Under Pressure (Lessons Learned Book 1)
Page 23
Either way, I’m on my own cloud, drifting off as he carefully pulls out of me and heads into the bathroom to clean up.
When he returns, he brings me in close to his side, wrapping an arm around my back, encouraging me to cuddle in next to him. Who knew Tyler would be a cuddler?
We’re both silent as we simply revel in each other’s presence. It seems like a hard-won battle for us to finally be here, everything out in the open.
I stroke a hand down his chest, needing to get something off my mind, though. “Do you remember what you said when you showed up here the other night?”
“Yes,” he says warily, sensing my unease.
“Did you mean it all?” My inner critic won’t let it rest, insisting it was all just drunk ramblings, the kind of things a person not in their right mind would say, despite how sincere he’d seemed.
He rolls on his side to face me, burying a hand in my hair to cup the back of my head. His eyes are piercing as he holds my gaze, rooting me in place. “Every bit of it is true.”
My heart eases, a tension I didn’t realize I was carrying lifting off my shoulders. “Ethan said you’ve been miserable.”
He snorts, a brief smile flirting over his lips. “He needs to mind his own business.” He massages the back of my neck and I preen under his attention, his fingers working their magic on the muscles there. “But I’m glad he talked to you, then chewed me out. I needed to hear it. I didn’t… I haven’t…” He blows out a breath, gathering the right words. “I don’t like being dependent on others. Or knowing they rely on me in return.” Discomfort radiates off him, but he forges on anyway. “Realizing how close we’ve become, that you had expectations of me, that I felt like I needed you too… I didn’t like it. So I sabotaged it.”
I rub a comforting hand over his arm, letting him know it’s okay to continue.
“I didn’t want to hurt you, but I had to protect myself. And there was no way to spare you in the process. You wouldn’t let me,” he says, giving a rueful smile. “I realize now that obviously wasn’t the way to go. It did nothing but cause us both misery. I—I’m so sorry, Mia.” There’s true pain in his voice, not that it cancels out what he did, but I understand how your brain can lead you to the wrong conclusions sometimes.
I nod, accepting his apology, and loop my arm around his middle, snuggling further into him. “Just promise me you won’t shut me out again.”
He moves his hand out from under my mass of hair to smooth it down, fingering the curls. “Whether you like it or not, you’re stuck with me.”
“It’s not being stuck if you look forward to it every day.”
He kisses the top of my head, the two of us content to linger in bed here together for the remainder of the day. Thank God it’s spring break, so we don’t have to worry about school or work. It’s pure bliss to be wrapped in his arms like this, knowing we’re finally on the same page, both of us committed to this relationship.
I don’t think there’s a single thing I could find fault with right now.
You still have to write your research paper. You have a test next week in Classical Mythology you haven’t studied for. And your hair probably looks like a crazy mess.
Well, some things never change.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Tyler
“I can come with you. It’s not too late,” Mia tells me, her voice echoing through the car’s speakers. Buried under the concern, the beginnings of anxiety bleed through in her tone, but I have no intention of putting her in any more stressful situations. It’s amazing how well I pick up on little nuances like that now that I’m really paying attention.
“I’ll be okay. But thanks for offering.”
I sit in the driveway of my parents’ house, my car idling, parked behind Dan’s truck. Or should I think of him as Dad now? I don’t know what’s real anymore.
“I’m here for you if you need me for anything.”
I smile to myself, secretly pleased at her caring. Having a girlfriend actually isn’t too bad. Someone to look out for me, share things with. Plus all the hot sex. If there are any drawbacks to being in a relationship, I haven’t seen them. “I love you.” The words are still so new leaving my mouth, yet completely right.
I sense her elation even before she responds. “I love you, too,” she says, her voice soft. “Let me know how it goes.”
“I will.”
We hang up and I take a moment longer to collect my thoughts before getting out of the car. I was hoping Mom would be home, but maybe it’s better to talk to Dan privately first.
After another therapy session with Dr. Friedman, I’m ready to speak to my family. I just needed her guidance on organizing it all in my head. What I should say, what I should keep to myself. It won’t help to go in there guns blazing with accusations all around. I mostly just want some answers. To clear the air.
To start fresh.
I carefully unlock the door and walk in the kitchen, finding Dan at the stove, frying ground beef.
He looks up in surprise at me, nearly dropping his spatula. “Tyler, you startled me. I didn’t even hear you come in.” That’s because I didn’t want him to. “It always surprises me that you can move so quietly for how big you are.” I’m the tallest guy in the family, topping him and my brothers by a few inches. And since I’ve taken up boxing, I’m the strongest out of any of them too. “Your mother took Riley to her Girl Scouts meeting. She won’t be home for a while,” he says nervously when I simply stand there, silent.
I clear my throat, knowing it’s uncharacteristic of me to choose to be alone with him. “I was actually hoping to talk to you.”
“To me?” he asks skeptically, shutting off the burner, the meat only half cooked. “Of course, sure.”
“You don’t have to stop cooking—”
“No, it’s fine.” He wipes his hands on the dish towel slung over his shoulder, but seeing it there doesn’t annoy me as much now. A lot of things don’t seem to irritate me in the same way. It’s like I flipped a switch inside my brain from closed to open. “We could talk at the table,” he offers, turning the corner toward the dining room.
I follow, taking a seat across from him.
“What’s on your mind?” he asks, attempting to keep his eagerness at bay. I can’t blame him. This is probably the longest I’ve gone being cordial to him, especially without Mom or Riley around.
I take a deep breath, still unsure where to start. “A while ago, I overheard you and Mom talking here after dinner. She said she purposely kept me apart from you and Brandon and Dylan back when you guys were divorced. And then I talked to Brandon and he confirmed it.”
He nods slowly, shocked at my sudden choice of topic.
“I always thought you hated me,” I tell him bluntly, looking him in the eye. “That you blamed me for breaking up the family.”
He grips the edge of the table, his eyes wide. “You what now?”
I stay silent, letting him process it. A range of emotions cross his face in quick succession. Shock. Concern. Anger. Sadness.
“Is that why you were always so mad? Why you wanted nothing to do with me?”
I nod.
“You’ve never been to blame for any of that,” he says vehemently. “That was between me and Lynn.” He sighs, scrubbing a hand down his face. “Why didn’t you ever say something? Just ask. I would have told you the truth.”
“I refused to hear reason then. I had my mind made up. And I didn’t want to admit I might… secretly wish for your approval.”
“Tyler.” He looks at me, exasperated. But there’s still affection underneath it. Funny how I never saw it before. “You’re my son. I love you.”
I bend my head down, staring at the table, my eyes suddenly irritated. Must be dust in the air.
He shifts in his chair, looking like he wants to say something else, but doesn’t know how to word it. “How—” He stops to collect his thoughts and tries again. “Why would you think I hated you?”
He tilts his head, genuine confusion on his face. “How did I look at you?”
I blow out a breath, feeling like I’m six years old again, waiting for my brothers to come home Sunday night after a fun weekend at Dan’s. “When you would drop Brandon and Dylan off or pick them up, you’d stare at me. I felt… the weight of it. It was so heavy. Accusing. Resentful.” I pause, closing my eyes, not wanting to witness that stare again. “I started seeing a therapist last week. She said I may have been projecting those things onto you. A way to make sense of my world.”
“I admit, I stared at you,” he says quietly after a moment. “But I just wanted to see you. I knew nothing about you. You had been my baby, then suddenly, you weren’t. I asked for visitation rights in our custody agreement, but it made Lynn so upset, I dropped it.”
A muffled sob escapes me and I quickly cover my mouth to hide my reaction. Did Mia open some kind of emotional reserve within me?
“Hey,” he soothes, reaching out to grip my arm. “It’s okay to let it out. I’m here for you. I’ve always been here for you.”
I bend my head down between my knees, taking long, shuddering breaths. I see Brandon’s point now. Mom really did do a number on me. I know she loves me, but goddamn. How could she have let this happen?
I compose myself after a few moments and look back up at him. “I’m sorry,” I tell him, a gross understatement for everything that’s transpired between us over the years. “If you said any of this before, I wasn’t able to hear it.”
He squeezes my forearm, probably sensing I’m not ready for much more. “I’m the one that’s sorry. For ever making you feel that way, though I promise it was unintentional on my part. And your mother—”
“I’ll talk to Mom about it another time. Privately.” I still have no idea what to say to her.
“So, where does this leave us?” There’s hope in his voice, a small flame of that same emotion springing forth inside me too.
“I—I think there’s too much in the past to hash through. Can we just… start fresh?”
“Yes,” he says, nearly tripping over himself in his haste to respond. “I’d like that.”
“Good.” We sit there for a moment, each unsure how to proceed.
“Were—”
“I—”
We each pause, and I indicate for him to continue.
“I was making tacos for dinner. You’re welcome to stay. Mom and Riley should be home…” He glances up at the clock on the dining room wall. “In about ten minutes.”
I give him a tentative smile. “Sounds good.”
He gets up and heads into the kitchen, but I linger at the table and exhale a lengthy breath once I’m alone. That went… probably as well as it could have. Lifelong questions answered, old wounds in the process of healing. I just can’t believe it took this long to get it all out in the open.
And I have one person to thank for it.
“Hey, good looking.” Kelsey leans against the door in short cutoffs and a tank top, despite it being in the low fifties outside. “You here for Mia?”
“Obviously,” I reply dryly, peering over her head into the apartment.
“She’s in her room.” She hitches a thumb behind her, finally moving out of the way, giving me a once-over as I pass by her. Does the girl seriously have no respect for her friend? “Are those for her?” She motions to the bouquet in my hand.
“Again, obviously.”
She rolls her eyes, mildly offended. “Well, sorry. I was just asking.” She walks to the other end of the apartment and pounds on Mia’s door twice. “Your boyfriend’s here,” she yells, a hint of snot in her voice.
She avoids my gaze as she turns back down the short hallway, but I ignore her, turning the knob to Mia’s room.
She looks at me quizzically from her spot on the bed, taking a pair of AirPods out of her ears. “Tyler,” she says happily, her face transforming when she realizes it’s me. She closes her laptop and sets it on her nightstand. “Sorry, I thought I heard Kelsey’s voice.”
“You did.” I shut the door behind me, blocking out some reality show Kelsey has on in the living room.
“Are those for me?” she asks excitedly, her eyes trained on the flowers in my hand. After leaving my parents’ house, the only thing I wanted to do was come see her. Show her how much I appreciate her, how much she’s brought to my life.
“They’re for you,” I confirm. I kneel on the bed next to her, laying a soft kiss on her lips.
“What for?” She takes a deep whiff of the bouquet, their fragrance just as sweet as her.
“Because I love you.”
She looks up at me, her eyes shining. “You’re setting a dangerous precedent, Tyler. I’ll start expecting this kind of stuff.”
“You should,” I tell her seriously. “You deserve everything.”
She stares at me, her smile slipping. “Okay, now you’re starting to scare me. What’s going on?”
I laugh. She’s right to be suspicious. This change of heart is still new to me too. “Nothing,” I promise her. “I had a really good talk with Dan. Cleared the air on a lot of things.” I tell her everything we discussed, feeling lighter the more I unload.
“That’s great.” She squeezes my hand. “What about with your mom?”
“I’m still working on that.” I’ve had enough heart-to-hearts with my family for one night. I lie down next to her, gazing upon her perfect form. “But I realized I wouldn’t be there having that conversation at all if it wasn’t for you.”
She slides down against her pillow until she’s parallel with me on the bed. “I’m glad I could help.”
“You know, you’re the single best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
Her eyes water at my words, and she frantically wipes at them. “I’m a watering pot around you lately. You keep saying the sweetest things.”
“Making up for lost time,” I murmur, tracing my thumb down her jaw. “When do you want to go on our date?”
“You’ve already taken me out twice this week.” She smiles.
“Third time’s a charm.”
“I think I’d rather stay in tonight.” Her fingers trail down my shirt, toying with the hem.
I scoot closer, taking her in my arms, burying my face in her neck, breathing her in.
“I love you,” she whispers, her voice a sweet melody in my ear.
“I love you,” I repeat, meaning it in a way I never thought I would before the last couple weeks. It’s amazing how much has changed and yet, I’m still the same person. I’d been afraid for so long that opening up would change my identity, turn me into someone else, but all it’s done is improve my life, open me to new experiences and emotions I couldn’t have predicted.
I’m less stressed than I’ve ever been, every day and night with Mia better than the last.
And it’s only the beginning.
Epilogue
Mia
ONE YEAR LATER
I stand in the warm sunshine, a gentle breeze blowing across my back. The birds are chirping, the flowering honeysuckle bush near Tyler’s front door filling the air with a rich perfume. I inhale deeply, hoping that the perfect nature ambiance going on right now is a good sign that the letter I’m holding in my hand has the news I want.
I pull out my phone and text him that I’m at his house, and a few moments later he opens the door, a slightly exasperated look on his face. “Why don’t you just knock?”
I push past him and make my way into his room, avoiding the gaze of his roommate Tom seated on the couch. I wait until Tyler closes his bedroom door behind us to tell him, “I didn’t want Tom to answer the door. He’s been giving me weird vibes ever since he overheard us having sex in the shower.”
“He’s just jealous he’s not getting any,” he says,
coming up to wrap his arms around my waist, nuzzling into my neck. I sigh, melting into him. “He’s confronted with the perfect girl every time you come over. It’s a wonder he’s able to function at all.”
I roll my eyes at his sarcasm, but I’m secretly pleased at the kernel of truth hidden in there. His actions more than make up for his words, though, as he tenderly kisses me. That’s the thing I’ve learned about Tyler. Always pay more attention to what he’s doing rather than saying.
“What’s this?” he asks as he leans back, releasing me.
I hold up the letter still in my hand. “It’s from UMass Boston.”
His eyes widen as he takes a seat on the end of his bed. “What’s it say?”
“I haven’t opened it yet.”
His leg jiggles up and down, nervous energy radiating off him briefly before he shuts it down, clamping his hands on his thighs. See, his actions always speak his truth.
He can’t possibly be more nervous than me, though. We’ve both been receiving our acceptance and rejection letters from various graduate programs we’ve applied to across the country for the last few weeks, and he’s already got an acceptance from Northeastern University, his number one pick. Their Personality, Development, and Health program is perfect for him, and one he’s really excited to be a part of. Well, as excited as he normally gets, at least. Plus, it’s not terribly far from his family. Dr. Friedman really helped him work through a lot of issues he had surrounding his parents, and though there was some resentment at first on his part toward what his mom withheld from him over the years, they’ve worked past it and are closer than ever.
I admit, I’m a bit biased against her after he shared with me everything he discovered, but I’ve been trying to keep an open mind when we go over to visit. His family really is a lot of fun, and it’s nice that they’re so close and have accepted me graciously since my own parents are far away.
“How many letters is this now?” he asks.