Struggle to Forever: a friends to lovers duet

by Lilliana Anderson

  “Have you asked her to go back with you?” Agy asks. We’ve moved on to stretching now, so we’re sitting on mats as I help her limber up.

  “No, she’s already said she’s staying here indefinitely. I don’t think there’s anything for her back home.”

  “And is she aware you’re coming back for her?”

  “Ahhh…”

  “Goodness me. No wonder you’re having troubles. You’re a shit communicator.”

  I laugh a little at her jibe. “I’m trying not to scare her off.”

  “And yet she’s drifting, anyway.”

  “What do I do?”

  “Talk to her. Sitting around talking to me isn’t helping. You have a few weeks left with her. Figure out what you want and go for it. Sometimes you have to take a risk for the sake of yourself.”

  “To be honest, I really want her to come back with me, just until I can get a longer visa and we can come back to live here together. I have a feeling she’s viewing this as a short-term thing but I don’t want to let her go for the months it’ll take to reapply. I don’t want to lose her. I want to see her every day. I want her to be my forever.”

  Agy grins. “You’re such a sweet boy, Elliot. Tell her that. You can’t leave things unsaid. Believe me, at my age, I’m an expert on things left unsaid.”

  “Your age? I thought you were only twenty-one,” I say, lightening up the mood.

  Laughing, she taps me on the arm in good humour. “Oh Elliot, what am I going to do when you leave? I’ll have to train with one of the boring ones.”

  I hold out my hand and help her up off the mats. “Good thing I’m coming back then.”

  Paige

  My heart skips a beat when I walk out of work and spot Elliot in his usual waiting place. Even though I’ve been less than forthcoming since Cambridge, he’s always right there, ready to walk me home and hold my hand. I feel both frightened and elated upon seeing him. He’s so beautiful and special that it makes me feel like I'm dreaming him up. But I can touch him, so he has to be real.

  As if I need to prove it to myself, I place my palms on his chest as I lean into him and tilt my head up for a kiss. He smiles down at me and wraps me in his arms before bringing his head towards mine to greet me with his mouth.

  Under normal circumstances, I’m a decent height. But, with Elliot being well over six feet, I feel fairly small around him. I like that.

  “Mmm, I missed you today,” he says, smiling as he takes me by the hand. Then he leads me to the station entry instead of the exit.

  I look up at him, confused. “What’s going on?” I ask, trotting along after him.

  “I’m taking you out. I want you to myself tonight,” he says, his eyes twinkling mischievously.

  “OK… well are you going to tell me what we’re doing?”

  “Something touristy.”

  I lean into him and go with it. We’ve barely had a moment alone together since the motel, and truthfully, I haven’t made much of an effort to be alone with him. I’ve been selfishly brooding, keeping him at bay, while secretly afraid of what he means to me.

  The motel room seems so long ago—nine days to be exact—and the intensity of what I felt while we were there scares me. It’s like my life was dependent upon being with him. I’ve experienced intense attraction, but I've never felt that before. That’s new.

  Sitting together on the train, I rest my head on his shoulder, squeezing my eyes shut as he plants a kiss on the top of my head. It’s such a small and loving gesture, but it feels like everything to me.

  I only have less than five weeks until Elliot goes. I’ve just wasted precious days focusing on my own problems. I’ve been taking his comfort, but I haven’t been giving him anything in return. I’m determined to make this few weeks the best possible. I don’t want to live my life knowing I wasted my time when I could have been with him.

  “Elliot,” I say to get his attention. I hear his voice hum through his chest in response. Lifting my head to meet his face, I take a deep breath. “I’m sorry I’ve been so distant lately.”

  “You’ve had a lot on your mind.”

  I shake my head like I’m trying to rid myself of my worries. “Can we pretend like none of that happened and focus on now? Let all that ‘past’ crap fall away and just be together? We don’t have very much time left, and I want to spend as much of it with you as I can.”

  He presses his lips together in a tender smile and reaches up to caress my face with his thumb. “I think that's a perfect idea,” he says. “I want every day to focus on us from now on.”

  “I’ve been thinking; Shane and Gavin are going next week, and they haven’t found roommates yet. I was thinking that maybe… we, could share a room? We could just change the listing and get another girl to room in with Naomi and another guy can room with Brian.” I sit up and take a breath, suddenly gripped by the fear that he might refuse me. “What do you think?”

  Elliot’s smile takes over his face as he pulls me toward him and kisses me. “I think that’s a wonderful idea,” he whispers. “I would love nothing more than to room with you.” Relief washes over me as we kiss again.

  Elliot

  “All right, it’s time to tell me where we're going,” Paige says, as we exit the train station at St Paul’s and start up the street.

  “I’m taking you on a ghost walk,” I tell her, opening my eyes wide for added emphasis.

  She laughs, clutching tighter onto my arm. “Is this a ploy to get me so scared I can’t sleep alone tonight?”

  “It might be.”

  This ghost walk only runs on Tuesday nights. It might be fun. It might be lame, but a lot of haunted places are actually pubs, so we can always beg off and go to dinner instead if we’ve had enough. At the very least, I figure it might be a good way to learn more about London. Besides the bus tour I did on my first day here, I really haven’t done any sightseeing, and I’m sure Paige hasn’t done any at all.

  There’s maybe a handful of other people waiting for the tour when we arrive. Paige is pretty excited about doing this and has been talking about what we might see while we walk. Neither of us believes in ghosts, but we’re keen to see what passes for haunted and are willing to have an open mind in case we’re wrong.

  Paige grins up at me and clutches my arm as our tour begins. After our chat on the train, she seems much more relaxed around me. I’m so relieved because I was worried that maybe I had messed things up between us somehow after Cambridge. I just didn’t know how to get us back to how things were in that motel room, despite desperately wanting to feel like that with her again.

  The first place we go to is Highgate High Level Station. It doesn’t really look haunted though. The guide, a short, squat man in his late forties, tells us tales of ghost trains and a worker who killed himself here jumping in front of a train. The station has been closed for decades, and the tracks have long since been ripped up, so nature has overgrown. I guess it’s kind of spooky.

  “I suppose it looks kind of spooky,” Paige says, echoing my thoughts while she’s looking around.

  “Let’s capture the moment, maybe we’ll find an orb in the photo or something,” I suggest, readying the camera on my phone. We stand in front of the entrance, and I hold my phone in front of us to take our picture there. We lean our heads together and smile as I tap the screen. The weather is getting warmer than it was when we first came here, but it’s still cool enough to flush our cheeks and turn our noses red. Paige looks radiant in the image.

  “That’s a keeper,” I say to her.

  She smiles at me and tugs my arm so we can catch up to the rest of the group who are moving on to a pub called The Gatehouse. It’s a pretty cool looking place, but they have modernised the interior, so it isn’t very creepy either.

  We take some photos of the outside and happily accept when a German gentleman from our tour group offers to take one of the two of us together. I do the same for him and his wife before we have to move on to our next ‘
spooky’ setting.

  “This is pretty fun,” Paige declares as we walk along with the group.

  “It is?” I ask, feeling sure this was a complete failure.

  “Yes,” she confirms laughing. “We’re being tourists, Elliot! I've never done something like this before. It’s awesome.”

  We’re led to the Highgate Cemetery where we’re handed off to another guide who takes us around. The cemetery is actually very creepy. Not creepy in the paranormal sense; creepy because it’s a graveyard and there are these great headstones looming over you, reminding you that people are buried here.

  “Oh my god,” a woman shrieks, covering her mouth as the guide’s eyes roll back and he collapses on the ground having what looks like an epileptic fit. Whispers go around the group. ‘It’s a ghost!’ ‘Lord, save us.’

  “He’s having a fit,” I yell, rushing to the man’s aid while disbelieving that so many people are just standing by watching him. Paige kneels down beside me as I pull my jacket off and slide it under the man's head.

  “What do you want me to do?” she asks.

  “Just call an ambulance, I’ll make sure he doesn’t hurt himself,” I say, as I watch our guide foam at the mouth, his body shaking and convulsing uncontrollably.

  Paige

  “I can’t believe that just happened,” I say to Elliot as we’re leaving the cemetery. We decide that after the guide collapsed that maybe we should call this tour quits and get some food. We got our fright—it may not have been from the supernatural, but it was scary none the less—so we’re ending the tour and declaring it a success.

  I have to admit I’m pretty turned on by the way Elliot took control of the situation. I had no idea what to do, but he just went right on in there the second the guide dropped and took care of everything. I’m very impressed.

  “Hang on a sec,” I say as we exit the gates to the cemetery. “I’ll find a pub for us to go and get dinner.” I use my phone to Google a nearby pub and get directions to a place called Flask.

  “I think that was supposed to be on the tour,” Elliot points out.

  I shrug and put my phone back in my bag. “Maybe we’ll see a ghost there,” I say.

  “Maybe… All right, one more photo before this un-ghostly tour is officially over,” he says, readying the camera on his phone.

  We lean in together and he turns and kisses my cheek, so I turn my head and kiss him properly on the mouth before the camera app makes its clicking sound to signal the photo is done. He’s laughing as he checks that the photo worked. “That one’s great,” he says, showing it to me.

  “You’ll have to send them all to my phone so I have them too,” I say as we start walking toward the pub.

  He nods, a thoughtful expression on his face, “So you want to remember me then? You aren’t planning on forgetting me when I go?”

  I stop walking and kiss him with as much passion and feeling as I have in me. The world slips away from around us as we stand together, ignoring the traffic and the passers-by as we meld with each other, tasting each other, breathing each other in shamelessly. When we pull away, I can feel us both shaking from the intensity.

  “I will dream about you every night for the rest of my life.”

  He threads his fingers through my hair and kisses me back, slowly and tenderly. I reach my arms up and wrap them around his neck, pulling our bodies tighter together. My body hums with longing for him. I can’t seem to get enough. I don’t want to ever have enough.

  When he pulls away, he looks at me, adoration on his face. “Why couldn’t we have met in Sydney? I feel so rushed, like I’ll have to pack you up with my luggage or I’ll never have my fill.”

  “Because sometimes all you get is a tiny flower in the bull crap that is life,” I say matter-of-factly. He gives me a wry smile before we continue on our way and try to enjoy what’s left of the night, but our imminent separation is a constant in the back of my mind. Now I understand what Coral is always upset about.

  Nineteen

  Elliot

  “How would you all feel about me and Paige sharing a room together after Shane and Gav go back home?” I ask the group of curious faces in front of me. Paige and I have called a house meeting to see if everyone is comfortable living with a couple who get to sleep with each other in the flat.

  “Relieved actually,” Brian states. “I’m always worried I’ll open the bedroom door and find you two going at it.”

  “I’m relieved too.” Naomi laughs. “I thought you were going to tell us you knocked her up or something.”

  “Definitely not.” I laugh shaking my head at her reaction. “We haven’t even been dating long enough to have an announcement like that.”

  “I don’t know exactly when you two started sleeping together. Paige isn’t very forthcoming with the details,” she says, looking pointedly at Paige, who just shrugs at her.

  “Well, obviously we don’t care,” Gavin says looking at Shane, who nods his head in agreement.

  “So it’s fine?” Paige asks.

  “Sure,” they all say at varying times. I also hear a ‘doesn’t bother me’ in there too.

  “Well, that was easier than I thought,” I say looking at Paige.

  “Thanks guys,” she says to the group.

  Once they’ve dispersed, she takes my hand and leads me out onto the balcony which is the only place where you can be alone in this place.

  “Are you happy?” I ask as I wrap my arms around her waist trapping her against the railing.

  “Very,” she states, tucking her head into the crook of my neck as she sighs contentedly. “I’ve missed having you inside me,” she whispers, tilting her head up and nipping at my Adam's apple, causing me to go instantly hard.

  “Oh god, Paige, don’t talk like that. You’re killing me,” I groan, pressing myself against her.

  “Are you sure about this, Elliot?” she asks in a whisper, planting soft kisses on my throat. “It won’t be too hard on you when you go? The closer we get, the more difficult goodbye will be.”

  “Nothing could change my mind,” I say, as I capture her mouth with mine in a kiss that feels like it tugs at my soul, feeding pieces of it to her, as I draw pieces of hers into me.

  Paige

  “How come you don’t talk to me about Elliot?” Naomi asks as I attempt to slip quietly into our room after saying good night to the rest of the guys who are all happily playing cards around the dining room table.

  Sighing, I sit down on my bed. She’s normally asleep when I come in this late, so our before bed chats have been few and far between.

  “Does it upset you that I don’t?”

  “Well, yeah. We’re supposed to be friends, and we’re the only two girls in the house. It’d be nice to have some girl talk, you know?”

  I release a slow breath through my nose. Girl talk is one thing I’ve never really gotten into. The few friends I had were lost when I was kicked out of home, and the friends after that were fleeting or untrustworthy. I learned quickly not to share.

  “What do you want to know?” I ask.

  Slipping her bookmark in place, Naomi places her book on the bedside table and sits up in her bed.

  “I want to know how you feel. I want to know if he’s good to you, how he treats you.”

  “Can’t you see those things just by looking at us?”

  She shrugs. “I guess. But I just want to talk…like we used to.” Her eyes lower as she stares at her hands.

  “I’m so sorry, Naomi,” I tell her honestly. “I do consider you my friend. I’m just… I’m not very good at talking to people, you know? Back in Australia I didn’t have anyone to lean on, so I’m kind of used to dealing with all my shit on my own. But if it makes you feel better, I’ll fill you in on as much as I can?”

  “Yeah,” she says, offering me a small smile. “I’d like that.”

  “I think you already know he’s wonderful. But I can tell you just how wonderful he is. You see, I asked him to come wit
h me to meet a relative of mine for the first time…” I launch into a recount of everything that’s happened since Cambridge. I give her the same story I gave Andrea about meeting a relative. I'm not willing to share the sordid deals of my conception with her, but I do tell her about how patient Elliot has been toward me and that I care for him deeply. “I’m really dreading the day he has to go home. I don’t want our time together to end. But I guess it has to,” I murmur, my voice trailing off as I finish.

  Naomi sighs, a whimsical look in her eyes. “He sounds so amazing, Paige. Why don’t you just go back with him?”

  “Nomes, I can’t do that to him. He can’t pin all of his hopes on me.”

  “Why? What’s so wrong with your relationship that it can’t continue back in Australia?”

  “There’s nothing wrong with our relationship, Naomi, I just can’t keep him—it’s as simple as that,” I tell her firmly. Her mouth opens to say something more, but I’m quick to silence it. “Drop it Naomi, please.”

  Holding her hands up in surrender, she pushes her feet off the floor and slides back into her bed, reaching for her book.

  “I’m glad you two will be sharing a room then,” she says quietly as she reopens the book and settles against her pillows.

  “You are?” Does she want to get me out of her room since I won’t talk more?

  “Yes. It might make you come to your senses. You shouldn’t put a time limit on love.”

  “No one said anything about love, Naomi,” I shoot over my shoulder as I brush out my hair.

  “No one has to,” she says. “I can see it.”

  Elliot

  “I guess this means Paige is well and truly off the market,” Shane says, as he deals the cards out.