by Mia Ford
“Oh, I don’t know.” I shrug but choose to keep my secret to myself. I don’t want me and Tamara to become the subject of office gossip which is possible if nothing phenomenal has happened this weekend. “Just happy.”
“Well, I wouldn’t let Ron see you like that. He’ll want to crush it out of you immediately. You know how he is. He likes to keep this place a hell hole of sheer misery. You cannot mess that up for him.”
A booming laugh bursts from my chest, probably the first genuine one I’ve ever let out since I came to work here. It’s not so much that Emily’s joke is funny - it’s much too true for that - but I’m just buzzing. I feel like an excitable child about to break up for the school holidays, or one who’s been let loose in a candy store.
“Yeah, you’re right, I’ll turn down the smile.” I give her a nod. “See ya later on, Emily.”
There’s a definite bounce to my step as I head to my desk and I’m completely unbothered by the deep grayness of the walls. Everything that was once so depressing about this place still exists, but it doesn’t trouble me nearly as much. I can let it wash off of me like water off a duck’s back. None of it matters when I’m this happy.
I take a seat and swing back on my chair. I can’t see the window from here unless I lean really far until almost tipping point, but I just want to see a glimpse of the sky. Even though I’ve just come from outside I want to see it again. It’s when leaning back that I catch the attention of Ron, much to my annoyance.
“Ah, Logan,” he growls gruffly at me, narrowing his eyes. “I want to talk to you about last week’s reports.”
I resist the urge to roll my eyes. “I got them all in on time last week, I didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I know that.” He actually sounds surprised as if he hasn’t spent the last few months yelling at me to focus every damn day. “I just want more. I need the monthly one with more details for a meeting this afternoon…”
As he drones on, explaining exactly what he wants and why, anger bubbles inside of me. If I don’t work to Ron’s standards, he gets pissed with me, and if I do he expects me to do more. I can’t win. I wanted to spend the majority of today filling in the data entry forms that need completing while doing some more planning. That’s how I relax and get back into the swing of things on Monday mornings. I don’t need more added to that.
By the time he leaves my desk, I let the annoyance subside. I suppose I’m still happy, I don’t need to let one little set back irritate me. It’s pointless. Ron will be Ron whatever I do and I’ll still be out of this place soon.
I don’t know what it is but the idea of going isn’t quite filled with the same joy it once was. I still want to explore the world but I actually have something to stay for now, someone I care about.
This is crazy, I warn myself. I can’t stay for Tamara. I’ll always regret it. This is my world wide trip!
I know that I can’t allow two dates and one amazing night to change everything that I’ve been working on for years, but I can still feel that odd pull inside. I just don’t want to leave and lose her. The idea of coming back and finding her with someone else, married maybe, it destroys me. She’s amazing, why wouldn’t someone else notice that? Of course they will, I can’t be the only person to see her beauty and spark. She’s freaking beautiful.
I bang my fists on the desk, happiness subsiding and becoming something else. I can feel it churning angrily inside of me, frustrating me. This isn’t right, I shouldn’t be pissed off because of this. It’s good, everything’s going really well, why is my brain so desperate to wreck this for me? What is my problem?
Stop thinking, just work. That’s such an easy idea but hard to follow through. Just focus on the data, all will be fine. I don’t need to get up in my own head about this, I just need to be normal.
I can’t work out what it is about Tamara that makes me insane, she isn’t like anyone else. I feel lost when I’m not with her, lonely when we’re apart, happy when we’re together, like she completes me. This is mental. I’m massively out off control. Even in the early days with Laura, it wasn’t like this. There’s something inside of me, telling me that this is special and I shouldn’t let it go. Some fling to get me back on the horse, huh! This is exactly the sort of thing that Alistair would kick my damn ass about. I shouldn’t be so freaking serious. Why can’t I just go with the flow? Why can’t I just be easy going? Honestly, I crave that for myself!
I bring the spreadsheet to life and start doing the mindless task I need to complete, all the while batting thoughts out of my brain. It isn’t easy to focus, but I need to, I can’t get sucked in by anxiety. It isn’t helpful, it sure as hell isn’t useful, so I need to just forget about it. Typing is easier, I just need to do that.
But of course, it doesn’t go anywhere. The anxiety sticks with me all day long. I keep getting these images of leaving and having to say goodbye to this happiness forever. I can’t expect Tamara to wait for me. I’ll be gone for at least six months, it could be the thing that kills us. I know it’s insane, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking it. It’s still there, worrying me, concerning me more than it should.
“What is the matter?” Al asks me with a sharp tone. “Where’s the happy bastard from this morning?”
I try to laugh, to show that I’m not really miserable, but I can’t really hide it. It’s there, tugging at me, bothering me. My best friend knows me all too well. “I don’t know, I’m just freaking myself out.”
“Oh God.” He groans and rolls his eyes. “Only you could turn sex into something more complicated.”
“How do you know?” He might know me, but I’m still shocked. He can see right through me!
“Because it’s written all over your face. You’re turning it into something bigger in your mind.” He makes a winding gesture with his fingers. “I can almost see it ticking behind your brain, making it complex.”
I sigh and hang my head low, knowing that he’s right. “How do I stop it? I don’t want to wreck things.”
He rests his hands on my shoulders and waits until I look in his eyes so I can really see how much he means this. “It’s your plan to go, right? You’ll soon be on the trip you’ve been planning. So, you physically can’t get too attached. That’s a good thing, it means you might actually live in the moment for a while.”
I nod slowly wishing I could just succumb to his suggestion. But I already know that isn’t possible. Tamara consumes far too much of my brain now, I can’t switch this back to just a casual thing.
“Oh, come on, Logan, don’t be like this. You’re going to push her away. When are you seeing her again?”
“Wednesday.” I wince as I say this. I don’t know if he’s going to yell because I’m seeing her so quickly.
“Okay, so that gives you a couple of days to chill the fuck out. Just calm it down.” He steps away and shakes his head disappointedly at me. “Start focusing on your trip instead. Focus your passion on that. You’re good at losing yourself in your travels. Normally I can’t get a word out of you while you plan.” He lets out a strangled laugh, trying to make it into a joke which doesn’t quite land. “So, why don’t you do that now? Forget about it.”
“Yeah, okay.” I dart my eyes over to my travel guides, trying to ignore the panging memory of the moment spent by the bookshelf where we finally caved to temptation. “I think I will. I’ll do some more reading.”
“Good, because I have a date tonight and I don’t want to worry about you moping.” He pats me on the back. “I need to have a good time it’s been… oh, a good couple of days. Sassi should be fun, too.”
“Sassi? A new one?” I screw up my nose. “Already?”
I just know what this place is going to become when I’m gone. Al won’t have me to worry about so he can bring a different girl back here every single night if he wants to. Thank God I’ve thought ahead to factor the rent into my budget so I don’t lose my room. I’m going to need somewhere to return while I plan again. I’ll a
lso have to make sure that I lock my room behind me so nothing goes on in there… urgh, I don’t want to think about it.
“Yeah, you just go…” I wave my hand towards the door. “You have fun. I’ll do some more plotting.”
He gives me a funny look but I know it’ll take much more of a disaster for Al to give up a date. I don’t need him here babysitting me anyway, I’m fine by myself. I’ve always liked my own company until now. I’m more than happy to throw myself into what I usually do a lot of all day long. I need to get back to me.
But as the door shuts behind Alistair, I don’t rush over to the books. Instead, I slide my eyes closed and I picture my trip in a different way. I see it with a hand in mine, a mouth to talk to, another person to share the experience with. It makes for a different feel and I kinda like it. It’s just a shame this didn’t all happen much sooner because then we’d have been together long enough for us to discuss her coming with me. I don’t know how she’d take it right now, it might scare her. It probably would. She isn’t as nuts as I am. I’m sure she’s moving at a normal pace, just like she should be. I’m the only one who doesn’t know how to be normal.
I sigh loudly and move my way towards the books, needing to focus my attention on that instead. I need to bury my head in the text, to look at pictures and imagine myself there. That’s always my escapism and I need to escape from real life right about now. More than usual. But there’s something empty about it today, something that feels empty. It just isn’t the same… it’s hopeless. I guess all I can do is climb into bed to sleep it off. If it isn’t going to work then I can just hope that tomorrow will be better.
Thank goodness I have until Wednesday. I’m pretty sure I’ll be fine by then. Nothing to worry about at all. I’m certainly not going to toss and turn all night long and worry about it. No chance of that!
14
Tamara
I don’t know what I thought it would be like, but I’m a little surprised by how boring Logan’s office is. I guess I had it built up in my mind to be this fiery pit of hell, but it’s just gray and bland. It’s the sort of place that I could easily walk past hundreds of times and not even glance its way. If I lived in this area, I probably would never want to see it again.
Disappointment floods me. I shouldn’t have come early, just because I’ve been bored and restless for three days. Now I’m going to have to wait the endlessly painful long time for him to finish his shift. This doesn’t tell me anything, only that I can see why he’s bored of it. I don’t even have to go in and I can already see the boredom is stifling. Whereas the building I had my interview was sleek, glamourous, and intimidating, this is just dull. I can’t see someone as sparkling as Logan. He should be doing something meaningful and fun.
I get that familiar tug in my chest, the desire to reach out and grab him. If he were here I would probably drag him towards me for a kiss right now and beg him to stay. But I can’t do that. I know I have to be cool.
I straighten my dress down, trying to prepare myself for the moment where it’s brought up again. I’m going to have to act like it isn’t troubling me and that I’m happy for him to leave. If I don’t, I risk ruining what I have with him. I want him to go wishing he could be back with me, not running away. I couldn’t blame him either.
To pass the time, I go for a little walk around the area. There isn’t much here, nothing exciting to see and no shops I can waste a few moments looking at knick knacks, but I suppose that’s okay. The main thing I want is to remain calm. I don’t know what impression Logan has of me right now but I don’t want to wreck it. If he thinks I’m cool and nice to be around, I don’t want him to know the way my brain races about him. If he could see in my mind and picture the future that I’ve been seeing he would turn and run in the other direction.
I catch a glimpse of myself in a window and I can almost see the madness dancing behind my gaze. I suck in a few deep breaths, trying to steady myself, and soon I feel confident enough to head back to the office. In his message, Logan said he would be ten minutes from now so I might as well be there to greet him. I’m not interested in playing any games and being fashionably late, I just want to see him already. I feel all anxious inside, there’s a deep gnawing within me, if I don’t get to have his face in front of me soon, I might explode.
I walk quickly and soon reach his office. There I wait just across the road for him to come out. As soon as five o clock hits, people spill through the doors as if they can’t wait to escape - not that I can blame them - but they’re not him. Not for a while anyway. Gossipy women pass, men headed for the pub, people unashamedly flirting with one another… every face but the one I want to see. For a second, I start to doubt myself that I’m in the right place. I checked and rechecked the directions a million times, but perhaps I’m still wrong…
But then, he’s there. His face comes into view and I can feel that magnetic pull yanking me to him. As soon as my eyes find him my mouth breaks out into a big, wide smile. Immediately, I’m on top of the world. It doesn’t escape my notice that he doesn’t exactly look the same way, but he has just had a long few hours inside that building having the life sucked out of him by the minute. It’d probably take me a while too.
“Hey,” I gush while slipping my arm through his. “Are you ready to have some fun?”
I expect even a half smile from him but it doesn’t come. Instead I get a semi-serious nod and a grave look. Without saying a damn thing to me, he walks towards the Italian restaurant as if heading to his doom. This isn’t what I was expecting and I can’t help feeling a pang of sadness. This isn’t like the weekend at all. That was all fun and happy and carefree. I guess I thought that was going to be our vibe, but now it’s as if he doesn’t want to be with me. I bite my bottom lip, fighting the tears that threaten to come. I cannot cry now, no way!
“So, how was work?” I rasp, sadness lacing my tone. “Did you have a good day?”
“Oh, you know.” It’s as if he can’t even stand to look at me which crushes the confidence he gave me. “Same as always, just another day slogging away until I can leave. Nothing exciting to report at all.”
I gulp, trying to swallow down the thick ball of emotion that lodges itself in my throat. “I see.”
“How was your day?” His tone is bored, I don’t think he wants to know. This definitely isn’t the guy I’ve been with before. Have I romanticized him in my mind because I want him to be that way? “Get up to much?”
“Not really.” I shake my head rapidly. “Just been getting some organizing done.”
We wander into the restaurant and take our seats. I’m starting to think I’d be better off putting an end to this now before my soul gets even more destroyed. I’m not too sure what’s keeping me here, except the idea that it was much better before. I guess I’m still chasing something that isn’t really there anymore, maybe it never was.
We place our orders and as we do I keep looking at Logan. It’s easy for me to stare because he won’t meet my eye at all. I get the distinct impression that he’s hiding something from me. Possible things roll through my brain: what if he has a girlfriend? What if he just wanted a one night stand? What if he hates me now?
I need to know. I know the way that my brain works and if I don’t demand to hear the truth soon, I’ll crumble. My mind will twist up in tightly coiled knots so much that even the truth won’t be able to set me free. It’s scary, but I’m going to try and remember the person he was to ask that version of him what’s going on now.
To do so, I slide my eyes closed, I take a deep breath, and I force the words to come. They sound labored because of all the pressure it takes to set them free, but thank goodness they make some sense.
“What’s going on, Logan?” My throat aches painfully. “You don’t seem like you want to be here.”
I guess I expect him to instantly defend himself. I think he’s going to tell me that he does want to be here but that he’s just tired. I might have even been able to accept t
hat excuse if it came, but it doesn’t. He remains silent for far too long which causes my eyes to sting. He really doesn’t want to be here, this is all a mistake.
It makes me want to take a step back from love itself. It clearly isn’t right for me to even want this if it’s causing this much pain. With Pete and now with Logan, although I have to admit this hurts more. Maybe this is all a sign that I should be focusing on something else. I must not be ready for something real.
“I’m a bit freaked out,” he finally tells me quietly. “I don’t know what’s going on here.”
His answer takes me aback, I don’t know what to do with it. “Erm, right okay. I see,” I say even though I don’t. His face is a mask and I really want to pull it off to see what’s going on underneath. “With me and you?”
He sighs loudly, I can tell this is painful for him to say. “Look, I know this is nuts but I’m going to be honest with you.” I straighten my spine, preparing myself for this. I don’t know what the truth is, but I do know that it’s going to be something that I don’t like too much otherwise he wouldn’t look so awkward about it. “I’m freaked out because I like you, and because I have to go too. I know we didn’t talk about this stuff, it’s like the argument on the train, we brush it under the carpet, but it’s bothering me and making me distant.”
I almost leap on the fact that he talked about some argument on a train which must have been someone else, but I don’t. I can see that isn’t the core of the issue and to be honest I would much rather deal with that. Mainly because it’s a very similar feeling to what I’ve been having so I guess that means we need to discuss it.
“We don’t have to brush it under the carpet,” I try to reassure him. “We can talk about it if you want. You’ve told me about your trip from the very beginning, I know that it’s important to you.”
My heart clenches at the same time as my stomach. My words might be all well and good but my emotions aren’t. We both know that having an end date changes things. It makes it that much harder to consider. We’re locked in a time loop and we will be until the time that he goes… unless we plan to reconcile when he gets back. I won’t ask him to wait for me, it’s much too soon for that, but I can cope if I know he’s coming back to me. I might torture myself over what he’s doing when he’s away, but I’ll try and better myself too. Try!