Save Me_Yours Truly, Razberry Sweet

by Megan Linski

  “I thought you hated those trashy rags,” I say.

  “Know thine enemy,” she states. She begins studying it like it’s the Bible itself.

  I don’t know what’s up with her lately, but Puppy seems… different.

  Or at least, like she’s trying to be.

  From above, the cars and towns look like toys. “Goodbye Limesville,” I whisper. “Hello Easy Street.”

  “In your dreams,” Puppy teases, and she shakes her head.

  “You watch, I’ll see my name in lights by the time we leave. I know it.”

  Puppy makes a sarcastic noise and flips a page of her magazine with a snap.

  I don’t care if she thinks I’m being stupid. I have to believe in the fantasy. In the dream.

  The first thing I notice as we step off the plane is that it’s warmer… a lot warmer. When we emerge out of the airport I see palm trees, tall buildings and concrete.

  The second thing I notice is that it’s not exactly what I had in mind.

  “Where is everything?” I ask, confused. What I’m looking at all around me is what looks like a standard city… skyscrapers, the occasional McDonalds… nothing really mind blowing.

  “What did you expect, celebrities walking everywhere?” Puppy asks sarcastically. “We’re in the outermost parts of LA. We’ve still got an hour drive to Hollywood.”

  There’s a car and driver waiting for us, paid for already by the scholarship. I look around me in appreciation. It’s no Limesville (and I have to thank God for that) but… it’s not exactly like what I expected LA to look.

  The car passes through a horribly dilapidated area… papers lay scattered everywhere among burnt and abandoned buildings, and trash lies along the dirty gutters in the streets.

  “Not exactly what you had in mind, is it?” Puppy says. She takes the sunglasses off of my head and puts them on, enjoying my shocked expression. “Hollywood is just a district of LA, you know.”

  “The traffic is awful here,” I complain as yet another guy in an eco-friendly car cuts the car off. “And these people have no idea how to drive!” Even though it’s late, it’s still rush hour traffic, and cars are packed into the road tighter than bricks.

  We reach our hotel, an Italian themed five story named The Glamour, after dark.

  “California is too crowded,” Puppy says. She collapses onto the couch of the two bedroom suite with exhaustion. Our room is pretty nice, but nothing elaborate; no golden tubs or grand pianos.

  “I agree with you,” I say. Now that we’re in the innermost district, the city that I had in my head is a bit closer to the city that’s right in front of me, but not by much. “This is more like it.”

  Even though we could only afford a hotel on the outskirts of Hollywood, I can still see all the icons from up here… the Kodak Theater, the Chinese Theater, and even the Hollywood sign.

  “Look over there, it’s Beverly Hills! That’s where I’ll be someday!”

  “Unless you have a private jet fly me to your house, I’m not coming to visit,” Puppy jokes.

  She walks into her room, and something hits me… Puppy and I have a week all to ourselves. A week where there’s no drama, and nobody bothers us with stupid shit.

  Maybe this week I’ll finally work up the courage to ask her out.

  I walk out on the balcony and take a long, deep breath. The air smells like musty gas and black smoke. It’s nothing like the fresh air on the farm.

  Instead of silence ,there are car horns blasting constantly. Lights project into the sky, and music is rising from somewhere in the distance.

  Satisfied, but still a little confused, I pitch my bag onto the floor and head to bed.

  Is this really all there is?

  Chapter 6 - How Can You Overlook Me, Razberry Sweet?

  The next morning, Puppy meets me downstairs in the lobby with a devilish smile on her face. We’re sleeping in separate rooms… it was kind of lonely last night without her there with me, but for some reason, she didn’t want to hang out late last night.

  She didn’t tell me why.

  “What are you so happy about?” I ask. For once, she seems more positive than I am.

  “Somebody got me a got a free salon visit to Lily’s, the spa downstairs,” she babbles. “It’ll be my first spa visit ever.”

  “So go, then,” I say, and I lean against the wall.

  “Here’s the thing though...” she says. This is where her eyes get bigger. “I don’t have anybody to go with, and the certificate is for two people. So I was thinking…”

  I shake my head. “Absolutely not. Positively no way.”

  “Oh come on!” she exclaims. “You’re my best friend. It’s practically required for you to come with me on a spa day!”

  “I’m not a girl. No.”

  “You know in Hollywood they judge you based on your looks. You have to look perfect,” she argues.

  There’s no counterargument, but I still don’t want to sacrifice my masculinity by getting my nails done, or whatever Puppy plans to have them do to me once she drags me in there.

  “What’s with you being all girly lately?” I ask.

  “Is it a crime to want to be pretty for once, instead of looking like a boy?” she says. Her face turns red.

  “Well, you never cared before.”

  “I do now.”

  “We’re supposed to be looking at auditions, remember?” I say. I’m a little irritated— I want to spend the little time I have here getting experience, not goofing off. To me, this isn’t a vacation.

  “You really want to go looking like that?” Puppy gestures to me. “I know I need a makeover before I walk into any auditions.”

  “What’s wrong with the way I look?” Suddenly, I’m very self conscious.

  “Come on, Raz. I don’t want to go by myself. Please….”

  Damn those puppy eyes. I can’t resist em. “I’ll go if nobody sees me in there,” I say, finally breaking.

  “It’s Hollywood, nobody’s gonna care if you do. Boys go into salons all the time,” she says, and she waves it off.

  “Okay, okay,” I grumble. “Lead on.”

  I follow her to the salon. I figure the earlier I head in there, the better chance I’ll go unnoticed. It’s nine in the morning here, and so far the time zone change hasn’t hit me yet.

  “Why is this free?” I say.

  “I have no idea. I just woke up, and this coupon for a free visit was shoved under my door.” Puppy shrugs.

  I let my protests die as Puppy makes a left turn, stops at a thick wooden door, and opens it.

  By the door is a glass counter. There are three girls gossiping eagerly by it, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

  “Hello,” the blonde says. “Welcome to Lily’s. How can we help you?”

  “I have a coupon for me and my friend here,” Puppy says, and she lays the paper on the counter.

  All three girls lean over simultaneously to read the slip. Once they do, they start giggling.

  “What?” Puppy says, looking to me and back at them.

  “Mr.Mayhem paid for it,” the brunette babbles, smiling from ear to ear. “He gives free visits to the spa for people he likes.”

  “That’s sort of creepy,” Puppy says, and her eyes narrow. “You know, you can keep the coupon…”

  “No, it’s not like that,” the redhead cuts in. “He’s a director. Before he owned this hotel he produced tons of films. When he sees somebody who he thinks has talent, he will sort of… take them under his wing.”

  “He did it with Fiona Degarlo and Ingrid Ingalls,” the blonde bubbles.“And look where they are now.”

  My eyes widen. Those are major Hollywood actresses. “Degarlo? Ingalls? Are you sure?”

  “We were here the day both of them walked in four years ago, weren’t we, girls?” the blonde says. Her sisters nod. “They had no idea what was coming. They were just looking for a place to stop for the night on a college trip.”

  “They d
idn’t need college when Mr. Mayhem got done teaching them! What are they now, billionaires?” the redhead bursts, and they all laugh.

  “Will we ever get to meet him to… you know… thank him?” Puppy asks tentatively.

  “He keeps himself pretty secluded these days. The paparazzi are termites,” the brunette says. “But he’ll probably show himself to you eventually. After all, when Mr.Mayhem sees talent, he sees talent.”

  Hmph. I wonder why this Mr.Mayhem picked Puppy and not me. But then again, I’m a guy, right? Maybe a spa package wasn’t the best way to reach out for me. Maybe there’s something else coming.

  Puppy holds her breath and says, “That’s… great. So what would you suggest?”

  “We’ll give you the whole package,” the brunette says. “Facial, pedi, mani, and hair treatment. Does that sound good?”

  “I’ll just get my hair cut,” I say, not feeling like playing along.

  “Oh, no!” the redhead says. “Your skin looks so parched, you simply MUST have a mask!”

  “And your cuticles look torn,” the brunette adds as she eyes my hands.“Not to mention your hair’s a little frizzed out.”

  “What’s wrong with it?” I protest. I run a hand through it awkwardly.

  All three of them look at each other like I’m some child who’s done something cute and doesn’t know it.

  “Just leave it to us, honey. We’re professionals,” the blonde says. “Hi, I’m Myra.”

  “Maddie,” the brunette throws out

  “And Monica!” the redheaded triplet exclaims. “Let’s get started!”

  I swear, they must be spray tan robots. Puppy smiles and says, “I’m Carmen, and this is Raz. He’s with me for the trip.”

  Myra makes a cooing sound and says, “Raz, what an adorable name! We’ve never had a Raz before.”

  Maddie says, “Where are you from?”

  “Connecticut,” I say. “Practically the other side of the world compared to here, I bet.”

  “My cousin’s from Connecticut.” Maddie smiles before her face becomes confused. “Or is that Michigan? Oh, whatever. Just follow me.”

  Monica takes Puppy to get her hair done while Maddie and Myra drag me away to a sink meant for washing hair. They start buzzing around like I’m their tiny dog at the groomer’s. They put a fluffy robe on me and and drape a cheetah print (oh WHY) covering around my neck.

  “Use the softener, it’ll be lovely,” Myra tells Maddie.

  “Not too much, or it’ll take out those beautiful natural blond highlights. Fabulous,” Maddie beams. “Now close your eyes and lean back your head. This won’t hurt.”

  I do as she says and they begin washing my hair with warm water, using shampoo that I’m sure costs at least fifty dollars a bottle.

  “So, Raz, why are you here?” Maddie asks.

  “Why is anybody here? To get famous,” I say. I flinch as the water gets in my face.

  “We’re here because we like making people feel pretty,” Maddie says as she scrubs. “What about your girlfriend?”

  “She’s not my girlfriend… at least, not yet,” I say quickly, and both of them ooh. “I want her to be, though.”

  “Do you think she likes you?”

  “Look, he’s blushing!” Myra points out. Both girls squeal.

  I swallow. “I hope so.”

  “You’re cute enough. Sit up. Just wrap this towel around your head for now.” Myra says, doing it for me.

  Does the humiliation never end? But there seems to be no arguing with these women, so I just go with it. They’re having so much fun that I don’t see the point in ruining it.

  They take me to another room. They push me into a massage chair and start mixing up some green gunk in a bowl.

  I feel like their doll.

  A small tub by my feet fills with hot water, bubbling and concocting. I play with the different buttons on the chair. Puppy comes in, her hair wrapped in different bits of foil.

  “I feel like I could contact the mothership,” she complains as she takes the massage chair next to me.

  “You look pretty even with your hair all weird,” I say. The triplets aww. Puppy bites her lip and turns away.

  “It’s wonderful having guy friends who can see you getting ready,” Monica says. She swirls around what looks like a paintbrush in the goopy green gunk.

  “Does this have to go on my face?” I whine.

  “Trust us.” Monica spreads the goop all over my face. I hold the rest of my protests in.

  As she does so, a growl emerges from my stomach.

  “Smells like oatmeal and honey,” I say. “Could you eat this?”

  “Why do men always think of their stomachs?” Myra sighs, then spreads the weird stuff on Puppy’s face, too.

  “You could, but I don’t think you’d like it.” Monica slaps the stuff on, layer after layer, until I’m sure that she’s used about a quart of nasty glop.

  “Wait fifteen minutes, then we’ll wash it off. Since you don’t want any nail polish, we can just clean up your hands and feet and you’ll be done.” Monica pauses, her hands on her hips. “You don’t want any polish, right?”

  “No. Just a hand— cleaning.” I say awkwardly, thanking the Lord above I caught myself before I said the word job.

  “This is so much fun. We’ve never had a guy in here!” Myra says.

  “I can’t move my face,” I mutter. I feel like my cheeks are cast in stone.

  About fifteen minutes later, feeling more ridiculous than I’d planned, I wait out in the lobby for Puppy to finish.

  I have to admit, though… the girls did a good job. I feel great. Maybe girls are right all along about this spa thing.

  The door opens beside me. A hearty voice cries out, “Ring, ring! Hello girls, I’m here!”

  It’s a very tall man, late fifties or so, with short gray hair and a goatee. He’s wearing a suit, and seems… professional. Like his very presence commands the room.

  “Ferio!” I hear all three women scream at once. The triplets come bustling out of the back room, squealing and cheering as they tackle the tall man.

  “Easy, girls, I haven’t been gone forever.” He laughs as he embraces them.

  “A month long trip to Egypt is long enough, and you were gone two weeks longer than you said you would be!” Myra says as she draws her face out of Ferio’s shoulder.

  “You know how Mr. Mayhem is, he’s a very spiritual man. I couldn’t drag him away from the pyramids.” He chuckles.

  “Raz, this is Ferio Giuseppe, he’s one of the managers of this hotel,” Monica informs me, her eyes cheery and bright.

  “Nice to meet you,” I say, offering my hand.

  “I work for Mr. Mayhem,” he says as he returns the handshake. I notice it’s firm, but not so firm it crushes my hand. “I’m sort of his go-to guy, if you will. His public figure when he’s not around.”

  “He doesn’t like the publicity?” I ask.

  “He’s very busy.” Ferio turns to Maddie and says, “So, who is this young fellow?”

  “This is Raz. He’s new,” Maddie informs him.

  “I’m here for the auditions,” I add.

  “Trying to be a celebrity, are you?” He smiles. “Let me assure you it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.”

  I smile back, too, just to humor him. I can’t mess this up; this guy has connections. I need to make a good first impression. “Are you a big part of the movie business?”

  “You could say that.” His phone rings. He takes it out of his pocket, saying, “Excuse me. I have to take this.”

  As Ferio walks out of the salon, Maddie shakes her head and says, “That man. He’s always got something going on. He hardly ever stops working.”

  “But he enjoys it. He thinks it’s fun,” Monica adds.

  A door slowly opens and closes behind us. “How do I look?”

  All four of us turn to see Puppy come out of the back room. She’s got makeup on, her skin is glowing, and her hair b
ounces in beautiful curls. I’m breathless.

  “What do you think?” Puppy asks.

  I swallow as all the girls give me a knowing smile. “You look… fantastic.”

  Puppy glows on the spot. “Thank you.” She turns to Monica. “Do we owe you a tip or anything?”

  “Oh no, it was our pleasure.” She waves it off.

  “Yeah, no biggie,” Myra quips. “It was just a two-thousand dollar treatment.”

  I almost choke.

  Puppy gives a weak smile. “Well uh… thanks. We’ll stop in to see you sometime.”

  “It’s finally set.” Ferio says. He’s returned from the lobby. “I won’t have long, girls, before I’ll be leaving.”

  “You’ll be gone again?” Maddie whines. “But we’ll miss you so much.”

  “You know that I’ve been wanting to do this for awhile,” he says with a teasing tone. “I’ve wanted to renovate that old warehouse on the coast for a long time now.”

  Myra drops her head. “Kay.”

  “Now, now, don’t fret!” he says. He holds a finger to Myra’s chin and lifts it gently. “I’ll still be here to walk you down the aisle.”

  “Yay!” Myra cheers. For the first time, I notice there’s a huge diamond engagement ring on her finger. “I love you, Ferio!”

  “I love you too, darling,” he says, chuckling.

  His attention turns to Puppy, and he asks, “Who is this young lady?”

  “Carmen, sir. Carmen Diaga,” Puppy says in a friendly, yet suck-upish kind of tone that I’ve never heard her use before.

  It’s kinda weird coming from her.

  “Ah yes, Mr. Mayhem has told me about you,” he says with a twinkle in his eye. “Why don’t you meet me before dinner, five or so, down in The Glamour’s restaurant for a treat? I’m sure I have some tips that would be useful to you in your auditions.”

  “Oh, uh, sure!” she accepts eagerly.

  He must have seen the sour look on my face. Turning from her, Ferio adds, “You are more than welcome to come as well.”

  “No thanks,” I say, feeling miffed. “I, uh… will be busy.”

  “Understandable.” He checks his watch. “I have some things that are going unattended. I must leave you now. I’ll take you out tomorrow, girls, and you two, enjoy The Glamour!”