Accepting His Terms

by Isabella Kole

  “Hello,” he said.

  “Jarrod, it’s Sally. How is she this morning?”

  “Not doing well, I’m afraid. She says God took our baby from us because we won’t be good parents and that I should have been there. She is just not herself at all.”

  “Try and get her to eat something, and I’ll stop by later. Jarrod, don’t take anything she says right now to heart. She’ll come around.”

  He hung up the phone and fixed a tray with toast, juice, and coffee to take upstairs. When he got back to the bedroom, he saw that she was still lying quietly in the bed, staring at the ceiling.

  “I brought you some breakfast. And your mom called. She said she’d stop by to see you later.”

  “She doesn’t need to. There is nothing she can do. There is nothing anyone can do.”

  Jarrod shook his head. “I think you need to sit up and eat something. Why don’t you go splash water on your face first? It’ll make you feel better.”

  “Don’t tell me what to do. I may not be good mother material, but I’m damn well capable of taking care of myself. I did just fine before I met you and I can sure as hell do it now.”

  Taken aback by the sudden outburst from his normally sweet wife, he set the tray down, picked up his own cup of coffee, and left her alone.

  As he made his way to the library, his thoughts went back to Jill. What could he do to bring her out of this? Because knowing her as well as he did, he knew if she didn’t snap out of it, she would slip further and further away from him and all who loved her.

  Sitting down at his desk, he put his head in his hands and sobbed again. He was grieving and Jill was grieving, but they couldn’t grieve together. That in itself was enough to cause the man who was always in control of his emotions to falter. Today they needed each other more than ever, needed the bond they shared to pull them through this tragic loss, and that bond had somehow been severed. He had felt it when he had brought her home the night before. She was as lost to him right now as their baby was.

  Finally, he finished his coffee and picked up the phone to call his parents at his beach house, where there were staying for the week. They had asked to use it while visiting friends in the area.

  When his dad answered the phone, he faltered for just a minute before regaining his composure. “Dad, how are things down there?”

  “Everything is fine, son. Is anything wrong? You don’t sound like yourself.”

  “I’m afraid I have some bad news. Something’s happened.”

  “What is it? With the business, did you big deal fall through?”

  “No, nothing like that,” he replied.

  “What is it, Jarrod? Is it Jill?”

  “Oh, Dad, yes, it’s Jill. We found out recently she was pregnant. We were over the moon, both of us. We’d decided to keep it a secret for a while, but yesterday Jill…she lost the baby.”

  “Oh, I’m so sorry. This is a pain I’d hoped you’d never have to bear.”

  “There’s more. I was at the job site overseeing the tree cutting. My cell was out of range and I missed the call to go to the hospital. By the time Susie drove up to the site and I got back to town, it was too late. Jill can’t forgive me for not being there.”

  “Oh, Jarrod, the poor girl is heartbroken. She’ll come around.”

  “No, Dad, you don’t understand. Jill’s a very nervous person. She has her moods and her nervous habits. I’ve learned to read her like a book. I know exactly when she is in one of her funks and this is the worst I’ve ever seen. She is angry, withdrawn, she says our baby was taken from us because we wouldn’t have been good parents. If I was a good dad I would have made sure I could be reached in any emergency.”

  “It’s the grief talking, give her some time. Just be there for her. And hard as it may be, don’t get angry in return.”

  “I don’t know. I have a very bad feeling about this. Like I said, we’ve become so close, I can read her and I know her moods. This is completely different.”

  “Let me put your mother on the phone. We’ll get things packed up here and head back in the morning. Again, I’m sorry, Jarrod.”

  When his mother spoke to him, it was apparent that his dad had told her about the miscarriage. “Jarrod, honey, I’m so so sorry. We’ll be there as soon as we can.”

  “Mom, I know this is a shock to you. Thank you for cutting your trip short.”

  “Did you honestly think we wouldn’t? Honey, we’ll be there. Just take a few deep breaths and take care of your lovely wife.”

  “That’s just it. I don’t think she wants me anywhere around her.”

  “She may not right now. Just give her some time and space. I understand more than you know.”

  “Mom, I need you here.”

  “Oh, sweetheart, I don’t think you’ve ever said that to me. You know I’ll be there just as soon as I can. Please take care of yourself and Jill until I get there.”

  “Sally will be here in a little while. Maybe she can get through to Jill.”

  “Jarrod, I know you don’t think things will get better right now and I know you’re at a loss and grieving, too. The pain will eventually lessen, it won’t ever completely go away, but it will get easier. Please just give it some time.”

  “I love you, Mom.”

  “Oh, sweet boy, I love you and you know I love Jill like a daughter. We’ll see you soon. Please give Jill my love.”

  “I’ll see you in a few days.”

  As he hung up the phone and got up to get more coffee, the doorbell rang. He went to answer it and it was the florist with a bouquet of flowers from the staff. He tipped the delivery boy and set the flowers on the foyer table. Before he could make it to the kitchen, the doorbell rang again and he opened it to let Sally in.

  “Oh, sweetheart,” she said as she hugged her son-in-law. “You go sit down. I’ll bet you haven’t eaten, have you?”

  “I fixed toast for Jill but I just had coffee. I don’t feel like eating.”

  “Nonsense, you sit down and I’ll fix you some eggs.”

  “Thanks. Mom and Dad are heading back from Florida as soon as they can.”

  “I know. Grace called me after she talked with you. They may try and head out yet tonight,” she replied as she walked toward the kitchen.

  A little while later, Jarrod was seated at the kitchen bar with his food and Sally made her way upstairs to check on Jill.

  As he took a bite of his breakfast, he sighed. Oh, Jill, please… don’t shut me out. I know you’ve always said you need me to keep you grounded. But the truth is I need you, too, more than you know.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Jarrod stayed away the rest of the morning. By afternoon, he noticed that Jill had finally gotten up and showered. She spent the rest of the day sitting in the bedroom she had planned to turn into a nursery, staring into space. Her mother had sat with her, had tried to talk to her, but nothing seemed to help.

  Jarrod tried in vain to reach her. He gave her some space before going to her. When he could no longer stand it, he joined her in the nursery, speaking softly, apologizing, and allowing her to cry in his arms. Nothing reached her. It was apparent she was heartbroken. She had wanted the baby more than he realized, and when she lost it, her world had crumbled. She was in a very fragile state and it hurt Jarrod more than he could say to see her that way.

  “Please just leave me alone,” she said as she moved out of Jarrod’s comforting arms. “I just want to sit by myself.”

  Sadly, he replied, “Are you sure that’s what you want?”

  As she looked into his sad eyes she answered, “Yes, just go. I know you’re sorry and I know you’re hurting, but I need to be alone.”

  He walked out of the room, granting her wish to be left alone. She spent the rest of that afternoon in the nursery while he sat in his study trying to come up with the best way to help his wife work through her devastating grief.

  The next morning she was still in bed, awake, staring at the ceiling, when he
walked out of the bathroom that adjoined their massive bedroom.

  “Baby, Mom and Dad will be here soon. Are you going to get out of bed?” he asked as he sat down on the bed and towel dried his hair.

  She rolled over, turning her back to him, irritating him more than ever because he didn’t know how to reach her.

  “Damn it, Jill!” He stormed out of the room, upset more with himself than with her because he simply didn’t know what to do. He had an idea of what she needed, but there was no way he would even try that at this point. He had no idea what her reaction would be. She could barely stand for him to touch her now, other than the quiet moments she had allowed him to hold her while she cried, but those times were few and far between.

  He looked up later to see that she finally forced herself to get out of bed and take a shower. She dressed in jeans and a sweater and came downstairs to see if he had made a pot of coffee. He was preparing food for their guests when she walked into the room.

  She reached above his head and took a coffee mug out of the cabinet. As she did, he grabbed her wrist and pulled her to him. “Baby, please, I can’t stand this.”

  She looked down sadly. “I’m sorry, but I just can’t help it.”

  He kissed her forehead gently. “I love you, don’t ever forget that.”

  He sighed as she moved away from him and poured her coffee.

  As she sat at the kitchen table sipping the strong brew, watching him prepare the food, she said, “I should help you.”

  “Not unless you want to. I have it under control,” he replied tersely as he continued chopping vegetables for the salad.

  ****

  His parents arrived shortly after that and Grace immediately took Jill in her arms. The two women hugged and cried together.

  “Come, let’s sit down,” Jarrod’s mother said.

  As they sat together on the couch in the sitting room, Jill spoke freely for the first time. “I know people think I’m being a big baby. Women have miscarriages all the time, but I never thought it would happen to me. Jarrod’s and my life was so perfect. I… just can’t help how I feel. I can’t describe the emptiness.”

  “Sweetheart,” Grace said as she smoothed her daughter-in-law’s hair. “I know more than anyone what you’re feeling and it’s okay to grieve. I had three miscarriages before I was blessed with Jarrod. He probably doesn’t even know that. He was my miracle baby. And he’s always felt bad about being an only child, but we were lucky to have him.”

  “I didn’t know, I’m sorry,” Jill said.

  “In time, the pain will lessen.”

  “The doctor said there shouldn’t be a problem with trying again. He said I should be able to carry to term, but I just can’t even think about it yet.”

  “Take your time; you’ll know when you’re ready,” the older woman suggested as she gently rocked her grief stricken daughter-in-law in her arms.

  ****

  As the women were talking in the sitting room, Jarrod and his dad were having a heart-to-heart in the kitchen.

  “I don’t know how to help her. She blames me for not being there with her,” Jarrod said as he poured coffee for the two of them.

  “I think she’s hurting for the loss of the baby more than for the fact you weren’t there,” his father replied as he stirred creamer into his coffee.

  “She can’t stand for me to touch her. That is killing me. She’s such a vibrant, fun-loving woman. And now, she just sits and stares and cries. I want my sexy, fiery wife back.”

  “It takes time, son. Your mother and I never told you, but there were three miscarriages before you came along. Your mom went through a lot of what Jill is going through. Just be there for her. Her mood will improve with time. She’s hurting right now. I know you’re grieving too, but we can’t begin to imagine what it’s like for a woman to lose a child.”

  “I didn’t know that, about Mom’s miscarriages. Is that why I’m an only child?” Jarrod asked in surprise.

  “Yes, and that’s why I insisted your mother get involved in all her volunteer work. She was molly-coddling you and I wanted my son to grow up to be a man, not a mama’s boy.”

  Jarrod laughed. “So that’s why.”

  James Baine replied with a grin, “It worked, didn’t it?”

  “I guess it did.”

  The women came into the kitchen and the men stopped talking.

  “Jill says you’ve made lunch for us,” Grace said brightly.

  “Yes, I did. I made a salad. Let’s eat here in the kitchen.”

  Soon after lunch, Jarrod’s parents left with a promise to stop by again the next day.

  “If you need anything in the meantime, just pick up the phone,” Grace said as they walked out the door.

  “Thanks,” Jarrod said. “And thanks for cutting short your trip for us.”

  “You kids need us and this is where we want to be,” Grace replied as she touched her son’s cheek.

  Jarrod noticed that Jill attempted a smile as she waved goodbye.

  After they’d gone, she said, “I’ll do the dishes.”

  “I’ll help. What would you like to do after that?”

  “Nothing,” she replied.

  He remained quiet as they worked together in the kitchen. When they were finished, he playfully swatted her with the dishtowel.

  She looked at him sadly and said, “I’m sorry, I’m just not in the mood.” She turned and went upstairs to the bedroom.

  He ran up the stairs after her. “Jill, please tell me what I can do to make it up to you. I know I let you down.”

  “Just leave me alone,” she replied tearfully.

  “Jill, do you know what you’re asking me to do?” he asked sadly. She looked up at him, pain etched in her face . He gazed into her eyes and said, “You’re pushing me away. Is that what you really want? Shall I take up residence in one of the guest rooms? Tell me, what the hell do you want? Because I know what I want, I want my wife back.”

  She turned away from him, fleeing to the bedroom, and that night for the first time in their marriage, he slept in another room.

  In the days that followed, they spoke politely to each other when they passed in the hallway. Mealtimes were strained, if shared, and the couple barely spoke to each other, unless it was out of necessity. Jarrod moved some of his clothes and toiletries to the bedroom and bathroom across the hall from the master suite. Sadly, he lay awake at night, hoping for a sign that his wife wanted him back in their bed, but when she gave him no such indication, he resigned himself to the fact his perfect marriage was faltering.

  Jarrod went back to work the next week, but things at home were no better. They continued this way for days, avoiding each other at all costs. The marriage was slowly disintegrating and neither of them had the strength to change it.

  Jill finally returned to work, but she no longer rode with him. She went in later than he did and drove herself. She left the office before he did and by the time he returned at night, she was already in her bedroom with the door closed.

  Days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months. One day they met in the hallway at the office. “Jill, why don’t we have lunch together?” he asked quietly.

  She replied, “If you insist, I will go to lunch with you. Are you trying to keep up appearances so the staff won’t know I’ve become a terrible wife?”

  He grabbed her by the arm and ushered her into his office. He sat her down and as he leaned over her he said, “I don’t give a rat’s ass what the staff thinks. All that matters is the fact that we come and go separately, we don’t take our meals together, and we sleep in different beds each and every night. This has got to stop, Jill. Can’t you see what’s happening to us? Don’t you even care anymore?”

  “I’m sorry. That’s all I can say,” she answered slowly.

  “I think it’s time you talk to someone. I’ll call and set up an appointment for you. Do you want me to come with you or is this something you need to do on your own, like everything e
lse you do these days?”

  “Are you suggesting I need to see a shrink? You think I’m crazy now?” she responded.

  “What I’m suggesting is that you take steps to end this distance between us. I know exactly what you need, but there’s no way I would even think about turning you over my knee at this stage.”

  As she met his steel gray-blue stare, she dissolved into tears. He rushed to her and took her in his arms. “I’m sorry, baby. Maybe I should have been a bit more tactful, but you have to get some help. You aren’t bouncing back from the miscarriage. We can’t go on like this. I don’t know about you, but it’s killing me.”

  “Jarrod, I’m sorry. I can’t help the way I feel. That baby meant the world to me and to you. And now… I just can’t even think about trying again. What if the same thing happens, like it did to your mother? I can’t bear the thought of going through all this again. I don’t know how she did it. She is a stronger woman than I am, that’s for sure.”

  “My mother didn’t give up. She finally had me and I believe we’ll have more babies someday, too. First, though, we have to get back to ‘us.’ We have to get back to where we were or at least to a place we’re both comfortable with. Our lives may never be the same. We may never be that playful, young, married couple who indulges in a slightly less vanilla lifestyle. We may have to change the way we communicate and the way we spend our intimate times. That all remains to be seen, but one thing I know for sure, and that is, we can’t go on like we have been. We’re drifting further and further apart. I won’t stand by and watch you walk away from me any more than you already have. I refuse to let this be the end of our marriage.”

  “I love you, Jarrod, but I don’t know if I can… ever be the wife I was before this happened. It’s changed me. losing our baby has done something to me that I can’t explain. If you want me to see a counselor, I will. You set up the appointment and I’ll go alone the first time. I need to do that. Please understand, that’s my condition,” she finally replied.