I Wanna Be Bad For You

by N. Carmouche

  Yea, I worked, went to school, and finally had my own place at twenty years old, but I kept finding myself in that position of feeling lonely, all because of the men I chose. That old saying of “you are the company you keep” was making me feel like I wasn’t accomplishing anything. Maybe, my mother was right all those times she’d told me that I wouldn’t be shit, because there I was, feeling lower than low, all because I got involved with a man that wasn’t in my plans.

  I climbed out of bed, feeling like I had been run over by a herd of elephants. If it wasn't for the fact that I had to relieve my bladder and occasional vomiting, I probably would have stayed my ass right in the bed. I took a glance at my reflection in the bathroom mirror only to shrug at the fact that I looked as bad as I felt. My eyes were puffy and dark circles had started to form from all the crying I had done. My emotions were flipping through all the stages of being bi-polar, as I switched from crying to being mad at the world. I didn’t know exactly how far along I was, but I was, silently, praying that I didn’t stay that emotional throughout that pregnancy.

  I plopped down on the couch after taking care of my hygiene and powered on the new phone I'd purchased to call Rina. I hadn’t cancelled my old phone, yet, but I’d left it off, because I knew that Rashaad was probably blowing my line up.

  “Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you.” Rina sang, as soon as she answered. I sat there, confused. I couldn’t believe that I had been so caught up in my feelings that I’d completely forgotten my own birthday.

  “Are you serious, right now?” I asked myself, out loud, running my fingers through my untamed nest of hair. “I swear, I just want to cry, but I think I’m out of tears.” I whimpered.

  “Baby!” Rina hollered in my ear. “Please, don’t tell me you still over there in your feelings. Not today, Satan! You not gonna do it, not even for the vine! I was letting you chill, because I know you were feeling some type of way, and we all know that I don’t do the emotional thing very well, but girl it’s been two damn days, already! You better shake that shit off! It’s your birthday. Whatever it is you worried about, you gotta shake it off. If I don’t know anything else, I know you way stronger than you give yourself credit for.”

  She didn’t know how bad I wanted to take her advice, but the shit was just way easier said than done. I had no clue where to even start to move on, and it was driving me crazy.

  “I’m on my way over there! I can’t just let you sit over there all fucked up like this. Do me a favor and get yourself together, ‘cause you probably over there looking like who did it and what for. I’m taking you out to breakfast.” Rina stated, before hanging up. She hadn’t even given me a chance to protest, but I doubted that it would have done me any good, so I pulled myself together and headed to my room to get dressed, because if she showed up, and I wasn’t ready, I would never hear the end of it.

  ~~~

  “So, how does it feel to finally be twenty-one?” Rina asked, as we sat in a booth at Batter and Berries.

  I rolled my eyes in response. For the pass twenty minutes, my cousin was trying everything in her power to pull me out of the funk that I was in, but it just wasn’t working.

  “Okay, looka here.” She said, slamming her hand down on the table. “I’ve been trying not to go in on your ass since it’s your birthday, but you over here acting like they done canceled Empire, or some shit.”

  “I’m sorry, cousin. I just feel like everything went from sugar to shit in the blink of an eye.” I sighed.

  “Come on, now, Baby! Don’t act like you don’t know how thirsty these bitches can be these days. And, that girl, Mesha is about as dehydrated as they come. You didn’t even give Rashaad a chance to explain himself. Now, I’m not saying he was all the way right in the situation, because you should be enough to any man you end up with, but I have a feeling that he is nothing like that loser, Ant, and that’s probably the reason why you sitting here looking all crazy. Stevie Wonder could see that your ass was in love with that man. Hell, he looking just as crazy you do right now.”

  I looked up from the glass of orange juice that I had been swirling with my straw giving Rina the “really” face at her last statement.

  “Aren’t you supposed to be on my side, Ri? He didn’t look too concerned when Mesha had her mouth stuffed with his dick, now did he? So, how you know what Rashaad is looking like right now?” I questioned.

  “’Cause, I’m right here.” A voice said from behind me, but I refused to turn around. My eyes, instantly, misted up just by the sound of his voice.

  “Gottem!” Rina exclaimed, with a smirk. “Gone get your Keith Sweat on negro. I’m going to the bathroom, so y’all can talk, and Baby, just hear him out. If he still on dummy, then I’ll help you jump him. No problem.” Rina said, as she stood up from her seat and walked off. Rashaad took her place across from me in the booth and stared at me, intently, not saying a word. I wanted to be angry but the look that he was giving me had me feeling like I didn’t know where to put my face. I could feel beads of sweat forming in the palms of my hands. I could see the look of sadness and disappointment in his eyes, and all I could do was look away.

  Our awkward interaction was interrupted when the waitress came to the table with Rina and I’s order. I was thankful for the intrusion, because I was beginning to feel uncomfortable and ready to bolt at any minute. I saw the waitress lick her lips, and hit Shaad with the “fuck me” look, before walking away from the table. All I could do was shake my head at how bold chicks had become when it came to a man.

  “I think you just found a new co-star for your next lil’ video with that one.” I said, breaking up the silence that surrounded us, before digging into my Banana’s Foster’s French toast.

  “I’m not on that with you, Baby.” He said, as he continued to stare at me.

  “Then, what exactly are you on, Rashaad? It’s obvious that you showed up here because you have something to say to me, so go ahead and let it out, so we can be done, because I don’t have time for this today.” I said, still refusing to look at him.

  “Is that what you want?” He asked. I could hear the hurt in his voice behind what I’d just said to him, but before I could answer, he pulled my plate away from me and snatched the fork from my grasp. “You want to be done with me, Devyn? Just like that?”

  “What I want, is to not be bothered with somebody who can’t keep his dick out the next bitch’s mouth. If you were going to do all that, why did you even bother me in the first place? You could have just left me right where the fuck I was if you wanted to do the same shit Anthony did. I would have been just fine, believe me.” I stated. Finally looking at him with a mixture of anger and love, I wanted to slap fire from him and kiss him all at the same time. I could feel the warm tears rolling down my cheek.

  “I ain’t got no choice but to take that. I know I fucked up, and it ain’t no excusing that, but you’re wrong. I couldn’t just leave you where you were, because I wanted you, and I still want you. Look, I ain’t going to sit here and tell you that I’m going to wave a white flag and let you just leave me, either. I want you to be mad at me, because you have every right to be. I wouldn’t respect it if you wasn’t. You my good girl, Devyn, and I’m not trying to bring the bad out of you; not like this, anyway, but I’m not going to back down, because I know who I want, and that’s you.” He said, as he reached across the table and wiped a tear from cheek.

  “I can be a man about mine and let you know that it was never my intent to hurt you. That’s the last thing I would ever want to do. I know it’s unfair for me to sit here and ask you for a second chance, but I’m a real nigga, so I’m going to ask for one, anyway, because I love the hell out of you. You carrying my seed, and sooner or later, you’re going to carry my last name, so I ain’t backing down from this right here without a fight.”

  I could feel how serious he was with every word that he spoke, but because of my history, I felt like I should get up and run. My heart was already opening bac
k up to him, despite my thoughts, though. That man did something to me that I’d never experienced before. All I could do was bury my face in my hands and cry, because I felt so torn. If I gave him a pass on that, would it continue? Or, do I trust that that was an isolated fuck-up and stick with him?

  I felt Rashaad slide into the booth next to me and wrap me in his arms. Although I wanted to resist his touch, I laid my head onto his chest and continued to cry like a baby, as the sound of his heart beat soothed me.

  “There ain’t too many things in this life that come with guarantees, Ma, but I can promise you that ain’t nothing like this going to happen again, ‘cause ain’t nothing worth me losing you.” Rashaad said, before gently lifting my chin and placing kisses on my, now, swollen eye lids. “You gonna give me that shot, Ma?” He asked. I nodded my head in response before allowing his soft lips to cover mines. I knew that it might have been a mistake, but I could not deny the chemistry that we had with one another.

  “I hope you know that baby is a girl, cause all this bitch do is cry. Damn.” Rina interrupted, causing us both to laugh. “Y’all good, now?” She asked.

  “Yea, we good.” I said, looking from Rashaad to Rina, as I wiped my eyes.

  “Well, you gonna be real good when you see what I got you for your birthday.” Rashaad said, as he took me by the hand and led me out the front door of the restaurant. A brand new, white Audi Q7 sat parked across the street with a bright red bow attached to the hood. I jumped up and down with excitement, before reaching up and wrapping my arms and legs around Rashaad, allowing him to carry me across the busy street.

  “You happy, Ma?” He asked, as I planted kisses all over his face. I leaned my head back so that I could look into his eye.

  “I would have been happy with you even without the car.” I told him.

  “Oh, for real? I could have Meek take it back then!” He laughed, while dangling the keys from his finger. I quickly snatched it from his grasp, unlocking the door and climbing in. I sank into the peanut butter leather and inhaled the new car smell. He even had a build a bear teddy bear wearing a hoodie with a heart embedded on it sitting in the passenger seat. I picked it up, snuggling it against my face, before I pressed its paw and began crying again

  September 27th, Happy Birthday, Baby. I want to ask you if you would marry me. Look in the bear’s pocket.

  I held my breath, and I was stunned, as I listened to Rashaad’s recorded voice say those words. I looked up at Rashaad in shock, as he stood in the car doorway, with tears in my eyes.

  “Are you serious?” I asked.

  “You gotta look in his pocket, Ma.” He said, flashing me that million dollar smile. I reached into the bear’s pocket and pulled out the black velvet box. With trembling hands, I opened the box, revealing the most beautiful two-carat, champagne-colored, pear-shaped diamond ring that I’d ever seen. Rashaad took the box from my hand and placed the perfectly sized ring on my finger.

  “You don’t think it’s a little too fast for all of this?” I hesitated.

  “Baby, understand that I’m a real nigga, and I told you, from the start, that you was gonna be mines. I probably sound soft, as shit, right now, but fuck it. You make me happy; you feel like home to me. I know what I want, and what I want is you.” He stared at me, intently. “So, can I get an answer now?” He asked, as he flashed me the gorgeous smile.

  Before I could open my mouth, five shots rang out, causing me to scream as Rashaad pushed his body into the car to shield me. The gun fired ended as quickly as they started, but I could still hear people screaming from the street.

  “Oh, my god, Babe! What the hell was that?!” I exclaimed, as I, gently, nudged him, letting him know that he could move since the shooting had ended, but he didn’t budge. I could feel warm liquid sliding down my face where his chest was now pressed against me.

  “Rashaad?” I said, becoming frantic, as I felt his weight became heavier against my body. “Baby, get up! Rashaad!! No, no, please! Baby, no, don’t do this. Rashaad!” I cried out at the top of my lungs, as I held on to him rocking back and forth. His breathing was hollow and those beautiful green eyes were mere slits in his face, as I held him, screaming for help.

  D

  I knew that something wasn’t right the moment I’d walked into my mother’s apartment and found it empty. Everything was gone; even the pictures from the walls had been removed. I had been calling her for two days, but something told me to just get up and go see what was up. It wasn’t like my mother to not communicate with me, at least, twice a day, and she would never just up and disappear without, at least, giving me a heads up. Especially, because of the situation that we had going on. We were in the middle of our biggest come up, yet.

  I walked into my old bedroom, which was now empty, as well, fighting back tears, as I began to think the worst. I pulled the closet door open and pulled back the carpet that covered the floor inside revealing the safe that my mother had installed when we’d first moved in. I used my birth date as the combination to unlock it and began removing its contents.

  I couldn’t stop the tears that welled up in my eyes, as I removed the envelope that contained my birth certificate as well as the hospital photo that had been taken of me and my mom, and I ran my fingers over the image of my mother’s beautiful face.

  Diamond Danielle Castellanos

  Born on this day

  December 11, 1993

  to

  Marco Castellanos age 21

  And

  Danielle Lagarita age 18

  I didn’t remember even meeting my father, but I’d hated him for most of my life. He’d been missing from my life from the day that I was born, which is why his signature was missing on my birth certificate, and based off the stories my mother had told me, I hated my brothers, Rameek and Rashaad, even more, because they were able to live the life I never even got the chance to have, so I didn’t feel guilty in the least bit for the shit my mother and I had been doing to them since they stepped foot in Chicago.

  My mother and I had moved here when I was young, because she said that my father had denied us due to the fact that he already had a family. Growing up, it’d hurt me to think that I wasn’t good enough to have my father’s love. It was hard to wrap my young mind around the fact that a man could deny his only daughter. I should have been his princess like the girls I’d watched growing up were to their fathers.

  In a way, my mother had helped plant that seed in me, so I knew, in my heart, that my mother was probably dead. But, I had no intention of letting up on what we’d set out to do.

  “Your father favored those little bastards over you, my precious Diamond. But, we will make them pay for it, even if it’s the last thing we do.” I replayed my mother’s voice over in my head. The day we’d hatched our plan was my twenty-first birthday. We’d gotten matching lip print tattoos, with hers on her hip, and mines on the back of my hand. There was no doubt that that was a dangerous game that we’d put in motion from the first time we’d bought out Rashaad’s stash with counterfeit money. My Uncle Vic made sure that we knew that they were associated with the cartel, as he fed us info every step of the way.

  I’d watched closely to how Rashaad and Rameek moved without them so much as even noticing me. The night we’d crossed paths at Mesha’s place, I wanted to murk Shaad, as I watched him sitting in the car. I’d heard it in his voice how angry and possessive he was when he’d hemmed Mesha up over Devyn, and it pissed me off. I couldn’t deny that I had become infatuated with Devyn, as well. Hell it was becoming border line obsession seeing as though she was always on my mind. The more that we spent time together, the more I was determined to make her mine. I guess I was out for more than just my brother’s empire, so to speak. Even if it wasn’t in my original plans, anyone who stood in my way had to go.

  I, quickly, wiped away the tears that had escaped my eyes and continued to load the cash, tape recordings, and other documents from the safe into my MCM backpack. Right now, that was the o
nly insurance I had in this world, and come hell or high water, I was going to see that thing, through. It was what my mother would have wanted.

  I hopped in my Lexus and screamed at the top of my lungs, while punching the steering wheel, releasing all the rage I had in me. My blood was boiling. I drove around the city, in a daze, contemplating my next move. I doubt that Rashaad, Rameek, or even, Devyn, for that matter, knew who I really was, so I still had somewhat of an advantage, but I was ready for them to feel the pain that I’d felt my entire life.

  I stopped at a red light on Lincoln Ave and watched a couple as they embraced next to a gift wrapped car parked off the side. I found myself daydreaming that one day that could be me once I got to the top. I couldn’t help the smile that crept across my face, as I caught a glimpse of the very green eyes I wanted to rip out, as he kissed Devyn.

  He’s had a life I should have had. He’s got the girl I should have. And, I know he’s taken the only somebody I’ve ever had. I thought to myself, as I scanned the street for parking, as the light turned green. I swooped into the parking lot of the crowded breakfast restaurant and began walking in the direction where I’d spotted Rashaad not even a minute ago. I pulled my BAPE hoodie up over my head and removed the safety from my glock. I could care less if it was broad daylight. I was done playing the back while my beloved brothers lived like kings. I raised my gun and aimed it at Rashaad, just as I was steps away from him and squeezed the trigger.