by Mia Ford
“Morning!” I’m glad I didn’t peek when I hear Tamara’s soft spoken voice from behind me. That would have been awful. Not only would I have not got the breakfast to her in bed which was my original plan, I also wouldn’t have been trustworthy in her eyes anymore. That would have ended things before they’ve begun.
“Oh, good morning.” I smile and give her a guilty look. “Sorry I wanted to do something nice for you.”
Her eyes rake up and down me, making me acutely aware that I’m in only a towel. I almost forgot but now that she’s undressing me it makes me laugh. I seem to bring something out of her! I hope it’s just for me anyway.
“That’s erm, yeah that’s okay…” She finally stammers back. “This is really nice and it smells good too.”
She takes a seat at her dining table and gives me an expecting look. This actually isn’t as awkward as it might have been which is nice. I don’t want things to be weird between us. I’m not one for a one night stand anyway so I don’t know how I’d take it if this felt like that. I really like Tamara even more than I thought I would.
“Did you want to come out today?” I ask her while I finish up the cooking. “Do something fun? I’m going to have to pick up Al’s car in a minute and I thought it could be cool to do something new…”
“You don’t have to take the car back?” I shake my head. “Okay, well that sounds awesome, I’d like that.”
I don’t know what we’ll do, I have no plan, but I’m just super excited to spend more time with Tamara. I hand her the pancakes with happiness buzzing in my brains. Especially when I look at her gorgeous, natural face. Her bed head is amazing, her clean skin is gorgeous, her pajamas look fantastic on her. She’s stunning. It takes everything I have not to race to her side and grab her tightly. All I want to do is hold her close.
I’m so looking forward to today, the more I think about it I can’t wait. It’s going to be awesome…
As me and Tamara wonder around the carnival chewing on our candy floss, my heart soars. This has been one of the best days of my life, even better than I thought it would be. She makes me so damn happy, it’s mad.
“So, what ride do you want to go on next?” I ask her with a grin. “What about that one?”
I point to the highest ride which flips the riders upside down and spins them in the air. It looks vomit inducing, the sort of thing that a bolshily teenager would enjoy but probably not us… or so I think. The way that Tamara’s head bobs enthusiastically up and down suggests she’s actually keen on it. This might have been a mistake! I can’t retract it now though, not without looking like a massive wimp. I don’t want that.
“Sure… right, come on then. Let’s do it. Let’s go on the ride.”
I toss the rest of my candy floss away and watch as she does the same. Nerves dart through my body but the desire to impress Tamara is too high. I want her to think of me as cool, so when she takes my hand I go with her happily. I have a feeling that I would follow her absolutely anywhere.
What am I doing? I curse myself angrily. Why am I moving so quickly?
I know that if Tamara could see what was going on behind my eyes she’d run for the hills. This is basically date number two, not the first day of the rest of our lives. I now things moved a bit quick last night but that doesn’t mean I need to push things further. I need to try and calm myself down, even if she’s perfect,
It’s hard to stop myself, especially with adrenaline from the fair coursing through me, but I’m going to have to try. The future of this - if there even is one - depends on it.
“Are you okay?” Tamara asks me as we reach the queue. “You’ve gone a bit quiet?”
I try to work out what will be less embarrassing to admit, and in the end, I decide fear is the best option. I can’t say nothing because it’s probably obvious from my face that something is going on. It’s obvious in Tamara’s eyes that she can see right into my core. “I’m not too keen on heights, that’s all.”
“Oh…” She doesn’t look one hundred percent convinced. “We don’t have to go on it…”
“Of course we do!” I smile, trying to convince her with my grin. “I’m not that scared.”
I wrap my arm around her and pull her towards me for a kiss. I need to distract her with my lips. At first, it’s just a technique to take her mind of my weirdness, but soon I get into it and I regret being in public. I wish we could be back at her home so I could take her into the bedroom and explore her body once more…
“Will you stop it?” She slaps me playfully and pushes me away. “You’re driving me wild.”
She bites down on her bottom lip and gives me a flirty look. I think she might want the same thing as well. It’s frustrating, but it doesn’t matter. We don’t have to just have sex, we can do other things as well…
“Right, come on. We’re next.” She tugs me towards the ride. “Then maybe we should get out of here.”
As we take our seats in the cold metallic ride, anticipation builds in my chest. It’s about the prospect of being flung about in the air but it’s similar to the way I feel when it comes to me and Tamara as well. Things are building, they’re coming to something, we’re about to toss our emotions into the air to be tossed about like rag dolls, just like we will be in a moment. Completely wild and out of control. I just hope we come down from the ride happy and smiling rather than throwing up and hating each other just because we tried…
She isn’t Laura… that’s the main thing I need to remember. She isn’t going to treat me like that.
I don’t think she is, I don’t even compare the two, but I can feel that old insecurity dancing about in my belly. It’s because of me not her. I’m the one with issues, this time I just want to be good enough. I don’t want to be left hollow and alone as another woman finds happiness in the arms of another man. My brain unhelpfully replaces the image of Laura fucking someone else to Tamara which I have to shake away rapidly. I cannot ruin this with moving too fast or my deep rooted issues. I have to keep hold of myself, it’s going to be okay!
Tamara takes my hand through the straps holding us in and she smiles in my direction. It confirms that she’s different, she’s special. I don’t know how I know that but I can feel it deep in my core. I can just sense it.
“Alistair was definitely right,” I mutter to myself. “I need to take more chances.”
“Hmm?” she asks me. “Are you sure you’re okay? We can get off if you want…”
But we can’t. Just like our relationship the ride starts out of nowhere and sends us both flying. As we cascade through the sky I feel myself caving to Tamara completely. She’s going to be good for me, I can just feel it.
12
Tamara
Ring, ring… ring, ring… ring, ring…
I stare up at the ceiling with a giant smile playing on my lips while I wait for Katherine to answer. I’m in such a blissful place, happiness is actually floating through my body, I need to share this joy with my best friend. She’ll be happy for me when it comes to this, she knows more than anyone how much I need this.
“Hello?” she sounds sleepy. “Tamara, is everything okay?”
“Oh, sorry, did I wake you up?” I glance at the time but it’s only 6 PM. “Are you napping?”
“Hmm, yeah I think so. It’s been a busy old week at work and I’m shattered.”
I roll my eyes dramatically. “Are you serious? Girl, once upon a time we were out all night long.”
I think of the photo that Logan found where we were covered in neon paint. I can barely remember that night, or at least I’ve blocked most of it out, but I know me and Katherine used to have a whole lot of fun.
“I know that but I’m old now.” There’s a teasing to my friend’s tone. “I can’t hack it anymore.”
“You aren’t that old! You’re talking like we’re ancient. There’s still some life in you.”
Katherine doesn’t say anything for a while, which isn’t surprising of her. I know what she’
s like when she first wakes up, it takes her a few moments to get her head together. I can wait here patiently until she’s ready to hear me. Mostly because I really need her to hear my words. They’re bursting at the seams, desperate to escape.
“Okay.” She lets out a big yawn, but she’s speaking again. “What’s going on then? How did your date go?”
“It spilled all the way from last night into today.” I bite down on my bottom lip while I think about it. “Dinner last night was incredible, after dinner was phenomenal, and today at the fair was even better.”
This time, Katherine’s silence has nothing to do with her waking up. I can almost hear the cogs in her brain spinning. “Wait a minute, after dinner? What the hell happened after dinner? You didn’t… did you?”
I nod before I speak. “Yep, we sure did, and fuck me it was wonderful. It made me feel incredible.”
“Wow… I don’t know… I don’t know what to say…” She sounds stunned. “That’s awesome, right?”
“Oh, Katherine, it’s amazing.” I roll onto my front. “Honestly, I’m so happy.”
“So, you think that it might actually become something? It isn’t going to be a short term thing?”
I don’t think that at all, but I don’t want her to know I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m still wary that it could fizzle and I don’t want to be left looking a fool. If it does all fall apart I can just say it was a rebound thing to save face. I don’t know why that’s important when it comes to Katherine but I can’t help myself.
“Oh, I don’t know. It could turn into anything, but for now it feels good. He was incredible in bed.”
“Yeah? You’re going to have to tell me everything at some point. Face to face though.”
That’s her cue that she doesn’t want to hear it right now which is fine. I’d much rather see her while I explain how much he sets my body alight. Plus, the more I think about it while I’m lying on my bed, the more my core pulses and my fingers itch to slowly reach down and touch myself… I really have become an animal!
“Alright, alright. I’ll be patient even though you know I’m dying to tell you. When can we hang out?”
“Oh, we should do soon. Do you have a picture to show me? I want to see the man who’s made you so happy.”
“Hold on, I’ll send it to you.” I scroll through the phone until I find the one of us with our faces pressed tightly together in front of the roller coaster which I insisted I took and I send it to her quickly. “There, you got it?”
It takes her a couple of seconds, but soon she replies. “Yep, I got it. Do I know him?”
“Huh? Do you?” Maybe there’s a reason I should have that familiar sensation. “Who is he?”
“I don’t know. I’m racking my brains but I can’t place him. You didn’t know him already?”
“No, I don’t think so. Although, I thought that too. Maybe he just has one of those faces.”
Ooh, I want to see his face, I want to hug him tightly, I want to hold him. I squeeze myself tight while I think about that wonderful sensation of holding him all night long. I wish he was back here already.
“Hmm, yeah maybe. Or perhaps it’ll hit me when I finally meet him face to face… if it gets that far.”
“I think it might get that far, you know. I’m sure you’ll meet him at some point.”
She sighs loudly. “Urgh, you’re making me jealous, you know. I want to go on a date.”
“I’ll ask him if he has any friends soon, or I’ll find someone nice to set you up.”
If I’m happy, I want my friend to be too. It would be so cool if we could find someone that she likes enough to double date with, but she’s fussy, I suppose, so it might not be the easiest thing ever.
“Right, well I have to go. Now that you’ve disturbed my nap I need to get on with work. I’ve got so much to do before Monday morning and I cannot get behind. It’ll only be me who suffers for it.”
I’m so glad that’s not me. It won’t ever be me. At least not while I have my money rolling around in my bank account… I really do need to work out what amazing thing I’m going to do with it because I’ll never have that amount again. I don’t want to waste it all doing nothing. I’ll regret it forever more.
“Yeah, okay.” I glance towards my computer, deciding that will help. “Speak soon, bye, Katherine!”
Once I hang up the phone I bounce along the room until I bring the computer to life. I hop from foot to foot impatiently while it whirs and the screen lights up. There’s an itch inside my body, one that needs to be set free.
I stare at the list in front of me as a burning excitement races through my system. At first, I thought I might just be copying Logan by looking at the idea of traveling but now I really like it for myself. Of course, I would much prefer to go with him but I don’t want to push him away by diving in too fast. I suppose it could be a good thing to do it by myself anyway. It would help me to spread my wings and soar.
Almost as if he can sense me thinking about him, I get a text from Logan.
‘Hey, how’s it going? X’
‘Great,’ I reply. ‘Missing this though… xx’
I send the picture I took at the carnival, hoping that he’ll like it. He didn’t take one himself and I’d love him to have a permanent reminder of how good a time we had. Surely, that’s not too forward…
‘Aww, look how cute I am! Lol. We should do it again some time xxx’
I sink back into my chair and remember the kiss we shared at the end of the date. It was even more powerful than the first kiss we shared even though it wasn’t leading anywhere, or maybe because it wasn’t leading anywhere, I’m not sure. It felt so special, so intense. I want it again. I wish we could have kissed all afternoon long, it left me a little gutted when he went. But I suppose I’m still here, wanting more.
‘I know, right? How about next weekend? Xx’
That’s much too long for me, but I know he has work and I don’t want him to be forced to reject me because of it. Just because I now don’t have anything to do but wait from Monday to Friday, doesn’t mean the same for him. He’s got this whole other life to keep him busy, a bit like Katherine.
It’s only when I consider the agonizing wait throughout the week that I think about work again. I should have something to keep me distracted that would make it a whole lot easier.
‘I don’t know if I can wait that long.’ I breathe out a sigh of relief as I read those words. Thank goodness it isn’t just me. The fact that he must be as into this as I am makes my chest swell with happiness. ‘Wednesday suit you? There’s this cute little Italian place just around the corner from work if you fancy it? xxx’
‘Text me the address and the time and I’ll meet you there! Looking forward to it. xxx’
I get my reply with the details quickly and as I do I make the choice to get there a little early so I can check out his office. I want to know everything there is to know about him, I want to learn all about him inside and out. I know he hates his job but I’d still like to see more of it. it’s interesting to learn what’s shaped him and why he is the way he is. I won’t go in, I’m not mental, I’ll just take a look from outside.
I haven’t ever been so desperate to get inside someone’s head before, not even Pete in the early days when I liked him a lot. This is different, this is new, this is more. It’s the familiarity. It’s the fact that I feel like I already know him. I guess I just want to fill in the gaps of everything I’m already sure of.
I type his name into the Internet, wondering if there will be anything there but he doesn’t seem to have much of an online presence. A Facebook page that he often ignores and a Twitter account with only three Tweets. The online world doesn’t intrigue him too much, a bit like me. We have more and more in common…
‘By the way, I just want to tell you how beautiful you are,’ he surprises me by texting again. ‘I keep thinking it but I don’t think I’ve said it to you yet xxx’
His words fill me w
ith an incredible confidence, mostly because it’s hard not to believe him when he says it like that. He makes me feel like I’m a much more important person than I actually am and I want to cling onto that. Where Pete pushed me down, he drags me up. Where he made me fear myself, Logan makes me like myself. He’s exactly what I need right now. The fact that he feels so perfect for me is amazing, it makes me forget that he might well vanish and leave me soon enough. I can worry about that when the time comes.
‘You’re not too bad yourself you know,’ I reply with a big smile on my face. ‘I think I might like you xx’
It’s hard not to run too fast when it seems like he is too, it’s challenging to keep myself intact. But if it isn’t putting him off me then I don’t see the issue. We aren’t exactly doing things in the right order, are we?
‘I like you too… I’m certainly looking forward to Wednesday. You’ll make this week easier xxx’
I imagine him at his desk, miserable because of work but happy because of me and I like that idea a lot. It’s nice to have him just as in this as me, even if we don’t fully know where we’re headed. But for now, I don’t want to think about that. It’s much more pleasant to live in the here and now. Everything else can come later.
13
Logan
The humming doesn’t stop, I can’t seem to switch it off, however hard I try. Happiness circles through me and coils my veins, making me act in a way I haven’t done for a very long time. I’m not myself and that’s all because of her. The raven haired beauty from the train who’s made my life a very different place to me.
“You’re happy today,” Emily, the secretary who I’ve never had much time for before, comments. “Especially since it’s a Monday morning. What’s going on in the world of Logan Matthews then?”