Twist of Faith

by Kelly A. Purcell

26

  The Message of the Cross

  Alex woke up for the second time that morning, but she only turned to the side and burrowed deeper into the bed, pulling the covers around her face as she tried to ignore the twinges of pain all over her body and the ache in her head. She had only spent two days at the hospital, which was the longest she would ever desire to stay in such a place, but home was not much of an upgrade either.

  She heard the door cautiously open, heard the careful footsteps, the gentle click of the lock and then got a whiff of her mother’s favourite body lotion, but she didn’t stir.

  She hated the sight of her mother. Sherry’s sympathetic, protective eyes always burdened her with guilt; she was supposed to the strong one, she was the one who was supposed to pity, not be pitied. She was not supposed to be the one lying pitifully in a hospital bed with drugs coursing through her body, and a man’s life hanging in the balance. She thought of James and fought the urge to throw herself to the floor and wail.

  Sherry came around the bed, probably checking to see if she was awake. Alex gave her no indication, she deliberately avoided her eyes, eyes that haunted her with its disappointment and confusion and hurt. It gave Sherry the ability to cut through the frozen over vessel that had become Alex’s heart.

  “Alex?” her mother called, tentatively at first and then with more authority, “Alexis!

  Alex stirred despite her initial resolve to ignore her and peered out of an opening in her cotton refuge. Sherry’s face which had hardened into a frown; now grew soft.

  “I think is time you wake up,” she chided gently.

  Alex grumbled and covered her face again, only reappearing again when she heard the curtains being drawn, and the bright morning light fell upon her face like a slap.

  “Jeez mom!” she protested, punching the pillow lazily.

  “Get up!” Sherry demanded.

  It was clear now that Alex’s self-pity was not going to persuade her mother to let her be, like all the other similar mornings since her discharge, which was about two days ago. Alex rolled onto her back, wearing a defiant frown, her lips pouted in annoyance.

  “Alex you don’t find yuh had enough of this, feeling sorry for yuhself. Nicka keep calling for yuh, exams start in two weeks and you already missed out on some of your practice exams. You know you can’t miss CXC, not after I pay all that money.”

  Alex tossed her arms across her eyes, why couldn’t Sherry get it, none of that mattered to her anymore, and she doubted it ever did. Nicole was right; fantasy worlds like dreams fade with the light of reality.

  “I thought you’d be happy,” Alex said finally, leaning her head to the side so she could peer at Sherry from under her thin arms.

  “Happy?” Sherry looked confused and a tad offended, she didn’t move from where she stood near the window.

  Alex chuckled drily, “am just like you mom, I’m just like Nikki,” she turned and covered her head with her pillow, now look at what she’d done; she regretted the words the minute they were out of her mouth. Why had she just revealed that shameful portion of thought to Sherry of all people?

  Sherry felt the same awkwardness, a look of hurt fleeted across her face. Alex’s confession hung in the cool morning air, circulating the room until it pressed against the silence.

  “No you’re not...”

  Alex braced herself for the worst, for an emotional revealing of feelings and encouragement, but after what felt like an hour Sherry had said nothing.

  She looked over at her and for the first time saw the age and worry; she imagined she was the one who had placed them there.

  Didn’t everyone deserve to be happy? Then why was she jeopardizing her own mother’s happiness. She remembered the discussion on spiritual death from youth group, she didn’t quite grasp it, but she gathered it was a little like being empty on the inside and she was beginning to think she knew what it felt like to be dead on the inside; tragic, when she would’ve preferred to be dead altogether. Then she wouldn’t have to feel the pain from the accident, she wouldn’t have to think about the worthlessness of school, to see the betrayal in Ryan’s eyes, the distrust in Leon’s, the cruel satisfaction in Sonti’s and she wouldn’t have to hear Sherry’s strained voice pleading for her to get back into the race. Neither would she have to live with the knowledge that she might’ve ruined James life if there was a life to be had and even more, she wouldn’t have to try to forget those two night’s she’d foolishly spent with Kane and his friends.

  “Alex...” Sherry placed a hand on her shoulder and felt her stiffen at her touch, “you should at least call Nicka, it seem like they real miss you back at the school.”

  Alex didn’t respond, why would they miss her, her mother was disillusioned in more ways than one, she thought. But how could she blame her, one would think that after she’d practically forsaken them, spending all her time chasing a dream founded on education, that she would’ve actually made a mark there. The students probably didn’t even notice she wasn’t there, and if Nicka missed her, it was out of preference rather than actual obligation, as she had more friends than the confused dreamer she shared a desk with.

  There was a brief pause, during which Alex’s stomach protested loudly. Sherry frowned, her concern forming foreign lines across her forehead.

  “At least come downstairs for something to eat,” she said, getting up.

  “I’m not hungry,” she replied grumpily, slightly annoyed at this body that refused to die but rather yearned to be sustained, why should she eat when James couldn’t breathe on his own? She fought with the painful lump in her throat, as a lone tear eased from the corner of her eyes onto the pillow.

  “We going to the hospital today,” Sherry said.

  James had become like family. Tragically, the man with the knowing eyes, big heart and reassuring smile was a stranger to them and the motionless body had become family. An uncanny representation of the brother they’d lost and would possibly lose again.

  “You should come; it would be good for you,” Sherry continued, “I think he go want you to come.”

  “Leave me alone Sherry.”

  Uncharacteristically, Sherry left, closing the door behind her, but Alex knew that wasn’t all, she would be back for a fresh assault tomorrow or tonight if the day went well.

  Once Sherry was gone Alex turned unto her back, tossing the covers aside, she looked up and took a deep breath, she had never felt so hopeless and alone before. She got up and tottered to the window, the one with the tall mango tree blocking the view from the road, and stared unseeingly at the quiet weekday morning. The air was fresh and cool from a night of constant rain and it reminded Alex of that night she’d first prayed, really prayed. She’d been staring out of the window up at the full silver moon, she’d felt great that night, like there had been some connection between her and Reuben’s God. Somehow she’d actually believed then that she might be able to make him her God too. What had changed that belief?

  Just then, the door opened and Rachel peeped in, looking like a scared child entering a lion’s den. Alex watched her come in from the corner of her eye, but didn’t make any sudden movements of acknowledgement, not until she was standing by the bedside, looking over at her sympathetically.

  “I’m sorry,” she said finally, lowering her head uncomfortably.

  Alex turned to her, “for what,” she asked.

  “For being a terrible sister,” she said.

  Alex started to tell her that they really weren’t sisters, but stopped, she had already hurt the child enough. Here was Rachel, a complete stranger save for the few months of rooming together, apologizing for being a terrible sister, when Alex couldn’t even begin to apologize to Nicole, her real sister, who’d practically raised her. She couldn’t give her the freedom to be human, when she had failed in so many ways herself.

  “You are a great sister Rach,” she said, returning to the bed, being careful not to
put too much of her weight on her damaged ankle, her legs felt like weighty rubber beneath her.

  She sat down with her back to the head board and patted the spot next to her, smiling awkwardly; it felt strange and tight on her lips. Rachel jumped up beside her.

  “I couldn’t ask for a better little sister. I was just... really stupid... and am the one who should be apologizing.”

  Rachel nodded, “okay, if you say so.”

  Alex laughed, it had been a long time since she’d done that and it almost felt like a first breath after drowning unconsciousness.

  “I made some cheese straws...” Rachel started, looking intently at Alex’s face, “I didn’t burn them this time.”

  Alex smiled, “well good.”

  “I took some out for you,” she looked over at her pleadingly.

  “Really? Well that sounds good,” Alex replied.

  Once Rachel left, Alex’s smile faded. It was like the sunshine had been drawn out of the room. She tried to fall back against the pillows into her ditch of self pity but somehow, she just couldn’t.

  She was still sore from the accident and the poking and prodding at the hospital, her left hand was heavy with the wrist caste and her head felt light and foggy in places, with the memories she didn’t care to face right now. She turned her head and dropped it unto her chest with a sigh and her gaze fell on the attractive package she’d received almost a month ago from the youth president. It was still in its orange and gold paper handle bag, the torn gift paper stuffed into it along with the contents, on the bedside table; just the way she’d left it after she’d opened it.

  She leaned over awkwardly and scooped it up with two fingers on her good hand and placed it on the bed between her lap. She withdrew the torn wrapping paper and stared at the black leather book, with Holy Bible engraved in gold on the front before she lifted it and flipped the pages, letting the new book smell blow against her nose. A small booklet fell unto her stomach, it was a daily bible reading plan with a where to get help section, she shoved it back into the book and tossed it onto the bedside table.

  Rachel came in the room again, with a plate of cheese straws and a glass of grapefruit juice. She put the glass down on the table next to the bible and handed Alex the plate, before she mounted up on the bed beside her.

  “Are you ever gonna come out of this room?” Rachel asked.

  Alex picked up a cheesy pastry and bit into it, “this is good,” she said, nodding with an appreciative smile, suddenly feeling how hungry she was.

  “Hey ow!” Rachel yelped, getting up and feeling under her.

  “What’s this?” she asked, lifting a shiny silver object from beneath her.

  Alex turned to look at it and frowned as she reached over to take it from Rachel’s hand, she looked at it with wide eyes, suddenly remembering Reuben’s bold shining eyes, ‘why settle for angels Alex.... when you can have some-thing more beautiful, more powerful, more constant and so real.”

  This time there was a card pinned onto it, with the words: The message of the Cross is foolishness to those who are perishing but to those who are being saved, it is the Power of God... 1 Corinthians 1:18. Do you want that power?

  Alex swallowed hard; it’s almost like Reuben could’ve foreseen what her life would become.

  “What are you doing with a cross?” Rachel asked with a hint of laughter in her voice but Alex was looking at it solemnly.

  “It was a gift...to remind me of the length and breadth of Jesus love, and his ultimate sacrifice.”

  “Oh the crucifixion, we did that in school, for Easter...”

  “Am I perishing Rachel?” Alex whispered, as she dropped back against the pillows, still clutching the broach in her hand, a lone tear sidled from the corner of her eye.

  Rachel placed her tiny hand on Alex’s shoulder, “You don’t look like it. Alex don’t worry, the doctor said you’ll be fine.”

  Alex shook her head, feeling even more lost than she did this morning because she really couldn’t figure out how to fix it.

  “I’m not fine,” she muttered, turning away from the confused looking girl.

  Sherry stood outside the rusting metal door and took a deep breath. She could hear him tossing papers aside and scribbling. She could imagine him hunched over his financial documents, his forehead furrowed in concentration, his jaw clenched and his fingers white on the pen.

  Since his ex mother-in-law had come to visit he’d been spending time in his office working on his finances, trying to find a way around the terrible situation he’d found himself in.

  “Who’s out there?” his powerful voice echoed through the garage.

  Sherry winced, “It’s me.”

  He opened the door a crack and peered out, “hey” he said, “what’s up?”

  Sherry shrugged, she wasn’t sure if it was the right time, he could be so odd when he was stressed, if she wasn’t careful, anything she said could be taken as a direct insult. But she had to do this, for the first time in her life she was eager to prove to her children that they came first in her life. She knew she didn’t do a good job of convincing them otherwise, but when she witnessed what they’d all been through in these past couple months, while she was enjoying life, she knew she needed to do something. She couldn’t deny Alex a chance of recovery, this seemed to be something Alex needed, that they all needed; to work things out together just as Chris would’ve wanted it, and this time she wasn’t going to let them do it without their mother.

  “I... it’s nothing” she stuttered.

  He opened the door wider and stood there staring at her, his eyes dark and thoughtful.

  “Look Ryan, don’t get vex with me nuh?”

  “Why would I?” he stepped out of the room and made his way toward her, “You’re the one who should be mad at me; after all I brought you into this mess.”

  Sherry took a deep breath, “Ryan I going back to my house.”

  He winced visibly and she could see his mind working. He took a step backward and lifted his head to the ceiling, his breath coming out with a hissing sound between his teeth.

  “Don’t do this...” he muttered, “Don’t do this Sher,” he pleaded, his eyes still glued to the ceiling.

  “Ry...” she started.

  “I can fix this,” he continued, his voice thick with emotion, “don’t leave me Sherry, please.”

  Sherry stepped toward him and embraced him, he felt like a log in her hand and she could feel his heart racing.

  “Ryan I not leaving you.”

  He drew her away and looked down at her, confusion written all over his ashen face.

  “Then what are you doing?”

  “I going back to the old house with Alex, I not leaving you,” she smiled up at him, “I love you, and wherever you are is my home, but I need to be with me daughter. No matter how much I love you, my children should always be my number one priority.”

  Ryan’s strong chest rose and fell with a deep sigh of relief, “So you’re coming back?”

  Sherry reached up and kissed him deeply, “That answer your question?”

  Ryan smiled; it seemed like ages since she’d seen him do that.

  “Does that mean you’re not mad at me anymore?” he asked, looking hopeful.

  “Oh I mad at you.”

  “Then don’t leave, stay let’s work it out.”

  Sherry sighed, “we both know how it is between you and Alex, she not comfortable here anymore, she thinks you hate her...”

  “But I don’t, I just reacted.”

  “I know darling but she been through a lot and the fact that she willing to take a step to get over it is good, and I think is a good idea if we both take a break from here for a while. We have a lot to think about.”

  “Is this about the house, the money, I can save it.”

  She shook her head, “no Ryan it’s not about the house or the money... okay it would be n
ice, but the fact is I born broke, I live broke and every man I ever been with was broke, no matter how hard I try.”

  Ryan sighed, “I know, I was just hoping to change that you know.”

  Sherry nodded, “Me too. At first you was just another way of moving up, I admit. But then I learn the importance of love and life and family. I don’t care if we lose the house, we can start over, together.”

  He smiled and hugged her, “just don’t stay too long nuh.”