York is ready for deployment, so is Tex. I’m not. Ryley and I need more time before I ship off. She’s always on edge right before I have to leave. It’s even worse when I leave without much notice. My idea of a honeymoon doesn’t consist of leaving my bride and son days after we get married but I know it happens to all of us. It’s the military version of a shotgun wedding, a way of life...
Country first.
I get my gear stowed and climb onto the bus. It’s a short trip across base to our training facility. I honestly feel like running back, yet another component to a busted training exercise. I’m not tired even though I should be. I close my eyes and rest my head against the window of the bus. It’s the only way I can shut my brain off. I picture what it’s going to be like when I get home. EJ will be out back playing on his swing set with Deefur standing guard. Ryley will be weeding her flower garden, picking and pruning to keep her roses alive. Far off in the distance, in between planes taking off, the ocean will crash against the beach giving me a subtle reminder that we need to take a trip down there. I’m going to stand there, taking them all in before I announce that I’m home.
My eyes spring open as I lurch forward when the driver slams on his brakes. My eyes weren’t closed for ten minutes, and yet it felt like an hour. I scrub my hands over my face and wait my turn to get off. Tex stops in front of me, giving me a pass.
“You slept on the plane and the bus. You’re not getting old on me are you?”
“Nah, I was just resting my eyes.”
“Cold feet?” he asks, laughing.
“Hell no,” I say as I shoulder my rucksack. “There’s something not sitting right with that training mission and not having a debriefing.”
“What the hell would we debrief, the life of an armadillo by Tex and Arch? It was a busted training exercise. Maybe they’ll push our deployment back because of it. Who knows, just be happy you’re home and you get to marry that fine looking babe of yours.” Tex definitely has a way of putting everything in perspective. That or he just doesn’t care. He has his own things to worry about with his girl being pregnant. He’s afraid of making a commitment to her and finding out the kid isn’t his.
Tex is everything you’d expect in a cowboy but not a SEAL. Yet, there isn’t another man I’d trust as much to have beside me in battle, with the exception of my teammates. When Tex arrived on base he was this toothpick-looking kid. I had seen him around, but never gave him more than a friendly ‘hi’. He tested for the SEALs a year after, having put on a considerable amount of weight and muscle. He was top of his class, deadly with a rifle and a damn fine warrior.
Once my gear is back in my locker, I’m in my truck and heading home. No one lingers when you don’t have to unless there’s something brewing, then it’s pow-wow time. Only a few from my team live off base like I do. I broached the subject of moving to the Naval Station with Ryley after we get married, but she shot me down. It was stupid on my part, knowing that Evan bought them the house. It was my failed attempt to move past his death and on with our lives. Sometimes, I think it’s unhealthy to live there. Granted, all his stuff is gone – packed up in boxes being stored in the attic - but his ghost is there. Many times I’ll catch her just staring at the mantle. I do it too, but for different reasons.
One minor detour and I find myself where I hadn’t planned on going, at least not today. Ryley and EJ are waiting for me, and yet here I am walking through the grass with my hands stuffed into the pockets of my camo pants. I kneel down and wipe a few fallen leaves away from Evan’s marker.
EVAN ARCHER
SOC US NAVY
SEAL TEAM III
Son, Brother, Friend
Proud to Serve
Nowhere does it say anything about being a boyfriend, fiancé or a father. My mother did this, driving an even bigger wedge between us. She said it was tacky adding that he was a fiancé and especially a father when he wasn’t. It didn’t matter how hard I fought, I couldn’t get her to change her mind. Evan wouldn’t have wanted his marker to be like this.
“Shit’s crazy, man,” I say out loud. I want others to hear me, especially those who don’t get visitors. I may be here to talk to my brother, but the other guys buried here can listen.
“I’ve been gone for over a month training for deployment and we didn’t fire our guns once. We sat out in the desert and contemplated the life of tumbleweeds. I don’t know…” I pause and look around. There are a few people here, wives mostly. “We didn’t debrief either. Seems odd and I can’t shake the feeling that something’s up.”
I sit down, pulling my knees up and resting my hands over them. “I can’t imagine how much EJ has changed since I’ve been gone. I hate leaving them, Evan, but she tells me to go. I thought about taking a desk job. You know, asking Carole for a recommendation or something, but I wouldn’t be happy and Ryley knows that. I’m deploying soon. I just found out and have to tell her when I get home. I don’t even want to see the look on her face, or to tell EJ that I have to go away for eighteen months.
“This war, it’s ugly. We’re fighting and when we think we’ve made headway, another group pops up and everything we’ve accomplished seems to be thrown to the wayside. They don’t care about their country or their families. They only care about hurting people and destruction.
“Livvie and Mom are doing okay. I just wish things were different. Getting Mom to accept anything is like taking candy from a two year old. It’s sad, but I’m not even looking forward to telling her that I’m leaving. I don’t care if she comes down to say goodbye or not, because when she’s here she stresses Ryley out and I do enough of that for the both of us.
“While I was gone, I started thinking back to high school. Life was so much easier and our biggest worry was any upcoming game we had or making sure we didn’t track mud into the house. Sometimes I want to go back to those days and pretend that 9-11 didn’t happen, and that we didn’t change our course. Losing you and Dad, both in combat, it makes me stop and think. I love my country, but I love my family too and sometimes I think they should come first.
“EJ will be starting school this year. He’s a walking, talking mini version of you. I think he’ll enlist when he’s older, and that scares me. Ryley doesn’t say anything, but I know she’s thinking about it. I don’t remember playing ‘Army’ when we were kids. I don’t know, maybe we did. He does it all the time because it’s what he knows. Maybe before I go home I’ll get him a destroyer and teach him to play Battleship, steer him on the right path if he’s going to enlist. I just can’t lose him, too. He’s my last link to you and Dad and I don’t know what I’d do without him in my life.”
I lie back in the grass with my arms behind my head. Evan and I did this once after our father died. We stayed with him the night he was buried so he wouldn’t be alone. When the sun rose that next morning, I realized that I had never closed my eyes.
When Evan died, I didn’t leave for a week.
“Losing you, Evan, changed everything.”
A FEW MORE BEACHGOERS arrive as bonfires are started and music is played. I sit next to Ryley while EJ plays a few feet in front of us. Deefur lies next to him watching his every move. Deefur has turned out to be the dog I thought he would be, a protector and best friend. The sun, still blazing and far from setting, keeps us shrouded in daylight. It’s almost a perfect day if only life wasn’t looming over us. There’s still the ongoing uncertainty of what’s going to happen to us and finding out how everything went to shit when we went on that mission.
I can’t keep putting off my own investigation. River says we should wait, but waiting only gives the people at the top more time to bury the truth. He’s the luckiest of us all. His wife never thought he was dead, or she just lived in denial. When he arrived home, he was welcomed with open arms while the rest of us struggled. There’s still the matter of our other team members and why only four of us were sent on the mission.
Far too many questions linger without enough answers.
/> Ryley leans her head on my shoulder and I slouch down to make her more comfortable. Being on the beach, it’s as if we’re the only people in the world that exist. It’s as if the moment we start packing up and heading to the car, reality shines like a high wattage flashlight right in our path, reminding us that we can’t see what’s coming. Nate. Finding out what happened to us. Learning who’s responsible. They’re all catalysts for our destruction.
Deefur adjusts to sitting and stares at the kids down the beach. His growl is just loud enough to alert me that he doesn’t like something. I look around, trying to be as subtle as I can. Ryley doesn’t hear Deefur or she’d say something. Nothing looks out of the ordinary, but that doesn’t mean my senses aren’t heightened. Dogs are great at signaling when something isn’t right.
“EJ,” I yell. He turns his head, looking at me over his shoulder. “Why don’t you build this way? You’re getting too far.”
“Okay, Eban.” And just like that he turns toward us and starts his digging adventure. Deefur cocks his head slightly, alternating between looking down the beach and watching EJ before turning his focus back on the people not too far from us.
Eban. Him saying my name instead of “Dad” or “Daddy” makes me think. I’m waiting for Ryley to say something, but I’m not sure how long I’m willing to wait. I’m his father, dead or not. He needs to know the truth, and it’s better now than later.
“Should we think about heading home?” I’m reluctant to leave, but Deefur has me on edge.
“No, home is messy. The beach is serene and calm. Besides, EJ is having fun and we’re here as a family. Why do you want to go home?”
I can’t tell her that the dog has me concerned and that he thinks that there’s a threat here. I don’t want her to panic. The other night was enough. After spending time with River, Frannie, Rask and McCoy, we’re all on edge. There’s a fear we all carry. Someone doesn’t want us alive and they know we’re not going to stop until we figure out why. That puts our families in danger, and causes a lot of sleepless nights for me.
Shrugging, I try to play it off. Truth is, I want to pack her and EJ up and head to Washington for a while. I’d like to visit some of my father’s old Navy buddies and see if they can help. I figured the retired vets who are still working might have a better chance at uncovering something even though I know Carole is going to use her resources. I can’t let Ryley’s mom risk her career or her life for me.
I kiss Ryley on the head and stand, a ruse so I can change positions without having to ask her to move. I sit behind her and she immediately falls into my arms.
“Are you cold?” I ask as she pulls her long sleeves over her hands.
She shakes her head. “No, I just got a chill. It’s passed now.” Ryley rests her head on my arm and her back against my chest. This is perfection. At least it is for me.
“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about Livvie moving in. I know you said it’s fine, but you also said she and my mother haven’t treated you very well since my…” I can’t bring myself to say the word death out loud. Being gone for six years is nothing compared to hearing that your family thinks you’re dead. “If you’re not comfortable with her being there, I’ll ask her to leave.”
Ryley sighs. “She’s good with EJ.”
I lean forward as far as I can to make eye contact with her. “But is she good with you? I don’t want things at the house to be awkward,” I tell her as I lean back and pull her to my chest. “You need to be comfortable in your home and if she makes you uncomfortable, I’ll ask her to leave. I’m sure she has friends down here, or she can stay with Carter and Lois.”
Ryley nods and her hands hang from my arms. “Lois would love that. Grace loves Livvie.”
“Who’s Grace?”
She chuckles lightly. “Grace is EJ’s future wife.” I tickle her sides when she says that and continue to do so even as she attempts to move away from me.
“You know he may be a boy, but no woman will ever be good enough for him,” I say once I let go. Ryley crawls back into her spot and faces me.
“I feel the same way and I know your mom does as well. Thing is, when you fall in love, it’s because of who you’re meant to be with, not who your parents choose for you.” Her hand caresses my face and I fight every urge to lean in and steal a kiss. “Grace is Carter and Lois’s daughter. She’s just a few months younger than EJ.”
Taking her hand from my cheek, I kiss her palm. “You and Lois were pregnant together.” I say matter-of-factly. “When we were in high school I remember Carter coming over one day all freaked out because Lois thought she was pregnant and all I could think about was what it would be like to see you holding our child. I was eighteen and having thoughts about us having a family. That day in the park, when I hit you – which I’m thinking wasn’t an accident at all but actually kismet – I knew then that you were meant for me, Ry.”
With the strict no kissing in front of EJ policy in place, she wraps her arms around me. I want to lay her down and hold her, but won’t compromise her like that in front of EJ. There’s so much I want to do to her, but can’t. My hands are furtively tied behind my back where she’s concerned and I know I’m going to lose my shit if I see Nate touch her.
She pulls away, resuming her spot between my legs. She brings my arms around her, encasing her. “We need to talk about what happens when Nate comes back.”
There’s a low growl building when she brings up his name and pending return. I’m not looking forward to seeing him act as if he’s me. He’s taken my girl, my son, my dog and my house and if he thinks that I’m just going to walk away gracefully, he’s got another think coming. Ryley is the only one who can tell me to leave and I don’t think she will.
“I’m not going to pretend I know what I’m doing, but EJ can’t get hurt. Nate is going to come home soon, and whether you like it or not, he thinks of that house as his home. When he does… when you see him, you can’t hurt him. You can’t fight, not in front of EJ.”
“I want to kill him, Ry.”
She turns, facing me with tears in her eyes. Again, her hand caresses my cheek. “You won’t because your son loves him.”
I look at EJ, so innocent and unaware of the truth, a truth that he needs to know. If Ryley and Nate think I’m going to stand by and let this charade continue, they’re sorely mistaken. Children are resilient. That’s something I learned from the mission we were on. Each child we saved gave us hope even though they had none themselves.
Ryley brings my face back to hers. “Are you hearing me?”
“I want my family back, Ryley.” I leave her with that thought, and go back over to EJ as I had promised earlier. I start helping him build his sand castle, working together as father and son.
COMING HOME TO AN empty house is not my idea of happiness. I’ve been counting the hours until I could return home... until I could hold Ryley and play ball with EJ in the backyard. At this point, mowing the lawn is better than where I’ve been. I’m just happy to be home.
The house has an eerie feel, almost somber. It’s too quiet for my liking. I turn on the TV to create some background noise. The luggage in the corner catches my eye and I rifle through it. I’m nosey. It’s my nature. It’s full of women’s clothing but nothing Ryley would wear. Maybe Carter and Lois had a fight while I was gone and she’s been staying here. I doubt it, but it’s better than thinking Ryley has suddenly taken on a transient.
I walk into the kitchen and pull a beer out of the fridge. I should call Ryley and tell her I’m home, but I think surprising her would be best. I love seeing the look on her face when I come home. The way she feels pressed against my body after I’ve been gone. I’ve missed her terribly and need to hold her.
Sitting down on the couch, I pick up the pad of paper on the coffee table, hoping to find a note as to where she might be. It’s just her doodles, the silly little drawings that she used to do back in high school.
She draws swirly designs all over her no
tepad. I don’t know why girls do this. Is it so they don’t have to make eye contact with us? If so, that’s the stupidest reason ever. She didn’t even move when I sat down. I saw her in the hall earlier and almost lost my shit. Evan is going to freak out when he finds out. I send him a quick text, letting him know that the angel that saved him from purgatory is sitting next to me in class. I sort of want to ask her to look at me so I can razz him later about the shiner he gave her. I’ve never seen him so pussy whipped by a girl he doesn’t even know.
I wish I could remember her name. If I did, I could introduce myself again. I wasn’t paying attention yesterday because I thought she was just another piece of ass for Evan. But he acted differently around her at the park, and I’ve never seen him stare at the phone for so long. That’s where I found him this morning – asleep with his head on top of the phone. He had a nice indent when he woke up.
She peers at me, and I smile. She probably thinks I’m creepy. I probably am creepy. Her head pops up and now she’s full on staring. I close my mouth, afraid that I have something in my teeth. Evan has been making me drink those damn protein shakes in the morning to bulk up, but I know I brushed my teeth. There can’t be any residue left, right?
“You look just like your brother,” she blurts out and I’m rewarded with the most glorious shade of red as she blushes. Her beautiful hair -- the color of red autumn leaves -- tries to hide her face, and I’m tempted to reach out and push it behind her ear.
Wait, what?
This is Evan’s girl.
I can’t touch her.
But I want to.
I laugh, and it’s awkward. She turns to face me again and her eyes pierce mine. She thinks I’m laughing at her. I’m not. I’m laughing at my idiotic heart that is falling for a girl my brother desperately wants. Oh, the irony.
“We’re twins, and you just made the other me very happy.” Where do I come up with this crap? We’re twins? And why do I care if he’s happy? I want her for myself. Maybe she’ll see just how much of a douche Evan can be and I can console her.
Choose Me Page 2