by Audra North
So…not just one big secret, but fifty small, no less potentially-life-destroying ones.
Fuck.
I was so scared.
I thought of Emery, and how I wanted to be able to give her the answers she deserved tonight, when she came over. That was enough to spur me on. I reached out and opened the top envelope, from which I pulled out a stack of photos.
I knew right away who the people were in the pictures.
My mom, of course. But there was someone else. I flipped through them in rapid succession, my breath too caught up in his chest and unable to move until I’d seen them all. In every one of them was the same tall man who looked a lot older than Mom. He had my nose and my chin and the same dimple that perversely only showed up when I frowned.
My dad.
“Holy fuck.” The words rode out on that breath, and I had to put the photos down, overwhelmed by all the tough feelings fighting to surface in me.
Betrayal, for one. Mom had always insisted to me that she didn’t have any photos of my father, but here was proof that she’d lied.
Astonishment, too, at how in love my parents had looked. In every one of the eight photos in the stack, my father was looking at Mom like she was the most incredible woman on Earth.
Which made me feel even more betrayed. My mother had never said anything specific—hadn’t even told me my father’s name—but she’d said things hadn’t worked out between her and this guy. I had always assumed that his father had been a jerk who ran off without a care and left them behind.
But this man—I picked up the top picture and stared at it again, seeing my own deep-set brown eyes staring back at him—this man cared.
What had made him stop caring?
What if he never had? What if this man was who I suspected he was, and all those stories Emery had told me about Ted Chambers…
“Shit.” I threw the photo down and leaned back in my chair, running my hands through my hair. “Shit.”
And this was just the first envelope. Who knew what other death traps were in there, waiting to wring my soul from his body?
Once again, I was so tempted to just get up and walk out, to leave this pain behind me and never come back, but I kept thinking about Emery, and how I wanted her to be proud of me, and how she deserved to know.
How I deserved to know.
I pulled out the next envelope and opened it. I was shaking again. Thank God I hadn’t asked Bobby to come. Though I wished right now that I’d accepted Emery’s offer to be here with me. We might be finding out the answers to both our questions now.
Just look inside, already!
I grabbed the paper that was folded inside and yanked it out, opening it up.
It was a receipt.
What the fuck? Photos of the man my mother had all but erased from my world in one envelope, a receipt from some French restaurant in the next? Meanwhile, this roller coaster of emotions was going to kill me before he even got halfway through the box.
I went to slide the receipt back in the envelope, but missed, sending the small piece of paper fluttering to the ground. Only when it landed, face down, did I understand why Mom had kept it.
On the back, in my mother’s handwriting, was the note, Today Ted told me he loves me.
Ted.
There was no denying it now. Even if I wanted to, I knew too much. Ted loved my mom. Ted was my-my—
No. I couldn’t. Not yet. I needed something more. Some proof. I was Ryan Miller, not Theodore Chambers, Jr. That’s what Ted’s son was named, right? That wasn’t my name! That wasn’t me!
I leaned forward, rifling through the envelopes until I found the one at the very bottom. It was the biggest, a large manila envelope closed with two butterfly clasps. I didn’t bother with the two seconds it would take to bend them open—just ripped the flap off the envelope and slid out the stack of papers inside.
Holy shit.
Holy fucking shit.
A birth certificate. Theodore Chambers, Jr.
A Junior. That meant someone’s son. Ted’s son.
My brain blacked that out and I frantically flipped to the next page. Proof of name change. Theodore Chambers, Jr. to Ryan Miller. Dated from when I was six months old.
Flip.
A copy of my amended birth certificate, dated when I was seven months old. This one said Ryan Miller.
Twenty two years ago, Theodore Chambers, Jr. had been completely erased from existence. And Ryan Miller had taken his place. Which mean that packet today hadn’t been addressed to the wrong person. Just the wrong name.
All along, Emery had been looking for someone who had been right in front of her. All around her. Inside of her.
Fuck.
I had to tell her. Now.
No. Not now. I couldn’t just call her up and tell her something like this over the phone. It was too intense. It had to be in person, so I could hold her through the shock. Assuming she was as shocked as I was.
But…oh, no. Oh fuck. The house. She had come all this way because she needed to save her family home. My thoughts from a couple of weeks ago flitted through my mind. If I were Theodore Chambers, maybe my mom would still be alive. If I were Theodore Chambers, I’d have enough money to pay for school without selling my mom’s house.
I had to tell her. But could I afford to sign that loan extension and give up money that I needed for the future?
What was I going to do?
Either way, I had to tell her. She deserved to know. I had to.
But…fuck.
How?
Chapter 15
Emery
“Earth to Ryan. Hello?”
I waved a hand in front of Ryan’s eyes. He’d been spacing out all evening. Not that I could blame him. When I’d arrived tonight, I’d seen that he’d cleaned up the dining room, gotten rid of everything except for the dining set. He’d set the table, poured the wine, even dressed up. It was so special and incredible, and I hadn’t wanted to ruin it by talking about what had happened today with the PI.
But then he’d spent the last hour drifting in and out of the conversation. And he still hadn’t said a word about the bank. Had he even gone? I wanted to ask, but his weird behavior was throwing me off, making me hold back.
He snapped to attention and let out a heavy sigh. “God, I…I did it again. I’m really sorry.”
I set down my fork. Oh God. Poor guy. He looked so bewildered. I needed him to talk to me. More than I needed to talk to him, more than I needed any other answers. I just needed him to be okay.
I reached over and took his hand.
“Hey. It’s okay. Listen, I’m not trying to push you or anything, but are you—does this have anything to do with what you found in your mom’s deposit box?”
Panic flashed in his eyes, but it was there and gone in a second. Slowly, he started to shake his head, but halfway through he changed it to a nod, which resulted in him just doing what looked like a neck stretch.
“Was that—I mean, what was that?” I tried to smile, but I was really worried. I’d never seen him this out of it.
He looked at me, and the bleak sadness in his eyes nearly made me gasp. My grip tightened on his hand.
“I did find something there that, um, bothered me. There are a few things. I mean, one thing, but there were a lot of little things that sort of…” He shook his head as though trying to clear it. “I’m sorry, Emery. I don’t know if I can talk about it yet.”
Oh, God. That hurt. It was the same kind of hurt as last night, when he’d told me that he didn’t want me to come along to the bank with him, only intensified. He was shutting me out. He had no obligation to tell me anything. But still, it felt like a blow. I forced myself to nod and squeeze his fingers reassuringly.
“Okay. I understand. Would you rather I go home? I’ll be okay with it if you need some time to yourself. I don’t want you to feel like you have to have me here.”
“No!” He practically shouted it, his hand sliding up my arm to grab
my elbow. “No, I mean. I think I just need—”
“Someone.” I understood. Sometimes, when my dad had been going through a particularly tough time, I used to wish for someone. To hold me, and to care, and to just be there.
“Yeah. Is that okay?”
I didn’t really want to be just someone, but I couldn’t say no. I’d rather be here with him as just someone than without him as no one. I’d rather be with him more than I wanted anything else.
Because I’d fallen in love with him.
And I was going to lose him. Was already losing him.
“Tell me about your day.” He hadn’t let go of my elbow.
I forced a smile. “Well, I cleaned all of my rooms in just under seven hours.”
His answering chuckle made my heart soar. Oh, thank God. I never thought I’d be so relieved to hear him laugh. It must have loosened all of my muscles, including my tongue, because the next words simply tumbled out.
“I’m so glad I came here. I’m glad I met you.” It wasn’t exactly a declaration of love, but it was something. I wanted him to know that he meant something, that he wasn’t just someone.
Except…he flinched as though I’d hit him.
Oh. Oh no.
But then he shrugged, rolling his shoulders as if he’d just been trying to relax. “I’m glad I met you, too, Emery.”
I nodded. Drew in a shaky breath. “And I don’t think I can ever thank you enough for helping me. That why I think you should know that the PI called me today. He said he had to stop working on the case, but he wouldn’t tell me why. He said he was going to call you. I just—I don’t want you to think I was being ungrateful, or something. I don’t know why I thought you might think that, but I care what you think. So much. I-I—” The words got caught in my throat, and I had to work hard to push them all the way out. “I love you.”
There. There. It was wonderful and terrible at the same time, to have it out there, but I couldn’t keep it in any longer. For the first time in my life, I knew how it felt to love someone despite the fact that he had the power to crush my heart in his hands.
And probably would. Would he tell me he thought I was great, but he didn’t feel the same way? Would he get awkward and weird and remind me that this was just a summer fling? I’d have to leave, then. I wouldn’t be able to take it.
But he didn’t respond. In fact, he wasn’t even moving at all. He looked kind of ill. I frowned and tried to get him to look at me, but his eyes were closed and he was breathing pretty fast—
What the hell? “Hey. Ryan. Are you okay?”
He opened his eyes then, and the pain I saw in his face made me gasp.
“I have something to tell you.” He said it so ominously that my heart started beating in double time. Scared. He was scaring me. What was he going to say? That he didn’t just not love me, but that he didn’t care about me at all? That I didn’t matter one bit?
I stared back, frozen in place.
“I—” His face was pale, and I swore I stopped breathing, waiting for his next words. “I have to go to the bathroom.”
What?
Before I could respond, he got up and rushed down the hall, practically running, and I let out a hard breath, trying to regain my composure. I heard the water running in the bathroom.
Maybe he was sick. He had looked really pale. Maybe I should get him some medicine or something.
I’d seen a bottle of aspirin in top drawer of his nightstand a couple of weeks ago. Maybe it was still there.
I headed into his room to look.
* * *
Ryan
“Emery?”
In the bathroom, I had splashed so much cold water on my face that now it felt completely frozen and was probably going to fall off any second. I’d walked out to find the kitchen and dining room empty, and a quick glance into the living room showed me that she wasn’t in there.
In fact, it was strangely quiet in here.
I walked down the hall toward his bedroom. “Emery?”
But what I saw when I turned into the doorway brought me up short. She was sitting on my bed, staring down at her lap, where I could see the thick envelope that had come today from the courier.
Fuck.
Her face had completely drained of color, and her hands were fisted in the comforter.
“Emery.” I took a step forward, but her head snapped up, eyes blazing.
“How could you?”
“I can explain—”
“How could you pretend like that?”
“Emery, please. It isn’t like that. I didn’t pretend anything. I just didn’t get a chance to tell—”
She threw the packet at me, and it smacked me in the chest before falling to the floor with a crackling thump. “You’re Theodore Chambers, Jr. Not Ryan Miller. I should have known when you lied from the very start, about why you were in my room. Who was that fake PI I met with? Some buddy of yours? Is that why he pretended he had to resign from the case? I can’t believe I trusted you!”
Oh, shit. Wait. She thought I’d known all along. For months. Not just for a few hours. She thought I’d been lying to her all these weeks. God, no. What a mess.
I’d never seen her so angry before. It was just as intense as the rest of her. I had to explain, fast. I had to tell her so she could see the truth and forgive me.
I raised my hands as though showing her that I had no weapons. “I was Theodore Ryan Chambers, Jr. But my mom changed my name when I was a baby. I didn’t know until today, I promise. In fact, whoever sent that must have better connections than I do because they managed to find out before I did.”
Her lip curled in a sneer. “I don’t believe you. You’ve been holding the power to destroy my family in your nightstand, for fuck’s sake. You even said before that you wouldn’t sign the loan extension. Why should I think you’re telling the truth about this when the future of my family home is shoved away like it doesn’t matter?”
“No. That’s not—I didn’t say I wouldn’t. I said it would be hard. It is hard. I thought about it today, when I found out. I didn’t know that—”
But she cut me off. “All this time, I’ve been such an idiot.” She stared at me. “I got to know you. I let you in. I—how could you?” She rose and walked toward me, and I braced myself for a slap, almost hoping that she would just get her anger out on me so that we could sit down and talk this through, but instead she stopped right in front of me.
“I trusted you. I trusted you, and I loved you, you know. I can’t believe I was so stupid. Maybe I never meant anything to you. But now you mean nothing to me.” She pointed at the packet on the ground. “Sign it or not. It’s up to you. I’m not going to beg.”
Beg? No. Hell no. It was I who should be begging her, for forgiveness. For love.
But before I could say anything, she brushed past me and ran out, and a second later the front door slammed shut. I turned to run after her, but her words stopped me.
Now you mean nothing to me
I sank to my knees on the floor and buried my head in my hands. She was gone.
I’d lost her.
Chapter 16
Emery
I stared out the window of the bus as it rumbled along the highway. How could he not have told me? How could he have made me fall for him on purpose? I thought he was a good person, and kind and special. I loved him, and if I were being honest, I’d thought he loved me.
I’d trusted him.
And he’d been lying all along.
Except…now that I’d had some time away, I wasn’t feeling as certain about that as I had. I remembered the look on his face when he’d walked in and seen me holding that big envelope. He’d looked as shocked as I’d felt.
Had he been telling the truth? Had he really only known for a short time, and just working up the courage to tell me?
I shook my head. It didn’t matter. Even if he hadn’t known from the start, he should have told me as soon as he found out. Not waited even a second.
He had his own shock to deal with. Would you really have begrudged him a few hours to deal with his own shit? Are you really that unforgiving?
The words that had haunted me all summer rose up with a vengeance.
Without forgiveness, you lose out on so many opportunities for real love.
He was the kind of guy I respected. Who supported me, who was there for me, even when he was going through his own tough times. I could depend on him. But when push came to shove, it had all fallen apart because I wasn’t willing to see past my own pain to hear him out.
What had I done?
Not what I should have done, that’s for sure.
I’d left his house that night, run to the bus stop, and jumped on the next bus back to the resort to pack up my things. I’d managed to catch Mr. Brake at the front desk just before he left for the evening. He hadn’t been happy about me quitting, but he’d been sympathetic.
It was hard not to be when I’d been bawling my eyes out as I told him that I had to leave a couple weeks early.
Everything had fallen into place after that. I got on the last bus out of Deerfield, cried myself to sleep in my seat, and woken up when we rolled into Regina early the next morning. I’d called my mom from there, just before my phone had died, and now I was on the last leg from Montreal to Prince Edward Island.
It had been nearly three days since I’d left Deerfield, and Ryan hadn’t been out of my thoughts for even a minute.
I’d been such a fool.
I’d failed him. And I’d failed myself.
Would I ever be able to forgive that?
* * *
Ryan
I’d finally read through everything that had been in the packet I’d received from the law firm. A long letter from the solicitor handling the case, informing me that I had inherited over three million dollars in cash and assets.
My father’s will.
Photographs.
Letters from both of my parents.
The words I’d read were ricocheting around in my head.
Selma told me she didn’t want me anymore…didn’t know I’d left her pregnant until after you were born…my stupid pride stopped me from coming after you until it was too late. Here is the letter she wrote me a year ago…I’ve left everything to you…