A Baby of His Own

by Jennifer Taylor

  He took a deep breath but even though she had rebuffed his earlier attempts to explain, he had to make it clear that the rumours about him and Dee weren’t true. ‘Dee and I are just friends, Lucy. I don’t want you getting the wrong idea about us.’

  ‘Your relationship with Dee has nothing to do with me,’ she said briskly, taking a sheet of paper out of the tray. ‘The lab report on Ben Roberts has come back. They’ve identified Escherichia coli as the source of the infection.’

  ‘Not much of a surprise there, then. It’s the most common of all the bacteria which cause peritonitis because it’s always present in the intestine.’

  Connor took the report from her, trying to hide his frustration at her continued refusal to listen to what he was trying to tell her. Either Lucy didn’t want to believe that he wasn’t involved with Dee, or she really didn’t care.

  His heart sank because the latter option seemed the most likely. He found it difficult to hide how much the idea upset him as he read through the lab’s findings. ‘At least it isn’t MRSA so that’s something to be thankful for,’ he said, forcing himself to stick to the topic under discussion. ‘I know Dalverston has an excellent reputation for infection control, but the number of cases of MRSA are increasing annually and we mustn’t get complacent. The increased level of antibiotics will sort this out, but I’d like the nursing staff to keep a close eye on Ben until things have settled down.’

  ‘Of course. I’ve put him down for extra obs so it isn’t a problem,’ she replied calmly, slipping the lab report back into the file, and the fact that she seemed able to function properly just seemed to prove how indifferent she was to him.

  It made him wonder all of a sudden why she had kissed him with such passion the night before. Had it been a genuine response, or had she used his own passion to get back at him? It was a relief when Sandra knocked on the door to tell them their patient had arrived. He couldn’t handle the thought that she might have been playing games with him.

  They made their way to the high-dependency unit, pausing outside the door to spray their hands with a bactericidal cleanser. Everyone going into the unit was expected to take precautions to avoid cross-contamination and Connor could see that a notice to that effect had been pinned to the door. Lucy had thought of everything, it seemed, and it just confirmed his suspicions that she hadn’t been swept away by the ardour of the moment. Lucy was far too organised to let herself get carried away.

  He forced the thought to the very back of his mind as she handed him a disposable gown then took one off the shelf for herself. Once they were suitably attired, they went into the room. Alan appeared to be very drowsy—a common symptom of bacterial meningitis. He seemed to find it a huge effort to respond when Connor asked him how he was feeling.

  ‘I don’t know…My head hurts…thought the drugs would make it better.’

  ‘They will, but they need time to kick in,’ Connor assured him. ‘You just need to be patient a little while longer.’

  He glanced round as Lucy came back from drawing the blinds. Photophobia—an intolerance to light—was another symptom of meningitis and he could see the boy start to relax now that the room was in semi-darkness. He drew her aside so he could explain what he wanted to do.

  ‘I’d like to get the lumbar puncture done as soon as possible. Can you get everything ready while I explain to Alan what’s going to happen?’

  ‘Do you want me to fetch his parents so they can be with him?’

  ‘His parents aren’t here,’ he said, keeping a tight rein on his emotions. ‘He lives in one of the local authority homes so he was brought here by a care worker. I’m not sure what’s happened to the guy now—he’s probably in the relatives’ room.’

  ‘Oh, I see.’ She shot a sympathetic glance at the boy. ‘I’ll leave it for now, then. He can come and see Alan after we’ve finished.’

  ‘That might be best.’ Connor turned to the boy as she moved away, trying not to think about the sympathy he’d seen in her eyes just now. It wouldn’t help him maintain the emotional balance he needed if he dwelt on it.

  ‘Right, Alan, we have to find out exactly what is making you so ill, so I’m going to do something called a lumbar puncture. All it means is that I’m going to take a little fluid from around your spinal cord.’

  ‘Are you going to stick a needle in me?’ the boy asked, looking scared to death.

  ‘I’m afraid so, but it won’t take long. And once I’ve managed to get some of the fluid I need for the tests, that will be it for now.’

  ‘Promise?’ Alan whispered fearfully.

  ‘Cross my heart and hope to die!’

  He made a cross over his heart, earning himself a wan smile for his efforts. Lucy had the tray all ready for him and she helped him roll the boy onto his side and place him in position with his chin tucked into his chest and his knees drawn up so that the vertebrae were drawn apart.

  Connor quickly anaesthetised the skin over the lumbar spine with a little local anaesthetic then used a hollow needle inserted between the vertebrae to draw off some spinal fluid. Lucy covered the puncture site with a sterile dressing as soon as he’d finished, then they made the boy comfortable again.

  ‘Well done! You were really brave,’ Connor told him. ‘That’s the worst bit over so now I’m going to leave you to rest while the lab tests this sample. Staff Nurse Adams will be here if you need anything, and Mr White is still here if you’d like to see him.’

  ‘No.’ Alan closed his eyes. ‘I don’t want to see anyone from that place.’

  ‘Then you just lie there and try to sleep.’ Connor didn’t say anything else as he left the room. He was afraid that anything he did say might be too revealing. Alan obviously wasn’t happy in the care home and he understood why, too.

  He knew from his own experiences what life was like for a child in care. You could feed and clothe him, make sure he went to school and had the right medical treatment to keep him healthy, but you could never make up for the fact that he didn’t have anyone who loved him. Love was the biggest single ingredient a child needed to be happy, and that was why he was determined that his own daughter would always be surrounded by people who loved her.

  He sighed. Even though he had made up his mind what he intended to do, it didn’t mean it was going to be easy to achieve his objective. He still had to convince Lucy that he was sincere about his intentions. He could understand why she was so wary. Nothing he had done in the past had inspired confidence in her about his ability to make a long-term commitment. But somehow he had to make her understand that he only wanted what was best for their daughter.

  That he wanted what was best for Lucy too was a very different matter, of course. He’d given up any rights to have a say in her life when he had left England. The best he could hope for now was that they might become friends one day.

  The thought of them being friends made him feel very strange. Deep down, he knew that being Lucy’s friend would never be enough.

  The week came to an end at last and the weekend arrived. As it had been Lucy’s first week back at work, Saturday was taken up with housework. She had been planning to take Izzy to the park but the weather was dreadful and, apart from a quick visit to the local shops, they didn’t go out.

  She got Izzy out of her cot on Sunday morning and gave her some cereal. Connor had told her on Friday afternoon that he would come round at two o’clock and she couldn’t help feeling nervous at the thought of his impending visit. Had she been right to agree to let him see Izzy, or should she have refused? She couldn’t decide—there were too many reasons for and against. All she could hope was that she wouldn’t live to regret her decision.

  In an effort to calm herself down, she got Izzy dressed and put her in her pram. Although the weather wasn’t marvellous again that day, it seemed preferable to go out rather than sit there, worrying herself to death. They headed for the playground so Izzy could play on the swings. Their route took them alongside the river and Lucy could see th
at the banks had been breached in several places by the rising water level. Her flat was only a short distance from the river and she uttered a heartfelt prayer that the water wouldn’t rise much further. She didn’t need her home flooded to add to her woes!

  She took Izzy home again and gave her some lunch then put her down for a nap. It was barely one o’clock when the doorbell rang and she groaned, knowing it had to be Connor. She still wasn’t sure if she was doing the right thing, but now she would have to let him in.

  ‘Izzy’s having a nap,’ she told him shortly as he stepped into the hall. ‘I’ve only just put her down so I don’t want to wake her just yet.’

  ‘That’s fine. I know I’m early, but I had to go into work to check on Alan Johnson. His temperature spiked again through the night and Bea wanted me to take a look at him,’ he explained, following her into the sitting room. ‘I couldn’t see any point driving all the way home and then having to come back here so I apologise if I’ve inconvenienced you.’

  ‘You haven’t inconvenienced me. I would just prefer it if you would stick to the time we’ve arranged in future so that we both know where we stand.’

  ‘Of course. It won’t happen again, I promise you.’

  He sat down on the sofa and after a moment’s hesitation Lucy sat down as well, wishing that she hadn’t sounded so defensive. Did she have to make it quite so obvious how nervous she was?

  ‘Look, Lucy, I don’t want there to be a whole load of friction between us every time I come to see Izzy. It won’t do her any good if she hears us arguing all the time.’

  ‘I am not arguing. I’m just making it clear that I expect you to stick to a few basic rules.’

  ‘Really? So that’s why you jumped down my throat, is it? Because I’d broken one of your rules? In that case, maybe you should tell me what other rules you’ve dreamt up so I don’t break them as well.’ He laughed sceptically when she didn’t reply. ‘Why not be honest and admit that you don’t want me here, do you?’

  ‘No, I don’t. And can you blame me?’

  ‘Because I went off to America and left you? But I never lied to you, Lucy. I was completely honest about my intentions. You always knew that my career was important to me and that I wouldn’t allow anything to stand in the way of achieving my goals.’

  ‘Which is why I am so sceptical about these newly discovered paternal feelings you claim to have for Izzy,’ she shot back.

  ‘It’s not a claim. It’s the truth. I intend to be a proper father to her.’ He stood up abruptly and went to the window, and she could see the tension in the long, elegant lines of his back. Part of her wanted to believe that he was telling her the truth, but the more cautious side needed proof.

  ‘Why? That’s what I don’t understand, Connor.’ She shrugged when he glanced round, trying to ignore the ache that filled her heart when she saw the hurt in his eyes. She couldn’t afford to worry about his feelings when Izzy’s happiness was at stake. ‘You’ve never struck me as someone who needs other people in your life, and certainly not a child. You’re completely self-sufficient.’

  ‘Maybe that was true once, but people change. I’ve changed since I found out I had a daughter.’

  He sat down again. Lucy could tell that he was hoping that would be the end of the matter but she needed to be sure that he had thought everything through properly.

  ‘Having a child does change your life, and that’s what worries me most of all. I’m not sure if you really understand what it takes to be a good father.’

  ‘I’m not sure either, so that makes two of us.’ He dredged up a smile but there was a wealth of sadness in his eyes. ‘I never had much chance to find out, I’m afraid. My own father died when I was just a baby so I never knew him. My mother remarried when I was six and my stepfather certainly wasn’t interested in being a father to me.’

  ‘I had no idea,’ she said softly, somewhat stunned by the admission. Connor had always refused to talk about his family whenever she had asked him about them in the past. At the time, she had seen it as a sign that he’d wanted to maintain his distance from her, but maybe there had been another reason. Had it been too painful for him to talk about them, perhaps? She sensed it was so, and the thought that she had misjudged him was very hard to accept.

  ‘Why should you?’ He shrugged. ‘I never talk about my family, mainly because there’s nothing to talk about. Suffice to say that my mother had me taken into care after she remarried and I haven’t seen her or my stepfather since.’ He gave a bitter little laugh. ‘My credentials for being a good parent leave a lot to be desired, don’t they?’

  ‘But that’s awful!’ she exclaimed in dismay. ‘How could your mother have done such a dreadful thing?’

  ‘I have no idea and, to be brutally honest, I really don’t care. She’s not part of my life and she hasn’t been for a very long time now. However, if my experiences taught me anything, it’s that I don’t want my child to grow up thinking that she isn’t wanted. I care about Izzy. I care an awful lot, which is why I came back to England to see her.’

  He leant forward in his seat and she could see the determination in his eyes. ‘I didn’t come back here to hurt you, Lucy. I know I was angry with you to begin with, but that’s in the past. All I want now is to have the chance to be a proper father to Izzy. So will you let me do that? Please?’

  Connor held his breath. He knew the situation could go either of two ways. Either Lucy would believe him and agree to let him share in Izzy’s future, or she wouldn’t.

  Quite frankly, he didn’t know what he was going to do if it was the latter. He could carry out his threat and apply for access through the courts, of course, but that would only alienate Lucy even more. He couldn’t bear to think that she might end up hating him one day.

  ‘It’s not that I don’t believe you’re sincere about this, Connor. I just can’t help worrying if you really understand what you’re taking on.’

  He blanked out that thought. He couldn’t deal with it when he needed to focus all his energy on convincing her that he could be a good father to their daughter. ‘I’m the first to admit that I know very little about raising a child, but I can learn. That’s what all parents have to do, surely? They have to learn how to adapt.’

  ‘But that’s my whole point. Can you adapt? Can you put Izzy first and your career second?’ She brushed back her hair and he could see the worry in her eyes. ‘I know how driven you are, Connor. Your job is your life, and there’s no room in it for anything else, is there?’

  ‘Yes, I can adapt. I have the best reason in the world to do so.’ He captured her hands and held them tightly, needing to convince her. ‘I swear on my life that I will never do anything to hurt Izzy!’

  ‘I know you mean that now, but what’s going to happen a few years down the line?’ She paused then hurried on because it needed to be said. ‘What if you meet someone and she isn’t interested in having Izzy around, for instance?’

  ‘That will never happen,’ he said firmly, because it was true. He couldn’t imagine ever getting close to a woman again after what had happened with Lucy. He wouldn’t want to. He would be constantly comparing her to Lucy and it would be cruel to do that when he knew in his heart that no one else could ever match up to her.

  The thought sent a tremor scudding through him and he cleared his throat. ‘It won’t happen,’ he repeated.

  ‘I’m sorry, Connor, but you can’t make promises like that.’ She carefully withdrew her hands. ‘You don’t know what’s going to happen in the future or how you are going to feel.’

  ‘Neither can you.’ He sat back in his seat, trying not to feel hurt by her withdrawal. There was no point comparing the way she behaved towards him now to how she had behaved in the past. He had accepted that they could never go back to the way things had been, so why did he feel so bereft?

  ‘What do you mean by that?’

  ‘That you can’t say how you’re going to feel in X amount of years either.’ He laughed, c
lamping down on his emotions because he couldn’t afford to weaken. ‘Who’s to say that you won’t meet someone and decide that he is more important than Izzy? As I know to my cost, it can and does happen.’

  ‘It will never happen to me! I love Izzy and I will be there for her for as long as she needs me!’

  She shot to her feet, obviously upset that he should have compared her to his mother. Connor stood up as well, knowing that he should apologise yet unsure if it would be wise to do so. He’d already told her far more about himself than he would normally have done and he didn’t want to compound his errors by making himself even more vulnerable.

  ‘I didn’t come here to argue with you, Lucy, so I suggest we agree to disagree.’ He glanced at his watch. ‘Is it time to wake Izzy up yet? You were the one who was so keen to stick to a timetable—remember?’

  ‘I’ll go and see.’

  She spun round on her heel, making it clear that she hadn’t forgiven him, and he sighed. He certainly didn’t believe that she was like his mother. In fact, if he’d had to choose someone to have his child then he couldn’t have chosen anyone better than Lucy.

  His heart ground to a halt as that thought sank in. He’d been so angry when he’d found out that she had kept his child’s existence a secret from him that he hadn’t been able to think about anything else. Now, all of a sudden, he could see the situation clearly and he realised with a jolt that he was glad that Lucy was the mother of his child. Even though they hadn’t planned on having a child together, it was the best thing that could have happened.

  He looked round as she came back into the room with Izzy and a feeling of euphoria suddenly filled him. Ever since he’d been put into care, he’d been alone. Now he had a daughter to love and he would never be lonely again. His whole life had changed for ever. All the dreams he’d had for the future, all the goals he’d set for himself, no longer seemed important any more. What was important now was Izzy, and how her life turned out.

  She would never feel lonely as he had done. She would never experience the pain of rejection that had haunted him. She would never have to prove her worth by succeeding at her career. She would always know that she was loved, wanted and cherished for herself. And if one day Lucy decided that she was glad he was Izzy’s father then his happiness would be complete, although he had to be prepared for the fact that it might never happen.