Ikigai

by Hildred Billings

  She wants it too. Aiko could feel it in the way her spouse pawed at her, kissed her with heavy lips, and wasted no time getting between her legs. Suited Aiko fine. She wanted it like this.

  The only thing missing from this round of lovemaking was the urgency from Reina’s end. Of course it wasn’t there. She wasn’t needy tonight – not like she could be. Sometimes she was so desirous that Aiko barely knew what was happening before Reina was inside of her and bringing her to orgasm. Tonight Reina was more methodical. She was deliberate in the way she caressed her wife and kissed the curves of her skin. She didn’t even take off her pants until Aiko was practically begging for something more... how could she put it? Conjugal.

  Reina sighed dramatically as she reached into the nightstand, pretending she was so put out that she had to please her wife in this manner that it was ruining the mood. Aiko would have played along, but...

  She was rarely embarrassed these days having sex with her spouse. But for some reason, the moment Reina slipped into her and commented on how easy it was to do, Aiko felt five parts ashamed and two parts satiated.

  “Is this what you wanted?” Reina whispered into her wife’s ear as she thrust inside of her. Aiko closed her eyes and pushed the back of her head into her pillow, relieved to have Reina pleasuring her in the manner she wanted. “Or do you want more?”

  She knew what Reina meant by more. The bed squeaked as Reina showed her wife’s omanko little mercy, reaching deep inside with the appendage she accorded herself. I don’t need her to talk dirty. “Keep doing this,” Aiko said, her words lost to the frenzy they whipped up.

  Neither of them said anything after that. After twenty years together, they knew how to read each other’s body language and utterances. Aiko knew what it meant when Reina grunted and dug her fingers into her wife’s flesh. Just like Reina knew what it meant when her wife sucked in her breath with a trill to her voice. Aiko waited until she heard Reina’s voice go up as well, signaling she was about to orgasm.

  There was nothing special that night. No new toys, positions, role-plays, or even kisses in strange places. It was short, intense lovemaking, the kind they usually reserved for weeknights at bedtime, when their libidos needed to be held over until the weekend and they could experiment at their leisure. But Aiko was content to cling to her spouse’s torso and feel her body be used in this manner. Reina was content as well, as she began orgasming first, her thrusts stalling inside her wife as she gasped in pleasure.

  In the split second before Aiko joined her, she debated whether or not this was what she wanted. Usually she was overjoyed to hear Reina share her femininity in these intimate moments. But that night she had hoped for a strong desire of a different kind.

  “Iku...” Aiko muttered, her body rebelling against her as she came anyway. Just like that, she was washed in sexual fatigue, and she forgot what she was so needy for only ten minutes ago.

  “Ara, dechatta na.” Reina pulled out, her appendage covered in Aiko’s earlier arousal. It made her wife look away and bite her lip. “You were really ready.”

  Frustration budded inside Aiko’s chest. “You make it sound like a rarity...”

  “Not really.” Reina rolled over, letting her wife close her legs before they slipped into an embrace. “But that is exceptional for almost no foreplay. You must’ve been horny all day.”

  Only for things she didn’t understand.

  Reina kissed her wife’s cheek before getting up to clean the small mess they made. Aiko waited in bed, sexually placated but mentally irate. She couldn’t explain why... other than she was getting older, and new experiences called.

  “I love you,” she reminded herself when Reina climbed back into bed. The lights were off and the toy put away. “I’ll love you forever, Reina-chan.”

  “Eh? Why all sentimental suddenly?” They cuddled beneath the covers, their noses only centimeters apart.

  “No particular reason. Kiss me.”

  This time when they slowly, gently made love, Aiko was content. It helped that Reina’s tenderness could melt any frustration her wife felt when left to her own devices – and desires.

  By the time Reina finished running errands for her section chief and reporting those errands on the company cell phone she borrowed, the work day was over and she was told to not bother coming back to the office that night. Luckily she had planned for that, and took her things with her when she left the office earlier that afternoon. Now it was almost six and she was in an area she barely knew, in the dark, and hungry.

  Aiko was working late again, but at least this time she had changed her schedule to teach only two blocks of classes like she was supposed to. Yet it meant Reina had to fend for herself for dinner again, a feat she accomplished by stopping in a chain restaurant near where she finished her errands. Fine with her. She could do her Sudoku puzzles on her phone and then call her girlfriend in Nagoya. It had only been a couple of weeks since their last chat.

  “Is this it? Is the sky falling?” Reina almost forgot Jun’s flair for drama. “Are you the one actually calling me because you want to? My God. You’re a monster.”

  Reina ignored that as she pushed salad around her plate. She sat in front of a window, watching people bundled up in heavy coats and scarves shuffle by in the November chill. Looked like it would be an early winter. “If you’d like, I could hang up.”

  Since Jun was alone in her apartment, due to her girlfriend being on some big trip somewhere, she wanted anything but.

  She also wanted other things. Like phone sex. Reina wasn’t opposed, but it was rather difficult to accomplish while in public. When she told Jun where she was, she heard the lament of a woman who hadn’t been laid since the last time they hooked up in September.

  “Ages since I’ve gone this long,” she muttered. “I’m losing my mind to my libido.”

  “That’s what happens when you go exclusive,” Reina said, referring to the deal Jun made with her girlfriend in exchange for sleeping with Reina. “And when you complicate things.”

  “You like it when things get complicated.”

  “Do I?” Reina snorted. “I don’t think you know me very well if you’re saying that.”

  It was the sort of public-safe banter they got into whenever they talked. Mostly because Reina never knew what to talk about with Jun if sex wasn’t involved. Their entire relationship was based on sex, although they agreed there was a mutual friendship in there somewhere. We’re not gal-pals, though. They had little in common outside of the bedroom. More so than Reina and her wife. Not that Reina had absolutely no heart for Jun’s life, but she preferred to keep their relationship flirtatious. It was one of the surefire things to make her happy, and Jun seemed keen on the idea as well.

  They were still talking when Reina left the restaurant and took a detour through a few alleys toward the station. She was dumped into a residential neighborhood, ambling past closed shops and quiet streets full of families eating dinner and watching TV. Now that there was more privacy, Reina listened to her girlfriend talk about what she had been doing to appease her libido in everyone’s absence. Then she smiled as Jun told her she would be in town within another month, “For somebody’s birthday.”

  “My birthday’s on a Wednesday this year. I can’t imagine you coming in the middle of the week. Plus, I think my wife gets dibs on that day,” Reina said, passing a large park.

  “I’m coming the weekend before. No business. Just for you. By that time I’m gonna need it badly anyway, and I won’t have another chance until after New Year’s. Let’s do it.”

  “Eh? You want the whole weekend?” Reina could swing Saturday night, but she would have to talk to Aiko about Friday. Plus who knew what else would be going on. Work... porn... Reina’s life was a barrel of laughing fish.

  “I want to spoil you. Isn’t that what girlfriends do?”

  “I guess.” That meant Reina couldn’t celebrate her birthday with her wife until after the fact
. Not that forty-two meant shit. “Look, I’ve gotta go. I’ll be at the station soon.”

  Jun was not in a hurry to let go of the only person she could talk sex with. But Reina cut her off, insinuating that she might call back if she got home before her wife. You want phone sex? Reina enjoyed the dirty talk, but...

  Something squeaked in the park beside her. She stopped on the sidewalk and glanced over, her eyes adjusting to a streetlamp shining above a playground.

  There were no children this late and dark, but there was someone enjoying herself as she swung on a swing set as if it were built for her tall and lean body. Reina rubbed her eyes to make sure she saw Shio and not someone who looked like her.

  “Ara?” The young woman stopped swinging, sneakers squeaking against the ground as she brought herself to an abrupt halt. “Is that you, Reina-san?”

  Busted. Reina stepped onto the playground, briefcase in hand. “What are you doing around here?”

  “I could ask you the same question. But I live here.”

  “In the park?”

  Shio rolled her eyes. “No. In those apartments over there.” She pointed toward a dark corner. “What a coincidence seeing you here. Join me?”

  Reina considered the empty swing next to Shio for a good minute, debating whether or not to keep heading home or indulge her new friend – if she really was a friend. “I’m a bit old for the playground.” She preferred more mature playgrounds. Like sex clubs and bedrooms.

  “Nonsense. Nobody’s too old for a swing set.” Shio kicked out her legs and leaned back in her swing to prove her point.

  Conceding, Reina placed her briefcase on the ground and sat in the empty seat. This is weird. She hadn’t sat on a swing set since she and Aiko last played on one years ago in their neighborhood. It seemed like a lifetime ago. When we were young. Thinking that made her feel older than she was.

  No, sitting next to a twenty-year-old made her feel old.

  “See? It’s not so bad.” Shio giggled, her fingers running up and down the chains of her swing. “When I was a kid, the swings were my favorite. You can feel so free in such little space.”

  Reina couldn’t remember what she played on as a child. Did I play on anything? She must have. But her childhood was a blur to her now. She was more likely to remember times with her father than anything in elementary school. Reina wondered how different a twenty-year gap between elementary school experiences was. She probably had cell phone bans in her classes. Handheld games, at least.

  Shio didn’t ask or say anything for a few minutes. She twirled her thin ankles on the gravel, making her sneakers bend and twist like a dancer’s. More giggles, and a smile the size of sky above lit up her face. Whatever she was thinking of – perhaps childhood – made her happier than talking to Reina.

  “Naoki,” she finally said.

  Reina gripped the chains on her swing harder. “Excuse me?”

  Shio glanced at her. “Naoki. That was the name I was born with.”

  “I see.” Why was she sharing this?

  “It was the name of my mother’s best friend growing up. I think she was in love with him. But then he got sick and died, so my mother named me after him. I had a lot to live up to.”

  Reina said nothing. She didn’t know why her parents named her what they did.

  “As you can imagine, it really burned her when I came out as trans and wanted to be called Shio. She thought I was shitting on the memory of her friend. She still calls me Naoki.”

  A strong breeze rattled the chains. Reina looked up, wondering how secure they were.

  “If you changed your name to that of a man’s, what would it be?”

  “Shiran.” Reina didn’t know. She thought about it sometimes, but since she decided she didn’t care about that it didn’t make sense to dwell on it. “Maybe just Rei.”

  “Sou.”

  Words bubbled in Reina’s throat. The same words she garbled every time she thought about the possibility of transitioning. “If I became a man, I could marry my wife legally. That would make her really happy.” Aiko Yamada. Taking the Takeuchi plate off their house gate would be so satisfying, if only because Reina wanted nothing to do with that family. Your daughter married a transman. Now what?

  “That’s another reason I don’t want the surgery.” Shio twisted herself in her seat to face Reina. “If I meet a woman I want to marry, then I can marry her. No problem.”

  “But that’s not the only reason, right?”

  The smile that had lingered on Shio’s face disappeared. “No. There are other reasons.”

  “Scared?”

  “I guess. I mean... I’m a woman, but I don’t feel like I need to be completely female. Does that make sense?”

  “Sure.” Reina knew a thing or two about that. She was female, but didn’t always feel like a woman. Didn’t mean she wanted to have some doctor retool her genitals until she didn’t recognize them anymore. Nothing against those who do, but I like my pussy. Most of the time.

  “I got boobs.”

  “So I see. They are nice.”

  Shio turned away. “Thanks. I didn’t want to get them too big. I tried to imagine how big they would be if I grew them naturally, and went with that.”

  “Smart plan.”

  “But I don’t feel the need to... you know...”

  “Un.” Shio didn’t have to say it – that she didn’t want to lose the genitals she was born with. What she did with them was her business. “Doesn’t make you less of a woman.”

  Another smile. She has the face for it. Some women looked awkward when they smiled like that. Not Shio. She had a visage made for smiling. “I’m glad to hear you say that. Few people share those sentiments.”

  “They can piss off.”

  Laughter echoed in the playground. “Talking to you is easy. You really get where I’m coming from.” She stopped, eyeing Reina from behind a veil of blond hair. “If you were single, I would ask you out.”

  Reina snapped out of her daydream and looked at her. “Are you flirting with me?”

  “Why wouldn’t I be flirting with you?”

  Lips curving into neither a smile nor a frown, Reina answered, “Because you’re twenty damn years younger than me, and it’s kinda weird.”

  “People talk about you with women my age all the time.”

  “They do?”

  “Sure. Everyone knows you and Haruka-san have a thing going on.”

  “Everyone?”

  “I hear all sorts of things as a bartender. They saw you at the sex club. That ain’t private!”

  “Excuse you.” It was true, though. Not too long ago, Reina took Haruka on a date to a private club where things may or may not have happened. May. Definitely may. The plan was to take Aiko and Kaori next time. “She’s older than you anyway.”

  “Only by, what, four years? Maybe three?”

  “When you get to my age, people your age feel like children.” And wrong. So wrong.

  “When you’re my age, people your age are damn sexy.”

  Reina twisted in her swing. “Nani sore?” She didn’t know whether to be flattered or utterly confused.

  “Sure. I like older women. You’re not ashamed of shit and know what you’re doing.” Shio winked. “If you know what I mean.”

  “Things sure have changed from when I was your age.” Back then, Reina was still the most experienced woman she knew. When she hooked up with older women – Dear God they would be in nursing homes now – she was the one teaching them how to have lesbian sex. Not the other way around like young ones today expected. “But if I didn’t know any better, I would say you have a crush on me.”

  Shio shrugged. “Is that something to be embarrassed about?”

  “So you do?”

  “I wouldn’t say you’re my type type. But you’re up there.”

  Reina stared at her, sizing up her body like she would any other woman who showed sexual interest in her.
When you live my lifestyle... But Shio wasn’t an ordinary woman. Having sex with her would not be like having sex with any other woman Reina had done it with before. It wasn’t her fault. She liked her body the way it was, and she shouldn’t have to change it for anyone, least of all Reina. But from Reina’s viewpoint, nothing made her more uncomfortable in bed than someone with a...

  “It’s okay. I know you don’t want me because I have a dick.” She said it! “It doesn’t hurt my feelings. It disappoints me, but I’m not hurt.”

  “I’m... sorry.”

  “Usually it would make me sad, but I never expected you in particular to have interest in it. Lots of women like you have issues with it, and I understand. I don’t like the idea of having sex with someone with a dick either.”

  “Have you?”

  “Have you?”

  Touché. “No.”

  “Neither have I.”

  “I have one sometimes, though.”

  Shio snorted. “I remember you telling me that. Strap-on?”

  “Yes.”

  “Are you wearing one now?”

  “No.”

  The structure of the swing shook as Shio put her weight into a takeoff. “I don’t mind a fake one. But I do have a real one, so there’s that.”

  Reina didn’t say anything.

  “If I were female, would you have sex with me?”

  This time Reina had to say something. “There aren’t many willing women I wouldn’t have sex with.”

  “That doesn’t answer my question.”

  Reina didn’t want to blush, so she blamed the heat in her cheeks on the chilly breeze passing through. “Sure.”

  “Kitaaaa.” Another laugh echoed in the park as Shio swung lazily back and forth. “That reminds me. Do you know the monthly Cross Party?”

  “No.”

  “It’s a big invite-only party for trans people. Any kind of trans. You should come with me this weekend.”

  “But I’m not...”

  “If you’re feeling like a man that day, you should come. You’ll be fine. Not everyone who goes is full-time passing. For some people, it’s their only chance to feel normal.”