The Bro Code
Page 6
AMENDMENT II
If a Bro writes and directs a trilogy of awesome space-themed sagas that define a generation’s childhood, he is forbidden from later tarnishing that legacy by crapping out a prequel trilogy that forces Bros to specify “Episodes 4 to 6” or “the real trilogy” when referencing what was once a perfect series of movies, regardless of how anyone feels about Ewoks.
AMENDMENT III
Should a Bro become aware that his Bro has a really hot sister (a nine or higher), she is no longer protected under Article 19: A Bro shall not sleep with another Bro’s sister. That said, a Bro should reevaluate if the sister kind of resembles his Bro in a wig.
AMENDMENT IV
A Bro shall never turn away a Bro who shows up uninvited at his door with a box of porn.
AMENDMENT V
If your Bro finds himself living with a chick, it is no longer acceptable for you to show up uninvited at his door with a box of porn.
AMENDMENT VI
Okay, if a Bro desperately needs to stash his porn somewhere, he is allowed to show up uninvited at his Bro’s door with a box of porn, even if his Bro is living with a chick. Since the Bro’s connection with his porn undoubtedly constitutes an older and more meaningful relationship, the box of porn is afforded right of way over the live-in girlfriend, despite the box of porn’s inability to get super pissed and withhold sex for the night.
AMENDMENT VII
(Write in your own so that later—when called upon—you can cite the Bro Code.)
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AMENDMENT VIII
A Bro may toss the Bro Code out the window if Scandinavian twins are involved in any capacity.
AMENDMENT IX
A Bro is allowed to play air guitar, provided that the air guitar is made of plastic and connected to a video game system.
AMENDMENT X
A Bro is allowed to publish The Bro Code if he stands to make a profit on it.
VIOLATIONS
Violations of the Bro Code may result in a fine of up to $250,000 or in some cases, permanent dis-Broment. Unresolved disputes over the Bro Code may be submitted via email to the International Court of Bros at barneystinson@barneysblog.com, provided such disputes include pictures of the chicks involved. But only if they’re hot—the chicks, not the disputes.
There is no greater affront to the spirit of the Bro Code than a willing violation. While occasionally a Bro may err due to inebriation, a momentary lapse of judgment, or if a chick is so hot that other Bros would say “he didn’t really have a choice,” any premeditated infraction of the Bro Code is inexcusable. When a Bro violates the Bro Code, he hurts not only his Bros but also himself, because he is no longer Bro worthy.
It’s important to note that there are no tenets of the Bro Code that cannot be discussed in confidence with another Bro, and I would urge a Bro to seek permission from another Bro before doing something, or someone, that he feels might violate this sacred code. Note: A great time to get that permission is when your Bro is super drunk…like almost passed out.
If and when a violation occurs, a Bro has the right to administer the offending Bro a level of punishment befitting the infraction. He may choose from the Approved Punishments list.
APPROVED PUNISHMENTS
Revocation of wingman status
Text blackout
Designated all-time tip leaver
Assigned to solar-refraction seat in living room
Removal from inappropriate email forwards list
Waterboarding
Temporary blacklist from barbecues/football Sundays
Loss of permanent shotgun status
Bumped from top position on “not using season tickets” list
Removal from holiday card mailing list
Revocation of airport pickup/drop-off privileges
Must help offended Bro move heavy furniture
Temporary removal from usual golf foursome
Must return stuff loaned from offended Bro…even stuff he thinks his Bro forgot about
No longer allowed to borrow the truck
Offended Bro no longer required to bring beer over
GLOSSARY
Backslide Window—A treacherous window of time following a breakup in which both parties are prone to bone.
Brocassion—An event featuring a bunch of Bros.
Brocedure—A series of events completed by a Bro, but different from the Brolympics.
Bro/Chick Ratio—The gender breakdown at a given venue.
Brocularity—Bro-inspired hijinks.
Broda—(1) A Bro one goes to for wisdom. (2) A really short Bro.
Brode of Silence—Playing dumb or mute when a chick asks about another Bro’s history or whereabouts.
Brofession—A Bro job.
Broflation—(1) A sudden increase in female expectations about how dudes should act. (2) A sudden increase in dudes at an event or venue.
Broicide—(1) To kill a Bro. (2) To rack jack a Bro.
Brojo—A Bro’s mojo.
Broliferation—Too much use of the word “Bro.”
Bronacular—The language of Bros.
Brone—An act of selflessness bestowed upon or by a Bro.
Broner—Excitement over hanging out with Bros e.g., Ricky popped a broner when his friend rented out the local laser tag arena for his birthday.
Bro-proofing—Outfitting a space for Bros.
Broshambo—Two dudes playing rock, paper, scissors.
Brotection—When a Bro supplies another Bro with birth control.
Brotorcycle—One of those motorcycles with the sidecar thing.
Bro Train—A convoy of Bros on the move, usually driving to a party
Browling—More than one Bro bowling.
Bro-worker—A Bro at the workplace.
Devil’s Threeway—Two dudes, one chick.
Dis-Broment—Removal of “Bro” status.
Dry Spell—A period of any length in which a Bro has not scored.
Jump on the Grenade—The process in which a Bro “takes one for the team” by talking to a hot chick’s unattractive friend.
MAC—Memory Assistance and/or Correction.
Quid Pro Bro—Returning a favor by doing a solid for a Bro…not that kind of solid.
Rack Jack—To steal a wingman’s quarry, often with malicious, premeditated intent.
Tricycle—Two chicks, one dude.
Wingwoman—A female wingman who is also a chick.
SHALLOWEEN ANSWER
*Never.
†Nope.
‡Dude. Come on.
*Of course not
* Psst—hey, guys! I put this in really small type at the bottom since we all know men have much better vision than women. Ignore the above—the Bro Code is definitely not a piece of fiction. I was simply lying to uphold this very article.
* Bigger = better
* Applies only to the first time he retires.
* Trick question. Bros don’t watch ballet.
* Rock, paper, scissors for Bros.
* Unless a bicycle is the only form of transportation available, like in Southeast Asia or Arkansas or something.
* To steal your wingman’s chick. Big-time no-no.
* Open bar only.
* Engaging in a threesome.
* And beyond, if the Bro discovers there is indeed life after death.
* Not on the bed.
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