Blind Faith

by Kimberley Reeves

  Rufus backed up then trotted beside her to the bathroom, patiently waiting for her to gulp down a glass of water and rinse off her face before traipsing after her to the deck. It helped to know he understood how she felt even if the only comfort he could offer was a sloppy swig to the hand. Serena drew in a ragged breath, acutely aware of the huge void inside her chest that had gotten progressively bigger in the hours since Will had left with McKinley. A dull ache settled in the pit of her stomach. Yes, he’d come home, but she wished…

  A soft tap on the door put a halt to any thoughts except avoiding a conversation. She slipped back into the room and eased the sliding glass doors closed then hurried back to her bed and burrowed beneath the covers. She didn’t want to be Will’s friend right now, not if it meant having to hear about the great time he’d had with McKinley tonight.

  ***

  Will lifted his hand and tapped on the door. “Serena, are you awake?” No answer. He tapped again, a little louder this time. “Serena?”

  Still no response. He could have sworn he’d heard the sliding glass doors as they glided across the tracks. Will listened for a few more minutes, certain he heard the rustle of bed covers and the soft thud he’d come to recognize as the sound of Rufus plopping down onto the floor. Okay, so she didn’t want to talk; he could understand that. But Serena was going to hear him out even if he had to talk while she pretended to be asleep.

  Will silently entered her room, purposely leaving the door open so there was enough light to guide him to her bed but not so much that it would disturb Rufus. She was lying on her back with the covers tucked up around her chin. Her eyes were closed, her breathing slow and even. If he hadn’t seen the shimmer of fresh tears still clinging to Serena’s eyelashes, he might have been fooled into believing she really was asleep. Were her tears the result of another nightmare or was he responsible for them? His chest tightened. All he wanted to do was shield her from the pain and sorrow, but he’d failed her tonight and it wasn’t the first time.

  Will reached out and gently brushed the stray curls from her face, swallowing the enormous boulder that lodged itself in his throat when he realized why her hair felt so damp. He wanted to gather her in his arms and tell her she wasn’t alone, that she would never be alone again if she would only let him love her. Instead, he leaned over and pressed his cheek to hers, breathing in her soft scent.

  ***

  Serena had closed her eyes and forced herself to take slow, even breathes just as Will inched the door open and stepped inside. Her heart tripped as he drew nearer, his familiar masculine scent stirring emotions that wouldn’t be denied no matter how much they petrified her. Warmth spread throughout her entire body when Will gently brushed the stray curls from her face then leaned over, his cheek lightly brushing hers. For a moment she let the feel of his skin against hers erase the misery that had been slowly consuming her.

  “I’m so sorry,” he whispered in her ear.

  Those three words, spoken so softly, triggered a violent reaction in Serena, savagely tearing her from the present and catapulting her back into that cold, dark cave. Her spine went rigid as that familiar sense of helplessness curled around her heart and began to squeeze. Taunting laughter echoed in her ears as the memory of a shaky hand in her hair and the same whispered apology penetrated the numbing fear that paralyzed her. Serena couldn’t contain it any longer. Drawing in a sharp breath, she unleashed the silent scream that had been locked inside of her for so long, the high pitched wail reverberating off the bedroom walls in an endless wave of sheer terror.

  ***

  “Serena, wake up! It’s me, Will. Serena…”

  He gave up trying to be heard over her hysterical screaming and attempted to gather her in his arms instead; hoping, praying that somehow she would realize who he was and be comforted by it. But Serena only screamed louder, striking out at him with her fists while her legs kicked uselessly beneath the covers. Will barely felt the blows that landed on his chest and arms, although his cheek stung from taking a wild hit. He was hesitant to subdue her for fear he might hurt her, but the main reason he didn’t try to stop her was because gut instinct told him Serena needed this.

  She’d been helpless to fight back before, helpless to do anything but suffer through the pain and horror as each boy took his turn at her. By letting her fight back now, Will believed it would facilitate the healing process that should have begun years ago. Throughout it all Rufus remained surprisingly calm, much to Will’s relief, and when Serena’s screams finally subsided to be replaced by broken sobs, Rufus surprised him again by trotting over to the sliding glass windows and laying down.

  Will did gather Serena in his arms then, holding her close to his chest until she gradually stopped crying. There were so many things he wanted to tell her; things that had been locked inside of him for seven long years and desperately needed to be said. But he couldn’t do it, not until he knew for sure she was okay. It was quite some time before Serena’s ragged breath evened out and she was able to speak. It wasn’t so much what she said that bothered him; Will had been anticipating this moment since he moved in, but the lifeless tone of her voice chilled him to the bone.

  “You were there,” Serena said. “That night…in the cave, you were there. I was afraid to open my eyes, afraid your friends would come back, afraid to move, to breath. It was you, wasn’t it? You were the one who leaned over me and said you were sorry.”

  Will hugged her to him, overwhelmed by the memory of Serena lying there with her dress bunched up around her waist, her thighs smeared with fresh blood. He thought she was dead, and it had taken every ounce of courage he had to drop down to his knees and find out for sure. She didn’t move when he pushed the hair away from her face, but he’d felt the warmth of her breath on his cheek when he leaned over and told her how sorry he was. He’d felt the sting of tears and blinked them back, just as he felt them now. Only this time, Will didn’t try to stop them from falling.

  “Yes,” he choked out, “yes, it was me.”

  Chapter 6

  How was it possible to feel so cold and empty inside and still be alive? Serena wanted to push herself away from him but there was no strength left to draw from. She couldn’t even cry.

  “Why?” she finally managed say.

  There was a short pause before Will replied. “I’m not sure I understand what you’re asking.”

  He was holding her so close she could hear the steady beat of his heart beneath her cheek, but for reasons Serena couldn’t even being to explain, she wasn’t afraid. Cradled in Will’s arms, she felt safe…protected. Which only proved how emotionally unstable she was, didn’t it? Was she so desperate for his love that she was willing to absolve him for the violent assault he’d participated in? Could she honestly forgive him after all the years she’d spent living in fear? No, she firmly told herself, she would not forgive him.

  Serena drew in a stilted breath. “Why did you do it, Will? How could you…h-hurt me that way? How could you stand by and let your friends do it? I trusted you. I trusted you, but you betrayed me, and I…I have a right to know why.”

  “No…Serena, what are you saying? You don’t think…”

  A low moan vibrated in the back of his throat; the anguished sound of it ripping an even bigger hole in Serena’s heart. She’d heard that sound before, heard it echo off the walls of the cave as Will draped his jacket around her shoulders and gently lifted her into his arms. The warmth of his body had enveloped her and when he’d lowered his head and pressed his cheek to hers, she’d felt the moisture if his tears against her own damp skin.

  I’m so sorry. Forgive me…

  “Will, I…I’m so confused right now I can’t think straight. I remember you were there…I remember you leaning over me and saying you were sorry, but the rest is so hazy…like a dream that keeps fading in and out.”

  “Serena…” Will cleared his throat, but his voice was so thick with emotion it still came out sounding hoarse. “Serena, you have t
o remember; I couldn’t stand it if you didn’t. You can do this, sweetheart, I know you can. Just close your eyes and concentrate…”

  Serena’s insides started to shake. “I can’t! Please don’t ask me to do this. I don’t want to remember.”

  “Shhh, it’s okay, I don’t want you to remember that far back. What I need you to concentrate on is what happened afterwards…after they left and you were alone.” Will pressed a soft kiss to her temple. “I know this is difficult, but it’s important that you recall everything from that point on. Think, Serena…how did you get out of there?”

  She closed her eyes and let the sound of his voice calm the mounting panic. “I…couldn’t move,” she spoke slowly. “I was too afraid…even when I couldn’t hear them laughing or walking around anymore. I just wanted to stay in the dark by myself and let it…hide me.”

  “You were in there a long time,” Will coaxed softly, “were you aware of that?”

  “In a way, I guess I was. Sometimes it felt as if they had just left and I was afraid they would turn around and come back so pretended I was unconscious. My mind would start to drift…to my family and friends…and you.”

  Serena was surprised by her own revelation that she had thought of Will. Was it because she hadn’t recognized him as one of her attackers or that she didn’t want to believe he’d had any part of it? Had she known…somewhere deep inside, that he was the one who had whispered an apology when it was over? And why wasn’t she afraid of him now? After hearing from his own lips that he’d been there, why wasn’t she cowering from him instead of remaining passively cocooned in his arms?

  “You said you pretended to be unconscious,” Will continued talking her through it, “so you must have been aware, at least on some level, when help finally arrived.”

  “When help arrived? Help never arrived, how could it have?” Her voice grew cold and distant. “How could anyone have helped me once it was over? What could anyone say or do to help me after I had been forced to have sex with four different boys?”

  “I…you’re right, Serena, there wasn’t anything that could have been done at that point. I wish I could go back in time, that I could change something, anything, that would have prevented what happened to you.”

  “They were your friends,” the accusatory words were hurled at him. “You could have stopped it but you didn’t, and now you’re acting as if…”

  Serena stopped abruptly when she felt his body go rigid. In spite of what she’d just told him, she didn’t doubt Will’s sincerity about wishing he could change what happened that night. But was it remorse or guilt that was causing a physical reaction? She supposed the real question should be; why would she care? What difference did it make to her whether he was sorry or not? Except…something persisted in nagging at her, a ghost of a memory that kept tapping her on the shoulder and then retreating into the shadows before she got a good look at it.

  “Acting as if I didn’t take part in it, is that what you were going to say, Serena?”

  He sounded hurt, like someone being falsely accused, and that confused her even more. Doubt began to cloud Serena’s mind. A memory flickered, came into focus for a few brief seconds before being whisked away again. Will lifting her off the cold, hard ground; the fierce determination in his voice as he carried her through the darkness and promised she would be okay…

  “I don’t know what I’m saying, Will. I’ve spent so many years warding off the memories, maybe they’re just not there anymore.”

  “With something that traumatic it’s possible you may never remember,” he conceded, “but you won’t know unless you try. The easiest thing would be to tell you what happened, but if I did that, how would you ever know for sure I was telling the truth?”

  “But I would know because I trust you,” Serena replied without thinking.

  “How can you say that? How can you possibly trust a man you think viciously attacked you then just left you there, broken and scared and so…defenseless?”

  How was she supposed to respond to that when she didn’t know the answer herself? She couldn’t even think straight with so many conflicting emotions swirling around inside of her. And now Will sounded as if he was upset with her for saying she trusted him, which only added to the muddled state of her mind. She struggled to make sense of it all, but it was like trying to jam a square peg into a round hole. Several minutes ticked by but Will didn’t press for an answer. He seemed to know she needed time to work it out in her mind. Maybe if she had been thinking clearer, it wouldn’t have taken her so long to realize the significance of the things Will had said.

  Why was he so adamant that she remember what happened on her own when he could have given her any version he wanted and at least attempted to justify his actions? So far, Will had avoided answering her questions as to why he’d done it or why he hadn’t tried to stop the others. He hadn’t even tried to use alcohol as an excuse. As a matter of fact, he hadn’t made any excuses for himself at all, which could only mean one of two things; either he felt no guilt for what he’d done…or he was not one of the four boys that attacked her.

  I’m so sorry. Forgive me…

  “You asked me to forgive you,” Serena said slowly.

  “Yes…yes, I did,” Will let out a relieved sigh. “Is it coming back to you now?”

  “Not…all of it, just bits and pieces but…we were alone when you said it, weren’t we?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then it had to have been one of the boys that attacked me who told me he was sorry.”

  “No, it was me. You said you remembered. I don’t understand…”

  “Neither did I, but I think I do now.” God, she hoped she was right. “Just before they left, one of them leaned down and whispered that he was sorry.” She heard Will growl at the same time she felt it rumble deep in his chest. “Don’t you see,” she rushed on, “when you repeated the same thing to me tonight, it triggered the memory of what you’d said in the cave, but it was all jumbled in my mind and I couldn’t distinguish between the two of you.”

  “Subconsciously, you must have known though. Why else would you say you trusted me?”

  Serena pressed herself closer to him. “You know why. Oh, Will, why didn’t you just tell me you had nothing to do with it instead of letting me believe such horrible things about you?”

  “But you didn’t believe it,” he said softly.

  Shame washed over her in unrelenting waves. “You’re just trying to give me an out. I don’t deserve it.”

  “Serena…you wouldn’t be in my arms right now if that was true.”

  She thought about it for a minute and realized he was right. Maybe her mind had been confused, but in her heart, she must have known Will wasn’t capable of hurting her. Slowly, she began to relax, and when he asked her to tell him what she remembered, the suffocating fear that usually accompanied any attempt to recall that night had nearly dissipated altogether. There wasn’t much to tell, it still seemed more like the hazy remnants of a dream than an actual memory, but she did her best.

  ***

  Will was disappointed. Serena didn’t seem to remember anything except that he’d told her he was sorry and then covered her with his jacket before lifting her up off the ground. He had hoped for more than a few scattered memories but was grateful that even without them Serena trusted what her heart was telling her and had ultimately placed her trust in him as well.

  “It’s getting late,” he said when she finished. “You’re going to be dead on your feet tomorrow if you don’t get some sleep.”

  “I know you’re right, but…I want to know more. Like how you knew what happened and where to find me.”

  “It’s a long story and I promise to tell you everything I know, but maybe it would be better if we waited until tomorrow. I’ll let you cook me dinner and we can talk afterwards.”

  “You’ll let me cook dinner? Your generosity is overwhelming,” she replied dryly.

  Will chuckled. “Yeah, that’s ju
st the kind of guy I am.” He gave her one last hug before letting her go and immediately felt the emptiness begin to creep in. “Good-night,” he said as he slid off the bed.

  “Good-night, Will. Thank you for…being here.”

  Always. “We’ll talk more tomorrow night.”

  “You aren’t going out with McKinley tomorrow? What I mean is, it’s a Friday night and I assumed…” Serena cut herself off with an indifferent shrug of her shoulders. “I’m just saying that if you already have a date with McKinley, I don’t want you to feel obligated to spend the evening with me.”

  “I don’t have a date tomorrow or any night…no, that’s not exactly true.” Will sat back down on the edge of the bed. “We have a lot to talk about tomorrow, including McKinley.”

  “You don’t have to explain…”

  “Yes, I do. I agreed to go out with her on Saturday but I never had any intention of going through with it. No, wait…that’s a really bad place to start. When McKinley was here earlier she said some things that led me to believe she was plotting something.”