Not Looking For Love: Episode 2

by Bourne, Lena

  He walks over to me and places his hands on my shoulders. "You're leaving today too, Gail, remember? It's what Mom would have wanted."

  I lean against his chest and let him hold me. "I know."

  "It's for the best, sweetie. You'll feel better once you get some distance," Dad says and lets me go. "We'll have dinner when I get back next weekend."

  He's wiping away tears. I still haven't cried since that morning in Scott's arms. He must have called me at least twenty times since then, but I haven't returned any of his calls. I can't give him what he wants, not now, just as I knew I couldn't all along. And he deserves someone better than a broken, emotionless mess like me.

  I spend the rest of the day packing. Later, when the car comes to pick him up, I kiss my dad goodbye and watch him drive away.

  I shudder when the grandfather clock chimes four just as I'm closing the door. The silence that erupts once the chiming stops descends on me like a thick black shadow. I run to get my suitcases, stuff them in the car and am speeding away five minutes later.

  I park next to the cemetery gate and walk purposefully to my mom's grave. She's not really here, but it's the only place I know to visit her, to say goodbye.

  At the grave, I clear away some of the rotted flowers then sit down beside the gravestone. I imagine she's next to me, that we're still at home, in bed, watching a movie, laughing. But it's no good; the image flitters away before I have a good grasp on it. All I see is her glistening eyes staring at the ceiling, seeing nothing. She's not here, she's not anywhere.

  "Bye, Mom, I'll come see you again soon." I stand up and brush the dirt from my pants.

  I turn around to get back to my car, and my breath freezes in my throat. Scott is walking with an older man along the path between the gravestones a few rows down. Kate's boyfriend is walking alongside another man a few steps before them. A second ago, I could still turn my back, but now it's too late, he's already seen me.

  Scott stops and stares at me, but I'm too far to see his eyes, too far to feel his gaze. The older man stops too and looks at me, then smiles and nods as though to say hello. I nod back reflexively, and then Scott's walking towards me, and I want to run away, but he's blocking my path.

  "Gail, how are you?" he asks as though I hadn't been ignoring his calls for the past week.

  "Not great," I say, because it's the truth.

  His eyes flick to my mom's grave. "Henderson? Is that your last name?"

  "Yes," I say realizing just how little we know about each other, and how well that fits with the impossibility of whatever we started continuing, like it's a sign that I'm doing the right thing letting him go.

  "What's yours?" I hear myself asking anyway.

  "Turner."

  "And that was your father?" I ask, glancing back along the path. Kate's boyfriend has stopped and is glaring back at us, but the other two are still walking away. "And your brothers?"

  "Yeah," Scott says, looking at my lips and not my eyes.

  "Where's your mom?" I ask, not really wanting to know.

  "She's here too," Scott says, and I absolutely don't want to know the rest. "It does get easier, I promise."

  I want him to hold me and I don't, until the opposing desires feel like I'm being drawn and quartered.

  "How long ago did she die?" I ask.

  "It'll be thirteen years in November. Today would've been her birthday," Scott explains, and the way he can do that without his voice cracking kindles my hope. But it's not enough to break through the darkness.

  "Come on already, Scott!" his brother yells.

  "I'll be right there," Scott calls over his shoulder, then turns back to me. "I have to go and have some early dinner with them, but do you want to get together later?"

  I press my hands into my pockets, so I won't touch him. "I can't. I'm going back to school now."

  A sadness passes though his eyes, which are grey like an overcast winter's day in this light. "And where's that?"

  "Stanford," I lie. It's for the best. I might only be going as far as Connecticut, but it will be easier for Scott to let me go if he thinks I'm on the other side of the country.

  "That's in California?"

  I nod.

  "Pretty far," he says.

  "Scott!" his brother calls again.

  "Look, I have to go. But you can call me sometime, if you want."

  "Sure," I say and turn back to gaze at my mom's grave. He'll understand my need to escape eventually; he did the same to Janine when she needed him.

  When I look up Scott is already walking away, arguing with his brother. I don't hear his words, just the sound of his voice.

  I feel like my heart is buried in the grave behind me, rotting in the ground, already nothing but a shriveled, oozing black mess. I cannot love anyone ever again with my heart gone. But it is what it is.

  A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR

  Thanks for reading! This story unfolds over a series of episodes in the form of short novels. The next episode of Not Looking For Love will be out in two weeks. Please sign up for my mailing list at http://eepurl.com/5-Prj to find out as soon as the next part becomes available. In the meantime, if you enjoyed this book, please consider leaving a review to help other readers find it. You can do so on Amazon.com and Goodreads. It only takes a minute, but it makes a world of difference!

  About the Author:

  Lena Bourne is a young writer, but she has seen her fair share of the world, of love and loss, and all that happens in between. Now she's here telling the stories you might otherwise have missed, which all are made up, of course, but could very well be real and true. Not Looking For Love is her first serial, a steamy New Adult romance, which will be released in five installments over the next few months.

  www.lenabourne.com