Deep Trouble

by Rob Stevens

  ‘It’s just one of those things I’ve never got round to trying,’ Archie replied, straining to keep his head above the surface.

  When Evelyn Tension withdrew her hand Archie understood her immunity to the acid. The glove she had been wearing had been dissolved by the turquoise liquid fizzing by his ear, but her hand had remained unaffected by the acid’s flesh-stripping capabilities . . . because it was mechanical.

  Tension flexed her robotic hand a few times, admiring the elegant steel fingers and intricate circuitry around her wrist as the acid evaporated, leaving the limb shiny as new.

  Fighting against the human arm that was forcing him down towards the corrosive liquid, Archie flailed a hand blindly at Tension’s face. His fingertips brushed against the top of her ear and he gripped on to the fleshy lug for all he was worth, dragging her face towards the acid. When she pulled her head back Archie maintained his grip and felt Tension’s ear coming away in his hand. The sound of tearing flesh was so excruciating Archie almost released his handful of skin but he knew the future of the world depended on him winning this battle.

  Tension pulled her head back, and as she twisted her face away from Archie, a piece of flesh about two feet long peeled away from her chin, stretching taut between her throat and Archie’s grip. When it finally ripped free of Tension’s face it recoiled like an elastic band, pinging into Archie’s hand. He retched and immediately flung the skin into the bubbling moat, where it dissolved instantly, while Tension seemed unaware that half her face had peeled off. It was as if she felt no pain.

  Momentarily terrified by the thought of what state his enemy’s face would be in, Archie caught his breath – expecting a bloody skull to turn back to face him. But when Evelyn Tension looked his way he realised that he had not torn a strip of flesh from her face – just another layer of latex mask.

  The whole of the lower half of the evil villain’s face, along with one cheekbone and an eye socket, was made of steel. A glass eye stared blankly from its exposed hollow like an emerald green bauble.

  Large countersunk screws hinged her bottom jaw to her skull just in front of where her ears were supposed to be. Her mouth was lined with perfect white dentures, but without the frame of her plump lips her smile was like the crazy grin of a ventriloquist’s dummy.

  ‘Now, now,’ she teased, apparently unaware that she had lost half her face. ‘Play nice, Archie, or you won’t have any friends.’

  ‘I will if you will,’ Archie replied with a grimace.

  ‘Leave him alone,’ Gemma yelled from the platform.

  Barney stood with his toes overhanging the edge of the moat, as if considering leaping across. Apparently thinking better of it, he growled, ‘Man, I wish I could get across there and kick your butt.’

  ‘If I were you, heaven forbid, I’d be very careful what I wished for, young man.’ Letting out an evil laugh, Tension shoved Archie’s head further back towards the acid. He could feel the vile concoction spitting on to his hair, singeing his scalp. If he didn’t do something pretty soon, the top of his skull was going to be submerged and the fight would be over.

  Suddenly remembering the magno-pen he had hidden in the leg of his wetsuit, Archie reached down to his ankle and slipped it out. Articulating the fingers of one hand he twisted its barrel to arm the device but before he could click the button on its end, Tension snatched it from his grip.

  ‘Naughty, naughty,’ she scolded, tossing the gadget across the room. ‘I know they say the pen is mightier than the sword –’ her playful expression hardened instantly into one of murderous intent – ‘but the bionic arm is mightier than the lot.’

  With that her mechanical hand flashed down, gripping Archie’s shoulder with such force that searing nerve-shredding pain shot through every extremity of his body.

  He tried to fight her off, willing his fists to fly at her freakish half-human face – but his arms just lay limply at his sides. If he could just raise a knee he might be able to lever her over his head and into the chemical pool. But his legs didn’t respond with even so much as a twitch.

  ‘Poor Archie,’ Tension soothed. ‘It seems as though I’ve touched a nerve. I can tell you’re trying so hard to fight me off but your body just won’t play ball, will it?’

  Archie wanted to scream in agony and yell out in protest at the white-hot pain inside him, but he couldn’t even open his mouth. The only part of his body he was able to move were his eyeballs, which was ironic because they were about the only part of his body he didn’t want to move. He wanted to keep them locked on his enemy.

  ‘So it appears I have the upper hand?’ Evelyn Tension arched one eyebrow but her subtle expression of cool superiority was spoiled by her metal mouth being clenched into a permanently manic grin.

  ‘What are you doing to him?’ Gemma shouted angrily from the island. ‘Leave him alone.’

  ‘This is what I call the Over Grip,’ Tension announced, her voice oozing with self-satisfaction. ‘Because when I use it, it’s all over. Actually maybe I should call it the All Over Grip? Or how about something slightly more devilish like – oh, what about the Numbifier? You know, like Mummifer but Numbifier – because it makes your whole body numb. Oooh, that’s divine.’

  Gemma’s lip curled into an angry snarl. ‘How about calling it the You’ll be sorry when I get my hands on youifer?’

  ‘Bravo!’ Tension enthused condescendingly. ‘I do admire your pluck, young lady. Unfortunately you won’t get your grubby little hands on me because you’ll never make it off that platform alive. And poor Archie here can’t help you because I have immobilised his entire body by applying an inhuman amount of pressure to his suprascapular nerve endings. His entire body is currently infused with such an enormous amount of pain that his brain is unable to process any motor function impulses . . . When I put it like that, I suppose the Numbifier isn’t such a good name after all. Sounds rather peaceful, doesn’t it?’

  Maintaining her grip on Archie’s shoulder, Evelyn Tension climbed off him as if dismounting a horse and stood up, holding him off the ground at arm’s length. Archie’s body hung completely lifeless from her bionic fist, like a wet towel. His arms sagged by his sides and his head lolled helplessly to one side. He could feel a string of gooey saliva trickling from the corner of his mouth, which was gaping open, and his tongue flopped out like a thirsty dog.

  ‘Let him go right now,’ Barney shouted, fury raising the pitch of his voice.

  As Evelyn Tension turned to face Barney, she swung Archie round so that he was hanging over the bubbling blue-green acid.

  ‘Whatever you say.’

  Evelyn Tension giggled naughtily. ‘But first I want to tell you about my delicious plot to take over the world. And when you have heard what I have to say, you will agree that I am the most despicable, the most devious and the evilest mastermind ever in the history of the world.’ Flicking her hair off one shoulder she added, ‘As well as being the most beautiful . . . obviously.’

  ‘Talk about crazy,’ Gemma muttered.

  ‘I know,’ Barney mumbled. ‘Has she even looked in a mirror?’

  Evelyn Tension swung Archie away from the acid and walked towards the entrance hatch, dragging him behind her like a sack of rubbish. Propping him up against the periscope, she leaned close to his ear and whispered, ‘Just lie here and relax, there’s a good boy. You’ll be able to speak in a minute or so but it’ll take much longer for you to get movement back in your limbs. I just want you to hear all about how fabulous I am.’ She stroked his hair with maternal affection. ‘Then I’m going to kill you.’

  All sorts of defiant words went through Archie’s mind but he couldn’t get his mouth to move, so he drooled instead.

  ‘Here comes the Evil Mastermind monologue,’ Barney muttered to Gemma. ‘I reckon we’ve got about five minutes until crunch time.’

  Tension spun round and strutted a few paces towards the edge of the moat, where she stopped, hands on hips. Then she turned, with a lingering look over
her shoulder, and sashayed back towards Archie.

  ‘I, Evelyn Tension, have succeeded in my plan to plant a fake Prime Minister in Ten Downing Street.’ Pausing to glare down at Archie, she spun round and strutted back the other way. ‘In less than four hours the world will see Britain’s beloved Prime Minister, Adam Winchester, launch a nuclear attack on Switzerland that will plunge the world into a self-destructive apocalyptical Armageddon.’ Pausing for dramatic effect, she dropped her chin and held Gemma’s gaze, then shrieked. ‘The world will be totally destroyed!’

  ‘Yeah,’ Gemma sneered. ‘I worked that out from the self-destructive apocalyptical Armageddon bit.’

  ‘But here comes the real genius of my plan,’ Tension purred, turning and striding towards Archie. ‘Here comes the part that is so beautiful, it’s almost as perfect as I am.’

  ‘Is it that you’ll survive the nuclear fallout because you’re going to stay underwater?’ Archie slurred.

  ‘I will survive the nuclear fallout,’ Tension announced grandly, ‘because I’m going to stay down here underwater – wait, you just said that!’

  Archie tried to shrug but his shoulders didn’t move – although he thought he felt one of his muscles twitch.

  ‘No, no, here’s the beautiful part,’ Tension asserted, wagging her steel finger at Archie. ‘The beautiful part is that the real Adam Winchester will get to watch himself start World War Three just before that laser beam reaches him. It is powerful enough to cut through steel like a knife through butter. Just imagine what it will do to our poor Mr Winchester. He will end his life knowing that the world holds him responsible for its ultimate demise.’

  Archie glanced past the crazy assassin’s shoulder and noticed a TV screen suspended high above the round platform. It faced directly downward, transmitting 24-hour rolling news coverage of the impending nuclear crisis to its captive audience.

  ‘Isn’t it a bit dangerous having a laser capable of cutting through steel on a submarine constructed of, you know, steel?’ Archie mumbled, feeling his lips tingling.

  ‘The slab Mr Winchester is tied to is three metres thick and made of steel reinforced with layers of fibreglass mesh. The laser’s programmed to reach the PM’s delicate flesh at five minutes past midnight. Just after he’s seen himself end the world. Provided the laser doesn’t stray off course, no harm will come to the rest of the ship.’

  ‘What’s he ever done to you?’ Gemma called.

  ‘What’s he ever done to me?’ Tension snarled. ‘Oh, nothing much. Apart from making me forsake my whole family in order to do his government’s dirty work, then tear up my licence to kill and authorise another British agent to rub me out.’

  Archie felt his fingers tingling and he moved his chin an inch to the left. ‘You missed out the part where you started working as a hired assassin, taking contracts from foreign criminals. You even targeted members of the British Foreign Office.’

  ‘Oh, come on!’ Tension complained. ‘What difference are a few extra hits going to make to the price of fish?’

  ‘They were innocent people,’ Archie exclaimed.

  ‘But the money was sooo good,’ said Tension sulkily. ‘I mean, how’s a girl supposed to stock her designer wardrobe on a government salary alone? And the jobs were a doddle too. Money for old rope – usually tied into a noose and slung over a roof beam.’ Her brittle laugh echoed round the Command Room’s steel panelling.

  ‘And what about working as a double agent?’ Barney chipped in. ‘Selling secrets to the Russians is cheap. Really cheap.’

  ‘You obviously don’t know what I was charging, darling,’ Tension quipped.

  Watching Evelyn Tension brag and strut like a peacock, Archie detected something tragic about her. Yes, she was insane and psychotic, but there was something vulnerable about her too, almost sad.

  ‘It’s not my fault I ended up here anyway,’ she said. ‘I blame my father.’

  ‘What did he do?’ Archie asked gently.

  Evelyn Tension stopped and turned to him, looking reflective for a moment.

  ‘When I was ten my father didn’t buy me a pony for my birthday,’ she said softly.

  ‘I see,’ Archie replied. ‘So you were disappointed? Maybe you felt he didn’t love you?’

  ‘Disappointed? No way,’ Evelyn Tension sneered. ‘I hated ponies. That’s why it was so cool that he bought me a Glock 17 pistol. As soon as I held it in my hands I knew I wanted to shoot people when I grew up.’

  ‘Every little girl has to have a dream,’ Archie mumbled.

  ‘I wanted to be a ballerina,’ Gemma whispered.

  Barney nodded absently.

  Archie’s eyes flicked to a small object less than a metre from his right hand. With a huge effort he walked his fingers a couple of inches towards it, freezing when his captor looked his way.

  ‘I gave up everything for this country,’ Tension shrieked, her normal eye bulging almost as wide as her mechanical eyeball. ‘I lost my friends, my family, my identity, just so I could sneak around the world doing the government’s dirty work. Adam Winchester’s dirty work.’

  ‘You volunteered to be trained as a Scalpel,’ Archie pointed out. ‘And according to your records you didn’t have many friends.’

  Tension stalked towards Archie and towered over him, squeezing her fists tightly. ‘You are an impudent little boy,’ she breathed angrily. ‘I shall take great pleasure in killing you.’

  Archie rolled his eyes to look at his tormentor. ‘You swore to protect our country,’ he said. ‘But you turned out to be just another common criminal.’

  ‘My dear boy,’ Tension giggled and sighed. ‘I can assure you there’s nothing common about me.’

  A laboured groan drew everyone’s attention across the room. To Archie’s utter amazement, Evelyn Tension’s goon was slowly climbing to his feet.

  The man had taken the full force of the swinging steel gangplank right between his eyes but was now fully conscious. It was like seeing someone come back from the dead. As he drew himself to his full height Archie understood how he had survived the immense blow he’d sustained.

  He had a wide gash in his forehead that was trickling blood down his craggy face. The wound gaped open, revealing a wide expanse of his skull, but it was not made of clean white bone – it was made of steel.

  ‘Oh, brother,’ Archie muttered. ‘Now we’ve got two bionic villains to deal with.’

  ‘My darling, you’re awake,’ said Evelyn Tension softly. ‘How’s your poor head?’

  The man’s dark eyebrow lowered and he growled, showing two rows of teeth clad in shining metal. ‘You,’ he barked, pointing at Archie. ‘Look what you did to my head. I’m going to kill you for this.’

  ‘I saw him first, Klaus,’ Tension said. ‘Young Archie here is my handsome prize, and I’m going to savour wringing his perfect little neck. I’m afraid you’ll just have to make do with the other two.’

  ‘We’re not some sort of shoddy consolation prize you know,’ Gemma shouted. Shaking her head at Barney she muttered, ‘The cheek of it.’

  ‘Did you say Klaus?’ Archie enquired. ‘Not Klaus Von Grosskopf – the world-renowned robotics and explosives professor?’

  ‘The one and only,’ the man replied, expanding his muscular chest.

  Archie resisted the urge to frown, maintaining the pretence that he still had no control of his slack features. ‘I thought you assassinated him? There’s a whole MI6 file about Professor Von Grosskopf’s plot to blow up Buckingham Palace by packing a robotic corgi with C-5 explosives.’

  ‘I was sent on a mission to kill him,’ Tension confirmed. ‘As I recall, we had quite a ding-dong, didn’t we, Klausy?’

  ‘We did, Evie,’ Klaus chuckled. ‘You cracked my skull with a monkey wrench, then I scorched your hand with a blowtorch . . .’

  Evelyn Tension sniggered like a love-struck schoolgirl. ‘Do you remember how you broke my jaw with a headbutt just as I was about to slip the cheese wire around your neck?’<
br />
  ‘Sounds romantic,’ Archie mumbled, walking his hand a few centimetres closer to the slender silver object by his side. ‘I suppose you’d call it love at first fight.’

  ‘In the end we both realised we’d met our match,’ Tension announced, sliding two metal fingers into the brute’s monstrous hand. ‘After Klaus had patched us both up with a few additional features here and there – a new arm for me, steel plates over the skull for himself – we decided to think of a way we could make our mark on the world. One night I mentioned something about MI6’s shelved Gemini Project and immediately his piggy little eyes lit up. He was sure he would be able to iron out any problems with its design if I could get him the prototype Face-mapping-quick-drying-liquid-latex-mask-gun.’

  ‘So you stole the gun?’ Gemma said accusingly.

  ‘Oh please, don’t get so high and mighty with me, young lady.’ As Tension turned to address Gemma, Archie slid his hand along the floor another few centimetres. ‘MI6 had finished with the project. They couldn’t get it to work so they gave up on it. It was my Klausy’s genius that brought the idea to life.’

  ‘Is it just me or does anyone else want to puke when she calls him that?’ Gemma muttered.

  ‘So which of you is the real brains behind this scheme?’ Archie asked, stalling for time.

  ‘We’re a team, aren’t we, Klausy?’ Tension answered shrilly. ‘We both contribute equally. It’s fifty-fifty.’

  The professor nodded his shaved head with satisfaction. Unable to contain herself, Tension continued. ‘I mean, I probably had the original idea to kidnap the PM and use the mask-gun to plant an impostor in his place and it was definitely my brainwave to instigate a nuclear war. Come to think of it, stealing this decommissioned submarine from a naval scrapyard was certainly my idea – as was bribing a crew of submariners to desert from the Chinese navy When it came to selecting someone to fill in for the PM, I immediately thought of asking Klaus’s brother, who is exactly the right build, and I trained him to mimic Adam Winchester’s mannerisms exactly Gosh, listen to me! It sounds like I’m saying all this is down to me . . . and I suppose most of it is, but Klaus definitely played his part. A small but very crucial part.’