Twist of Faith

by Kelly A. Purcell

28

  A little Light

  Alex stepped into the house, dropped her bag at her feet and just stood staring into space, her first day back at school was torture, she’d missed all of her practice exams and everyone seemed prepped and pumped for exams but her. Fortunately for her, her embarrassing escapades were being taken like a tragedy rather than a lapse in judgement. Everyone was more sympathetic and more willing to believe the story of the school star that had been in a horrible car accident, than the naive girl who ran away with a stranger for two days.

  “You want something to eat? Oh and Officer Harris called, he wanted to know if you’re willing to talk again.”

  She looked over at Sherry who was busy rummaging in the refrigerator, whatever happened to the irresponsible, heartless woman she’d once known as her mother?

  “That’s his business; I’ve talked enough. And no mom, I’m not hungry,” she replied, in that bored, uninterested tone she’d acquired of late.

  “Alex you need to eat something yuh know, you gonna get dry like a stick on me,” Sherry persisted.

  Alex rolled her eyes, she didn’t want to be bombarded about her health every moment of the day. Could Sherry not get that?

  “I’m fine,” she said firmly, turning her annoyed gaze to her mother.

  She winced inwardly at the hurt look in Sherry s eyes despite herself; she didn’t mean to come off so mean, it surprised her that she even cared.

  Alex turned and made her way to the kitchen, dragging her feet; Sherry had turned her back to her and was busy stacking bread slices, her lips drawn together in a firm line.

  “Mom...” she took a deep breath, “I’m sorry, you’re trying to help but...” she paused tracing her fingers along the edge of the counter.

  “This is new to me...this isn’t what I’m used to, you...” she stopped again, something in Sherry’s face discouraged her from saying what she was about to. She just looked so tired and old. Alex had never noticed those frown lines or those creases between her eyes, and coming to think of it, she hadn’t seen her wear makeup since the incident.

  “Let me help you.”

  Sherry looked at Alex and the surprise on her face was as visible as her big bold eyes.

  “Alex you don’t...”

  “No I want to...” she knew this was definitely a leap of faith, the last time they had been in the kitchen together, Alex wound up running away from a flying frying pan.

  Sherry smiled and handed her the butter and a knife, “Just making some sandwich, nothing dangerous,” she said as though she’d read her mind.

  Alex smiled, the action felt strange almost as if she was using those muscles for the first time. They said nothing for the first couple minutes. Maybe it was the shock of what was truly happening, or maybe it was just the two of them trying to make the moment last as long as possible, without the inevitable interruption of their differences.

  “You’re disappointed in me aren’t you?” Alex said suddenly, her eyes glued to the buttered slices of bread before her.

  Sherry inhaled sharply, “yes,” she said stiffly, “I was... but one thing ah can’t say, is that ah don’t understand,” she looked over at her daughter now and smiled awkwardly.

  “Alex... I know what it is to make mistake, I know what it is to feel hopeless and afraid. I mess up so much times in my life, that not messing up does feel strange and... wrong,” she shook her head and put aside her last salami sandwich, placing both hands on the edge of the counter for support, she took a deep breath and chuckled.

  “You my special girl Alexis, even if you only had eyes for your father.”

  As the words left her lips, it looked as though those words had sucked half the life out of her. Alex tightened her jaw, holding the buttering knife over a half buttered slice, unable to move, not daring to. She said nothing.

  “I have my first child when ah was almost sixteen, younger than you. My mother kick me out the house, call me a little slut, throw all me clothes in the road. Ah went to live with the child father, a big, hard-back man...” she shook her head, “now every time I think about that bastard... ah just get so vex. After ah live with him for about a year, he kick me out, take me child, never see them again. Then I had Nicole... a beautiful, happy baby she was, hmm I decide then that nobody was taking my child from me and I would be the mother to her that I ain’t never had.”

  A lone tear fell from her eyes then, and tumbled down to the bottom of her chin, she quickly wiped it away, took a deep breath, she looked over at Alex and she smiled.

  “But... as usual things get out of control, I end up with five children, four different daddies just like my mother. And then I had you for the first man I had ever loved,” she laughed sadly.

  Alex grimaced, it now occurred to her that this was probably the hardest thing that her mother has ever had to do and she wondered why she felt she needed to.

  “I thought I could change things then... but I was stupid to think so. I don’t think Declan ever really loved me back, if he did, he wouldn’t have left. And so, I fail Nicole, I fail Chris, Mike and the other two and when I think it couldn’t get worse, I fail you. You don’t know how often I look at all my children and wish I could take on all the hurt, but I can’t, so I just watch and I grieve for you all. I remember the first time Nicole tell me my boyfriend had molested her, I believed her, but at that point...”she shook her head, “I guess I had already decided I had failed and you all were gonna be just like me, no matter what I did.”

  “You believed her... yet you let them continue” she frowned.

  “I protected you Alex,” Sherry replied defensively.

  “How? By bringing more of them in here,” there was that familiar anger again.

  “Alex, and I’m very sorry.... so sorry. I didn’t know how to live without a man to take care of me, and you all paid for my weakness.”

  By now tears were streaming down both their faces, and Alex did something she would never have done, she wrapped her arms around her and buried her face in her neck.

  “I think...” Alex started her voice thick with emotion, “I’ve been thinking about some things mom.”

  Sherry pulled away and looked at her with a frown, “How yuh mean?”

  Alex was shaking her head, “You have always been a horrible mom to me, but you never left and I guess that makes you better than a lot of horrible moms...” she paused and took a deep breath, what she was about to say would hurt her.

  “And my father... my father is a coward, I think... he’s always been a coward, but I never knew that, because the truth is, everything has to be compared with something before a sound judgement could be made. And over the past seven months I’ve been meeting people that make that fact clearer to me. And I’ve compared, and tested and I’ve been hurt by all of them but only because I was trying to find love everywhere else but where it really is,” she shook her head, trying to make sense of her rushing thoughts.

  “Do you really believe God loves us just the way we are, even when we don’t love him, and that his love never fails, never stops, never disappoints. I know it might sound odd and ridiculous coming from me, but I… I need to understand.”

  Sherry shrugged, “you of all persons should know I don’t have much of the answers.”

  “I keep trying to understand why my life turned out the way it has…”

  “Why do you feel like you have to understand it, why we can’t just make it through one day at peace with each other,” Sherry interrupted.

  Alex reached over and took her mother’s hand, “You’re right, but we can’t stay in this hole, falling for the same old thing over and over. I refuse to be you mom, it ends here but I forgive you mom. Can you please forgive me?”

  “Let’s not fool ourselves Alex, forgiving me isn’t that easy?” Sherry said with a frown.

  Alex smiled, “Maybe not, but anything is possible with God.”

  Sherry nodded, she was
n’t convinced but she was amazed, who was this person? Could she have raised someone this amazing?

  They looked at each other now; there was this mutual understanding of something they couldn’t explain. All those years of the bickering, the fighting, the subtle acts of revenge, seemed to have melted, trickled from their cheeks onto each other’s shoulders, melting the ice around each other’s heart.

  The supermarket was crowded, which was typical for the last day in the month. Pay cheques were in and cupboards were empty, the children had lost or exhausted all their school supplies and that broken window really needed fixing. Nicole imagined all the concerns going through those shoppers minds, walking about with baskets and trolleys with grim, thoughtful frowns on their faces. Most of them were mothers, shopping alone with a child or two stumbling behind them, bright eyed and pleading for things their mothers’ thought were unnecessary.

  She leaned down on her trolley; she was so tired these days with a knot in the middle of her lower back that just won’t go away. She sighed and moved forward slowly, eyeing the meat products on the cold aisle, mentally calculating how much more she could throw into her trolley without embarrassing herself at the cashier. She’d never felt so alone before, Shawn didn’t want to have anything to do with her or the baby, he called her foolish for getting so sentimental, when it had worked out so well for her before.... to kill her baby. He wanted her to kill her baby, their baby, this life that she’d grown so attached to, separate but a part of her, depending upon her to protect and provide regardless of the circumstances. One abortion and a deliberate miscarriage were too much and she would die before she let it happen again.

  As she moved up in the line, the knot in her throat tightened and ached and she fought back the tears, just once she wanted to not be miserable. She shook her head, what about God? James had spoken so highly of him that his certainty had almost convinced her that God could and would help her and she’d started off fine. She’d gone to church, sat uncomfortably in the back for two weeks, read her bible at least once a week and prayed. Then Shawn left and her life spiralled right back to square one, like she had never really moved.

  In a daze she paid for her meagre groceries, this way she did not feel the sting of her purse becoming light in her hands, just the sting of constant rejection. But as she reached for the two plastic bags with two weeks’ worth of groceries for a young girl and her unborn baby, familiar hands touched hers.

  “Let me help you. “

  She stopped and pursed her lips, forcing back the tears that threatened to come; she took a deep breath and turned to look into apologetic, pleading blue-grey eyes. Without a word she removed her hand and let her sister take the two bags from the counter.

  “You’re heading to the bus terminal?” Alex asked, as they stepped out of the supermarket, both avoiding each other’s eyes in front of the crowded doorway.

  Nicole shook her head, “I’m just a little way from here,” she replied.

  Alex nodded, “okay,” she said.

  Nicole looked over at her, “Okay? No it’s fine Al, I’ll take it from here.”

  Alex frowned at her, then smiled, “Come on Nicole, you won’t let your sister help you carry your bags just a few blocks...” she paused and swallowed hard, pressing against the solid wall of tension wedged between them, “besides, I wanna talk to you.”

  Nicole turned sharply and started to walk ahead of her in the direction of her apartment.

  “There’s nothing for us to talk about,” she said tersely.

  Alex pushed through the crowd after her, the town was thick with people this time of day, and no one seemed to respect a girl in uniform, especially at this hour.

  “I want to apologize,” Alex pleaded when she finally came up beside her.

  Nicole frowned, “apologize? You were being honest Al, you don’t ever need to apologize for the truth.”

  Alex groaned, “you’re right, but I should apologize for the way I acted... and you know that’s the truth...” she turned sideways to allow a busy brood of students to pass.

  “I really was a horrible sister to you.”

  Nicole suddenly stopped, Alex looked hopeful.

  “This is me,” she said, looking directly at her this time, “thanks, but I can take it from here.”

  Alex pursed her lips and looked up at the building before them, cracked and battered; a concrete reflection of the state of their relationship. She hadn’t realized they’d walked right into the ghetto part of town; every corner looked like a potential breeding ground for crack. This place had a worse reputation that her own neighbourhood – and people were afraid to walk the streets of her neighbourhood... in the daylight.

  She swallowed hard, shook her head in displeasure and turned to her sister, “nah, I’m coming up with you,” she persisted.

  Nicole only shook her head, all the fight seemed to have gone out of her and right before she turned away to get her keys. Alex thought she saw shame in her eyes.

  Nicole’s apartment was cramped and dark, it looked as though everything was forced into the matchbox room, a worn out rug lay like a corpse in the centre of the room, its tassels flayed as though frozen in the last cries for help. Alex felt cruel stepping on it.

  “You can put those down in the kitchen,” Nicole said, motioning to a corner of the room with a leant refrigerator and rusting stove. A cracked wall separated it from the huddled living room.

  Alex placed the bags on the counter, watching as Nicole went about the room opening stiff dirty windows.

  “Stop staring Al,” Nicole said, catching her off guard.

  “This is my home now, a gift from fate.”

  “That’s not true, you chose this,” Alex countered, “you can come home anytime you want.”

  Nicole smiled sadly, “I’m glad your hopeless optimism is still intact,” she said as she sat down on the couch, “but you’re right, I did choose this. Every decision I have ever made, has led me to this point, one small decision at a time into…this,” she waved her hand about her.

  “Your feet will never go where your mind has never been,” Alex said suddenly, looking intently at her sister as though, she believed she could infect her with her words.

  Nicole chuckled, “Who taught you that one? Your daddy?”

  That offended Alex but she let it pass.

  “No, I read it in a book,” she replied.

  “Come here Alex,” Nicole instructed, patting a spot next to her. Alex complied.

  “How are you Al?”

  The question took Alex off guard, even more because of the genuine concern on her sister’s face as she said it.

  “I’ve been worried about you,” she continued when Alex didn’t respond, “I’ve been hearing things, terrible gossip from people from home. And it made me so mad that you would get pulled into this sick web,” she reached up and brushed her sisters braided hair with her hand, her eyes brimming with tears, as she traced her finger along the fading bruises.

  “But you look alright. You just don’t let it all get to you, okay not for one minute, yuh hear? Keep your head up.”

  Alex nodded, seeing the distress in her eyes, feeling that familiar self-pity welling up again.

  “Don’t worry, I guess it’s mom we should worry about. I hate what it does to her, the lies and gossip, about me and... the accident. I regret every moment since I made the decision I made, it was so foolish,” the memories of her failure brought tears to her eyes too.

  She’d skirted the edge of destruction knowingly and would’ve surely fallen over, into a place where she might’ve never been able to escape. Why? Because she had never been sure of who she was, and she’d hoped someone could show her; someone like Kane.

  She looked up at Nicole, tears falling shamelessly from her eyes as she remembered her own mistakes.

  “I’m sorry Nicole, you didn’t deserve to be treated the way I treated you. I got mad because it hurt me
to think that you could end up like this, I got so mad that I didn’t think about how you were feeling,” she took a deep breath.

  Nicole was crying now too, her hands still pressed against Alex’s face.

  “You have a child growing inside you Nicole, you’re having a baby. That’s amazing,” she cried, lowering her head onto her sister’s shoulder.

  “I can’t leave you like this. So don’t ask me too,” they were both blinded by their tears, sitting on the battered couch in the dreary living room, now growing darker and darker by the second with the falling of the sun, “you never left me, I can’t leave you.”

  Nicole took a deep breath, “oh sweet heart, shhh,” she crooned, “I know, I know, it’s okay. Oh look at us, we’re supposed to be the Moore bull dogs, look at us crying like babies in this dump.”

  Alex laughed, “Mike would love to see this,” she added.

  “And mom would be disgusted,” jested Nicole.

  Alex smiled and shook her head, “actually I think she might join us.”

  Nicole laughed, and it sounded like music to her sister’s ears, she lifted her head from her shoulder so she could see the look on her face as she laughed and she smiled.

  “You’re not coming back home are you?” Alex asked when they’d finally sobered.

  Nicole smiled sadly, “nope, afraid not. I’m gonna be a mother you know, you can’t have a baby crying in your ears when you’re trying to study. Besides am gonna need to learn a few things about being on my own.”

  Alex nodded, “I understand.... but seriously Nikki, this place sucks!”

  And they both erupted with laughter again, and every sullen object in the desolate apartment seemed to smile, finally a little light.