Gone With the Nerd

by Vicki Lewis Thompson

  "Zoe, they're harmless."

  "Easy for you to say. You've never met one. Listen, should we take it anything? Cheese, crackers, beads, trinkets ... a Mennen Speed Stick?"

  "I don't think we want to lure it closer."

  "I was thinking more along the lines of appeasing it." She stepped into a pool of moonlight and grabbed her Einstein sweatshirt. "I thought maybe we should demonstrate our friendly intentions, like they show in the movies when the aliens land."

  "Uh, I don't think we have to worry about that." In the moon's glow he could see her breasts. Even though his view was fuzzy, he could tell she hadn't put on a bra. He waited to see if she'd go braless under the sweatshirt. She did choose that option, which gave him all sorts of friendly intentions. He'd have to work hard to concentrate on Bigfoot.

  "I'm ready." She glanced at him. "Are you ready?"

  "Yeah. No, wait, my glasses." He fumbled around on the chair but couldn't find them.

  "Here, let me." Zoe pawed through the stack of clothes and came up with them. "I'm sure you're not used to working with messes."

  "Not so much." He put on the glasses.

  "You've been very tolerant of mine."

  "It was easy." If she only knew that being allowed in this bedroom, messes and all, had been the highlight of his whole damned life—but now wasn't the right time to tell her all that. "Okay, let's go."

  "We should take the flashlight."

  He'd forgotten all about the flashlight. Between Zoe and Bigfoot, his brain was mush. "Where is it?"

  "I left it in the living room." She started down the hall. Then she turned, her voice hushed. "Are we going out the front or back?"

  "Out the back. It's closer to—"

  A long-drawn-out howl cut him off. The hairs on the back of his neck stood at attention. Sasquatch was definitely still in the neighborhood.

  Zoe clutched his arm. "Omigod. This is so scary."

  "You should stay here." He gently removed her hand and headed toward the living room.

  "No way." She hurried after him. "I'm not letting you get eaten by Bigfoot."

  "They don't eat people." He scanned the shadowy living room, hoping to see the flashlight.

  "No one you know about. I mean, nobody's ever done a dissection of one, right? People disappear. You don't know what you might find in Bigfoot's tummy. Jimmy Hoffa maybe."

  "I don't see the flashlight."

  "Right here." She picked it up from the end table. "I'll be in charge of it." She started toward the kitchen.

  "Wait. Let me have that. You stay inside. You can lock the door after me."

  "Nope. My flashlight. You gave it to me."

  "Zoe, there's no reason for you to go out there. You don't have a lifelong dream of sighting Bigfoot."

  She unlocked the back door. "You shouldn't go looking for Bigfoot by yourself. You need me."

  Well, he did, but not for chasing after Bigfoot. "I'll be fine."

  "No, you won't. What if you lose your glasses?"

  "I won't lose them."

  She turned, blocking the doorway. "Answer me this. Have you ever had a Bigfoot sighting before?"

  "No."

  "Then you have no idea what will happen. You don't know if you'll end up running away, or jumping in surprise, or what. You don't have a leash for those glasses, so losing them is not out of the question."

  He couldn't help grinning.

  "Are you laughing at me? I can't see your face too well, but I thought I saw the flash of your pearly whites."

  He had such an urge to kiss her, but he controlled it. "Zoe, that was one of the finest nerd speeches I've ever heard. You attacked the problem with pure logic. I think you're getting the idea."

  "Glad to hear it. And now that I've passed that test, I'm also going with you and I'm keeping this flashlight."

  "But you're scared."

  "I'm scared, but I'm going. I am Plucky Girl."

  Yep, the votes were in and the tally was confirmed. Flynn loved Zoe. "Don't turn the flashlight on yet, okay? I want to try and go out there undetected."

  "I think undetected is great. I wouldn't mind being permanently undetected."

  "Good. Me, either. I just want a good look. I don't have to have an encounter."

  She nodded. "Agreed. So, I won't turn on the flashlight unless absolutely necessary, like when Bigfoot is running straight toward us and we have to blind him with it to give us that crucial five seconds to get away. And if that doesn't work, I'll throw it at him, and maybe he'll be intrigued because it's an itty-bitty version of—"

  "Zoe."

  "What?"

  "You're babbling."

  "Right." She took a deep breath. "Let's go." Opening the door slowly, she peered out. "Do you see anything?" she murmured. "Because I don't see anything."

  "I can't see anything because you're still blocking the door."

  "Oh." She edged out onto the small cement stoop, but she kept her hand on the doorknob.

  "Maybe you should come back inside. I can tell you're very frightened."

  "No, I'm good."

  "Then you'll have to move away from the door. I can't get out."

  "Sure." Keeping hold of the doorknob, she inched a little farther out onto the stoop, but she was still blocking his way with her outstretched arm.

  "You'll have to let go of the door."

  "Okay. I'll—" A shriek from the woods sent her hurtling back inside. Something clattered to the cement as she almost knocked him over trying to shut the door.

  Flynn sighed. "This is silly. Just let me go by myself."

  "No. I'm going now." She threw back her shoulders and opened the door wide. "And I won't hold on to the door this time. And I'm staying out there, no matter what awful noises that thing makes."

  "What fell a minute ago?"

  "The flashlight. I'm sure it's fine."

  Flynn wasn't so sure. It was a novelty flashlight to begin with, not a heavy-duty kind that could take some hard knocks. But he wasn't going out with a butane lighter, not this time. At least the moon was bright.

  He stepped out onto the stoop. Zoe was already standing below him holding the flashlight.

  "Come here," she murmured.

  He tried to see what she might be looking at, but nothing seemed to be moving in the shadows of the forest. He took the steps slowly, not wanting to accidentally trip and make extra noise. The wind had picked up, though, which should help disguise any sounds they made. But it would be harder to hear Sasquatch, too.

  Standing next to Zoe, he leaned down so he wouldn't have to raise his voice to be heard. "Did you see something?"

  "No." She moved so that she was facing him. "Put your arms around me."

  He should have known she'd start to freak out the minute he closed the door. Maybe he'd have to resign himself to not seeing Bigfoot after all. She wouldn't let him go alone, but she was too scared to go with him. With a sigh he wrapped his arms around her.

  "Good. Now hold on a minute while I shove the flashlight up under my sweatshirt."

  "While you do what?'

  "Flynn, pipe down. I need to test the flashlight. I'm putting it right between my boobs, so they'll shield the light from the side. Hunch your shoulders over mine so you can block it from the top. I'll see if any light comes up from my shirt."

  He groaned.

  "What's wrong?"

  "Now I'm thinking about you with a flashlight tucked in your cleavage. Do you have any idea how suggestive that is?"

  "I didn't look at it that way, but maybe you have a one-track mind."

  "I wouldn't be surprised."

  "I guess that means you've also heard of a game called hide the flashlight. I wondered if it was a universal kid's code for sex."

  "I've heard of it, and thanks to that association, I'm getting hard. Happy now?"

  She pressed her mouth against his shoulder to muffle her laughter.

  "Zoe, turn the damned thing on, okay?"

  She cleared her throat. "Sorry
. I didn't mean to turn you on at the same time. At least I'm not so scared now. Whoops, this will take two hands. I forgot you have to swivel his feet."

  So maybe it didn't matter if he never saw Bigfoot. He would always have the memory of standing in the dark holding on to Zoe while she played with a flashlight under her shirt. Not every guy could say that.

  "Ah. Einstein's hair lights up. We're in business. You can let me go now."

  "Maybe I don't want to."

  "Yes, you do." She pulled the flashlight out and stroked it over the bulge in his pants. "After we find Bigfoot, we can go inside and have after-the-Bigfoot-sighting sex. All that adrenaline has to go somewhere. We might as well use it to boink our brains out."

  "To hell with Bigfoot." He slipped both hands up the back of her sweatshirt. "Let's go insi—"

  "Nope." She pushed him away. "We're doing this, Flynn. You'll regret it for the rest of your life if you don't."

  An earsplitting shriek made them both jump.

  Zoe gulped. "Wh-where do you think that came from?"

  "Over there." Flynn pointed into the dark woods.

  "Then that's where we're headed." Clutching the flashlight in both hands, Zoe started off.

  Flynn had to hand it to her. That shriek had made him think twice about tracking down Sasquatch. Fortunately, it had also taken care of his erection problem. Heart racing, he caught up with Zoe as she walked bravely into the forest.

  * * *

  Zoe didn't know what the hell she was doing, charging off after some fourteen-foot monster she didn't want to find. This was so not her style. She didn't like monsters and things that went bump in the night, which was why she'd turned down every single horror role that had come her way.

  She didn't belong here. She belonged in her beach house surrounded by all the luxuries and a state-of-the-art alarm system. But whenever she tried to imagine Flynn going into the woods without her, she got a really bad feeling in her tummy.

  Could be she was falling for him. That would explain this irresistible urge to make sure nothing happened to his nerdy, Sasquatch-loving self. She wasn't quite sure where to put this new emotion that might be love, though.

  Concepts such as marriage and babies were popping up in her brain, and she didn't know what to do about that, either. She'd assumed that those things would eventually become part of her life, but not now, for heaven's sake, when she needed to pour all her energy into getting this breakout role. Later, after she'd nailed the role and won a Golden Globe—that would be time enough to think about settling down with someone.

  Unfortunately, the only someone she could imagine settling down with was currently walking beside her through the forest, pine needles crunching under his shoes. He had a girlfriend to deal with, and even if that got straightened out, he might not have any interest in a long-term relationship with a movie star. He liked an ordered existence, and her life was anything but.

  "There." He put out a hand to stop her progress.

  Immediately her thoughts stalled and the hum of her fight-or-flight mechanism buzzed in her ears. The smell, she realized, had gotten worse. She swallowed. "I don't see anything."

  "In that small clearing."

  "Where?" She had to strain to hear him over the wind in the trees. She prayed he was imagining things.

  "Through there, in that small clearing. About a hundred yards away. Sitting on a log."

  Peering into the darkness, she saw an area where the trees gave way and moonlight spilled down like a spotlight. On the edge of that space was a shadow darker than the surrounding tree trunks. As she focused on that shadow, which did seem to be sitting on something, the shadow moved.

  She stopped breathing. This whole episode felt like a bad dream, but the cool night air on her face told her it was real. "You're sure it's not a bear?" ;

  "Yeah."

  She didn't question that. Flynn knew his Sasquatches. "Why didn't it hear us?"

  "The wind. It's blowing toward us, too, which is why it didn't smell us, but we can smell it."

  "No kidding. This is a perfect place for a Glade stickup."

  "I want to get a little closer."

  Hadn't she just known that would happen? And if he was going closer, so was she. Love was not only blind, apparently, but terminally stupid, too. "First we should name him. Like we did George, the mouse."

  "Okay. What?"

  She pondered that a moment. Then she pondered another moment. Pondering meant they weren't moving closer yet, which was a good thing. But finally she couldn't stall anymore. "I think... Stanley."

  "Stanley?"

  "Nobody's afraid of a guy named Stanley." "Then Stanley it is. Let's go." Flynn started through the trees.

  She followed, both hands on the flashlight and one gripping its feet in case she had to switch it on in a hurry. She tried to move silently, but the pine needles crunching under her shoes sounded like someone breaking up pieces of Styrofoam and she was breathing like an asthmatic. Sheesh. She kept trying to think of the monster as Stanley, but it wasn't as much comfort as she would have liked.

  Flynn cut the distance in half. Then he stopped.

  Zoe stood there trembling. Now that they were within fifty yards, she had no doubt that the creature in the clearing was something she'd never seen before except in her nightmares. Huge and hairy, it nevertheless had a humanoid quality about it, sort of like a Neanderthal on steroids.

  Flynn reached for her, drawing her into the circle of his arm. "It's Sasquatch," he said, his voice quivering with excitement.

  Stanley. But she didn't say the name out loud. She didn't want to risk the slightest sound carrying across to the clearing. The stench was so bad she longed to cover her nose, but she was afraid to make any movements that might give them away, so she breathed through her mouth as quietly as panic would allow.

  One good thing—the smell was coming at them, because the wind was blowing in their direction. The wind was her friend right now, and she'd put up with the horrendous odor.

  Then the wind died. The creature stood and sniffed the air. As Zoe stood paralyzed, it turned and looked in their direction.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  The Sasquatch knew they were there! Flynn had no idea what would happen next, whether it would come to investigate or run away. He wasn't sure which he wanted to happen, either. In spite of all his assurances to Zoe, he couldn't guarantee that Bigfoot was harmless.

  Zoe. In his excitement he'd nearly forgotten about her, but he was painfully reminded as her fingernails dug into his arm. From the corner of his eye he could see that in her other hand she wielded the flashlight like a club. It wouldn't be much protection. And neither would he, really.

  She was obviously terrified, and for her sake they should get out of here. Yet neither of them could run 35 miles an hour. If Bigfoot decided to chase them... Flynn seriously regretted putting Zoe in harm's way.

  The creature took a step in their direction.

  Zoe moaned softly.

  Sasquatch hesitated, then took another step toward them.

  Flynn came to a decision. "Let's go." Grabbing her hand, he clapped his free hand over his shirt pocket to keep his PDA from falling out. Then he took off running. That's when he discovered something he'd known as a kid and forgotten as an adult. Running away from the scary thing only makes you more scared.

  But he wasn't about to turn around now. He doubted Zoe would let him anyway. Because of all the racket they were creating as they tore through the forest, he couldn't tell whether Sasquatch was following them or not. He imagined he heard the creature's labored breathing, but then he realized it was not Sasquatch doing all the heavy lung work. It was him.

  Not knowing whether they were being chased increased his panic. But he couldn't look back. If he did, they'd lose time, and if Sasquatch was on their tail, they couldn't afford to lose even a second. So he continued to dash toward the cabin clutching Zoe's hand as they both smacked against low-hanging branches and tripped over roots. />
  By the time they reached the cement steps leading up to the back door, Flynn's lungs burned. He shoved Zoe up first. She fumbled with the doorknob and finally pushed the door open so hard she nearly fell down. Flynn barreled in after her and slammed the door shut. He also locked it, although a creature that large wouldn't be stopped with a flimsy lock.

  Then he listened as best he could, considering that his breath rattled in his throat louder than a street rod at an intersection. "I don't... hear anything," he said. His panic began to ebb.

  "Me ... either." Zoe had collapsed into a sitting position on the floor. "Thank God."

  From a distance came a mournful howl.

  The faintness of the howl told Flynn that Bigfoot was moving away from them, not toward them. Unexpectedly, he felt sad about that. "He didn't follow us. But he sounds so lonesome."

  "Good! Lonesome is excellent! That means he's not camped on our front porch hoping for an invite!"

  "Maybe... maybe he was trying to communicate with us. And instead of responding, we ran away."

  "I'm sure Stanley gets that a lot." Still gripping the flashlight, Zoe got unsteadily to her feet. "I mean, he's very scary and he has no sense of personal hygiene. That's bound to put people off."

  Flynn kept picturing Sasquatch sitting alone in the small clearing. "If I were going to stay here, I'd try to make contact."

  Zoe came over and laid her hand on his chest. "You don't have to feel sorry for Stanley. He has relatives. He has a family. Remember what Margo said? She's seen a female and a baby Bigfoot."

  "Yeah, she did say that." Flynn wasn't ready to trust anything that Margo claimed, though. She was using Bigfoot for personal glory. Flynn would never do that.

  The howl came again, even fainter this time.

  "See, I'll bet Stanley's going home now," Zoe said. "He probably had a little spat with Mrs. Stanley. He couldn't very well walk into the local bar and have a beer, so he spent some time in that clearing, thinking things over."

  Flynn smiled. "He did look like he was doing exactly that."

  "He certainly did. Now he's back home with the missus. And they're having Sasquatch makeup sex." She shuddered. "Although the idea of sex with a body that smelly is extremely revolting."