Barbarian: A Science Fiction Alien Romance (Alien Barbarians of Zandipor Book 1)

by Kim Fox

  “Good daytime to you, earthling women,” the robot says as the lights come on. Mandy and I have named the robot Tin Tom because he looks like he’s made of cheap tin and because he insists on being called Tom. But mostly because we think it’s funny. This pineapple/bleach gas is some good shit.

  “I didn’t feel the ship turn around during the night,” Rolanda says as she clenches her hands into fists. We met her during the night and she’s a good one to stick close to. She’s an MMA fighter.

  “Yes!” Tin Tom says. “It’s wonderful. We are half way to the planet Nuberla. Five million light years away from your planet earth. With the time warp speed, everyone that you’ve ever loved has died over a thousand years ago!”

  He says it like it’s just an interesting fact that he’s reading off of his Facebook feed and not like he just shattered the hearts of all twenty or so women inside the sealed off circular room.

  I didn’t really have anyone besides Mandy here, and a fresh batch of the gas pumps into the room as the ship seems to sense the mood in the room shift, but I will miss Matt, the guy with the long beard who makes my cappuccino at Starbucks every morning. Or is his name Mark?

  Rolanda doesn’t take it as well. “What?” she asks, rolling her sleeves up her thick forearms as she stands up. She glares at the robot as the little nozzle that’s sticking out of the wall begins pouring gas into the room like a fire hose.

  It’s too much even for a tough one like Rolanda. She slumps to the floor as I close my eyes dreaming about cleaning pineapples.

  Tin Tom is standing over me as I open my groggy eyes. “Good daytime to you, earthling women,” he says again. I have no idea how long I was out. There are no windows in this room and even if there was the sun is millions of light years away. It might have already exploded. Or imploded. Whatever it was that gave me nightmares as a child after learning on Bill Nye the Science Guy that the sun was going to be gone one day.

  “Ah,” I say sadly when it sinks in. “Bill Nye is long dead.”

  Mandy shakes her head. “Yeah, so is my dog and all of my family. But Bill Nye. Let’s not forget about him.”

  Mandy’s getting agitated. I think we need more pineapple/bleach. Right on cue it comes pumping out of the little gas nozzle sticking out of the wall and I instantly feel better.

  Tin Tom blinks. “How about that hip music? Isn’t it great?”

  “What music?” I ask, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.

  “Shirley Temple,” Tin Tom says in a crackly voice. “Rudy Vallee. What a hunk!”

  “What are you even talking about?” I ask, shaking my head. “Do you have some wires loose or something? Did someone spill a glass of water on you?”

  Tin Tom just blinks his lights. “Tom is programmed to be relatable to the young breeding-aged generation. He makes pop culture references to make you feel at ease in his presence.”

  “Shirley Temple?” I ask in disbelief. “Why are your pop culture references from the nineteen thirties?”

  “Tom was programmed eighty years ago,” he continues. “How about those Brooklyn Robins baseball sport team? Baseball batting is my favorite earthling sport. What about Babe Ruth? What a hunk!”

  “Can you just leave us alone?” I beg, rubbing my throbbing temples.

  He doesn’t listen. “I sense that you are irate. Humans enjoy comfort when they are irate.” A panel opens from his side and a metal claw buzzes as it unfolds out. He smacks my head hard three times. “There. There.”

  “Leave her alone,” Rolanda says, giving him a kick that sends him rolling across the room. Did I mention that I like this chick?

  But he’s a persistent one. He rolls back over, blinking his lights as if nothing happened. “You look extremely beauteous this day. Would you like pancakes?”

  My stomach growls at the mention of pancakes and it’s right then and there that I realize that we haven’t eaten since we’ve been on the ship. I did eat some popcorn in the movie theater but we’ve been on this ship for over twenty-four hours at least. Come to think of it I haven’t gone to the bathroom either. None of us has.

  “I want pancakes,” I say, shooting my arm into the air. All of the women follow, sticking their hands in the air too like the teacher just asked an easy question and is about to get to the hard ones next.

  “My apologies,” Tin Tom says. “We’re all out of pancakes.”

  Rolanda huffs out a breath. “Then why did you-”

  “Would you like France toast?” Tin Tom asks, interrupting my mixed martial artist friend.

  “Yes!” we all spit out at the same time.

  “My apologies,” Tin Tom says. “We’re all out of France Toast.”

  The women just glare at the tin piece of crap. We’re not amused. It’s one thing to kidnap us from our friends and families and rocket us to the other side of the galaxy but it’s crossing a line when you tease us with food.

  Rolanda stands up with her chest heaving out angry breaths. “I’m going to kick your metal face in if you don’t get away from me this second.”

  Tin Tom doesn’t know when to stop. He rolls right up to Rolanda, within swinging distance, and blinks his lights at her. “I sense that you are irritable this day.”

  She just glares down at the robot. “Ya think?”

  Tin Tom blinks and a hiss fills the room as more gas begins pumping out of the nozzle.

  “Not this time,” Rolanda says, lunging at it and grabbing the nozzle in her strong hands.

  “Please unhand that at once,” Tin Tom says, rolling towards her. “That is an organic desideratum compound. Constructed to fill all of your biological needs during space travel. You are not authorized to touch that.”

  “Fine,” Rolanda says as she slaps her hands together and sits back down. The nozzle is bent in half. No more pineapple/bleach gas for us.

  A red light on the wall flickers on and off. The pineapple/bleach smell of the gas begins to wear off and my stomach starts growling with hunger.

  “Uh oh,” I say as I get the strongest sensation to pee that I’ve ever had. If the ship makes one bump I’m peeing in my shorts. The only shorts that I brought.

  Apparently, I’m not the only one. Every woman in the room is crossing their legs and making orgasmic faces as they try to hold in two days worth of pee. I guess the pineapple/bleach gas wasn’t just for the fancy smell.

  “You earthling women may be feeling the urge to urinate,” Tin Tom says as he rolls around the room, blinking his lights frantically. “That is from the lack of the organic desideratum compound gas no longer inhibiting your flow of-”

  “Where the fuck is the bathroom?” Rolanda screams, pushing the robot over as she claws at the smooth walls.

  My eyes are literally watering from holding it in so bad. I can’t pee in my only shorts. Can I? It would feel so good.

  Mandy is struggling to pull the air nozzle back open but she’s not as strong as Rolanda and it’s not moving.

  “Earthling women,” Tin Tom says as he gets back up to his wheels. “Use the absorbing pad by the door.”

  “Door?” I whisper to myself as all the women race to the gray square that looks like a carpet on the opposite side of the round room. I elbow my way in and squat next to the crowd of other women who are also relieving themselves in a chorus of moans.

  The magical pad absorbs everything and it looks dry to the touch but I’m not about to test it out by touching it.

  I pull my shorts up and hurry back over to the women who are huddled up against the far wall where we normally sit. Everyone is grouped closer than normal with spooked, nervous looks in their eyes now that we don’t have that gas to calm our minds.

  It’s been a traumatic experience so far but this is the first time I see tears on glistening cheeks. Now we can see what everyone is really made of.

  Some girls have their eyes closed, some have trembling hands, and some looked pissed. Mainly, Rolanda. That chick is a fighter. I’m in the former group so I inch toward her t
o try and absorb some of her courage.

  “We have to take over this ship,” Rolanda whispers to me as she glares at Tin Tom.

  I lean in close to her ear. “He said there was a door behind that mat.”

  Rolanda stares at the wall and grins. “We have to find out how to open it.”

  A girl with black mascara streaming down her wet cheeks is holding her knees and rocking back and forth. “Where are you taking us?” she screams, on the verge of a meltdown if she’s not already there.

  Tin Tom rolls over. “I concur from the liquid discharging from your tear ducts that you are melancholic or you are suffering from an eye infection.”

  “She’s upset you idiot,” another woman with red hair snaps at the tin piece of crap. “We all are. You kidnapped us and now all of our families are dead.”

  “Everyone is dead,” Tin Tom corrects. “Your friends too. All of your acquaintances and pets as well.”

  “That’s not making us feel better,” the redhead says.

  “Work colleagues, neighbors.”

  “Alright!” I yell. “We get it!”

  Tin Tom starts blinking. “I have something that will make you feel superb.”

  “I doubt it,” Mandy mutters beside me.

  The hologram screen appears out of thin air again and Tin Tom rolls under it. “Perhaps if you see where we’re headed to you will feel better. You breeding-aged females are the lucky few who have been selected to be bred by the glorious and heroic Emperor Rsordan. He is the most dapper man in all forty-nine galaxies and his beauty is only matched by his generosity and benevolence.”

  The hologram screen flickers on and every woman in the ship gasps as a huge praying mantis like creature sits with an army of naked slave women chained to his golden throne.

  The women in the video look horrified as they struggle to get free from the thick chains. One young girl is biting the metal with her teeth, another is just sitting there completely catatonic, and another is begging the other frantic women to kill her.

  The green creature with the six long limbs and beady eyes grabs a naked woman by her dirty, matted hair and yanks her close. She screams as his long purple tongue drags up her cheek.

  “Behold,” Tin Tom says proudly. “The famous Emperor Rsordan. You are to be his love slaves before you are beheaded and impregnated with his larvae. It is the highest honor an earthling can receive. Do you feel better now?”

  The video cuts off just as it looks like Emperor Rsordan is about to bite off the poor girl’s head.

  “Fuck that shit,” Rolanda says, springing to her feet. She plows past Tin Tom, knocking him over on the way to the smooth wall over the absorbing mat. She starts clawing at it and before I can process what’s going on I’m running through the hologram screen to help her.

  “Where is it?” Rolanda hisses as she frantically feels the wall.

  It’s so smooth but there’s got to be a door somewhere. And he knows how to open it.

  I spin on my heels and grab Tin Tom. “Open the door,” I order him. He just blinks.

  “I’m not fucking around,” I scream as several other girls race to help us. “I’ll smash you to pieces you annoying fucking can opener!”

  “I am a robot,” Tin Tom says in his crackly voice. “I cannot be threatened with physical violence.”

  “Let’s see about that,” I say, opening a panel and grabbing a handful of his colorful wires.

  “Wait, wait, wait,” he screams in panic.

  “Open it!” I say with my best no-fucking-around voice. “Or I start yanking and you’ll wake up in a garbage pit.”

  Tin Tom blinks his lights and the door appears in the wall. Rolanda hits a button and it slides open.

  “Fuck you, Tin Tom,” I say, pushing him over as I follow the women out the door.

  He crackles something about not being authorized to enter the hallway but we just keep on going. It’s dark in the circular hallway with only the weird purple electricity running over the ceiling lighting things up.

  Rolanda is in front of me and Mandy is behind me, squeezing my shoulder and making me into a prisoner sandwich. “What’s the plan?” I ask Rolanda. She has to have a plan. Right?

  She turns back with a clenched jaw. “Murder everything in sight.”

  I gulp. I was going to go with finding an escape pod but murdering everything in sight can work too. If only I knew how to murder someone…

  “What did she say the plan was?” Mandy asks from behind me.

  I glance at her from over my shoulder. “Just stay out of Rolanda’s way. That’s our plan.”

  Rolanda stops in front of a door and I bump into her. God, her back muscles are pure rock. She turns around, already breathing hard with a fierce look in her eyes. “Do either of you have any fight training?” she whispers with one eye on the door.

  I swallow hard. My throat is so tight. “I took a Tae Bo class once,” I say as I shyly raise my hand.

  “Just one class?” she asks, holding my gaze.

  “Yeah,” I mutter. “I stopped because I had to take two buses to get there.”

  Rolanda is just staring blankly at me, looking like she’s at a loss for words. “Seriously?” she asks, not looking too impressed.

  “What?” I ask with a defensive shrug. “It was two buses.”

  She just shakes her head and places her palm over the button. “Wait!” Mandy whispers in a panic. “Are you sure about this?”

  Rolanda shakes her head with a fierce look that makes me feel so weak in comparison. “No, I’m not sure,” she hisses. “But if I’m going out, I’m going out fighting.”

  Well, that makes one of us because if I’m going out, I’m going out screaming while crouched in the fetal position. Hey, it’s how I came into this world and it’s how I’m going out. Don’t judge.

  “Get ready, girls,” Rolanda says, turning back to the door.

  “I’m not ready, I’m not ready,” Mandy says over and over again with her eyes closed.

  Rolanda doesn’t listen, or doesn’t care. She slaps the big red button and the doors slide open.

  three

  I take one look inside of the alien cockpit and step back, bumping into Mandy. There’s no way I’m going in there. The plan was to go in there swinging but I’ve never been good at sticking to plans and I’ve definitely never been good at swinging.

  “What the fuck?” Mandy screeches in my ear as she looks over my shoulder inside. There are three praying mantis-like things at the controls. They’re all smaller than Rsordan but look just as gross.

  Rolanda is not intimidated. She’s just pissed.

  She lunges in swinging her meaty fists, cracking their clicking jaws and disgusting green heads. They have beady little black eyes that are blinking at least ten times a second. At least they do until Rolanda hits them.

  They don’t even have time to fight back. Fuck, she’s fast. After a quick fury of fists and a storm of kicks the three aliens are unconscious in their seats slumped over onto the controls.

  “Shit,” I say, looking at the gross bodies. “I was just about to come in and help.”

  Rolanda shakes out her hand as she grabs one of the aliens and pulls him off the seat. “Right,” she says, slipping into the chair.

  It’s only then that I look out the windshield. Holy shit! It’s like I’m on the set of Star Trek, only there’s no green screen. This is the real deal.

  There are stars everywhere and even though we’re among them they’re still only the size of small dots in the sky.

  “Look at that,” Mandy says, pointing off to the right. We’re passing a huge planet that’s mostly brown and green with a little bit of blue. “Is that Pluto?”

  Rolanda shakes her head as she takes in a deep breath. “We’re a long way from Pluto.”

  “Can you get us back?” Mandy asks.

  Rolanda turns her head with a look of disbelief on her face. “Yeah, just give me a second. I’ve flown this model of UFO millions of times.
”

  Mandy’s shoulders drop as she takes a breath of relief.

  “She’s kidding, Mandy,” I whisper.

  Rolanda punches the unconscious alien that’s slumped on the controls next to her in the head. “Fuck!” she yells as it slides off the chair and onto the floor, even more unconscious than before. “Get me the robot.”

  Tin Tom!

  I race back down the dark hallway with the purple glow and turn back into the room. The women are still frantically trying to rip the room apart while Tin Tom blinks like crazy. “Pacify yourselves, breeding aged earthling women,” he shouts out over the screaming and tearing of metal. “This is not the actions required to attach yourself to the good graces of your new fearless leader, Rsordan!”

  A woman with orange hair nearly runs into me as I rush over to him. “Tin Tom,” I yell, bending down in front of him. “We need your help.”

  His lights are flashing as he turns to me with a small screen that I assume is his face. “Tom is occupied at the moment. He is busy calming all of the earthling women down.”

  A stick-thin girl screams as she runs past us, throwing herself against the wall. She bounces off like a tennis ball hitting a brick wall.

  “Yeah, you’re doing a great job,” I say, pulling him towards the hallway, “but I still need your help.”

  Tin Tom resists, locking his wheels in place. “Tom’s main function is to ease the distress of interplanetary travel. He must remain in the holding bay.”

  I could try to drag him all the way there but I think of a better idea. “Tin Tom,” I say with a gasp. “There’s a woman in the cockpit who is extremely agitated.”

  He unlocks his wheels and blinks his lights rapidly. “Preventing agitation is one of Tom’s core functions. Show me where this agitated earthling is and Tom will soothe her into tranquility.”

  “Come with me,” I shout as I spring up and race down the hallway with the tin piece of crap following me closely. If our only hope of getting home lies with this crappy Halloween costume than we’re screwed.

  “I got him,” I say as I rush into the cockpit. Mandy is standing as close to the wall as she can with a pale face. If she got any closer to the wall she’d be absorbed into it.