by Megan Linski
For a minute she looks like she’s about to apologize too. But when she opens her mouth, the only words that escape are, “Get out.”
I can’t move. “Puppy—“
“Don’t call me that! I’m not a dog! Get out!” She throws her phone at me. It shatters on the wall beside me as I make for the door.
“And by the way,” she says, leaning out the doorframe as I enter the hallway. “I’m not going back with you. I lied about being considered for a commercial. The first audition we went to? I got the lead.”
“What?” I whisper. I don’t whisper that— the deepest, most aching part of my soul does.
“Yeah. How does it feel knowing I got a part in a big production, and you’re still just a loser?” she laughs again. “Mr. Mayhem was the one who got me in. I signed the contract with the producer yesterday. I won’t be coming back to Limesville, ever. I’m done with that small town, and I’m done with you. Don’t ever talk to me again, Razberry, and have a nice life.”
She slams the door in my face. My whole world seems to topple out from under me. Each beat of my heart feels like a knife sinking into my chest.
Don’t ever talk to me again.
I fall to my knees right in the middle of the hallway and start bawling like a baby. I don’t care if anybody sees me. At this moment, I don’t really care if I live or die.
I’m done with it all, I think to myself. The auditions, my friends, this whole Hollywood thing, everything.
All by myself in this small hallway, it feels like the very universe has ended… like my dreams and my hopes mean nothing anymore.
As if on autopilot, my body gets up off the floor and walks out of the hotel. I wander the city streets of LA until I come to an abandoned church in a dark ghetto.
I push open the door and stumble into a dirty pew. I look up at a statue of Jesus that’s drilled to the wall.
“I’ve always believed in you,” I whisper as tears pour down my face. “Always. I’ve always known you were real, loved you because I felt you were alive. Now why don’t you love me?”
I dissolve into a fit of sobbing. “You let me get abused all my life, by not only my friends, but by my parents, too, and you let Cayman rape me. Now, when I’m finally happy, you let Puppy walk out of my life.”
I wipe my face and stare up at the statue. “The question I have is why? Why are you putting me through so much pain? Why can’t it just be over with?”
I put my forehead on the pew in front of me and sob loudly. I don’t give a shit who sees. “I’m tired of this! Why do you hate me so much? Why are you doing this? There has to be a reason for all this pain! Please tell me my suffering isn’t for nothing!”
I receive no answer.
Only silence.
“The stupid thing is that I still believe in you,” I whisper. “Even through all the shit, even through all the terrible things that’ve happened, I still need you. No matter what. Just please... tell me what to do.”
I receive no response, no miracle from the sky. But something does pop into my head. A name.
There’s only one person in the world who can possibly help me right now. I take the phone out of my pocket and dial the number I now know by heart.
“Hey there, Razberry, what’s… Raz? Raz, what’s wrong?” Maymee’s frightened at the sound of me crying.
“Maymee, everything’s terrible,” I babble. I take a deep gasp. “Puppy... dumped me and… and I don’t... I can’t...”
“Raz, I can’t understand anything you’re saying. Where are you?”
“I... I don’t know. It’s dark, and I’m in a church, and I don’t know where I am.”
I look around me in absolute terror. “I... I have no idea where I am. I have no idea who I am.”
“Hold on. I’ll come find you. Just tell me what happened.”
Chapter 11 - Goodbyes Can Be New Beginnings
Ten minutes later Maymee gets out of a limo at the church. She finds me rocking back and forth in a pew and having a complete meltdown.
I’m confused as hell as to how she found me, or where she got the limo, but I don’t ask questions as she escorts me outside. I want to run away... I need to get away.
“Scarlet Moon Ranch,” Maymee tells the driver as she climbs in after me. “Quickly, please.”
She turns to me, but I don’t look at her. I’m looking out the window. “
“It’s a dumb question, but how are you?” she asks.
“I’m fine,” I say, although my voice is choked up and my face is all puffy. It’s amazing that after all this time, my tears haven’t stopped and I’ve only managed to feel worse.
She moves closer. I put my head on her shoulder. She grabs my hand.I hold it tightly, like she’s all I’ve got left in the world.
We go to the highway and drive and drive until we’re out of the damn town that ripped my life apart and into the wide open desert. The darkness has littered thousands upon thousands of stars across the black night. In the distance I see canyons and red rocks, rolling prairie grasses and cacti.
The drive takes about an hour. We turn down a long gravel driveway. There’s a gigantic log cabin surrounded by miles and miles of wooden fencing. In the distance, a stable that has to hold about a hundred horses looms.
I’m getting really tired of seeing all these fancy houses.
“This is my uncle’s limo,” Maymee tells me as we get out of the car. “My relatives live out here. They’re really rich, but my family never talks to them or borrows money from them because of an argument we all had years ago. Today I went to go visit them. It’s the first time I’ve seen them since I was six.”
“That’s nice of you,” I say listlessly.
“I’m welcome to stay any time I want. We can be here as long as we need.” She gets out of the car and leads me toward the barn.
“Somebody said something about the outside of a horse being good for the inside of a man. You need a lot of horse love right now,” she says.
A mix of wonderful horse-smell and hay hits me as we step inside. I’m reminded of Buddy, and I wish I could be home with him right now.
As sad as it is to admit, I really miss Limesville.
Maymee goes to the first stall and grabs a bridle. I look between the stall bars to see her tack up a dun gelding.
“This is Cowboy,” Maymee says. She pats the dun horse fondly. “I rode him earlier.”
“I didn’t know you could ride,” I say.
“I rode all the time, before my dad lost the farm. Before we lost everything.”
She leads Cowboy out of the stables and into the wicked night. Horses whinny a goodbye as we leave, and Maymee says, “Get on. You can steer, I’ll hold on in back.”
She lets me hop on first, then swings her leg over Cowboy’s back and grabs on behind me. “Take us out into the open plains,” she whispers in my ear.
I do so, turning that way by putting a leg on Cowboy. He responds automatically and starts walking toward the long gravel driveway. Gravel turns to desert. I look out at the shadows of the canyons in the distance. Soon, sand becomes prairie grass. All that I can fathom of the earth is night, and a lone coyote howling in the distance.
“You wanna run?” Maymee asks.
I nod. With all this open space, it would be silly not to. I don’t tell Maymee that I’ve never went faster than a canter before.
“Okay then. Cowboy, shh, shh, hi ya!”
Cowboy surges into a gallop at her word. I do nothing except hold onto his mane and try not to fall off. Maymee has her arms around me. Her hair ripples behind her as we tear across the sky.
As we gallop, my mind starts to wander. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could just rise up into the universe and be stuck there forever? If Maymee and I never went back to Limesville or Hollywood?
What would it be like if we were completely free?
The coyote howls again. The cold wind is scraping across my face and it makes me feel alive, rather than dead...
“Easy,”
Maymee tells Cowboy, and he goes from a gallop to a walk. Even though I’ve got the reins, Maymee is in full control of this animal.
She slips off of his back. I do so also. Around here, there are no buildings or shining lights. Maymee has led us to the middle of nowhere.
“Here.” Maymee slips off Cowboy’s bridle, drops it on the ground, and sits on the sparse desert sand. The horse goes off to graze. I sit beside her and gaze at the stars.
Maymee runs her hands along the dirt. “This is our inheritance, Raz,” she whispers. “Those mountains in the distance, the sweet air we’re breathing… this whole earth is ours.”
She lays down. I copy her, stretching out my legs beside hers.
She reaches up her hand and says, “You know, if I pretend hard enough I can imagine I’m holding the stars. Nobody’s ever done this with me before. Looked at the sky.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I wanted to share this with you.” She turns on her side to look at me. “You’re beautiful. You know that, Raz?”
“No. I’m a fake.” I give her a twisted, unhappy smile. “I’ve got secrets just like everyone else.”
“I don’t see you like that, Raz,” she says. “What does it matter what you’ve done? It makes no difference to me. Raz, to me, you’re God’s most beautiful creation.”
“I’m used goods,” I say thickly. “I’m so screwed up not even my friends want me anymore.”
“I want you.”
“When I told you that I could’ve caught an STD I wasn’t being fully honest. I was raped.”
The confession comes out. I’m so mixed up I don’t know how to feel about it.
Her eyes soften, but she doesn’t freak out. Not like Puppy did. “Was it here?”
“No. It was almost a year ago.”
“What happened?”
“One of the school bullies at Tinyork did it. He chased me into a warehouse, beat me up, and then...”
I start crying again. Maymee moves closer and puts an arm around me. “It happened there?” she asks.
“Yeah.”
She hugs me tighter. “It doesn’t make you any different.”
“Maymee, I’m not a virgin anymore. You don’t understand, I can’t give that away to anyone now. I can’t lose it to anyone I love. Hell, I can’t even have sex and enjoy it. Not without a breakdown.” I swallow. My throat’s swelling up again.
“It wasn’t your choice,” Maymee says. She takes my hand. “In my eyes, you’re a virgin.”
“Puppy wanted to have sex with me earlier,” I say. “She wanted to, and I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t.” I turn away from her and curl up on my side.
“That doesn’t make you weak. It just means you didn’t want to,” Maymee says.
“I’m a guy. Sex is all that’s supposed to be on my mind.”
“That’s just a stereotype. Guys like that are pigs. I know, I dated them. You just didn’t want to sleep with her. What’s wrong with that?”
“Maybe the rape messed me up permanently. Maybe I won’t be able to have sex with anyone… ever.” I take a quick breath. “Maybe I’m destined to be alone.”
“There’s no denying it really hurt you. But it doesn’t make you who you are. I still love you no matter what.”
I stay quiet. Maymee continues.
“You were my first true friend,” Maymee says. “You’ve been there for me even when your friends didn’t want me around. Do you honestly know how much that means to me?”
I turn back to face her. “I never really thought about it.” I sigh and look up at the stars once more. “This is so screwed up. I never should’ve gone on this trip. If I hadn’t of come Puppy would still be my best friend and everything would be fine. All because I had to chase my stupid dream of being an actor.” I snort. “I can’t act. I don’t know what I’m trying to prove.”
“Just because you’re not a movie star yet doesn’t mean you can’t act,” Maymee says. “You can be an actor in other ways. You’ve got great talent, Raz. Everyone sees it. What happened with your friends wasn’t your fault. Puppy made the choice to leave.”
“I broke up with her, sort of. We weren’t really dating, but it still felt like a breakup.”
“Yeah, but she didn’t exactly give you another option,” Maymee argues.
“She never would’ve left me in the first place if I hadn’t insisted on dragging her here. She changed.” I close my eyes. They’re burning.
“She was changing before we left. You saw it. She was still your friend, but she wasn’t the same. People can still be friends if they change, but they have to be willing to stay together.”
“I don’t know what happened.”
“I do.” Maymee traces an outline of the stars with her finger. “When senior year hits, I think everyone goes into shock. They think, ‘This is it. This is the start of the rest of my life.’ They start thinking about college and moving out and marriage and kids, and all of a sudden all that thinking changes them into somebody they never wanted to be… or, maybe, somebody they always were in the first place.”
“Who do you think I am?” I ask her.
She smiles at me. “I think you’re Razberry Sweet, and I’m Maymee Mason. And whatever happens, we’re gonna get through the rest of high school together. And whatever comes afterward.”
“You promise?”
“I promise. I won’t ever leave you. Ever since we started talking in detention, you’ve had me from day one. No matter what, you’re stuck with me.”
I smile back at her, and she smiles at me. I still feel terrible, and awful, and desperately heartbroken, but Maymee’s eyes sparkle just as much as the skies. As I look into them, I remember that I’m not the only one who’s had my heart ripped in two.
Maybe I’m lucky, I think as I gaze at her. Lucky to have someone like Maymee.
“You saved me tonight, Maymee. I was.. still am... in a bad place. I don’t know what I would do without you here.”
“I guess we’re even then. Back in detention, way back when, I was in a bad place too,” she admits. “You saved me.”
We stay out a little longer and look at the stars until we get too cold.
We don’t talk about Puppy, or my friends, or high school.
Once we’re back at the barn, Maymee takes the reins from me. “I’ll put Cowboy away. You go inside and make yourself at home. My uncle should still be up.”
“I can stay out here with you,” I insist.
“You’re freezing. My uncle won’t bite. I promise,” she smiles.
I don’t have the energy to argue. I walk over to the elaborate home and knock on the door once. I hear footsteps. The lock clicks as the door swings open.
And so does my jaw.
“Ferio?” I ask. “You’re Maymee’s uncle?”
He smiles at me. “A bit of a surprise, I know. Be my guest, please.”
He gestures me to come inside and I do so, looking around to what seems to be a well kept kitchen. “I didn’t know you lived out here,” I say.
“Occasionally. I travel too much to be home often. It’s really a shame.” He pauses. “Even living under an assumed name. The infamous Mr. Mayhem doesn’t get too much time to himself.”
“You’re Mr. Mayhem?” I say, shocked.
“Indeed.” He pours himself a glass of wine. “Would you like some? I can only imagine that it hasn’t been a fun night.”
“How’d you guess,” I mumble.
“I’ve been watching you from afar, in your auditions and over the course of the past year. Maymee showed me the movie you kids made. She talks quite a lot about you. You have an amazing talent,” Ferio says. “And a lot of passion. I’ve rarely seen such drive in someone your age. You truly love what you do.”
“Then why did you pick Puppy and not me?”
The question rings out loudly across the empty kitchen and bounces off the walls. All is still.
I turn back to him. His face is still, unflinching. “If I’m so
good and you knew I wanted to be an actor, why’d you pick her to do the movie? All this time, you’ve been guiding Puppy into the film industry instead of me, even though you knew I wanted to be an actor so badly. Why?”
He stares at me. “I picked both of you, but in different ways. When I saw you, Raz, I knew you needed a mentor. I knew you were destined for something greater than the rat race that takes place here.”
“But it’s what I want,” I say. “My whole life I’ve dreamed of coming here and becoming what Puppy is going to be. Why do you want to make her famous, and not me?”
“I saw the star quality in Puppy. She was born for fame, and she can deal with the loss of privacy that comes with it,” Ferio quips.
“It’s not even about being famous,” I say, and I turn on him. “You don’t know how good acting makes me feel, how slipping into another person’s shoes and playing a character just makes me feel alive.”
I close my eyes. “I’d be poor forever if I could act everyday. Even if I had to work an extra job and never got any credit for it, I’d still do it because I love it.”
I let my gaze drop to the floor. “I feel like it’s the only thing I know. Like I was made to do it.”
Ferio looks at me kindly. “I won’t deny that. You’ve got more drive and ability in this business than most celebrities I know. But just because you aren’t a movie star doesn’t mean you can’t be an actor. Your gift for acting has better use elsewhere.”
“You sound like Maymee,” I say.
“Maymee knows what she’s talking about. She knows that life isn’t what you see in the movies.” Ferio shrugs.
“What do you mean?” I say quickly.
“Maymee’s had a very long, hard life. Her hopes are bleak and fragile. But she knows you believe in something with all your heart. You would give your life to follow your dreams and your heart no matter the consequences. She’s never had something like that to believe in. Maybe for the first time, she does.”
“What’s that?”
“You.”
I’m silent as I stare at Ferio, my mind completely blank.
“You love acting, Raz. You love scripts, movies, drama, theatre. You changed lives with that movie you made. More than that, I’ve read into your past. You know what it’s like to be in trouble with the law, to be bullied and picked on and to come out stronger for it.”