picture, he swallows and closes the album.

  “So what do you say? Am I off the hook for the tattoo?”

  “Bloody hell, Lily. I—” For once, Gavin Edwards is actually speechless.

  “Cat got your tongue?” I say seductively.

  He walks over to an end table and places the book down gently, as if it’s fragile. He stares at me with an intensity that makes my body shiver, and he stalks back to bed, never breaking eye contact.

  “Best. Present. Ever.”

  He attacks me with a kiss. My robe disappears, and within seconds, he’s plunging deep inside me. His eyes roll back and he lets out a quiet moan, like a heroin addict who just got a long-awaited fix. Despite the fact we’ve been having sex all afternoon, he looks as if he’s starving for me. He pounds into me as though he’s on a mission, all his energy committed to burying himself inside me. Our connection’s powerful and fierce, the action almost violent in its intensity. We have had sex countless times but never like this. I’m consumed by his passion and desire, every part of my body coming alive. After we reach our climax, we lay tangled up in each other, breathless and slick with sweat.

  “Holy hell, Gavin. That was… there aren’t words for what that was. I’ve never seen you like that. Not that I’m complaining.”

  He brushes a piece of hair out of my eyes. “Those pictures… Oh my God, Lily, those pictures. You’re Aphrodite. A temptress with seduction beyond description. All I could think about was how this insanely sexy creature was mine. I’m the lucky bastard who knows how soft your skin is, who knows what it’s like to make you quiver, who knows the ecstasy that it is to be inside you.”

  I smile. “I’m glad you liked them. I’ll have to remember this for the future.”

  “Oh, yes.” He smirks. “I’m curious, who was your photographer? While I’m grateful for his work, I need to know who to kill. The fact that a man is walking around after seeing you like that… No, no, no. I can’t permit that.”

  I stroke his cheek. “Jealous Gavin is very sexy. He is a she. Em’s friend, Josie, took the pictures and processed the prints. You’re the only person with a penis who has seen them.”

  He lets out a deep sigh. “That’s good. I’m too euphoric to kill someone right now. My turn. Your present puts mine to shame, but I hope you enjoy them. The first one, Hazel helped me put together.” He hands me the first box. As I unwrap, he continues, “I was chatting with a friend a few weeks back. He was taking his girl home to meet his parents, and the whole weekend they were together was filled with stories of him growing up. I think you know more about me than anyone who walks the earth, but I realized that, other than stories from Liam and James, you won’t have one of those weekends. So I asked Hazel to help me put this together.”

  I tear open the wrapping and find an album. Great minds think alike, it seems. However, if Hazel helped put this together, I’m guessing I won’t find scandalous pictures of Gavin. I open it up to find I’m wrong. The first page is full of naked pictures. Baby pictures, that is.

  He pats next to him on the bed. “Come here and cuddle up, luv. This’s a photo documentary of my life. The good, the bad, and the ugly.”

  He spends the next four hours going through each picture, telling me the stories that have made him the man he is. From when he knocked out his two front teeth playing cricket, to Sunday dinners with his grandparents, to the day he was accepted at Oxford. There are plenty of adorable pictures of Liam and James. They were cute kids, and it’s sweet to see how they grew up together. I adore seeing these three sexy men with missing front teeth, gangly and awkward. My favorite is one of them after a soccer game. They’re covered in mud from head to toe, bloody and bruised, thrusting a trophy above their heads. They look so damn happy.

  Dawn is breaking when we finish the last page. The album ends right as he enters the military. A wise place to end, since Brooke comes into the picture soon after he leaves the service, and I don’t need to see that. “Gavin, this was the best present ever. Really. My present was all smut and sizzle. This gift… You gave me you.”

  “I’m pretty sure you gave yourself to me too, luv. Don’t knock smut and sizzle.” He kisses me on the temple. “I’m glad you liked it.”

  “I loved it. Can I open the other box now?”

  “Of course. This one’s from my studio.”

  I open the perfectly wrapped box, and gasp. “It’s perfect.” I hold up the glass ball Christmas tree ornament that has an American Flag melding with a British flag.

  “I know we couldn’t find the perfect Christmas ornament, so I tried to make one,” he says as I stare at the glass ball. “First time I tried something like this, but I hope you like it.”

  I gently place it back in the box, then kiss him. “Thank you! It’s perfect. How on earth did you make this?”

  “A little blown glass,” he says casually. “It took me a while to get it right. I know you wanted something to remind you of this year. But with so much that has happened this year, I wanted to focus on the best parts. Where you and I met, and our adventures together began.”

  I roll my eyes. “Of course. You know how to blow glass. Who doesn’t know how to blow glass?”

  He picks it up and holds it to the light. “Look carefully. If you hold it in the right light, you can see a Ben and Jerry’s logo in the background.”

  I look carefully and catch a hint of it when the light catches it the right way. “Damn, you’re good Oxford.”

  He smirks. “I know. One more!”

  Crap. “Tomorrow? Or later today, I guess. I’m so tired, I can barely keep my eyes open.” Big fat lie. “I think it’s almost eight in the morning. Way past my bedtime.”

  His face falls. “It’ll only take a second. Please. I’m really excited about this one. When I saw it, I knew it had to be yours.”

  I force a yawn. “Please, Gavin, please let’s just do this later,” I beg. I don’t think I’m masking my anxiety well. I’ve downshifted from jubilantly happy to panicked in less than ten seconds. My hairline is soaked with sweat, and I can’t seem to catch my breath.

  He takes my hand. “What’s going on, luv? Talk to me.” He looks me in the eyes, searching for an answer that I know he won’t want to hear.

  I smile. “Nothing, Oxford. I’m just really tired. I think the day’s catching up to me.”

  “Okay, luv. Why don’t you rest? I’ll save this one for another time.” He pulls me close and settles us back into bed. “Get some sleep, luv. Maybe when you wake up you’ll be ready to talk. I love you, but if you think I’m buying this story, you’re sadly mistaken.”

  “Gavin…” I’m not sure what to say. He’s seen through my transparent, pathetic attempt to deflect, and I don’t have a good excuse that won’t hurt him.

  “Shhhh, just sle
ep.” He kisses my forehead and hugs me tight.

  ******

  Gavin doesn’t bring up his present again, nor does he push me to talk about it. The next few days are spent casually enjoying each other, both in and out of the bedroom. We walk around quaint little towns and find old pubs with fabulous stories. My favorite is Canterbury. The town is impeccably decorated for the holidays, and the cathedral there is one of the most spectacular buildings I have ever seen.

  He drives me to Cornwall, and we walk on the beach. It’s freezing but lovely. He takes me to the Old Coastguard for the best roasted chicken I’ve ever had, complete with a breathtaking view. I’d never thought about England having beaches. Stupid, since it’s an island, but I never thought of it as a beach place. We drive up and down the coast and see the same names of towns on Cape Cod, which makes me laugh and reminisce about my childhood. Gavin promises to bring me back when the temperatures are above freezing.

  My cheeks hurt by the end of the day. More smiles than I can count and endless laughter. It wouldn’t be us if there wasn’t a little bit of competition. Who can fly their kite higher, who can find the biggest shell. It’s all in good fun and quintessentially us. I forget about rings and marriage, cartels and suspended agents. It’s just the two of us, and it’s heaven.

  We’re supposed to return to London for New Years. Percy and Poppy are throwing a party to show off Percy’s new flat in Lewisham. At the last minute, Gavin changes his mind, and we return to his flat. We order pizza, which takes four hours before it’s delivered. By the time it arrives, we’ve gone through three bottles of champagne. Right before midnight, Gavin makes some sort of spiked, hot apple cider concoction. We grab blankets and bundle up on the terrace to watch the fireworks.

  After the fireworks, he refills our mugs, then joins me back on the terrace. I’m entertained by the masses of drunken fools wandering around on the sidewalk. He pulls me away from my live reality show, brings me back to the lounge chairs.

  “Luv, I haven’t brought this up in days because I didn’t want to upset you. Honestly, I wanted you to come to me to talk about why you were so upset Christmas night. I haven’t asked, and you haven’t offered. As I think about where I was this time last year, I never in a million years could have dreamt up how a year could change my life. After the past four months, I couldn’t imagine being happier, freer, or more in love. When I saw this, I had to get it for you. It spoke to me.”

  I’ve had too much champagne to lodge a protest. Before what he’s saying sinks in, he’s offering me that little blue box. Too late to run now.

  “Open it,” he insists.

  “Gavin—”

  “Just open it, Lily.”

  The smile never fades from his eyes, and my heart starts to break. If I open this and tell him no, that smile will disappear. We’ll disappear.

  He chuckles. “It won’t bite.”

  I slowly unwrap the box, trying to delay as long as possible. It’s a tiny box, so it doesn’t allow me much time to procrastinate. The wrapping paper falls to the ground, and Gavin takes the box. As he opens it, the box makes that creak as the hinge bends back.

  “You have to open your eyes, luv. And please, breathe.”

  I open my eyes and look down. It’s beautiful. Stunningly beautiful and sparkly.

  “It’s the Celtic symbol for fate. I thought it was appropriate for us.” He put the necklace bearing the diamond-encrusted pendant on my neck. “You’ve always said that a crazy twist of fate brought us together, so when I saw this, I thought of you.”

  “Gavin, it’s so beautiful and so perfect.”

  “So do you want to tell me what all the panic was about? You didn’t think it was a ring, did you?” He shakes his head and smiles. “Silly girl. Don’t you know I know you better than that?”

  I bury my head in my hands to hide my embarrassment. “Gavin, I’m an idiot with a massive head case problem.”

  “I know,” he says. “I love you anyway.”

  “Can you wait right here? There’s something I need to get for you.” I run inside and find my second present for Gavin buried in my bag. When I return, I say, “I’ve been afraid to give this to you. I was afraid it would open doors to conversations I’m afraid of having.”

  “Just because it’s scary doesn’t mean it will end poorly,” he says. “I love you, and you love me. It’s that simple. We can face anything as long as we do it together. Never hide something from me out of fear. I’ll never leave you because you were honest. I promise.”

  I hand him the box, and he unwraps it quickly.

  When he opens the box, he sifts through tissue paper and looks confused. “I don’t understand.”

  “I applied for a visa. So I can stay in London.”

  He puts the papers down and hugs me. “You were afraid if you gave this to me, it would be a slippery slope?”

  I nod against his shoulder. “I’m an idiot, I know. It isn’t logical, but it scared me. I was sure you would ask for more than I can give and that this bubble would burst. I can’t even say the M-word without wanting to vomit.”

  He pulls away and furrows his brow. “Do you doubt us?”

  The hurt in his eyes makes this excruciating. I want to say the words he wants to hear, the words that will ease the anguish, but I can’t. Lies may put a smile on his face today, but will just end up breaking his heart down the road. All I can do is be honest, even if the truth hurts. “No, of course not. I wouldn’t apply to stay here longer if I did. I have faith in us; it’s life I’m afraid of. I refuse to make promises I can’t keep. How can I promise forever if I don’t know what’ll happen tomorrow?”

  “None of us know what will happen tomorrow. If I’ve learned anything from my relationship with Brooke, it’s that marriage isn’t a promise of happily ever after. Marriage is a promise to not give up, to be there night and day, perish or prosper. It’s a promise that you’ll never, ever, ever have to face something alone. You and I both got married for all the wrong reasons and expected all the wrong outcomes. I don’t know about you, but I’ll never make that mistake again. But, I certainly hope the fact that I tried and failed once doesn’t mean that I’m barred from trying again. Especially, when I know deep down in the depths of my soul that I’ have found the right person.”

  I’m in awe of his hope and optimism. I can’t buy into it, but god damn, I’m in awe of it. I wipe the tears from my eyes. “ Your words always steal my breath. But they also scare me to death. You have so much faith, so much confidence. You’ve figured it all out, and I’m still struggling to figure out which way is up.”

  He tips my chin so I have to look at him. “That’s just it, luv. You’re trying so hard to figure it all out, and you can’t. It’s not possible. You’re looking for answers that you’ll never find. There’s no guarantees. There’s no certainties. Life and love are big risks. All I know with absolute certainty is that I love you. I have faith everything else will fall into place.

  I’m not going to ask you to marry me when the word makes you break out in a cold sweat. The fact that you’re willing to stay here with me and see where we go is a huge step for you. I appreciate how hard that is for you and the risk you’re taking. I don’t want you to think for one moment that I don’t treasure the gift you’ve given me. I do. I just hope that one day you won’t be afraid of forever.”

  “I love you, Gavin. I can promise you that.”

  “That’s all I need, luv.” He holds me close and kisses me gently on the top of my head.

  I take a sip of my now cold cider, then put it on the end table. “Since we’re wrestling our demons here, I figure we might as well face them all,” I say. “A few weeks ago, when the papers announced I was pregnant, do you remember calling me?”

  “Yes,” he says with a twinge of irritation. Leave it to me to take a sweet moment and turn it sour.

  I pull my knees to my chest, creating a barrier between us. “You sounded furious that I might be pregnant.”

  His
shoulders soften. “I apologize for that. There was a lot going on at my office, and my PR department had a conniption over the ‘news.’ I didn’t mean to take out my frustration on you.”

  “What if I were?” I ask quietly.

  His eyes widen. “Pregnant?”

  “Yes. We’ve never talked about that. I’m on the pill, but it’s only ninety-nine percent effective. One in a hundred times, anything could happen. We’ve had sex way more than one hundred times. Hell, we may have had sex one hundred times this week!”

  “I’m good, but I’m not that good,” he teases.

  I nudge his shoulder. “I’m serious. We’ve never talked about it. Odd since the rest of England is planning the birth of our child, but somehow we’ve never discussed it.”

  “I hear that Harvey is in the running for the most preferred name if he’s a boy,” he says, deflecting.

  “Why do you think I named our polar bear Harvey?”

  “I see.”

  “Gavin, you’re avoiding the question. You’re the one who’s so gung ho for forever. Shouldn’t we at least make sure we want the same things?” If we don’t, then we can get out now before we get any more invested.

  “Do you want children?”

  I shrug. “I don’t know. I’m not sure I’d make a very good mother. But I do want to know if it happens, I can come home and talk to you about it without getting growled at.”

  “Oh, Lily,” he says, squeezing me tight. “I would never—”

  I cluck my tongue. “But you did,” I say with more of an edge than I should. “If I were pregnant, I would have been petrified. Would I have hidden it from you? No. Would I have wanted to get official results before talking to you about it? Maybe. I don’t know. That story could have been true.”

  He lowers his head while he rakes his fingers through his hair. “And I’ve apologized for that. It was a stressful day and I didn’t respond well.” He looks up and finds my eyes. “I’m not perfect, Lil. I’m not always going to say or do the right thing, but that doesn’t change the fact that I love you and want to be there for you. Just promise me if you even suspect that something is going on in your life, a baby or a drug cartel with a bounty on your head, please, for the love of God, talk to me. You don’t need confirmation first. You don’t need to get your head on straight first. Let me help you. We’re in this together, no matter what it is. You just have to let me in.”