by Audra North
“Oh, so you’re a couple now?”
“Bob.”
“Okay, okay. I’m out. Enjoy the exhibit.” Bobby hi-fived Ryan, winked at me, and wandered off.
“He’s a character.” I grinned up at Ryan. “Now. Where were we?”
He laughed and dropped a kiss on my nose. “Want to go back to your room already?”
Reluctantly, I pulled away and shook my head. “Nah, I promised Alyssa that I would come. I at least want to see a few of their things, maybe say hello.”
“Cool. Let’s look, then.”
We started walking through the exhibit again. Across the room, I saw Tess, who worked here at Stone Cliff, too. She had made the incredible cake for the wedding I had waitressed at a few weeks before. I waved to her, and she smiled and waved back before Ryan tugged me forward to look the next photo.
We were standing there, side by side, when Ryan cleared his throat and said to the black-and-white picture, “I’m going to open the deposit box tomorrow.”
My jaw nearly dropped, and I turned to stare at him. He’d said a little bit about his mom leaving him a key to something, but he kept finding excuses not to open it. Every time I asked, he’d get squirrely and find a way to change the subject, so I’d stopped asking.
“Really?”
He nodded. “Yeah. I—it’s time.”
My heart swelled with pride. It had taken him a while, but I saw in that instant that, as the weeks had gone by, I’d seen him building up to it, even if he hadn’t realized it, himself.
“That’s really great, Ryan.” I put one hand on his chest, and the gesture reminded me of the first night we’d met, when I had finished crying on his lap and had meant to push him away, but ended up falling into him, instead.
Now, I just rested my palm over his heart, feeling the way it connected us together. Push and pull, inside and out.
He nodded. “Yeah. But honestly? I don’t really want to. Not like that. But I can’t put it off any longer.”
“What made you change your mind? You’ve been avoiding it for a while. Not—” I held up a hand when he opened his mouth as if to protest. “—that I’m criticizing. But every time I’ve tried to ask you, you change the subject.”
He looked sheepish at that. “Yeah. I’m sorry.” I shook my head, to say there was nothing to be sorry for, but he continued. “I know I haven’t told you much about it, but I think there’s something in the deposit box that might, I don’t know. Change things. I mean, change the way I remember my mom. Before she died, when she was so weak and could barely talk, she said there were things she should have told me, that she was sorry she hadn’t shared. And that I would know soon. I thought I’d find it when I cleaned out her room, but it wasn’t there. I know it’s in that deposit box. And I’m pretty sure it has to do with me and…” He trailed off, looking away, back at the photo in front of us.
He was scared.
I was certain that that was the reason, but he didn’t want to admit it out loud. And he still hadn’t told me what had made him change his mind, to get the courage to face his fear. It made me even more proud of him.
I didn’t say anything about that, though. Now was not the time for that talk. Instead, I made my voice light. Casual. Just like our relationship was supposed to be. Even though it wasn’t.
“Do you need me to take off work and come with you?”
“No, I—” He breathed out and his shoulders relaxed. I hadn’t even noticed they’d been so tense. “I’ll be fine. But thanks.”
I understood. He needed that time with his mom. But it hurt a bit, to be excluded.
Still. We’d agreed that this wasn’t going to be long-term. Nothing serious.
There was nothing to forgive.
I grabbed his hand. “Come on. Let’s go see the other stuff that’s on display.”
All this artwork on display, meant to evoke a response, emotion, but a poor substitute for my deepest feelings that had to remain hidden.
* * *
Ryan
This wasn’t as hard as the night I’d cleaned out Mom’s room.
But it was still hard.
I was busy sorting through the things on the dining table, trying to bag up everything that needed to be donated and box up what needed to go to storage. Every time I picked up something, I wanted it to be the last item I had to deal with, but at least this time I wasn’t bothering to read every single letter and mourn my mom’s memory.
Like I’d said to Emery at the exhibit last night, it was time. I’d been putting it off for too long, and the summer was more than halfway over. Last night, when she’d asked me what had changed my mind, I hadn’t told her. But the answer was that I’d been thinking more and more about what we’d talked about a couple of weeks ago, when she’d been saying it was too late to forgive her parents. I hadn’t realized how much I wanted to believe that it wasn’t too late for anything. I’d wanted to believe that the chance to forgive was always there, just waiting for me to take.
Because that’s what I needed to do. I needed to forgive my mom for never telling me whatever her big secret was, for planting a seed of crazy before she died and making me afraid. It wasn’t really her fault, in the end.
I was in charge of my own fear, and I couldn’t blame her.
It was Emery who had taught me that. She’d taken charge of her life. She’d faced her fear and traveled thousands of miles to a strange place to fix something that was important to her. I admired her fearlessness, and I wanted to be worthy of her respect. I wanted that focus and determination for myself.
It had been her strength that had been moving me forward these past few weeks. But she was going to leave soon, and then what would I have? I sucked in a sharp breath at the realization that she would be gone all too soon.
“Uh, you okay over there, Miller?” On the opposite side of the table, Bobby looked up from a stack of photos.
I had invited him over this time, figuring that I could use some help moving the furniture, and even though Bobby hadn’t done much more than poke through the stuff and make an even bigger mess, it was nice to have someone around this time.
I wished Emery were here, too, though.
She’d had to work and I hadn’t wanted to burden her, even though she’d offered.
Well, technically, she’d offered to come with me to the bank, where I was heading later today, but I’d wanted to keep the dining room a secret. When she came over tonight, I’d wanted to surprise her by having a nice dinner in the clean dining room. I had it all planned out—a symbolic meal that would mark the next chapter of my life. Moving forward on my own strength, wanting her to admire me as much as I did her.
I wanted to tell her then that I loved her.
“I’m fine. Just dust in my throat.” Just that I’m in love with a girl who’s going to leave me, no big deal.
Bobby nodded and went back to looking at the photos. I grabbed a box and walked over to where he was standing. I had just dropped a stack of papers into the box when Bobby let out a low whistle.
“I can’t believe how much of a hottie your mom was when she was younger.”
Without turning to look, I punched Bobby in the shoulder. Not that Bobby was wrong. I’d seen all the photos and knew that Mom had been really pretty when she was younger. She’d had that same fresh-faced, natural beauty that Emery had.
I wondered for a moment whether my father had felt the same love for Mom that I felt for Emery.
Where had that come from?
Mom had never talked about my dad. She’d always just said it hadn’t worked out, and I had never asked, because even mentioning him usually made Mom look sad and worn out. That’s why I’d always assumed that my father hadn’t really loved my mother enough to stay.
But now here I was, wondering whether that was really true. I wished that I had found the courage to ask. I wished I’d at least tried to find out everything I wanted to know, instead of hiding behind my fear.
Was that my d
estiny? To always be shut out by my own fear?
I took a deep, shuddering breath. No. No way. That’s what Emery had been showing me all summer. I wasn’t going to let being scared get in the way anymore. And I liked to think that my mom would be proud to see this change in me.
Fuck. This was really, really hard.
“Hey. Are you gonna cry?” Bobby was leaning toward me, trying to angle his head so that he could see my face. “’Cause it’s okay if you need to. I mean…this is some heavy shit. So if you feel like, you know—” Bobby thumped his shoulder. “Right here, that’s got your name on it, buddy.”
I let out a half laugh, half sigh, and brought my head down to look at Bobby. “Was that supposed to make any sense? At all?”
Bobby thumped his shoulder again and gave a nod of solidarity.
I couldn’t help laughing. “You’re an ass.”
We stood in silence for another minute, both of us smiling, until Bobby looked at his watch and sucked in a sharp breath. “Damn, it’s already eleven o’clock. I’ve got to get to work. I’m leading a hike in an hour.” He clapped me on the back. “Did you like that exhibit last night?”
“Yeah. It was pretty good.”
Bobby grinned. “I thought so, too. I mean, I don’t know shit about art but the girl who did the photos was super hot.”
I raised an eyebrow at him. “I don’t think I’ll ever understand how you got into law school.”
“That’s why you had to settle for med school, my friend. And on that note, I’m off to lead a bachelorette party on a hike. He sighed exaggeratedly. “Me plus fifteen nubile young hotties, heading off into the wilderness. If we go missing, don’t come looking for us for at least twenty-four hours.”
With that, Bobby was gone, leaving me alone to box up my memories.
Chapter 14
Emery
I had just finished my lunch break and was about to head back to work when the phone rang. I hoped it was Ryan. He’d said that he was going to the bank today to open the deposit box. It was half past noon now—had he already done it? Was he calling me to tell me what he’d found?
I didn’t recognize the number, though. Maybe he was calling from the bank phone. I picked it up, feeling a breathless anticipation. “Hello?”
“Miss Phillips?”
I recognized the voice immediately. The investigator. Had he located Theodore Chambers? Suddenly, fear replaced the anticipation. I forced myself to remain calm.
“Yes. Hi. Ryan said you’d called him yesterday about a lead in Alberta.”
“I did.” He paused, the ensuing silence oddly heavy and awkward. It hadn’t felt this way when I’d met with him last week. What was going on? He cleared his throat. “Have you been in touch with the solicitors handling the late Mr. Chambers’s estate, by chance?”
I furrowed my brow. Did I need to be? All those weeks ago, my mom had said she’d tried to find out more from them, but they didn’t reveal anything. She’d also said they would move slowly. I didn’t see a reason to talk to them.
Unless…
I closed my eyes. “Did they find him?”
Another heavy silence. “Unfortunately, I’m not at liberty to say, Miss Phillips. If you haven’t spoken with someone there, well…there are certain laws that prevent me from going that far in giving you information.”
I wanted to cry. The solicitors must have found the guy. What would happen next? Why would the solicitors care about my mom and dad and our house? Would they even mention to Ted’s son that our home depended on him? Would he care? I wanted a chance to talk to him myself, to show him that his decision would affect the lives of real people.
“Miss Phillips. Have you spoken to Mr. Miller today?”
Why would he ask me that? Sure, Ryan was footing the bill for this, but would the PI really give information to Ryan that he wouldn’t give to me?
“No, I’ve been at work. He’s been busy with some other things today, too. I think.”
“Miss Phillips,” he began, and I wondered why he kept saying my name. “My apologies, but given the circumstances, I am going to have to remove myself from this case. I’ll speak about it with Mr. Miller later. I do regret that I cannot give you any specific information.”
He knew where Theodore Chambers was. He had to. And he couldn’t tell me anything? It wasn’t fair!
“You’re leaving me in the dark?” I tried not to cry, but my voice trembled, nonetheless. “What if I don’t find out in time? What if I never find out?”
He sighed. “I truly am sorry. This case is—more complicated than I’d realized. But, listen,” his voice changed, becoming much less formal. More like the grandfatherly type for real. “My advice to you would be to wait a couple of days, and if no news reaches you from other sources, then give me a call and we’ll talk, off the official case. Okay?”
I swallowed. Nodded. What other choice did I have?
“Okay,” I forced myself to say. But it wasn’t. Something had gone horribly wrong. I wanted to call Ryan, but I didn’t want to burden him with this right now, either. What if he was at the bank right now and had found something that was upsetting him? What if he hadn’t gone yet and I ended up sucking all his time away and he couldn’t go to the bank, after all? After how hard he’d struggled to get to this point, that would be the ultimate in selfish for me.
No. I had work to do. I was supposed to have dinner at his place tonight. I’d finish up my work and go over there early, and we could talk things out. Depending on what he found at the bank, he might even need me tonight more than I needed him.
In the meantime, I could always call the law firm and see if I could find anything out from them. Yes. I’d do that, and maybe I’d solve this without having to involve Ryan.
But for some reason, the thought of tackling something like this on my own didn’t make me feel strong and secure like it used to. Instead, I felt lonelier than ever.
* * *
Ryan
It was nearly one o’clock and I was just sealing up the last box with packing tape when the doorbell rang.
Damn. It was probably Bobby again. Maybe his hike got cancelled and he was stopping by with some kind of disgusting food and terrible advice that, actually, I would really welcome right about now.
I smoothed the tape over the box, then went to the door and pulled it open.
“Theodore Chambers?”
For a moment, I was confused. I’d been expecting Bobby, not this guy wearing a DHL uniform. And certainly not someone else who was looking for Theodore Chambers.
In fact—why would a courier know that my girlfriend was looking for the guy? Had the PI sent something to me and accidentally used the wrong name?
Ah. That was probably it. I blinked and nodded. “Yeah. That’s me.”
Shit. That sounded weird. But I’d said it to make things easier. I didn’t want the delivery guy to refuse to hand over the package. He passed me a small computer. “Delivery for you. Sign here, please.”
I signed and passed the device back. He thrust a large envelope at me in exchange and nodded once. “Have a good day.” He called it over his shoulder as he headed back down the sidewalk, hopped in his truck, and drove off.
I remained in the open doorway, staring down at the address label on the envelope.
Wait a second.
This wasn’t from the investigator. This was from a law firm in New Brunswick, addressed to Theodore Chambers, Jr. The address was correct. It hadn’t been delivered to the wrong house.
The packet was thick and heavy like a Bible…the Old Testament…last will and testament…
I couldn’t understand where the strange thought had come from, but it brought a sense of foreboding along with it. The back of my neck tightened, and I stood there a moment longer, still staring down at the address label.
Mr. Theodore Chambers, Jr.
My finger went to the seal on the back of the envelope, but somehow I couldn’t make myself actually open it.
Holy shit.
This was too weird. It was wrong, somehow, and yet all the pieces were coming together for a puzzle that I didn’t even realize I was trying to solve. That Emery was trying to solve.
My father had left before I was born. Ted Chambers hadn’t known he was going to have a son before he left his pregnant lover. Theodore Chambers, Jr. was supposed to be my age. He was supposed to be living around in Alberta. In Deerfield.
The only thing that was different was that my name wasn’t Theodore Chambers, Jr.
I should have told you…things you need to know…
Shit. Shit shit shit shit.
The bank. I needed to get to the bank and figure out what was in the box. But fuck, I didn’t want to now. I was so scared that I was shaking. What happened to all that strength I thought I’d had? I wanted to lock myself in my room and never come out. This couldn’t be true. There was no way this could be true. What were the odds that I would be Theodore Chambers?
Well, pretty high, if you think about it, a voice in my head scoffed. The situation was too similar for there to be more than one possibility.
Time to find out for sure.
Still shaking, I walked to my bedroom, opened the top drawer of my nightstand, and tossed the still-unopened packet inside before I walked back out to the foyer, grabbed my wallet and keys, and left.
* * *
Ryan
The branch manager ushered me into a freakishly small room with two chairs and a table.
“I’ll be back in just a moment, Mr. Miller.”
I waited in the chair for a few minutes before he returned, carrying a locked deposit box. He set it on the table in front of me, made sure I didn’t need anything else, and then left, shutting the door behind him.
I slid his key into the keyhole in the box, turning it until I heard the interior latch pop open. I took a deep breath, raised the box lid, and found—
A pile of envelopes.