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Page 8
This is the part that has been a problem. Delia knows about them, and when it was going to be us with Stella, I was okay with it. If they heard me cry out, it wouldn’t be an issue, but with Grayson and Jack, I don’t know what to do.
“I’m hoping I just don’t sleep. Maybe I can nap during the day.”
Dr. Warvel’s lips turn down. “Jessica, that’s not a plan.”
“It’s the best one I’ve got.”
“Okay, what if you were honest with them, told them about the dreams? I’m sure anyone in that group would understand since it’s not an uncommon occurrence after a trauma.”
I’m sure that’s true, and I don’t think that anyone in that group would ever judge me for it. “I’ve already exposed my weakness with speaking, I’d like to hope that maybe my dreams won’t be so bad.”
“Have they lessened at all?”
I release a heavy sigh. “In some ways. I’m not waking up each night in a cold sweat. Last night, I know I dreamed it, but I don’t remember the panic.”
She smiles, hope alighting her face. “That’s wonderful. That’s a good sign.”
“I still felt it.”
“But not to the extent you had before, this is a good thing. By facing it, you were able to start to deal with the panic, which is why I keep pushing you on other things. Look, you could be completely over Grayson and it was some small part of your subconscious playing tricks on you or you have regrets. Only you know which one it is. However, the one thing I won’t let you do is lie to yourself about how you feel, and until you face it and really dig deep, you can’t answer honestly.”
I flop back, feeling a million things at once. I don’t want to deal with it. I don’t want to care or love or miss him. “We’re not the same people, and the boy I loved is gone.”
I turn my head to look at her. “No, and the girl he loved isn’t the same either. That doesn’t mean you still don’t have feelings. Considering the fact that he’s come up a lot in here as well as in your dream journal, I think it’s something you’re going to have to think about.”
She’s right. I know she’s right. When I see him, when I am near him, it’s as if something inside me is clawing its way out. Grayson is that one guy for me. He’s the person I made these plans, dreams, and hopes with. He was more than just my first love, at least I thought he was, but fear became something so much stronger than love.
“Grayson scares me,” I tell her. “My heart has always been his. I never was able to give my heart to someone else because they weren’t as good as him. I was so . . . sad when I ended things.”
“Then why did you end things?”
I sit here, trying to make sure that the words don’t jumble in my head. “Because losing him on my terms was better than losing him any other way.”
Dr. Warvel leans forward. “What if you never lost him, Jessica? What if he’s been here waiting, and your heart knew it?”
Chapter 9
Grayson
I am a fool for coming here. Jack knew exactly what it would be like to be at this beach house with Jessica, and the asshole backed me into it.
“Daddy, can we go to the ocean?” Amelia asks as I unbuckle her from her booster seat.
“We can go tomorrow, but today, we have to open up the place.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means we have to get the house cleaned up and ready for all our friends who are coming.”
Melia’s smile is wide. “Is Uncle Jack coming?”
“He is.” I crouch so we’re eye level. “Also, two friends named Delia and Jessica are coming. Do you remember at the store when I helped my friend who was sick?”
She nods enthusiastically.
“Her name is Jessica.”
“Is she your girlfriend?”
“No, but she was a very, very long time ago, though.”
I’m not sure how the hell to navigate this conversation, but I figure honesty is a good thing. We’re never going to be more than friends, and Amelia is sometimes too smart for her own good.
“And Delia?”
Now that is funny. “No, Delia is in love with someone else. We’re all just friends.” That someone else being my older brother.
My phone rings, and I have to laugh when Josh’s name flashes on the screen.
“What’s up, big brother?”
“Not much. Just checking in to see how things are going.”
“Who is it?” Amelia asks.
“Uncle Josh.”
“Is that my little princess?” Josh’s voice is loud enough that she can hear it.
“It is! It is!”
I laugh as the tone sounds to switch to a video call. Once I accept, my brother’s ugly mug fills the screen.
“Uncle Josh! I have missed you so much.” Amelia grabs the phone and gives her best pouty lip.
“I miss you too, Princess. I was thinking about coming to visit you in a few weeks. Do you have plans?”
She shakes her head. “Nope. We are at the beach.”
“Oh?”
I pull Amelia up into my arms so I can see as well. “We came down to the Cape house.”
Josh grins. “Fun. I bet you two will have a great weekend.”
“Daddy has his friends coming.”
“Oh? Who?”
Amelia answers before I can. “Uncle Jack is coming and so is daddy’s girlfriend.”
“I told you she’s not my girlfriend, Melia.”
My brother’s jaw drops before his lips stretch into a shit-eating grin. “Oh? Girlfriend. What’s her name, Melia?”
“Jessica.”
Josh’s eyes go wide, and there’s nothing I can say now. “Jessica as in Jessica Walker?”
“The same one. But as I said, she’s a friend and was hurt, so she’s in Willow Creek until she gets on her feet.”
“Or on her back,” Josh so unhelpfully adds.
“Can I go see the sand, Daddy?” Amelia asks, and I put her down.
“Just stay close to the porch.”
She runs off, leaving me stuck on the video call with my brother. Yeah, this will go well.
“There is nothing going on,” I tell him before he can say anything.
Joshua doesn’t look convinced. I watch the thoughts turn in his head as he cocks his head to the side. “Right.”
“There’s not.”
Josh smirks. “Nope. Nothing. It’s just a trip to the beach, right?”
I glare at my oldest brother, knowing that this flippant shit is just that . . . shit. He doesn’t believe a word of it any more than he believes me. “It’s just a trip to the beach, Josh.”
He purses his lips, and I know that it’s coming. He is teetering on the need to be right and let me know it. “It sounds like it’ll be good for you guys to all get away. That house is a special place where things happen for you.”
I might kill him. I groan, needing this back and forth to be over so I can prove my point. “Just say it.”
“I have nothing to say but that, truly, I like Jess, I always have. Dad and Mom will not be happy, but then again, who fucking cares what they think?”
“There’s nothing to think because we’re just friends—sort of. I don’t know what we are, civil ex-lovers?”
He laughs at that. “Who happen to be vacationing on the beach. Yeah, what could happen?”
“Anyway, you didn’t really call to check in, did you?”
“Did Dad call you?”
My father has called me six times, and I’ve ignored all of them. I prefer communicating with him via email so I have a record of what was said.
“I haven’t answered.”
We all have a very complicated relationship with our parents. Josh, however, hates the man. He wants nothing to do with him and has been trying to buy out our father’s portion of the inn Josh runs, but my father won’t even entertain it. There’s something going on that Josh won’t tell us about that has him so adamant he needs to leave the family business.
“I haven’t either. I just wanted to see if you knew what he wanted.”
“I’m sure when I get back to Willow Creek, Mom will let me know.”
He laughs once. “If it’s anything to do with him, she won’t.”
“You’re right. Hey, listen, I need to get the house opened up before Jack and the girls get here. I’ll talk to you soon.”
“All right. Be smart and wrap it up. You don’t need another kid.” He hangs up before I can say anything.
I go to the front porch and see Melia sitting in the sand, her brown hair blowing softly in the salty air. He may be right that I don’t need another kid, but I’m sure glad I have this one. Yvonne gave me something that she’ll never know the true joy of.
“Ready to help?” I ask, causing her to jump.
“Okay!”
We enter the house, which has been vacant for months. It was never like this when I was a kid because we were always coming here, the five of us running around like lunatics, playing in the pool or the ocean. Then, as we got older, we stopped coming. The trips here were then, just with Mom. Dad was gone a lot, Mom was alone, and it’s when we started to realize just how fucked up our parents’ relationship was.
Amelia and I move from room to room, pulling off sheets, opening windows, and getting the place cleaned up a little. She laughs as I chase her with the sheet, covering her and then spinning her around.
When I turn the last time, Jessica is there, watching us spin.
Her smile is bright as she leans against the doorjamb. “Hi.”
I take the sheet off Amelia, who is squirming. “Hey.”
Amelia looks over. “I’m Amelia Jane Parkerson. Are you Delia or Jessica?”
Jess moves closer. “I’m Jessica. It’s very nice to meet you, Amelia.”
“You were Daddy’s girlfriend.”
Jessica’s eyes move to mine quickly, and I laugh. “I told Amelia that we were friends, and she thought it meant something else, which led to me having to explain.”
She nods. “Ahh, I see. Well, a long time ago I was.”
“He doesn’t have a girlfriend now,” Amelia explains.
“That’s too bad because your dad is a pretty nice guy.”
Amelia beams. “He’s the best. He saves people.”
“He sure does.” She clears her throat and then returns her attention to Amelia. “Is this your room?”
“I hope so. It’s pink and pretty and I love it.”
I put her down after giving her a quick kiss on her nose. “You can stay in here if you want.”
“Yay!”
“Is that Melia I hear?” Jack calls from the hallway, and before I can turn, Amelia is rushing out.
“She loves Jack,” I explain.
“Most do. He’s like a giant child.”
She’s definitely right about that. He’s also going to pay for this weekend in so many ways. After a moment, Jessica rocks back on her feet and starts to move around the room.
“God, it’s been so long since I’ve been anywhere close to here.”
“You didn’t travel to the beach?” I ask.
“I did, but not this beach.”
I haven’t either. It’s been almost fifteen years since I stepped foot here. After we broke up, I tried, but the memories are everywhere. My siblings would come, and I’d have some reason to avoid it. Most of the time, the excuse was valid, but the truth was that it was too difficult.
“Why not? This house is . . .”
“Ours.” The word slips out, but I should’ve kept my damn mouth shut. It’s just that being here, standing in this place that we would sneak away to when life was too much, is making me remember.
Jessica stares at me, her chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm. “I was going to say special.”
“It is special.”
“Gray . . .”
Amelia rushes in, holding Jack’s hand and pulling him along. “Hey, you two.”
“Uncle Jack, this is my room.”
He grins at his goddaughter. “It’s a pretty awesome one. I wanted the pink room, though.”
She giggles. “No, silly, you can sleep in the room with the bunk beds.”
“Bunk beds?” Jack looks affronted. “Who is going to sleep in the bottom bunk?”
“Daddy!”
“You have it all worked out, huh?” I ask her.
She nods once, walks over to Jessica, and directs her to the bed. “You and Uncle Jack can sleep in the bunk beds, and that way, Miss Jessica and Miss Delia get their own rooms. It’s what the boys should do.”
Jess grins as she looks at my daughter. “I think that’s a great idea. You are a very smart little girl.”
“I know. My daddy says I’m like Auntie Stella.”
A laugh escapes her lips. “Then you are going to be a handful.”
“What’s a handful mean?”
“It means that you’re perfect and are going to make life very fun for your daddy,” Jessica explains.
“I like you.”
“I like you too.”
Amelia turns to me. “You can marry her, Daddy.”
I nearly choke while Jack breaks out in laughter and Jess’s eyes go wide. “I didn’t . . . she has these . . .” I search for the words and then give up. “No one is getting married. Let’s get the house done so we can go swim, how does that sound?”
She jumps off the bed and places her hand in Jessica’s. “Come on, Miss Jessica, I’ll show you the house.”
Jessica knows this house better than anyone. Amelia has never even been here, but Jess goes along, letting Amelia pull her around. Jack claps his hand on my shoulder.
“You are so fucked, my friend. So fucked.”
Yeah, no shit. My daughter has decided I’m allowed to marry the girl I always wished I had.
Chapter 10
Jessica
Amelia is the cutest, most precocious kid I’ve ever met. She loves to talk and explore. She has also latched on to me. We’re building a sand-house because castles are for little girls, and she is most definitely not little.
“And Daddy says that having a prince rescue you is only in fairy tales.”
Sounds like good advice. “I see, but your daddy rescues people, right?”
She purses her lips, staring over at where Grayson is standing with his feet in the water. “Yes, but that’s in an emergency.”
“Totally different,” I say in agreement.
“But I don’t want a prince, I am going to marry Uncle Jack or Uncle Oliver.”
“They’re a bit old for you, don’t you think?”
Amelia shrugs. “Uncle Oliver is the same age as Auntie.”
“Yes, this is true, but maybe you’ll meet a boy your age.”
Her head tilts to the side as she watches me. “Is Daddy your age?”
“He’s two years older than I am. We met when he was a junior in high school and I was a freshman.”
“Uncle Oliver is a lot older.”
I laugh softly. “Yes, and Uncle Jack is even older than him.”
She seems to agree, and we go back to sculpting the house. She’s so much like her father it’s crazy. He always knew what he wanted and how to achieve it. Amelia is much the same way. The entire house is already drawn in her head, all the pieces fitting together in just the right way.
“Did you know my mom?”
My heart jolts, and I shake my head. “I didn’t.”
“Her name is Yvonne, and she’s an opera singer in Paris.”
I really want off this topic. “Have you been to Paris?”
Amelia sighs dramatically. “No, and I never will. Well, not until I’m
much older and I can go by myself.”
“No?”
That’s strange. Why wouldn’t she go see her mother?
“Yvonne didn’t want kids so she gave me to Daddy.”
My hands stop moving. My God. Who could ever not want this little girl? I school my face, making sure I don’t give anything away because I know nothing other than what a four-year-old is telling me.
“You’re very lucky to have such a great daddy.”
“He’s my favorite person. I would marry him, but he says it’s illegal and I wouldn’t get a mommy if he did that.”
I try not to laugh, but her logic is so innocent and sweet.
She looks toward her dad, and even though his back is to us, there’s a sense of protection emanating from him. He always had this sense of duty and devotion to those who needed it. When we were in school, he volunteered every week to work with kids with disabilities. Grayson formed an entire team of athletes who gave their time to help those who couldn’t play competitively.
He said it was unfair that they had to sit on the sidelines because of something they couldn’t control. He wanted to give them the experience of hearing a crowd cheering for them and the thrill that came with playing a sport.
Amelia goes back to the task but then frowns and asks, “Jessica? Can you put more sand here?” When I reach for the bucket, she stops me. “It has to be very wet sand from the ocean.”
“Okay,” I say with a grin. “I’ll go get the very wet sand.”
I walk over to Grayson, who’s just staring out at the expanse of the ocean.
“Having fun?”
I bend over, scooping the sand into the bucket. “I am. Your daughter is really wonderful.”
He glances over at her. “I don’t know what I would do without her.” There are so many questions I want to ask about her mother, but I’m not sure we’re at that point in this new friendship. “What made you venture down to the ocean?” he asks. “If I remember, you don’t do ocean water.”
I get back up and turn to face him. “I don’t, you can’t see your feet.” I shudder. I can’t stand not seeing what’s lurking around you. “She’s given me very specific instructions on what kind of sand she wants, so I’m here to do her bidding.”