EXONERATION (INTERFERENCE)

by Kimberly Schwartzmiller

“I went to see her, to apologize, like you said. Clear my conscience, closure, whatever you want to call it. She was married and very pregnant. She’d grown up a lot. She um, she set me straight on a few misconceptions about that night. Evidently, I was too drunk to remember anything clearly. And, just as I started to apologize to her, she broke down crying. I thought I’d made a huge mistake by dredging up old memories for her, but suddenly she was the one apologizing to me. She told me she was the one that forced the issue. I only tried to get her to drink with me, to drown our sorrows. She said I didn’t force myself on her, that in fact, she was the aggressor. I didn’t believe her at first. I spent years having nightmares about her torn gown and the blood on her thighs. And when I asked her about that, she told me she wanted me to think I’d taken advantage of her so that I’d stay with her. She made me believe I’d raped her so that I’d feel guilty and we could run off together.”

  “How could she do that to you? If she loved you…”

  “She’d been abused by her father for years. I didn’t know that. No one knew that. She knew my father…and how he was, and thought we could both use a fresh start. I don’t blame her.”

  “But, you turned yourself in for a rape you didn’t commit. You went to Juvenile Hall for two years!”

  “Yeah, and I got my GED while I was there. I never would have finished school if it hadn’t been for that.”

  “You’re much more forgiving than I would have been.”

  “There’s nothing to forgive. We both had it rough as kids, but honestly, she had it so much worse. I never knew. She had three abortions because her father wouldn’t stop using her. It’s amazing she turned out so well. She’s actually happy now. She’s married to a really nice man who obviously loves her.”

  “That’s good. So, now you can stop feeling guilty about…that.”

  “Yes and no. I still feel bad for her. I wish I had known.”

  “What could you have done? You were a kid. You had your own problems.”

  “Yeah, well as bad as my father was, he never molested me.”

  “Did you come back for his funeral?”

  “Yeah. I saw you there.”

  “I didn’t see you. I looked for you, hoping to see you. I wanted closure, too,” I admitted.

  “I couldn’t bring myself to talk to you that day. I watched from the top of the hill over-looking the cemetery. I stayed around a few days and watched for you. I did come back a few times, but every time I did, you were with him. I didn’t want to ruin your life again.”

  “I didn’t have a life without you. I married Parker because,” I shrugged my shoulders “…I didn’t know what else to do. Suddenly I had a baby and the thought of raising her alone terrified me. I was so afraid I’d resent her because every time I looked into her eyes, I saw you. I needed a buffer, I guess. I hated and loved you so much that I didn’t trust myself to be alone with her at first. The nightmares started again and my mom was practically living here, in this room every night. She took care of Shannon those first three weeks, and finally, I realized I needed to grow up. She was my baby and I didn’t want to raise her here, under my parents’ watchful eyes. They would have taken over. They meant well, and they only wanted to help, but I needed to be her mother.”

  “You still would have been her mother. You’re a wonderful mother.”

  “Don’t get me wrong. I loved her from the moment I saw her. But I knew I needed to grow up, and I couldn’t do it from my childhood bedroom. I thought agreeing to marry Parker would make me a grown-up. I didn’t realize that I’d just gone from one crutch to another. I almost left him the morning after…”

  “The morning after what?”

  I sighed. “I didn’t, I mean, I didn’t want…him. I just wanted to be able to say I was married and have a place to raise my daughter. But, I was married, and after three months, Parker wasn’t willing to wait…any longer.”

  He looked away. “I don’t really want to hear the rest.”

  “I know. I don’t really want to talk about it. But, I need to.”

  He turned back to me and said, “I’m listening.”

  “Parker loved me, I knew that. But, I never loved him. He was good to me and I guess I figured I owed him. But, I couldn’t go through with it. I kept putting him off. At first I told him I needed to heal after childbirth and he agreed to wait until I was released from my doctor and I was physically and emotionally ready. But, that day never came. I lied to him for weeks. When he found the release from my doctor stating it was okay for me to return to normal everyday activity, he confronted me with it. I didn’t know what to say.”

  “Did he force you?” he asked, his hands balled into fists.

  “No, he um, he did something worse. He was understanding and kind. He helped around the house, brought me flowers, took me out to dinner with no expectations whatsoever.”

  “He had ulterior motives.”

  “I know. But, I was his wife…am his wife. When I agreed to marry him, I was only thinking about providing for Shannon and trying to learn how to forget about you. That was really hard to do every time I looked into her eyes…your eyes. I thought it would be easy. Just close my eyes and pretend I was on a tropical island or something. But, any time he got close to me, I couldn’t stop myself from shuddering and pulling away.”

  I straightened the blankets around me. “One day he called me from work and told me to get dressed up for a night on the town. He’d asked my mother to babysit and he’d arranged a limousine to pick us up. He planned everything perfectly. Dinner, dancing and then a Broadway show. I actually had fun and he never pushed me. By the time we got home, I realized I’d had a really nice evening. He can be charming when he’s not so full of himself. He made that night all about me, choosing my favorite restaurant, having them play my favorite songs and then taking me to see a play I’d wanted to see for years. When we got home and we walked upstairs together, I assumed he’d want… But, he didn’t ask and he didn’t seem put out that I didn’t offer. He said he had a wonderful evening and said goodnight outside of my bedroom. And then he walked down the hall, smiled at me and went into his room.”

  “I felt so guilty. We’d been married over three months and I hadn’t let him touch me, not so much as a kiss, except the one mandatory kiss at the wedding. I went into my room and opened my dresser to get out some pajamas and found a negligee my sister bought for me.” I looked up at Shane with tears in my eyes. “I didn’t want…him, I just felt I owed him. You were gone and I had to face it.”

  “I’m sorry, Rebecca. I wish I could have changed things.”

  “You did. You changed everything. I never wanted Parker, but before you, I could tolerate him. I’d accepted him as an uninvited part of my life, but a part of it, nonetheless. When you left, I shut myself off. I didn’t feel anything anymore. So, when I was…with Parker, I wasn’t on a deserted island, basking in the sun, I was in a dark room, forcing myself to keep you out of my head. I knew that would be worse than imagining a sunset or something. So, I learned to shut out everything. I guess Parker got tired of sleeping with a corpse, and soon I suspected he was seeing another woman. I knew I should have been angry, but I was just so…relieved. He tried to hide it at first, but when it became obvious by the phone calls, texts and the smell of perfume, he realized I knew. He apologized, of course. But, I told him it was okay. I told him I knew I wasn’t giving him what he needed, and as long as he kept that part of his life away from Shannon, I gave him my blessing.”

  “And he was okay with that? Your acceptance, I mean?”

  “No, he got angry. Seems he was purposely trying to make me jealous, but I didn’t fall for it. He was crushed that I didn’t care that he was sleeping with half the women in his office, among others. But, I honestly didn’t care. I was grateful to them. That’s when he ordered me to move into the master bedroom with him. He said we needed to learn to be a real couple, and that we needed to work on our marriage. He reminded me that you were gone and tha
t he’d stuck by me through everything. He said we didn’t have to do anything but sleep; that the rest would come, but it didn’t. Not for me. I never let him touch me again, and, I moved back into my room a week later.”

  “He didn’t fight you on it? I would have!”

  “You wouldn’t have had to,” I said, and blushed.

  “Why are you telling me this?”

  “Because, Parker really believes that there’s a chance that this is his baby,” I admitted quietly.

  He looked into my eyes for the truth, and as my eyes filled with tears he said, “He’s your husband. And as much I hate the thought of him touching you, I’m hardly in any position to complain that you slept with him.”

  I took a deep breath and said, “But, that’s just it. I wasn’t with him, I closed my eyes and pretended every touch, every kiss…was from you.”

  He didn’t say anything, just stared at me with longing in his eyes.

  “The worst part was that he really thought we connected, like he finally got through to me. That was the worst thing I’ve ever done.”

  “Rebecca, Parker’s always known you don’t love him.”

  “No, that’s not true. I’ve told him…over and over again, but he never really believed it. He honestly believes that you were just a fling and that he’s always been my true love.”

  “He’s delusional, then.”

  “Maybe, but the fact is, he believes this baby is his, and he’s going to fight me tooth and nail for custody.”

  He stood up and paced the room, lost in thought. Finally, he sighed and turned to me, “Um, I hate to ask, but if you were with him, then how do you know the baby’s not his?”

  “It was the night after you kissed me in the park. Shannon told everyone at dinner that her friend, the vet, kissed me.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay. But, Parker broke down and begged me to try and make it work. He was so hurt. I felt so guilty…not for kissing you, but for lying to him, and everyone else. I didn’t want to tell anyone you were back. It was my secret. I knew that once they knew, I’d have to stop seeing you. But, he was so hurt, and I felt so guilty for lying, and for wanting you, that I simply led him upstairs and…”

  “I don’t want any details.”

  I looked down. “Believe me, you were there.”

  He swallowed hard and said, “But, just because you imagined…me, doesn’t mean it’s not his baby,” he said.

  I rolled my eyes. “I know that. But, I used my diaphragm that night.”

  “But, not with me?”

  “Um, I don’t carry it with me, and I wasn’t planning on being alone in your apartment that morning.”

  “What about the next day, in your room?”

  I shook my head. “The only reason I got the stupid diaphragm at all was to show intent. I figured that maybe he’d be out of the mood by the time I managed to put the stupid thing in. It’s kind of a pain, but I remembered to use it the one night…with Parker. The only thing I think about when I’m with you…is you.”

  He leaned over to kiss me just as my bedroom door opened.

  “DAD!”

  “Don’t dad me, young lady. This is still my house. The door stays open!”

  I rolled my eyes and yelled, “Shut the door…” but he was gone.

  Shane got up and shut and locked the door, smiling as he walked back over to the chair.

  I looked up at him and said, “So um, what else did you do in New York?”

  “It was all I could do to keep up with my homework. I was taking so many courses at once, trying to stay busy and keep my mind off you that I didn’t have time for anything else.”

  “Um, you obviously had some…free time,” I said, and blushed.

  He touched my cheek and said, “God, I missed that blush.” He sat back and said, “I told you, I was busy with school. I didn’t have time for much else.”

  I looked down, not wanting to pry, but wanting to know if there had been someone in his life. I took a deep breath and said, “Was there…someone?”

  “Someone?”

  “Yeah, six years is a long time.”

  “You mean to be celibate?”

  I nodded.

  “I won’t lie to you, I slept with some women, but I never had a relationship with any of them. It was just sex.”

  “You um, you…learned a lot,” I swallowed hard, waiting for the heat to fill my cheeks.

  “Some. I um, I’d love to crawl in there and show you just how much, but besides the fact that we can’t hurt the baby, I’m finding myself very lucky just to be sitting at your side in this house…in this bedroom. I don’t want to push your father too far. It was nice that he called me.”

  “He called you?”

  “Yeah. He called me from the hospital and told me you needed me. He shocked the hell out of me.”

  “Why would he do that? He hates…”

  “I know he hates me. I hurt you, and for that I’m sorry. But, Rebecca, I’ve never stopped loving you. I know I shouldn’t have taken the money…”

  “But, you did…and you left me.”

  “I wrote every day! I was so angry. I didn’t know who set me up, I was confused and I kept waiting for you to write back, or visit me. I paced day in and day out. If I wasn’t writing to you, I was pacing. At first I was so hurt that you didn’t write back, and then I figured that your parents might be the reason, so I kept writing. I knew one day, you’d pick up the mail…you’d find a letter. But, you never did. I never heard from you. I was devastated.”

  I had tears in my eyes, “I didn’t know. They told me you left. I got the one letter that you wrote telling me goodbye; that was it.”

  “I wrote a few of those. I was letting you off the hook. But, if you read those,” he said, pointing at the bundle of unopened letters sitting on my nightstand, “you’ll know how messed up I was. I didn’t know what to do! One day I’d write that you were better off without me, and the next letter would beg you to come see me. When I got out and found out you were married, I knew I was going to fight to get you back, but when I saw you in your yard, and you looked so happy, I couldn’t do it. I walked away. I left for New York the next morning.”

  “I wasn’t happy. You should have…”

  “I know that now. I’ll never leave you again. I’ll never doubt you again. I know you love me,” he said, searching my eyes for the truth and waiting for confirmation that I wasn’t ready to give.

  I looked down. “I’ve always loved you…but it’s not enough, Shane.” I couldn’t blame him for leaving me any longer. That wasn’t his fault. But, he took the money, and whether or not he came back for me, he kept it. Shannon came bounding through the room at that time, jumping on my bed.

  “Shannon, don’t bounce on the bed, Honey. Your mom needs to rest,” Shane told our daughter.

  “Why?” she said, bouncing up and down.

  “Shannon, you need to be careful, okay?” he said, reaching for his daughter.

  She jumped back and landed on my bruised ribs. “Ow, Shannon!” I snapped.

  “SHANNON!” Shane said, pulling her off the bed.

  She looked up at him and said, “I don’t have to listen to you.”

  He looked at me, waiting for me to tell her the truth. The six years of loneliness ran through my mind, preventing me from allowing my daughter to get any closer to a man that could hurt her so badly, even if he was her father.

  “Apologize to Shane and then why don’t you go play for a while? Shane and I need to talk some more.”

  She looked up at him and said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I just like jumping on the bed.”

  He knelt down and said, “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I just didn’t want you to hurt your mom. She’s supposed to rest.”

  “Is she sick?”

  “Shannon, I’m fine. Just go and play now, okay?”

  “Can I still come work at your office?” she asked, looking sad that she’d yelled at Shane.r />
  “I can’t run the place without you!”

  She giggled and ran out of the room.

  He turned back to me and said, “Why didn’t you tell her?”

  I looked down. “I’m not ready. I need some time.”

  “You’ve had time. She’s my daughter!”

  “I know! I was there when I gave birth to her! I remember it vividly! I also remember feeling completely lost and alone…and without you.” I knew I was hurting him. But, I was still hurting.

  “How many times do I have to apologize? Dammit Rebecca, I would have been there if I could have! You know that! What’s this really about?” he asked, sitting down next to me again.

  I was crying. “You took the money! That’s what it’s about!”

  He ran his hand through his hair and said, “We’ve been over this. I won’t apologize again. What can I say to make you forgive me?”

  I wanted him to offer to pay the money back, or something. But, would that be enough? Could I ever trust him again? Would he do it again?

  “I can’t believe that you can’t forgive me for that! It was a stupid mistake, one I’ll regret forever. But it’s over! I know you went through hell…”

  “Yeah! I did! I didn’t know where you were. You just vanished. I was alone and pregnant! You took the money…you left! I lied about the baby for months. I didn’t let anyone know I was pregnant. I couldn’t face it! My parents knew, or they suspected. My father saw the…videos…of us…together.”

  “Videos? What videos?”

  “The ones from the camera hidden in your room at the tire store. There were videos of us…making love.”

  “Oh, God. I didn’t know.”

  “Of course not. Parker hired someone to frame you and when they put in the camera’s they put one in your room. Parker watches them…studied them!”

  “He what?”

  “He said he wants me to look at him like I look at you. I caught him watching one of the videos one night after he’d been drinking.”

  “He’s sick!”

  “Yeah, he is. But, he was there. He stood by my side and supported your daughter. And he’s never stolen a penny from anyone.”