Altered

by Kimberly Montague

  Sonya's mom let Sonya and me go "shopping" in her closet where she had a wide selection of evening gowns. She and Gabriel went to Las Vegas to see the shows nearly every other month so she had accumulated quite a selection over the years. Speaking of which, Gabriel surprised Evelyn with a romantic cruise to the Caribbean for their 20th anniversary the weekend of the dance. Neither Sonya nor I minded this much since it saved us from an excellent opportunity for them to embarrass the living daylights out of us in front of our boyfriends. Yes, that's plural on the word "boyfriend" since Sonya and Gary had officially become a couple. After a day in Evelyn's closet, Sonya chose a strapless peach gown, and I fell in love with a blue satin dress that matched Dev's eyes and made my light-green eyes pop.

  Dev and I spent most of our school days hanging out with Sonya and Gary, so we decided to all go to the dance together in Dev's car. When we arrived, it was already pretty crowded, so we had to stand in line outside for several minutes as purses and pockets were checked for inappropriate items. With the way the guys around us had their hands all over their dates, I had to wonder how many condoms the teachers were seeing in their pocket searches. It was cold outside, but while the other guys were using the excuse that they were warming up their dates' arms in order to cop a feel, Dev was a gentleman and simply took off his jacket to place around my shoulders.

  He was so quiet that I had to really wonder if he felt up to the evening. He wasn't coughing or green, but he just didn't look right. I couldn't explain it though, so I didn't say anything. When we got into the hallway outside the gym, it was much warmer, and I noticed sweat beading on his forehead. He was a little paler as he ran his hand through his hair.

  "Hey, we're going to go dance. Come out there with us," Sonya said more to me than to Dev, who had pretty much only said the words "you look beautiful" all night long.

  "We'll be out there in a minute." I was really concerned with the way Dev looked, in fact, I was ready to just forego the whole thing, Homecoming King or not. "Are you sure you're up for this?"

  "I'm fine, don't worry."

  I'd heard more warmth from the weatherman on the news earlier in the evening. "You just don't look like yourself," I tried to explain.

  "I'm fine, Evie, I swear." He sounded annoyed and frustrated despite his devastating handsomeness in his black slacks and bold blue shirt that matched his eyes. He roughly tugged his dark blue tie down and unbuttoned the first few buttons of his shirt in an agitated way, making me worry more.

  "I know," I said very slowly, "it's just, we don't have to be here." I didn't want him to feel like this was a huge deal for me. I would have been perfectly happy watching movies at home. "It's not like we—"

  "Damn it, Evie!" his jaw was clenched, and he spit out the words through gritted teeth in this vicious tone that made me feel awful. "I said I was fine, and I damn-well meant it! Now leave me the hell alone!"

  It felt like he'd reached out and slapped me. He'd never yelled at me, ever. This was not the Dev I knew. I didn't know who this was. "Oh—okay." I started backing away from him, my eyes wide and my heart beating frantically for an entirely different reason than it usually did around him. As he glared down at me, there was something almost evil in his eyes I had never seen before.

  I was actually scared. "Um—I'm just gonna go—Sonya, I'm find Sonya." I didn't bother to make sense of my words, just turned and bolted through the herd of people.

  The crowd got in my way. I tried to push through them and hold back the tears that threatened to overtake me. As I raised my hand to scoot some guy out of my way, I noticed it shaking. He'd really upset me. I had no idea what to think or where I was really going. I certainly wasn't going to find Sonya easily in the crowd. I reached the dance floor and squeezed my way past a single file line of girls grinding obscenely against each other. At the very least, I thought I would get as far away from Dev as I could. Then I stopped abruptly.

  The grinding girls rudely stared at me. Personally, I thought it was hypocritical that they would be so judgmental toward my behavior—standing alone on the dance floor—when they were in the middle of putting on some kind of "Girls Gone Wild" show for the male audience assembled on the edge of the dance floor. But watching them do their thing out there and not care what anyone, including the chaperones, seemed to think, made something click in my brain—some kind of misguided girl power moment.

  Why the hell was I running? He had no right to talk to me that way. I wasn't just going to stand around and take it like some abused woman! I was stronger than that, and Harm taught me better than that. I whirled around and pounded and shoved my way back through the crowd in the direction Dev had been.

  When I had successfully navigated my way back through the line for refreshments, I saw Dev walking toward me. Anger surged through me, and I shoved at his chest with my hand—not that he went anywhere, but it got my point across that I was pissed.

  "Evie, I—"

  "No, you shut up!" I was purposefully loud. "You will never speak to me that way again, do you understand me?" People were watching the rather large scene I was making, but I didn't care. "I don't deserve that crap, and I'm not just going to stand here shaking." Dev put up his hands, shaking his head with his mouth hanging open. "If you can't treat me right then you can go to hell!"

  "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Evie, I was a dick. I'm so sorry."

  I would have shoved him or kicked him in the groin or done something painful to him, but the way his mouth was turned down and his eyebrows were pulled tightly together told me he was already sincerely upset. I still wasn't sure. I'd seen plenty of Lifetime movies where the girl stays with the abusive guy because he "looked so sorry." What was next? Was he going to buy me a present to make up for it? I continued to stare up at him with a hard glare.

  Before I could even acknowledge what he was doing, he dropped to his knees in front of everyone and grabbed my hands. "I don't know what happened. Please, Evie, I'm so sorry. I just can't control my temper lately. It's no excuse. I swear to you, I'll never do it again, I swear." He pressed his forehead to my stomach, and I actually thought he might cry for a moment.

  What on earth was going on here? This was not the Dev I knew. This man in front of me was erratic and confused, and I had no idea what to think. But I had no doubt that he meant his apology, and I wanted to forgive him—not forget, but forgive.

  Resting my hand on top of his head, I ran my fingers through his hair. "Okay, okay. Come on." The long sigh I let out helped me push the anger and adrenaline out of my body. "Get up," I managed to say calmly.

  He stayed on the floor, but looked up at me with the most tortured eyes. "Evie, I—I don't know what's happening to me."

  More than the words he had said, his eyes snapped my attention back to him with the force of a freight train running over me. He seemed so lost and scared. "Come here," I pulled him up and wrapped my arms around him as he dropped his head on my shoulder. Almost immediately, I felt as if he was trying to squeeze the life out of me. "Dev!" I squeaked in his ear, "Too tight! Let go!"

  "Oh!" he pulled back quickly. "I'm sorry, I—I…"

  I managed to breathe again, but didn't back away from him. He just didn't seem to know his own strength, which was weird. But he'd always been really strong, so it didn't seem too weird.

  "Well," I started calmly, "it's been since before you got sick that you actually really hugged me. I guess you've forgotten your own strength, Mr. Tough Guy." I expected an arrogant comment in response, but I swear his lower lip started to quiver. I wrapped my arms around him again, but he kept his hands on my hips. "Dev, what's going on?"

  "I can't control it. I can't control any of it—my strength, my temper. It's like one second I'm fine and the next I'm so angry, and my whole body is tense, and it just takes over. I don't understand it, and I don't want to hurt you. I just—"

  "Shh." Patting his back, I tried to think of something comforting to say, but I was just as confused as he was. Ever since he'd been sick, he'
d been so different. He didn't want to be around me as much, but would talk to me on the phone for hours and hours. It was weird, and when he'd yelled at me, I'd never seen him so passionately angry.

  And that's when it hit me. He was passionate when the anger seemed to take control of him. If we could just get him to think about something he was passionate about, it might drain the energy of being angry. "Have you tried doing something else when you're that angry? Something to distract you?"

  "Like what?"

  "Umm," I tried to think of things I knew he was passionate about. "Football maybe?"

  "The season's over, and I like football, but I don't think it would control the anger—I'd just be taking it out on someone else."

  He had a point, and with his strength, he could really hurt someone. "Well, what about your horses? You're passionate about them, right?"

  "Sure, but I can't run home to them every time I get angry."

  "No, I guess you can't." I kept thinking. He needed something portable. "Music? You're passionate about music, aren't you?"

  "Not really. I mean, I like it. It's okay, but I wouldn't say I'm passionate about it."

  I was getting frustrated. "Well, what are you passionate about? You need to find something that you can put your energy into."

  He stared down at me for a few moments before his lips curved into that crooked, cocky grin of his that made my stomach flutter and made me focus every ounce of my control not to giggle like a silly little girl. I bit the inside of my lip as he grinned down at me, his eyes smoldering.

  "What?" I managed to ask when I caught my breath.

  "The only thing I feel that way about is…" He shook his head quickly. "No, I don't think—"

  "Come on, Dev." I tried to sound encouraging. "Tell me what you were gonna say."

  He ran his hand through my hair. "You—I feel that way about you."

  "Well…" my voice sounded high and completely uneven. I cleared my throat and tried to continue, holding his gaze. "Well, you just yelled at me, so that can't be true." The flash of remorse I saw in his eyes made me regret saying it. His cocky grin fell away from his lips as well, and if it wasn't clear to me before, it was clear to me now that he never wanted to hurt me.

  "No, I…" The fraction he pulled away from me was barely noticeable, but the hesitation in his voice was clear as a bell. "I didn't mean talking. I… never mind."

  How I managed to have this power to change him from completely confident one minute to shy and tentative the next, I had no idea. This time, however, I cursed the ability. Placing both hands on his cheeks, I forced him to look me in the eye again. "Dev, tell me what you meant. Please?"

  He stared down at me for half a song before he finally answered. "Well, this may sound really stupid, but… when I kiss you, everything either gets really slow and calm or it gets crazy and frantic, and I feel like I've run ten miles in a couple minutes. Either way, I feel like I kinda get lost in you, and—"

  Pulling his lips to mine was all I could manage before my own heart beat itself to death. His lips were soft and gentle, but I wouldn't let him stay that way, making him put some passion behind it. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew we must be making a spectacle of ourselves, but I was just as lost in Dev as he had said he got lost in me. I didn't give a crap what everyone around us thought. I wrapped my arms around his neck pulling him as close to me as he could get.

  "Would you two cut it out!" Gary ruined the mood. "There are freshmen present."

  I started to pull away, but Dev just deepened the kiss, completely ignoring Gary's interruption. Who was I to argue with Dev? Besides, my mouth was too busy to be used for arguing.

  Sonya tapped me on the shoulder managing to gain my attention. "Hey, Ms. Brenard is walking over here."

  Reluctantly, Dev pulled his lips from mine, but thankfully kept his arms around me. My knees felt so weak, and the heels I wore certainly didn't help matters.

  I leaned up and spoke softly in his ear. "If that was you after the anger had passed, I don't know if I can handle you when you're overwhelmed by it."

  His only response was to wink at me and kiss my cheek. My Dev had returned. The craziness in his eyes when he snapped at me still floated somewhere in the back of my mind, but I was able to ignore it and enjoy myself.

  "Are we dancing tonight or are we all dressed up with nothing to do?" Dev asked loud enough for everyone to hear.

  As I grabbed Dev's hand to tug him toward the dance floor, I was poked by something. "Hey, what was that?"

  He glanced down toward where our hands had been entwined and appeared a bit sheepish and embarrassed. "Sorry, I uh, I need to cut my fingernails."

  I picked up his hand to examine them and was shocked to see how long they were. They weren't several inches or anything, but they were well beyond the "acceptable" length for men's nails. Not only were they long, but as I touched them, I noticed how hard they were, and very thick and very dirty.

  "Have you been playing in the dirt today?" I asked.

  "No, why?"

  I held his hand up to the small amount of light bouncing around the room. "Your nails are so dirty."

  With lightning speed, he snatched his hand away from me placing it behind his back. "Are we gonna stand around here and chat about nails or are we dancing?"

  I had no idea what, but I knew there was something more to this nail thing. Tilting my head, I gave him my best tell-me-everything-you-know stare, but he wouldn't budge.

  After being yelled at earlier, I decided not to push his temper and gave in. "We're dancing."

  Sadly, the DJ played very few slow songs. While our attraction and passion for each other are—I'm quite sure—unsurpassed, screwing Dev on the dance floor to the beat of some high energy crap was just a little beyond my comfort level. When one of our male classmates pulled a chair out onto the dance floor and proceeded to have the girls give him lap dances, I had seen enough. Dev even looked disgusted and shook his head at the sight.

  An hour was still left of the dance, so Dev, Sonya, Gary and I found a quiet corner in the small gym where they had set up tables covered in warm orange tablecloths with candles in the center. Dev scooted his chair as close to mine as he could and put his arm across the back of my chair. We all laughed easily about the lap dance incident and how gross it was to see a few teachers dancing closely with their spouses. Basically, we spent our time enjoying each other's company.

  Nearing the end of the dance, the sudden throng of people moving from the small gym into the large gym clued us in to the fact that they were announcing the homecoming court winners. Dev insisted that he didn't care and wanted to stay right where he was, but Mr. Berg came in and forced him into the gym. The sigh of relief Mr. Berg let out when he found Dev pretty much guaranteed that he had won.

  Standing up on the small stage in front of the dance floor, Dev ran his hand through his hair uncomfortably. It was so odd. He was the life of every party, the center of attention wherever other people were gathered, and here he was bouncing from foot to foot with an extremely forced smile on his face. I could not figure out what had caused this change.

  Sonya, Gary, and I clapped as they announced the other winners. The winner for Homecoming Queen was one of the most popular cheerleaders and completely no surprise, although I was able to admire her beautiful silver dress. When they proclaimed Dev to be the Homecoming King, Gary let out a loud whistle, nearly deafening me. I smacked him on the back and was about to walk off the dance floor, aware of the fact that Dev would now dance with the girl in the pretty silver dress, when Gary put his hand on my shoulder.

  Confused, I simply stared up at Gary.

  "Looks like he's doing this his way," he explained, nodding to the stage.

  Turning back to the front, I saw silver-dress-girl putting her arms around another guy while Dev came walking toward me.

  He winked at me as he pulled me to the spot-lit circle in front of the dance floor. "There's only one girl I want to dance with," h
e whispered in my ear as the delicate notes of a slow song floated around us.

  Self-conscious was a bit of an understatement as they projected images of us dancing together on the large screen behind the DJ. I would have been supremely nervous, but as always, Dev saved me. Instead of holding my hand with his other on my lower back, Dev put both arms around my waist, pulling me as close to him as possible in a cocoon of safety. Obviously, I didn't mind. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I rested my cheek against the warmth of his chest as we swayed in a small circle.

  Being in his arms was like nothing I had experienced before. I could smell his cologne and feel his heart beating against my cheek. It was perfect, and I found myself searching for his eyes. The blue electricity that met my gaze was so strong and warm that it made the gym and all the people around us fall away. When his lips connected with mine, the passion between us burst quickly into flames spreading throughout my body and overwhelming all my senses.

  "Slut!" Before I could even register where the very loud accusation came from or who it was even directed at, Jay was in front of us shoving me away from Dev. I thought perhaps I would have been able to handle myself better if I hadn't been so wrapped up in kissing Dev, but when I landed several feet away—hard on the floor—it became clear that Jay was out to physically hurt me.

  "What the hell—" Dev yelled, but Jay just punched Dev, sending him flying away.

  Jay turned back to me, his face contorted in anger and hatred. I wanted to cry. What on earth happened to him? Why were the guys in my life turning into people I didn't recognize tonight?

  While my conscience was contemplating the role of our breakup in turning Jay into this scary person, Jay was charging back at me. Still on the floor, I tried to scoot away from him, but he was on me in seconds. I could feel myself shaking. His eyes were bloodshot and wrong somehow, and his lips were pursed with pure hatred—it scared the crap out of me.

  "You bitch! How long have you been screwing him?"