A Knight of Contradictions

by J A Alexander

  Stepping out of her carriage, Anna looked around at all the people she had grown up with during her school years. She wasn’t on bad terms with any of them, with a few exceptions, but she wasn’t on good terms with them either. Given that she was royalty, they all treated her well, wanting to be in her good graces if she ever took power. None get close enough to her to be considered a friend, though. Once again, Anna was missing her old servant. He had always been the only one to sit with her at lunch and keep her company during their breaks. But there was nothing to be done about it, so she simply went to her first class and squashed the thought. Once everyone was done showing off their new knights, the teacher greeted them from down in front.

  “Hello, everyone. I am Mr. Plat, and I’ll be teaching you the wonders of the mathematical world,” the skinny man said with gusto.

  Everyone groaned at this except for her, one student going so far as to say, “Come on, Mr. P. We’ll never need to know this stuff. We have people for that, remember?”

  “Oh, and I suppose you want to be that one dullard who can’t even add two plus two, eh, Mister…?”

  “Bartholomew, sir, but everyone calls me Bart.”

  Bart had always offended Anna severely, being somewhat the class clown. He had short brown, spiky hair and the smile of a hyena that always annoyed her to no end. His knight looked like some sort of twisted, metal jester, with an eerie mask and knives sheathed at his side, like those you’d see in a performance. Anna didn’t have any proof, but she was sure Bart was the one who had started people calling her Princess Washboard behind her back.

  “All right, Mr. Bart, why don’t you come up here and show me the most difficult math you can do using these numbers?”

  “Oh, sure thing,” he said, his smile fading just a bit.

  Bart went down to the chalkboard and stared at it for a second before he slowly started writing. At first it looked as though he was going to use the Pythagorean theorem, but he forgot how to square. Then he tried to do long division but kept putting the numbers in the wrong place. After a few more futile attempts, he threw the chalk at the board and stormed back to his seat. The class was laughing—but not the way he wanted them to.

  “Anyone else think they can come up here and do something with these numbers?”

  Anna immediately raised her hand and went down to the board to show her stuff. It was really quite simple, at least to her it was, as it was just a normal linear function. Everyone begrudgingly clapped for Anna. Mr. Plat praised her for actually having a brain. Bart was quiet for the rest of the class and left the room for their break in silence. As she made her way to her next class, wanting to get a head start, Anna was stopped in her path by Bart and his knight, who had their hands behind their backs.

  “Hello, Princess. Can I call you Anna? Well, Anna, it was pretty impressive what you did back there, and I’d like to show how much I admired you for it,” Bart said, stepping closer.

  “Okay…but how will you go about doing that?” Anna took a small step back.

  “Like this!”

  As he screamed, Bart pulled a coconut crème pie from behind him and tossed it at Anna’s face. She was completely unprepared for this, but her knight had seen it coming a mile away and easily batted the pie back into Bart’s face. Bart had prematurely begun laughing at his own prank, so when the pie hit him, his head was thrown back, and a good deal of crust made it up his nose. At this, a crazed laugh started coming from Bart’s knight as it began pointing at him, dancing around.

  “You idiot, you’re not supposed to laugh at me. It’s only funny when it happens to someone else,” Bart growled, wiping his face and throwing bits of the pie at his knight.

  Surprised, Anna said, “Oh, your knight can talk too?”

  “No, he’s only supposed to laugh at stuff that I do to others, not me. A knight can’t talk.”

  “Well, mine must be a better model, because it can,” Anna said with a smirk.

  “Sup, squirt,” her knight said, saluting the young boy.

  “Great, the rumors are true. Apparently, you’re smarter than me, of a higher class, and have a better knight, is there anything else?” Bart blew a large chunk of crust out of his nose.

  “She’s probably richer too,” Anna’s knight slipped in at the end.

  “Whatever. I need to go wash this off,” Bart said, going off to find a bathroom, grumbling all the while.

  After he left, Anna hurried off to class, one she was very excited about. Thanks to the earlier distraction, she was unable to find a seat up front and had to settle for one in the back next to a girl in the corner. Anna knew of the girl because of her condition, but again, they weren’t exactly friends. This was Shel, one of the few girls who had as small and frail a body as Anna. However, this was owing to whatever sickness she had.

  A person could clearly see its effects on her, being that her long brown hair had a grayish tint to it, plus the dark bags under her eyes. Shel’s knight was the complete opposite of her, standing seven feet tall with spikes protruding from his body. He carried no weapons, for his body was one. What was really weird about the pair was that Shel’s knight seemed a bit overprotective of her. This became evident when her knight stopped Anna from sitting down next to her.

  “May I sit here please?” she asked, unsure of herself.

  Shel looked at her knight and said in a quiet voice, “Please, let them sit next to me.”

  It took a moment, but Shel’s knight finally backed off and let Anna sit down. After that, the teacher stood up to start the class. Just as she did, Bart skidded into the room and took up the seat next to Anna—after going through the same process with Shel’s knight, of course.

  The round, kindly teacher started, saying, “Ahem! Now that everyone is present, we may begin. My name is Mrs. Pinkerton, and I will be teaching you the art of magic. I’m certain everyone here knows a thing or two about it already, but you’ve only just recently gotten a taste of what it can really do. Your knights are the most powerful works of magic that we are capable of. To be able to create such a thing takes great skill and careful attention to detail. But what exactly is a knight?”

  A girl up front raised her hand. “It is a metal golem that will listen to whomever it is assigned to. It has no free will or any kind of emotions or thoughts.”

  “That’s a start, I suppose. A knight is custom crafted for the person it will protect, which is why they all look different. However, the reason they are such mindless creatures is partly because we are not able to make a full-fledged person. The other part is that no noble really needs or wants their knight to be human or think for themselves, so we’ve never pushed the creation of them any further in that way. Now, it’s normal for a knight to have a quirk or two akin to their master. But just recently we’ve had an uproar in the community over a certain princess’s knight. Princess Anna, would you step forward?”

  Anna and her knight went down to the front of the room and faced the class. She smiled politely and gave a small curtsy. Inside though, Anna was desperately wishing she could go back to her seat. Being the center of attention had never been appealing to her.

  “May we have a demonstration please?”

  “Very well,” Anna said. “Knight, say something for us.”

  Her knight crossed his arms and finally said, “Your explaining what a knight is was probably the most boring thing I’ve ever had to endure in the span of my three-day life. Also, math sucks. Seriously, who even likes it?”

  From somewhere in the back, Bart hollered his agreement while Anna blushed. She started apologizing to Mrs. Pinkerton, but was cut off by a squeal of delight from the teacher.

  “I can’t believe it! He really can talk. This is the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen. What else can he do?” she eagerly asked.

  “Uh, well, he can…make jokes?” Anna shrugged.

  “Marvelous!
Just marvelous. I wonder what could have caused this.”

  She went on, coming up with a dozen theories about what could have caused such a malfunction until the end of class. Anna just smiled through it all and left quickly, not wanting to be questioned longer than she had to be. Next came the more mundane classes of history, music, and after that, lunch. The dining hall was large enough to house the hundreds of students who were both living in the castle itself and commuting. The food of course was sublime but not really anything to talk about, seeing that it was the same thing the students ate at home. Picking a table by a window in the most reclusive corner, Anna had her lunch until she was interrupted by someone she disliked greatly.

  “Hello, little sister. How are you enjoying the school lunch today?”

  Coraline was Anna’s older sister by one year and from the same mother as her, only Coraline seemed to have gotten the better genes. Coraline had golden hair like Anna, except it was well curled and puffy. Plus she was a lot more developed when it came to her body. The one thing Anna could say was wrong with Coraline was her eyes—deep, venomous pools that only served to anger people. Growing up, Anna had always been considered the runt of the family and had been treated as such by most of her siblings, especially her older sister. Coraline had always mistreated her and taken advantage of her at home, in school, even in public. Not wanting an altercation so soon after starting school, Anna just kept her head down and went along with it.

  “I’m doing fine, sister, and you?”

  “Oh, great. I’m doing fine. Say, I couldn’t help but notice you sitting here by yourself and thought you might want some company.”

  Anna sighed. “Do sit down. I would so enjoy your company.”

  Taking a seat next to her, Coraline got in real close to her and whispered, “So, that’s your knight, eh? Pretty unremarkable if you ask me. Not anything like mine.”

  Coraline’s knight was on the slender side and moved like a snake as it came up behind her. For weapons, he had a simple sword and dagger, but what really scared Anna were the many pouches at his side. Anna had learned the hard way of the poisons inside when just a few weeks ago she’d had a few drops slipped into her tea. It hadn’t been enough to kill her, but Anna still had been stuck eating bland porridge for the week after the fact.

  “But I guess a runt like you is going to get something like that, right?”

  Anna’s knight was about to step in, but she stopped him, saying, “I suppose you’re right. We all can’t be as great as you and your knight.”

  Coraline got a sour look on her face and said, “You’ve really got some attitude for a little brat—”

  “Excuse me. I hate to interrupt, but I’d like to sit here.”

  It was Bart and his knight, once again with their hands behind their backs. He came up to Coraline with a big grin on his face, and just as he got near her, he tripped forward, pulled another pie out, and threw it into her face. Coraline started shaking with fury, about to completely lose it. She decided against retaliation, there being two knights against her one, and just walked away, giving them each a dirty look. Still grinning, Bart sat down next to Anna and had his knight bring lunch to him.

  Smiling herself, Anna asked, “Where do you keep getting these pies?”

  Anna was a bit suspicious on why Bart was being so friendly all of a sudden. However, as far as his record showed, he had never done anything truly terrible to anyone. The worst thing he did, at least to Anna, was disrespect the teachers by calling them Mr. P and the like. So, Bart wasn’t a bad guy, and better yet, he had just stood up for her. Maybe it would be okay to let her guard down, but not too much in case of another pie.

  “Eh, I know someone in the kitchen. Oh, and just so you know, I’m sitting here.”

  “Just so you know, she’s going to get back at you for what you did—not to mention mess with me just because.”

  “Meh, let her try. I am the master of messing with people.”

  “You certainly are. Just be sure that it doesn’t come back to bite you in the butt.”

  “Trust me it has, many, many times. So many times…”

  Chapter 4

  As it turned out, Bart wasn’t one to care about something like difference in status. Apparently, he was one of the lower nobles whose family dealt with the commoners. Being in contact with the rabble had taught him all sorts of things, like how to make a farting noise with his armpit. So Bart really wasn’t one of class or finesse, but he had a sort of rustic charm that Anna was unaccustomed to. She had a couple classes with him, and while Anna did find his jokes somewhat annoying, they weren’t the worst thing.

  The worst thing was having to deal with everyone trying to get a response from her knight, and it was never a good one. Just yesterday, he had given a rather rude gesture to one of her classmates, and the girl had nearly fainted. The first week of school had been a disaster, and in the end, nobody liked her knight—or was really fond of her either. The only teacher who could put up with him was Mrs. Pinkerton, and that was because she thought he was such an interesting specimen to study.

  “Why are you such a jerk to everyone?” Anna asked as they were heading to magic class.

  “Because I don’t like them. They’re all snobs who think nothing of me,” he said with a bitter edge.

  “Well maybe if you weren’t such a snob to them they’d like you. I mean, Mrs. Pinkerton—”

  “Mrs. Pinkerton thinks I’m a defect, an oddity.”

  “Well…well, I don’t know, but you can’t keep acting like this, or soon everyone will be our enemy.”

  “You’re a princess—it’s only natural for you to have enemies. And, come on, you have Bart, right?”

  “Bart’s…well, he’s an idiot, but it’s your job to protect me, not put me in danger. Or do you hate me too?”

  He sighed, saying, “No, I don’t. I mean, I know I treat you badly, but—”

  He was interrupted by Mrs. Pinkerton, who said, “Everyone settle down. Today I’d like to inform you of the signups for the duels.”

  The class got excited as she went on. “Now, I know you’re all eager to prove your knight is better than the rest, but first we’ll have to go over some ground rules so no one gets hurt. First, both parties have to consent before a duel begins. And next, well, it really is just an all-out battle to see who can make the other give up first. Ooh, and a good thing, we’ve made sure that our referees are well trained so that no one dies like last year.”

  Bart looked as if he were about to explode as he said, “God, I’m so excited to show off my knight!”

  Shel leaned over and said, “Yes, I’m quite excited myself, but I’m afraid my knight would never allow me to put myself in danger like that.”

  Bart snorted, “Oh, please, you’re not that frail. And if he’s a good fighter you won’t even have to worry about getting hurt.”

  Anna joined the conversation, saying, “First off, you’d both need to find someone to fight. And other than another noble who just got their knight, I don’t think anyone would waste their time on you.”

  Bart smiled and said, “Well, we happen to be friends, so…”

  “No,” Anna said, ending that line of conversation.

  “How ’bout it, Shel?”

  “We’re not friends,” she said.

  “How’d I get stuck with the two biggest prunes in the school?” he said, looking up to the ceiling.

  “You can stop bothering us whenever you want and go play by yourself,” Anna said, sweet as candy.

  “Oh, you two are so cold.”

  It was lunch time again when Anna saw something strange. Coraline was talking to Shel, and from the way they looked, it didn’t seem to be about anything good. Anna tried talking to Shel afterward, but she ran off before the princess could talk to her. Anna had a few classes with her, but Shel completely ignored her and kep
t her nose in her textbooks. Going home, Anna forgot all about the little secret meeting and went to sleep easily.

  “Hmm, this is going to be a good day,” Anna said, throwing open her drapes the next day.

  “You really think that?” Her knight was leaning against the wall, checking his nonexistent fingernails.

  “You’re just trying to ruin my morning.”

  “You’re just trying to give me a headache.”

  Anna turned on her knight and said, “What are you talking about?”

  “Nothing. It’s just that you seem to be ignoring all the signs of your inevitable misfortune.”

  “Are you talking about Shel and Coraline?” Anna rolled her eyes. “Please, they were probably just talking about…well, I don’t know, but it’s nothing.”

  Anna’s knight just shook his head and said, “We’ll see.”

  “Be quiet.”

  Her knight just shrugged and went back to his pointless preening. Anna rolled her eyes again and went about preparing for school. After she was dressed, Anna hurried to her carriage. Bill dropped her off at school and waved goodbye for the time being. Anna walked past her fellow students, all of whom were staring at her and laughing. Anna finally saw why they had been so amused when she went inside. Someone had put up a big mirror in the entryway and playing on repeat in the mirror was Anna going to the bathroom.

  “Whew, you certainly are pushing hard there, aren’t you?” Bart said as he came up next to her.

  “Who did this?” Anna said, shaking with anger.

  Her knight took a closer look and said, “The bigger question is, who has to brace themselves that much just to poop? Really, were you laying an egg or something?”

  “Shut up and find out who did this. Now!”

  “Probably an upperclassman. They’re the only ones who can do magic like this,” Bart said after some thought.

  Turning to her knight, Anna said, “You heard him. Go do something about it.”

  “I guess I can break the mirror, but that’s all I can do really.”