Altered

by Kimberly Montague

I would have thought he was questioning my sanity, but when he glanced around me into the mirror, I could see the way the corners of his mouth turned up in that sexy grin of his. Without making eye contact in the mirror, I looked back down at the sink, and he returned to bandaging me up. Tense silence stretched on until my wound was covered. I turned around again, fidgeting with my hair. When he put the bandages back in the cabinet, I thought he would continue on out the door, but he turned back toward me.

  "Thanks," I managed to tell the floor as he moved closer and closer. It felt like slow motion as I watched his feet come to stand on the soft beige rug in front of me. Even his feet were huge. He made my size nines look like kids' feet.

  "Evie?" His voice was so soft that I closed my eyes momentarily to feel it slide across my skin.

  As I opened my eyes though, the nervousness flooded me. I tried not to look up at him, knowing this crackling tension I was feeling was pure attraction that I had to avoid. Looking at him would only make this worse, not better. Clearly, this wasn’t good enough for him as he put one hand on my upper arm, making my breath catch, and the other went to tilt my chin upward.

  The second my eyes locked with his, a lightning shot through every vein in my body calling attention to the inescapable attraction I felt toward him. How on earth was I supposed to deny this? How was I supposed to fight it? But I did, or I should say I had been successfully winning the raging battle between chemistry and reality.

  I should have run. I should have pushed him away. I was with Jay, but here I was unable to break contact with another guy. His hand shifted from my upper arm to my uninjured upper back, pulling my body into his. The closer he pulled me, the more intense the unearthly spark between us became until his face was just an inch from mine. I could feel his warm breath on me, feel myself caught in the pull of this current to where I would meet my inevitable undoing the moment my lips touched his. I tried to make myself want to pull away, tried to force myself to have some sense of self-preservation, but it was useless. I was trapped by this unnatural connection I felt to him.

  Just as his lips were about to touch mine, I thought I would pass out from my overwhelmed senses. My body was seriously inadequate to be the lightning rod in this experiment. I tried to use my hands to brace myself for my reaction, but the second his lips touched mine, I felt my body pulse, sending a current of its own running through me and into every pore that was in contact with him.

  His lips were so soft and gentle, but he pushed his body so close to mine that the firm wall of warmth glued to me frightened me. I gained some sort of control over my limbs, but while my brain tried to pull my arms away from his body, every cell in my body overthrew reason and made me wrap my arms around his chest.

  His hands moved. One now encircled my waist while the other lit a path down the side of my back, pulling me further into the kiss that now blazed like a freaking comet. Breathing seemed unnecessary, everything felt unreal compared to this moment between us, and I fought to hang on while fighting to make myself let go.

  I couldn’t deny having been attracted to him, but I was completely unprepared for the fire behind this kiss. It was so right and so awfully wrong all at the same time that the millisecond that I felt him drop his arms, my brain shut down, allowing pure instinct to kick in. I trapped his handsome face between my hands and pulled his lips back to mine.

  "Damn, Evie," he whispered against my lips.

  Had I caught my breath by then, I might have let a few curse words fly myself. His expert lips slanted over mine again and again until my brain finally caught up to my body, and I freaked. I shoved myself away from him, and avoiding eye contact, I did the only thing I could bring myself to do… I turned and ran.

  Admissions

  Fumbling with the doorknob that I suddenly forgot how to work, I finally managed to throw the door open and rush out of the bathroom, down the hallway, and out the back door. Thankfully, the further I got, the easier it seemed to be because those first steps felt like walking into a 100 mph wind. What on earth was I doing? Was I a total idiot? I had fought this for so long, and now here I was just giving in. All that painstaking effort to deny what was there, gone, down the tubes. I kissed him, and he kissed me back, and now everything I had with Devlin was going to be ruined, and everything I had with Jay and his family was going to be ruined. I’d screwed this all up and had no one to blame but myself.

  Frustrated beyond belief, I stomped out to the pool where everyone was partying. I wanted to leave, to run and hide from this all. What a mess I had made of the situation. I had done such a good job of convincing myself that I could handle this—that I could deny what I felt. It was such a good plan, but the futility of it had escaped me. I had no idea that current pulling me to him would only grow more powerful. I had no idea it would increase its hold on me. Now, I would have to suffer the consequences. At least I had gotten an amazing kiss out of the deal. NO! I couldn’t think like that. I couldn’t think about that kiss again or it would tempt me to… NO! Just no.

  Sitting on a lounge chair, I faced away from the door, hoping to avoid meeting his eyes again. After a few minutes, I was convinced he had turned and run away while he still had the chance. Letting out an angst-filled sigh, I let my head fall back against the lounge chair and closed my eyes, trying to shut out the world.

  It wasn’t until I felt his body hit the end of the lounge chair I was curled up in that I realized I wouldn’t get to hide from this. I dragged my body away from him, trying to put even just a few inches in between us. I could feel him watching me. I opened my eyes, but focused on my hands. Listen to the music, just listen to the music, I told myself. Concentrate on the sounds around me instead of my heartbeat thundering in my ears—that’s what I tried to do.

  "So… how long has that been going on for you?"

  Oh God, he did not just ask me that, did he? How could he ask me that here, with people all around us? I turned away from him to look at Stacy and Josh who were laughing and playing a card game of some sort. Those two had been flirting with each other for months, but something seemed to prevent them from really acting on any of it—lucky kids.

  He nudged my leg, sending another jolt through me, but this one was full of dread. He was going to make me answer. Didn’t he understand what he was asking me to give up now by answering that question? The only response I could handle was to shake my head at him and resume my vacant stare.

  Sarah and several of my classmates were splashing each other in the pool. I envied them their carefree attitude. This should have been a fun day, an enjoyable outing with my friends, but, instead, it had turned into my worst nightmare—well except for the kiss which was… NO! I could not think about that.

  He wasn’t going to let this go. I knew him well enough to know that. Intelligent, witty, and caring, all of these could be said about him, but buried beneath the nice guy exterior was stubbornness about his constant ability to be right. And I’ll be damned if he didn’t know that he was dead on with this one. I think the word "screwed" precisely covered my current situation.

  "Come on," he pushed.

  I would have thought he would be insulted or angry to find out how I felt. I mean I had a boyfriend for crying out loud. But his voice didn’t sound very upset, in fact, it sounded a little too nonchalant and matter-of-fact. He did kiss me back, I reasoned, I didn’t just jump on him. So why wasn’t he concerned about all of this? Didn’t this change anything for him?

  He put his hand on my calf. "That didn’t just happen for either of us, so be honest, how long?"

  Avoid, avoid, I told myself as I decided to turn it around on him. "When do you think it started?"

  His voice lowered and became silky smooth. "I asked you first."

  Very mature. I reverted back to my original response: shake head, vacant stare.

  "How about I name possibilities?" he suggested as if he were about to list possible dinner choices. "All you have to do is nod."

  Again, I shook my head, knowing
for a fact this was a bad idea.

  "Good!" he exclaimed, and he chuckled again at my eye-roll. "Let’s see." There was definite humor in his voice. "Last week at the track meet?"

  I told myself to keep up my vacant stare and show absolutely no response.

  "Okay, a few weeks ago when you were helping me with my essay?"

  My hand flew up to straighten the tangles from my hair even though I had specifically told my body not to react.

  "Okay, a month ago during the Homecoming meeting?"

  My leg started bouncing, the traitorous limb.

  "Okay, in PE when I carried you to the nurse?"

  The closer he got to the truth, the sweatier my palms got. I kept fidgeting with my hair, and I got really restless, but I managed to keep my facial expression neutral. His voice lost all lightness and humor as he placed an arm on each side of me and leaned his upper body close to mine. I couldn’t help but stare into his incredibly clear blue eyes and melt uncontrollably.

  Softly and huskily, he whispered, "When you walked into Leadership and bumped into me. I had to put my arms around you so you wouldn’t fall. You were wearing that soft pink dress, and your hair fell down, brushing against my arm."

  My eyes hurt they were spread so wide in surprise and fear. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, couldn’t process the details he had remembered so clearly. Why had he remembered them, but all I could think about was that I had been caught. Unable to stay put any longer, I shoved myself up and turned to walk away. It was fight or flight for me, and I chose flight.

  Two steps into my flight plan, I heard him call out, "That would have been my answer too."

  I stopped, dead cold, my hands flew to cover my face. Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God. He had been attracted to me since the first moment we met? I—I—I couldn’t even wrap my dilapidated mind around it.

  Sonya looped her arm in mine. "Evie, come help me with Gary’s birthday cake." She carried me off to the kitchen, thereby saving me. In the kitchen, she tried to ask me about how close I'd been to Devlin on the lounge chair. The look on my face must have told her enough because she just laughed excitedly and said we'd talk about it later.

  Thanking my lucky stars, I managed to avoid Devlin the rest of the night although my eyes couldn’t stop meeting his, screwing with my breathing pattern and wreaking havoc on my nerves. I had to think this all through, and a big party full of classmates was not the place to do it.

  While Devlin was still his booming, hilarious self, I couldn’t help but notice that he was more reserved than usual, at times even a little withdrawn. When people started leaving, I was able to finally relax. Devlin caught my eye as he walked out the back gate, but thankfully, didn’t attempt to speak to me again.

  Kim and Crystal had stayed behind to help us clean up, but when we were done, they left too. Gary, Sonya, and I sat out back resting for several minutes before they started in on the Spanish Inquisition.

  "So." Gary leaned forward placing his elbows on his knees and grinning like a fool at me. "Did you have a nice time today?"

  I folded my arms on the glass table in front of me and buried my head in them.

  Sonya sounded tired, but I could still hear the smile in her voice. "Leave her alone, Gary. You already pestered the living daylights out of poor Vaughn about this."

  My head shot up off the table and my temper flared. "You didn't," I accused.

  He stared me down. "And if I did? Do you have something to be hiding, Evie?"

  He trapped me with his words. I stood up and walked quickly to the house, grabbing my bag. I heard the scraping of a chair on the concrete, but moved quickly.

  "Evie, wait!" Sonya sounded worried, but I didn't care. I needed to get out of there. "Let me take you home. It's late."

  Gary laughed. "Let her walk, Sonya."

  I turned at that remark. Gary was usually really protective of us, especially at night. He was whispering something in Sonya's ear, and she was giggling. I wasn't interested in riding anywhere with either of them.

  "I'm fine. I'd rather walk." I didn't wait around for a response. As I was walking past the neighbor’s house, someone came out of the darkness, scaring the life out of me.

  "Evie, it’s okay, it’s just me."

  I don’t know if it actually made me relax or not, but I was slightly comforted by recognizing Devlin’s voice. I stood there for a few moments, staring blankly at him.

  "Sorry," he said as he came closer. "I didn’t mean to scare you. I thought I could give you a ride to Jay’s. You shouldn’t walk that far with that cut on your back."

  "I’m fine," I managed to get out. It was easier since it was dark, and I couldn’t really see his eyes. "Uh, thanks for the offer, though." And it hit me why Gary had no trouble letting me walk home. "Did you plan this with Gary?" I yelled.

  "Come on, Evie. Give me a break, huh?" He sounded upset, kind of like I had been feeling since our kiss. "Let me drive you home. I promise I won’t speed… much." He forced a laugh, and I could tell it was forced.

  So maybe this was bothering him as much as it was me. Maybe he wanted to make sure we were both going to forget about the kiss and go back to being friends. I let the anger fall from my shoulders and walked to his car. As always, he opened the door for me, but this time felt different, more significant somehow. I convinced myself I was just being silly.

  As he drove, I tried my best to stare out the window, but couldn’t prevent my eyes from being drawn to his strong hands as he shifted gears. The overwhelming desire to move my hand four inches from the seat next to me and onto his hand was making me insane. Friends, you idiot! Just friends!

  After several blocks of pea-soup-thick tension, he quietly spoke. "Why are you with Jay?"

  I nearly opened the door and jumped out of the moving car. This was not the direction I was anticipating. How was I even supposed to answer that?

  "I don’t mean." He paused and was clearly hesitant. "I mean, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, I just—Please, I just want to know what it is that’s keeping you with him. I think I deserve that."

  Deserve? Why? Why did he deserve to destroy my peace? Jay was the only option I could turn to. I was lucky to have him and his family. He didn’t deserve me kissing some other guy or wanting that other guy to do it again. Urgh! Deserve? Since when does anyone get what they deserve in life? I tried to be angry, to get myself angry over his comment, but the pleading tone of his question sucker-punched all of the anger out of me. He’d liked me since the moment we first met, tried to hide it since then, just like me. Had he found it just as difficult? Had he struggled with it as I had?

  His forehead wrinkled as he glanced at me. "You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, I just—"

  "No." I finally found my voice. "I was just… thinking it through. Jay—he’s been there for me since before I can remember needing someone to be there for me. He’s one of my best friends. He’s a nice guy with a good heart. I love him."

  He shifted the gears a little aggressively on that last statement, and I was afraid to hurt him. We pulled on to Jay’s street and into the driveway. I put my hand on the door handle, not really wanting to leave him, but knowing I had no reason to stay. His hand on mine stopped me.

  "Evie?"

  I made the mistake of looking up into his wide eyes. He looked so frightened, and it tore me up inside.

  "Are you in love with him?"

  My lips parted letting out a small gasp I couldn’t prevent.

  "Does he make your heart beat all crazy?"

  He brushed my hair behind my ear, and I tried not to lean into his hand. I stopped breathing altogether, and my heart was definitely beating a crazy pattern just then.

  "Do you find it tough to look away from him?"

  Staring into his smoldering eyes I could see the vulnerability there. He felt these things for me as I felt them for him. The connection between us was so powerful, I couldn’t possibly deny it. I tried not to answer, tried not to bury mys
elf deeper in my feelings for him, but my heart shoved out the word before I could pull it back. "No."

  It had been such a soft-spoken answer, so light, I thought he might not have heard me, but the way his chiseled features relaxed told me otherwise. He leaned closer to me, and I could smell his cologne, something I never wanted to forget.

  "Do I make you feel that way?" he whispered so close to my face that I could feel the warmth of his breath on my eyelashes as I tried to keep from staring at him.

  Don’t answer, I told myself. Don’t answer, but my overwrought and overly-tense body ignored my instruction forcing out a barely noticeable nod. Obviously, it was enough for him to notice since he pulled me into a strong, warm embrace that left me tingling everywhere. Against my better judgment, I buried my face in the crook of his neck, breathing him in deeply.

  "Evie, I know it’s more complicated than him just being your boyfriend, but please—" He rubbed his cheek against my hair. "Break up with him before this thing between us drives me insane." Very slowly he relaxed his arms around me.

  I didn’t want to let go. He pulled away from me, bringing his lips to touch my cheek and making it difficult for me to remember exactly how the whole breathing process worked. I closed my eyes, overwhelmed once again by the sensations he set off in me. He pressed his lips to my eyelids, then my nose, and finally my lips. He was so tender and gentle that I just couldn’t stop myself from literally pulling him to me, crushing my lips against his. My fingers threaded through his short, smooth hair, and I couldn’t let go. His hand moved to my hip, squeezing it tightly, and I prayed this moment would last forever. But it didn’t.

  He threaded his fingers through mine and pulled me away from him. The second my lips left his, my eyes flew open in fear and realization. Had I just done that? Outside of Jay’s house? And he pulled away from me. I was filled with embarrassment and guilt.

  Devlin looked me in the eye and shook his head. "I know…" The concerned crease in his forehead was back as he sadly said, "I know where we’re at. This could get out of hand really fast." He took both of my shaky hands in one of his very large, strong, warm hands as he brought the other up to tuck a piece of hair behind my ear again. "You better go while I can still let you go." His arrogant grin was back. He seemed very proud of himself.