Under Pressure (Lessons Learned Book 1)

by Smartypants Romance

  Oh God, I like him. I really like him. I might even lo—

  “Mia, did I do something to piss you off?” Kelsey asks tentatively. “I’m sorry if I did. I’ll try to be better about picking up after myself, okay?”

  I sigh, scrubbing off the last plate before rinsing it in the sink. “I don’t need you to just try. I need you to actually do it.”

  She watches me with wide eyes as I stride out of the kitchen and into my bedroom to change clothes. I need to stop by the store to pick up stuff for Tyler.

  There’s someone who actually needs me.

  Though he’d never admit it.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Tyler

  I turn off the steaming water, wincing as I step out of the shower and twist the wrong way. He got me right in the ribs at one point.

  I have to admit, Erickson’s one hell of a boxer. If he could just get that wildness under control, he’d be great. I’m surprised he’s never tried MMA fighting. That seems like it’d be right up his alley. Now that Marty’s kicked him out, maybe he’ll go for it.

  I open the medicine cabinet and steal two of Ethan’s ibuprofen, swallowing them down quick. My body must still have been in shock earlier, because I swear I wasn’t this beat up when I got home.

  I dress and hobble over to my room, my entire left side protesting at the movement. I sit down heavily on my bed, slumping down on my back to stretch out, but have to dig out something hard from under my shoulder I encounter. My notebook for my Psychology of Motivation class.

  I was working on it this morning before Mia texted about the gym, catching up on the last few days. I flip back through it again, noticing a pattern I refused to admit to myself before.

  Mia. Mia. Mia. Practically every day features her. And even if I didn’t put down my true motivation for whatever the activity was, it likely had something to do with pleasing her, spending time with her.

  I slam it shut, disgusted with myself for how I’ve been acting lately. Mia ended up sleeping over the other night—the first girl I’ve ever let do that. Thankfully, she had to leave early for a tutoring job, otherwise I’d have been tempted to lounge in bed with her all day, despite my resolution the night before to stop sleeping with her.

  It was just sexual exploration, I told myself the following morning. Letting her restrain me, hold power over me—it didn’t mean anything.

  But looking at my Motivation journal now, I know that’s not true. I can’t lie to myself any longer.

  No wonder Lainie thought we were dating. Or why my mom asked about her when she called me the other day. Why Ethan always assumes I’m going out to meet her, never mind that he’s right. And my Motivation professor must assume it too based on this journal alone.

  But all of that isn’t the same as the facts. The facts are that I set out for there to be nothing between us. And that’s how it’s going to be. I don’t do relationships. One person inevitably lets the other down, without fail. That’s how it works. And then you end up with a mess, two lives so intertwined that they screw up everyone around them too. Look at me and my family as Exhibit A.

  But I don’t want to mess anyone up. Be the cause of someone’s misery because of my selfish actions. Because I know myself and I am selfish. I wasn’t lying when I told her that. And she doesn’t deserve—

  A knock at my door startles me out of my reverie. I open it to find Sean, my roommate I rarely speak to. “Some girl’s at the front door for you,” he says, turning around and heading toward the opposite side of the house to his room.

  I walk slowly down the hallway, half dreading who I’ll find.

  Mia’s standing in the empty living room, looking out the sliding glass door to our backyard, and gives me a bright smile as soon as she spots me. “How are you feeling?” she asks, approaching me. She shifts a bag to her other hand to bring careful fingers up to my face where the area surrounding my eye is bruised.

  I stay silent, letting her explore, a wave of pure want for her threatening to undo everything I just decided on. I take a step back, needing her hands off me. I won’t have any willpower if she continues to touch me.

  “I brought you some soup,” she says, bringing a can out of her bag. “Not that you’re sick or anything but I figured you wouldn’t feel well. And here’s some ibuprofen and Icy Hot—”

  “I didn’t ask for any of this,” I tell her, more and more suffocated with each new item she draws forth from the grocery bag in her hand.

  “I know, but—”

  “You’re not my girlfriend.”

  She looks taken aback, eyes wide. “I know that,” she says in a small voice.

  I close my eyes, unable to look at her wounded expression. Marty and Erickson kept saying that word this morning in his office. Girlfriend. Even after repeating that wasn’t what she is. But the idea is the same. I was responsible for her in that gym. And I don’t want that responsibility.

  I don’t want to feel anything. Don’t want this attachment. The expectations that come along with it. And when I inevitably fail at those expectations, let her down… no, it’s better to nip this in the bud now.

  “You made me lose my control today at the gym.”

  “I’m so sorry about that.” She steps closer. To hug me, kiss me, comfort me, I don’t know what, but I back away, the confusion on her face killing a part of me.

  “I can’t do this anymore.”

  Her head tilts, the light in her eyes slowly dying. “Can’t do what?”

  “This… intimacy.”

  “Why?”

  Because I can’t stop thinking about you. Because I crave you like nothing else I have in my life before. And I don’t want to. I ignore her question, instead answering, “We agreed it would be a mutually beneficial arrangement, and it’s not anymore.”

  “Why aren’t you benefiting? Is it something I did?”

  I shake my head. “No, it’s me.”

  Her eyes are pleading. “How can I make it right if you won’t tell me why?”

  I throw my hands up in the air, unsure why she’s prolonging this torture. “There’s nothing to make right. It’s just time for this to end.”

  “I don’t want it to end. I really like you, Tyler,” she admits, complete vulnerability all over her face. “This means something to me.”

  God, how can she bare herself like that to me? I look away, not wanting to see the disappointment that’s sure to show up at any moment.

  The barest touch on my arm has me retreating again. “You can’t hug it away this time.” My voice is harsh, unbending. But I have to be harsh. She won’t get it otherwise. This isn’t a matter of her fixing me. I don’t want to be fixed. I’m fine the way I am. The way I’ve always been.

  She’s silent, a spark in her eye now. I’ve triggered her, but this time my aim wasn’t to rile her up. “Can you not admit you like me?” she demands, her voice rising. “Even the tiniest bit? Is your pride so important? It’s not a weakness to like someone, to rely on them. Love can make you stronger if you let it.”

  Love? Where did love come into play?

  She grabs her coat she’d taken off, struggling to get it on. I automatically reach out to help, then lower my hand, stuffing it into my pocket.

  “I feel like some mistress who realizes things are never going to change,” she mutters. “Except you’re married to the idea of being alone.”

  Her words pierce me, rooting me to the spot. It’s the absolute truth.

  She finally gets her arms through the sleeves, then pauses, simply staring at me. “I thought things were different last time.” Her voice is soft, heartbroken. She must be talking about the other night together. It’s true, they were different. That’s why I have to put a stop to it now. “I thought things were changing between us. I was finally getting through.”

  I concentrate on her words rather than the emotion behind them, the despair on her face making my stomach flip disconcertingly. Doesn’t she know she’s supposed to hide what she’s feeling?
“There’s nothing to get through. I’m not something to be fixed or changed or whatever you’re trying to do to me.”

  “I’m not trying to change you, Tyler, but you have to give a little. Compromise. Otherwise I’m done.”

  “You’re done?” I don’t know why the same sentiment I’ve been saying this whole time coming from her mouth sounds so drastically different, but it tears a hole in me all the same.

  “Yeah. I’m tired of waiting for you to throw me a bone, begging for your affection. This relationship needs to be equal.”

  “This— This isn’t a relationship.” That’s all I can focus on right now.

  She stares at me, her eyes bleak, then shrugs helplessly. “You’re right. It’s not. You made that very clear from the beginning and I only have myself to blame.”

  She turns around and grabs her purse, walking out the door, slamming it shut behind her.

  Her name rises in my throat but it’s blocked, unable to form the words. What would I say anyway calling her back here? She left. That was what I wanted.

  So why is my stomach churning like this, the back of my eyelids suddenly stinging?

  I return to my room and pick up my Geology textbook, fully intending to study, then hurl it against the wall, a chunk of plaster falling onto the carpet.

  Who the hell does she think she is saying she’s done? There’s nothing to be done with. This was never anything. We slept together twice, had a couple hot episodes before that, but that’s it. It’s not my fault she assigned more meaning to it. Like she said, I was very clear from the beginning. It’s not like I led her on… taking her boxing… meeting my family… kissing her to begin with.

  Fuck.

  I drop down on my bed and pull the covers up over me, suddenly too weary to contemplate doing anything else for the day.

  This… this is for the best. Things were getting too entangled, too complicated. I don’t need that kind of messiness in my life.

  It’s better to protect myself. That’s the only way to survive.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Mia

  I pull up to the Yangs’ McMansion, still in a mood from the incident at Tyler’s house earlier.

  It’s like we broke up without ever truly going out. How is it that it seems worse than any boy I’ve actually had a breakup with before? Is it only because it’s so fresh? Or because it meant more?

  But how can I really blame Tyler? He told me multiple times he doesn’t want a girlfriend and I just… hoped he’d change his mind. I’m an idiot, putting my hopes and dreams onto someone who so clearly doesn’t feel the same way. No need for my inner critic to say anything this time. I’m aware of how stupid I am.

  I trudge up the driveway and ring the bell, breathing in deeply through my nose, and exhale through my mouth, centering myself. I went home earlier and baked a chocolate cake, then ate nearly a third of it, dreading having to face Matthew and deal with one more boy who doesn’t want me around, but Mrs. Yang pays too well for me to skip out on jobs.

  She answers the door, impeccably dressed in a fitted white skirt and lemon yellow top, her heels ringing against the marble floor as she leads me to the dining room. I glance down at my jeans and bulky sweater in comparison, but at least I’m warm.

  “Matthew is excited to get started studying,” she says and I roll my eyes behind her back, knowing for a fact he’s not.

  “His test is in a couple weeks. How did he do on the practice one I left last time?”

  She glances back at me, an uncomfortable expression crossing her face. “I am not sure he had a chance to do it. You can ask him.”

  I bite my tongue as she leaves me at the entrance to the dining room, Matthew on his phone as usual. I walk in silently, slamming my bag down heavily, startling him. I internally smirk, liking the feeling of getting one up on him.

  “How’d you do on your practice test?”

  “I didn’t get a chance,” he sighs, leaning an elbow on the table as he props his chin on his hand. “I had to study for AP Bio—”

  “Listen,” I cut him off, completely fed up with his whole attitude. I don’t have time for his nonsense today. “I get it that you’ve got important classes. Everyone does. But if you’re not willing to put in the effort, why am I here?”

  He sits up, paying more attention now. “You’re here so I can pass the SAT.”

  “I’m here to show you,” I clarify. “Not do it for you. Only you can do it. And every single week I come here”—I stab my index finger into the table with each word to emphasize my point—“you’re unprepared and unconcerned. Why should I go to all the trouble of coming here and teaching you when you so obviously don’t value my time?”

  His mouth gapes open, unused to hearing me outright telling him he’s doing wrong, rather than simply hinting at it. Mrs. Yang peeks her head around the corner, but I don’t really care anymore. My personal life is going to hell anyway. Might as well make it complete.

  I grab my bag and he scrambles up out of his chair, worried now. “Where are you going?”

  “I’m not teaching someone who so obviously doesn’t appreciate what I’m offering.” I pause, realizing this blowup is a direct parallel to my one with Tyler earlier. Am I only acting this way because of what happened with him? If I had gone over there and he’d let me tend to him, would I be perfectly content to let Matthew blow off learning anything about the SAT again?

  You know what? Screw the what-ifs. I’m tired of Matthew not taking what I say seriously, so I’m dropping him. I’ll find someone new to tutor, and even if they don’t pay as much as Mrs. Yang, it’s worth it for my sanity alone.

  I’m halfway to the door when I hear her call out, “Mia, wait.” I pause, knowing it would be incredibly rude to leave without explaining anything to her, although I know she overheard us in there. “Here is your check.”

  She tries to hand it to me and I gently push it away. “I can’t accept this. I’m quitting.”

  She steps in closer and lowers her voice. “Please take it. Matthew will not listen to me when I tell him he needs to be studying for the SAT. Maybe he will pay attention now that you have impressed upon him its seriousness. You said it in a way I could not.”

  She pushes the paper into my hand, where there’s double the normal payment on there. How much money do these people have that they can spend this indiscriminately?

  “Thank you,” I tell her sincerely. “He has all the tools he needs, he just needs to apply them. I hope he does well.”

  She nods and opens the door for me. I glance over my shoulder, where Matthew is staring at me from the dining room entryway. “Good luck,” I call out, but he turns his back on me.

  I mentally shrug, relieved to have one less thing to worry about, and get in my car.

  Now I have an entire night to kill, though.

  I have no desire to return home where Kelsey and I have been tiptoeing around each other since my blowup at her earlier. Good lord, how many people have I had it out with today? This has to be a new record.

  Tyler’s not an option, obviously. Neither is boxing. Pretty sure I won’t be welcomed back there anymore. Sure, I could try and find a regular gym that has punching bags, but it’s too associated with him now. Although, it would be kind of nice to imagine punching his face.

  No, bad Mia. Tyler’s always been truthful with his words. It was his actions, his expressions that misled me. I read too much into them, but I won’t make that mistake again. I only need to learn a lesson once.

  I pick up my phone and call Adelaide, asking if I can please come over and pet her cats. She doesn’t even need to entertain me, I just want cat therapy. She laughs and tells me she’d be happy to have me over.

  Once I’m situated on her couch with not one but two purring cats kneading the plush blanket on my lap, I can finally relax.

  “I’ve never met anyone they’ve taken to more instantly than you.” She smiles, watching Finn and Jake contentedly bask on top of me.

  “I
must be a cat whisperer.”

  “They probably sense you’re a nice person. Kind to others.”

  I blow out a breath, recalling how I’ve been burning bridges left and right today. Standing up for yourself is different than being mean, though, right?

  “I actually, uh, wasn’t very nice today. I told my roommate she couldn’t mooch off me any longer, then sort of broke up with that guy I’ve been seeing, then dumped my tutoring client. Oh, and I also got this guy kicked out of his boxing gym.”

  Her brows rise, impressed at how I’ve spent my day. “You didn’t come over here to dump me too, did you? Just don’t take my babies.”

  I grin at her. “No, you’re safe. I’m off the warpath for today.” I stroke Jake’s soft fur as he lets out a sleepy yawn, his pink tongue sticking out slightly when he closes his mouth. If that’s not the most adorable thing in the world, I don’t know what is.

  “What brought all that on?”

  “Everything was a long time coming, I think. The stars just seemed to align today.”

  She curls her finger around Finn’s tail, who stretches out further on my lap in delight. “I agree with the Kelsey thing. She’s been riding that gravy train long enough.” Adelaide has met her a few times when she’s come over to my apartment, but we eventually stopped hanging out at my place because Kelsey would usually come in and take over the living room, then whine when we protested. “What happened with your guy? He was your lab partner, right?”

  I nod, focusing on petting Finn now, tracing the stripes on his coat. “I don’t really want to talk about it.” Ugh, now I sound like him and his refusal to discuss anything semi-meaningful. “I just… I mean… it’s my own fault,” I whisper. “I knew he didn’t want more and I was acting like he did.”

  She soothes her hand along my arm, the contact comforting. “I was worried about that.”

  I sigh. “Yeah, I get too attached to people.”

  “That’s not a bad thing,” she exclaims, shaking my shoulder. “But, you know, just make sure the person deserves it.”