One look at her face and he knew she wasn’t going to leave him alone until he explained himself but he couldn’t. He couldn’t tell her the real reason he’d been late. The idea of telling her how he felt had scared the crap out of him before their fight but there was no way in hell he was baring his soul to her now while she was shooting daggers at him with her eyes. She’d throw his love for her back in his face the way she was now.
“You’re not going to let this go and simply trust me are you Natasha?” He asked wearily.
“How can I trust you Eric when you won’t answer my questions? You demanded to know what I was doing and where I was the day I bought that damned vibrator but I’m not allowed to ask the same questions of you? At least I didn’t come home reeking of another man’s aftershave.” She cried.
He walked over to where she was sitting and bent down placing his hands on the arm rests of her chair. “I am not having an affair, I am not fucking any other woman besides you and if you can’t accept that then what the hell are we doing?”
“I can accept you being late because of work, I can accept you almost missing our doctor’s appointment but I can’t accept you smelling of another woman’s perfume Eric. Just how do you explain that one? Obviously a woman has been close enough to you for you to end up smelling of cheap perfume.”
He curled his fingers around the armrests of the chair so he couldn’t do what he wanted to do and wrap them around her neck. “Even if I told you Natasha, would you believe me? It seems to me that you’ve already made up your mind that I’m a cheater and if that’s the case, nothing I say is going to change your mind. Don’t punish me because of your jealous insecurities.”
Still she wouldn’t let it go. “Why won’t you just tell me Eric? Why can’t you explain to me why you smelt of perfume? Is that too much to expect?”
Fuck this, they were just going around in circles. He pushed away from her chair and straightened up running his hands through his hair. His anger evaporated and depression started to envelop him. He began to pace the room all his fears, all his insecurities started to rise in him again and all the hopes he’d had for them, that he’d be able to finally move past all the doubts he had about himself and his ability to be enough for Natasha and their babies started to crumble around him.
Natasha’s presence, everything around him faded until it was just him and his pain, his fear, his old insecurities. He began to pace the room, his mind in turmoil as the words tumbled from his lips. “Dammit, why did I fool myself that things could be different?”
“What did you think would be different?” She asked as her eyes followed his restless pacing.
“You want to know why I smelt of perfume? I’ll tell you, but if you can’t damned well believe me Natasha, then I have to wonder what the hell we’re doing. I can’t be in a relationship where you’re going to question every move I make, every time I’m late home because you know the nature of my work, I often finish late. You’ve been there, you can’t have forgotten already.” He continued pacing up and down the room, his heart thumping heavily in his chest as fear at revealing himself to her settled like a hard ball in his stomach. “I needed help with something out of the office. I got Samantha from Accounting to come with me. You remember her. She’s young and she’s married so I thought she could help me, give her honest opinion on something. When she helped me, we hugged. She was happy and I was fucking happy ok? I’m not having an affair with her. She’s a pleasant enough woman but I’m not even remotely attracted to her. Fuck, I thought by choosing a male PA to replace you that I wouldn’t have to deal with any of this kind of shit.” He raked his fingers through his hair as his tension mounted.
“What did you need Samantha to help you with Eric?” Her voice was soft as she watched him.
He closed his eyes the pain that was tearing him apart showing briefly on his face before he dropped his mask firmly back in place. “Now that’s the problem. Everything has gone to shit. I had so many ideas on the way home before I walked inside and you started tearing into me. Funny thing is, I let myself believe just for a moment that maybe life could be different.” He laughed but there was no humour in it. “Well more fool me then.” He turned from her again and started pacing restlessly, his movements like that of a caged animal. Fuck he was going to explode soon. He was wound up tighter than a spring and he didn’t know what to do next. The familiar fear was tearing at him again.
“All my life it’s been the same. Don’t get involved because it always ends badly. It’s me, it’s got to be me, something about me just makes it all go wrong. I should have known, I should have fucking well known but no, what do I do? Stupidly think this time will be different. This will be good, this will work out and now look at it? Shot to hell like it always is. What the fuck is wrong with me?” He shouted at her, his voice breaking.
Natasha stared at him with a look in her eyes he couldn’t read. Please don’t let it be pity. Please don’t let her figure out what was wrong, how he felt. He’d been prepared to reveal his feelings to her but that was before everything had gone to shit. He couldn’t do it now.
“I don’t understand Eric. What are you saying? What did you think might be different?”
He shook his head and the mask slipped a pained look on his face again. “What am I saying? Fuck, I don’t know what I’m saying Natasha. I don’t see the point, what the fuck is the point? You don’t trust me, that’s obvious. I’m fucking cursed, I tried to tell you that, but would you listen? No and look where it’s got us? I tried to warn you, I told you I was bad news. You should have fucking well listened.” He shouted at her.
He needed to get out of here. Fuck he needed out of here now. “Dammit to hell, I need to get out of here. I can’t look at you I can’t deal with this shit right now.” With one final look at her face, he rushed to the door, opened it and ran down the stairs, snagging the keys for the Porsche off the key hooks by the door and ripped the front door open, slamming it on his way out.
CHAPTER 20
Eric’s long stride had him at his car in just a few steps and he was just about to unlock the car when common sense prevailed. What the hell was he doing? He couldn’t drive off and not face his problems again. He’d done that in Tasmania and almost lost Natasha for good. He had to go back inside, try and reason with her, dammit he had to fucking fight for her. He had to man up and tell her how he felt about her. The thought made his heart race and he started to sweat but he couldn’t keep running from his fears and insecurities forever.
He turned away from the Porsche and headed back to the front door. He was just a few steps away from it when he heard a high pitched scream come from inside and his heart hit his stomach when he realised it was Natasha. He broke into a run for the last few steps to the door, his heart already pounding hard in his chest. Everything felt like it was in slow motion though and he couldn’t seem to move fast enough no matter how hard he tried.
He’d just reached out to shove the door open when he heard Alice call out and his blood ran cold at the panic in her voice. “God no, please don’t let anything happen to her. I love her. I should have fucking told her that.” The words raced through his head as he opened the door and rushed inside.
Alice was at the bottom of the stairs facing up them, her expression filled with horror and when he followed her gaze and looked up he saw Natasha part way down them, terror on her face as she clutched at the air, trying to grab a hold of the hand rail to stop her falling but she missed and he watched the terror on her face, an image that was going to be burned into his brain as she lost her balance. He lunged forward but it was like someone was holding him back and he couldn’t get to her fast enough. Fuck it NO! He reached for her but dammit it was too late. As he bounded up the stairs, desperately trying to reach her, he watched her body tumble down the next few steps but it was the sound of her head hitting the bannister that sent a flash of blinding fear through him.
He got to her just as she looked up at him through eyes that were vague and confused before they closed and as he pulled her into his arms, her body went limp, her head rolling back. “NO FUCK NO!” He screamed terrified that he’d lost her.
Eric hurried down the stairs and through to the living room, carefully placing her down on the lounge. He checked her pulse and when he felt it still beating steadily, tears of relief filled his eyes. “Alice, call triple 0 for me please and tell them what’s happened and oh fuck, her Mother, Kathryn needs to know.” His voice cracked as the first tears rolled down his cheeks.
“Baby please, Natasha baby please wake up.” He cupped her cheek, caressing her soft skin, his eyes desperate for any tiny sign that she was coming around but there was nothing. Why did she have to take the damned stairs? He’d told her not to use them and this was why. He could lose her and fuck, they could lose their babies too. Although she hadn’t fallen far before he’d got to her, she’d hit her head hard and he didn’t know how easy it was to cause a woman to miscarry. He just hoped to hell both Natasha and the babies were ok.
Alice appeared at his side. “The ambulance is on its way and Kathryn should be here soon. She’s not that far away as luck would have it. She’s in the city with her craft group. How is she Eric?”
“I don’t know Alice. I don’t fucking know. How long before the ambulance gets here? She hit her head hard and the babies, fuck the babies Alice. What if she loses them? What if I lose her? I can’t lose her, I can’t.” He cried as more tears filled his eyes and began to fall unchecked. He couldn’t stop them and he was too terrified for Natasha and the babies to be embarrassed about Alice seeing him like that.
He felt her arm come around his shoulders. “I know my boy but don’t think the worst. The ambulance is on its way and she’s strong. She’s already been through a lot and she came through that alright, be positive Eric, please.”
His head came up when he heard the sound of an approaching siren. Fuck but he was beginning to hate the sound of those sirens. This was the second time he’d gone through this with Natasha and if she came through this ok and the babies were ok, he hoped like hell that he’d never be in this position again.
Alice rushed to open the door and it became a flurry of activity as they checked Natasha over. They wanted to know what had happened, they looked through her hair until they found where a lump was forming from when she’d hit the bannister rails and listened to her heart beat and after a stomach churning time for Eric, they found the heart beats of the twins.
After a very anxious time the news almost made him sag with relief, she was ok. She was still unconscious but that was due to mild concussion and the fact she’d hit her head quite hard but their babies were fine. The paramedics explained that nature was very good at protecting the unborn children in most cases and the fact that he’d grabbed her before she made it all the way down the stairs and that she had already been halfway down when she fell were all factors that had worked in her favour. For Eric looking down at her lying so still, he was having trouble finding anything that was positive about the situation. He knew the paramedics were trying to reassure him that she was ok, that their babies were ok but he just wanted to see her open her eyes, to see those stunning eyes of hers looking back at him.
Eric didn’t want her going to hospital if it wasn’t necessary and when the paramedics explained that bed rest and for him to keep an eye on her were all that could be done, they helped him carry her upstairs. He pulled back the bedding where she was lowered carefully onto the mattress.
Once the ambulance and paramedics left with a list of things for him to watch out for with Natasha like spotting, dizziness and vomiting, he went back upstairs, pulling a chair over by the bed and took her hand in his to sit and wait for her to come around.
“Can I get you something Eric.” Alice asked making him jump as he hadn’t heard her approach.
“No thanks Alice.” He gave her a weak smile.
Kathryn came bursting into the room and rushed to her daughter’s side. “What the hell happened Eric?” She turned on him.
He got up pulling her over to one side of the room so they wouldn’t disturb Natasha although she was unconscious so she probably wouldn’t hear them anyway. As quickly as he could he explained to her what had happened omitting the part about their fight and how he’d been about to take off in his car when he’d chosen to go back inside and face Natasha. He was so relieved that he had gone back inside or her accident could have been so much worse. Once he’d explained what happened, what the paramedics had said and assured her that her daughter and grand babies were ok, Kathryn went back to kiss Natasha and took her hand in hers.
Eric watched her feeling a stab of jealousy which he knew was crazy. He didn’t want anyone touching his girl. She was his but he knew it was irrational to not want her own mother near the woman he loved. He wanted to get back to her, he needed to be by her side when she woke up.
“Kathryn, please can I have some time alone with her? Why don’t you go down and make yourself comfortable, I’ll let you know if she wakes up.” He asked. He was so strung out waiting for Natasha to wake and fighting tears, he couldn’t let her see him like that.
“I’ve only just got here Eric.” She started to argue but when she met his eyes, she must have seen something in his expression because she sighed. “Fine, but you be sure to call me back up here the minute she’s awake.” She warned him.
She left the room and Alice came over and patted him on the arm. The look she gave him made him realise she knew exactly what was going through his head but since she’d known him a long time and knew about his past, that was no surprise to him.
It was a soft groan that drew both of their eyes to Natasha’s face. She groaned again and her eyelids fluttered. “Natasha baby.” He called her name softly. “Baby can you hear me, open your eyes, god baby, please, open your eyes.” He begged her.
Her head turned towards the sound of his voice and slowly she started opening her eyes, flinching before shutting them again with another groan. She opened them again until they were just narrow slits, a deep frown marring her forehead.
“Baby stay with me, open your eyes.” He said softly.
She shook her head, groaning. “Light… too bright.” Her voice croaked at him.
Eric turned to Alice. “Alice shut the blinds and curtains now, then can you leave us alone please.”
“Hospital.” She croaked again and he took her hand, lowering his voice to little more than a whisper since it was obvious she was in pain.
“No baby, you’re home.”
“My babies, are my babies alright?” His heart clenched in his chest when her voice broke and tears began to trickle from the corners of her eyes.
Fuck she thought she might have lost them. He groaned. “Baby, don’t get yourself upset, they’re fine. Tough like their Mother. The doctor’s been here, he’s already checked and he decided that you would be better off being taken care of at home.” He assured her, choosing to make it seem less severe than it had been by not mentioning the ambulance and paramedics for now. If she thought it was just a house call from the doctor she might not get as alarmed and possibly worry herself too much. She needed to keep calm for the sake of their babies and her own health.
“Huh?” She sounded confused before she opened her eyes again and looked around the room.
“The doctor said you were lucky baby. If you had fallen down the whole flight of stairs it might have been different, but you didn’t and I got you before you went right to the bottom. Our babies are fine, but you suffered some bumps and bruises plus mild concussion. God Natasha, what were you thinking? I told you to always take the lift. I told you that for your own good, to avoid something like this. What possessed you to run down those bloody stairs? I thought… god, I thought…” His voice broke as his mind replayed the terrifying sight of watching her tum
ble down those fucking stairs like a rag doll. As he relived the fear he’d felt and the sense of hopelessness of not being able to get to her in time, tears began to roll down his cheeks unchecked. He lowered his head as his tears dripped onto the bed and Natasha said nothing, just watched him for a moment before her hand came out and touched his face, her thumb sweeping across his cheek to wipe away his tears and he lifted his hand to hers, pressing her palm against his cheek. God it was such a relief to know she was going to be ok but he wondered how long it would take before she remembered their fight and she would be back to being pissed off at him again.
He closed his eyes just savouring the feel of her hand against his cheek but when she suddenly started speaking, he opened them again to focus on her.
“I’m so sorry Eric. I’m sorry for not listening to you about the stairs. I resented you for insisting I use the lift. I just thought you were being overbearing and bossy about it when I should have realised you were saying to use it to avoid this situation I’ve managed to get myself into now. I’m sorry for putting our babies at risk. I’m sorry for starting this whole thing. You were right, I let my insecurities take over and I convinced myself that you were seeing another woman. I’m sorry that I didn’t trust you enough to know that you wouldn’t be doing that to me. You’ve given me so many reasons to feel secure. You took me to Tasmania despite telling me that no woman had been there before. You took me into your home here and you’ve taken care of me. Even when you wouldn’t make love to me, I thought it was because you didn’t want me but I was the one who told you there would be no more sex. Then when I wanted sex, I convinced myself again that you wouldn’t touch me because you didn’t want me. I should have known you were just concerned about possibly hurting our babies and myself even though it meant putting your own needs aside.” She looked up into his eyes while she paused as if looking for the right words to continue.
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