Lost to You

by A. L. Jackson

  The room spun a little, and I scrubbed both palms over my face and tried to focus. There was movement at my side, and I looked to the spot where the toe of a heeled boot tapped my thigh. My gaze traveled up the long body. Lisa stood there, her full lips pulled into a flirty smile, her tanned legs exposed below the mini skirt she wore. “Mind if I join you?”

  I grinned.

  This. This was what I needed. Something to undo the knot Elizabeth had tied so tight inside me. The alcohol barely disguised it, distorted an ache I didn’t entirely understand. All I knew was I had to satisfy it.

  I inched over to make Lisa room. “Not at all.”

  I’d hung out with her before, had actually had real conversations with her a time or two. She was nice enough, maybe a little out of place here, like she was testing herself, learning who she wanted to be. She’d been the one who’d come after me the first time, not that I minded. She seemed pretty laid back, easy in every sense of the word. We got along just fine.

  My blurred gaze fixated on her thighs as she awkwardly climbed down to settle beside me. She twisted her torso, just enough that when I looked her direction, we were face to face, nose to nose. I realized how hot I was right then, how my skin tingled and need coiled in the pit of my stomach.

  Fingers traveled up my shirt, fluttered across my chin, her mouth a breath from mine. “I was hoping you’d be here.”

  “You were, huh?” Cocking my head, I looked into the brown eyes staring back at me. They were completely the wrong kind of brown, dark chocolate and rimmed in black. Not light and tinged with honey, not knowing and kind. I blinked the thought away. “I was hoping you were going to be here, too,” I mumbled at the side of her face, my nose brushing the length of her jaw.

  Of course, she hadn’t really crossed my mind since the last time I left her apartment more than four weeks ago.

  She ran her fingers through my hair, kissed across my face, murmured at my ear, “I missed—”

  I didn’t give her time to finish, just covered her mouth with mine to cut off whatever words she was going to say that would ruin the understanding we had. I kissed her for what felt like forever, my senses filled with the sting of heavy perfume and a thickness that had my pulse beating erratically. I fought whatever I was feeling, this sensation that urged me to push her away. Instead, I kissed her deeper, swept my tongue against hers, and dipped my hands into her brown hair.

  With a short gasp, she broke the kiss. “Wanna go back to my place?” she asked with her body pressed up against mine. Loud music pulsed against our skin, driving the need higher inside of me, something foreign and unpleasant.

  “Yeah, let’s get out of here.”

  That’s all I wanted, to get out of there, to remove myself from what was gnawing under the surface of my skin.

  I climbed to my feet and stretched my hand out to help her stand. With her hand in mine, I dragged her through the mass.

  Tom stood near the door, talking too loud and too close to some poor girl’s face. He glanced up as I approached, a knowing smirk overtaking his mouth. “See you next weekend, man.”

  I didn’t reply, just raised my hand over my head to announce my goodbye, and got Lisa out of there as fast as humanly possible. The second we were in the hall, her mouth was on my chin and moving over my jaw. Her hand smoothed its way over my chest, up my neck, and into my hair. My hands dove back into her hair, and I was kissing her and stumbling back as we made our way down the hall.

  Seconds later, she had me in the elevator. The low bleep of the button indicated we’d made it to the seventh floor. I backed down her hall, my hands on her hips as I edged us toward her apartment. My back hit her door with a thud.

  “Christian,” she mumbled.

  Pinned against the wood, it burned into my skin, hard and cold. I sensed too much, the numbness I craved every weekend absent, my hands and mind frantic as I tore at Lisa to get her closer.

  But it was Elizabeth’s face in my head. Her soft skin under my hands. My fingers digging into her hips.

  I jerked my face back from Lisa, raised it to the ceiling, and sucked in a breath as I forced the image aside.

  Lisa’s mouth went to my exposed neck as she blindly fumbled through her purse. Metal clinked as she withdrew her keys. She reached around me to wiggle one into the lock and let us into her dark apartment.

  I already knew the way to her room. I had been there several times.

  I palmed Lisa’s slender hips, and flattened my body against hers. And Elizabeth was still there, her hips curvier, her round ass fitting perfectly in my hands.

  I groaned, and Lisa giggled.

  Fuck.

  My hands snaked under her shirt, my palms gliding up her sides as I pushed it over her head.

  Oh God.

  My mouth came down aggressive against Lisa’s as I palmed her breast in my hand, anything to fill up and shut out whatever was resisting this from happening tonight.

  Lisa ripped my shirt over my head, went for the buttons on my jeans while I kicked off my shoes. Her skirt was on the floor and I was pushing her to her bed. I climbed between her legs.

  And all I saw was Elizabeth, could do nothing but imagine what she’d look like lying there instead, how soft she would feel. How this would feel different.

  I could never have Elizabeth, but still, I knew I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t fuck some girl while I pictured Elizabeth’s face. It was wrong—disrespectful to Lisa—but what I really cared about was the overwhelming feeling that it was even more disrespectful to Elizabeth.

  Unwelcomed hands were at my waistband, pushing down my underwear. I struggled back, got to my knees, and pinned her arms at her sides.

  For a moment, confusion filled Lisa’s eyes, before a slow, sexy grin took her over, misunderstanding seeded in the manipulated compliance.

  I dropped my head, a heavy, regretful breath forced from my lungs. “I can’t do this, Lisa.”

  The confusion was back, a mix of hurt and anger and embarrassment.

  “What did I do? I don’t understand.” I released her arms, and she reached for me, her fingertips just grazing across my bare chest as her eyes and mouth implored, “Please.”

  I understood it then, saw it, all the times I’d done this and then walked out the door, left some girl alone, many times when I didn’t even know her name. Was I really blind enough to believe that they were just like me, that one night was all they ever wanted, that they never gave me a second thought once I was gone? Because when I looked down at the blow I’d just inflicted on Lisa, I knew that was not the case. She’d thought of me, wanted me.

  “I’m sorry, Lisa.” Scooting off her bed, I fumbled to get back into my jeans. I grabbed my shirt from the floor and tugged it over my head. “I can’t do this anymore.”

  She looked away, to the wall, and covered her breasts with the drape of her arm. “You’re an asshole.” That statement came so quiet, yet its truth consumed the room.

  “I know.” I guess it was something I’d always known. It was just the first time I’d admitted it.

  I left her there, took the stairs because I needed to burn off some of this unspent energy.

  Elizabeth had gotten under my skin. Exposed who I really was just by reflecting her light onto me.

  She didn’t have to voice it. It was spoken in the way she resisted me the first day, in the assumptions she made that weren’t really assumptions at all because they were nothing but the truth. It was clear in the way her eyes clouded with a token of distrust, a barrier she had to place between us to protect herself from me.

  Because Elizabeth knew she could just as easily be like Lisa, left alone upstairs, instead of my friend who I couldn’t wait to see again.

  I ran back to my apartment and let myself into the darkness. I went straight into the bathroom and blasted the showerhead, turning it as hot as it would go. I shucked my clothes. Steam filled the room, and I stepped into the water and welcomed its relief. Hot sheets blanketed my back, and I ra
ised my head, let the waves flow down my face, let it wash the night from my body.

  Stepping from the shower, I toweled myself off, slipped into a pair of boxers, and fell back against my bed. I lay, staring at the ceiling, not knowing what the hell I was supposed to do. I was completely mixed up, but in some strange way, I felt okay with it.

  Shaking my head at myself, I grabbed my phone. It was just before one in the morning, earlier than I normally would come crawling back to my apartment, but late enough that Elizabeth would probably think I was complete freak if I gave in and called her just to check that she’d had a good night.

  Instead I tapped out a message and pushed send.

  I was shocked when my phone buzzed a few seconds later. I couldn’t help but smile when I read the words. Sleep well, Christian.

  ~

  Elizabeth

  A tiny sigh escaped my lips as I clutched my phone to my chest. Darkness crawled along my ceiling, all except for a thin strip of light that slanted off to one side as it snuck through the top edge of the blind.

  It turned out I was right about Christian.

  There was no doubt the first impressions were true, too, the ones about the girls and how quickly he flew through them. I knew if I wasn’t careful, I could so easily end up one of them.

  But beyond that, he was kind.

  And he needed a friend.

  I reread the text I received a few minutes earlier.

  Wanted to tell you how much tonight meant to me. TY Elizabeth.

  It was late, though the city was still alive, horns and sirens echoing outside my door, magnifying how intensely quiet it was within the walls of my apartment.

  And I felt warm. Good. Thankful.

  Thankful Christian had become a part of my life.

  Chapter Four

  Christian

  The next Friday, Elizabeth and I were back at the café where we first met. Even though we’d just met here yesterday, we decided to meet again tonight so we could cram in a few extra hours of studying for our first American Government quiz next week.

  Elizabeth downed the last of her coffee. “So I think I’ve finally got it,” she said, though her tone hinted that she was only trying to convince herself, her head nodding as if she were mentally calculating another problem.

  Of course, I’d spent most of the time trying to help her with her calculus homework, trying to ingrain these concepts that continued to try to slip right over the top of her head. Finally, it seemed to have snapped into place, this light flicking on and warming the honey of her eyes. I’d just sat there, staring as she came to understanding, wondering why I felt like some inflated hero when she looked at me like that.

  Now she chatted ceaselessly, as if I’d managed to toss the weight from her shoulders. “I really didn’t think I would. I mean, I studied it again and again and it just wouldn’t sink in.” She climbed to her feet and grabbed her backpack from the floor. She flopped it on the table and began stuffing her things inside. There was nothing ditsy in her words, just this thankfulness that oozed from her mouth. “Thank God I met you, Christian.”

  She glanced up at me with a gentle smile.

  I was so right on about her. She was the nicest girl, innocent and sweet. And sexy as all hell. That was the only problem with this whole friendship thing. How could I reconcile the respect I had for her and want to peel the clothes from her body every single time I saw her?

  I was pretty sure something in that equation didn’t add up.

  I smirked at her just because I liked the way she blushed every time I did. “Now you owe me.”

  She blushed deeper at the insinuation and dropped her head, and I couldn’t help but wonder just how innocent she was. I knew I had to watch myself, to keep everything that wanted to push its way out in check if I was going to successfully walk this fine line.

  I gathered my things. “You ready?”

  She looked up as the redness from her face slowly seeped away. “Yeah, let’s get out of here.”

  We turned and headed in the direction of her apartment.

  She glanced at me, smiling. “So, are you walking me home?”

  “It’s on my way.”

  She laughed because we both knew it really wasn’t, though it wasn’t completely out of the way, either. Just in the wrong direction by two short blocks.

  No big deal.

  We wandered casually through the evening crowd, neither of us in a hurry, just satisfied to be in the other’s company. I liked that it could be so easy with her.

  Elizabeth continued to talk as we approached her building, while my attention darted to the guy leaning against her wall as we passed. Elizabeth didn’t seem to even notice him, her consideration fully on me as she ambled toward her door. But there was just something that didn’t sit right. He tilted his chin up, enough for his eyes to take her in. This instinctual protectiveness rose up from somewhere inside me, an urge to wrap my arm around her waist and pull her to my side.

  Of course, Elizabeth had to live in the shittiest building she possibly could, and on top of it, lived by herself. I hated it.

  She paused at her door, rocked back on her heels as she hooked her thumbs in her backpack straps. “So maybe I’ll see you around this weekend?”

  My eyes went back to the guy against the wall. There were plenty of freaks in New York City, but most seemed harmless and didn’t garner a second thought. Not this guy. There was just something about him that nagged at my consciousness.

  I looked back at Elizabeth. Not a chance in hell would I leave her here by herself.

  I shrugged nonchalantly. “I don’t have any plans tonight. Why don’t we order in and watch a movie, or something?”

  Her eyes narrowed in speculation, as if she was thrown off by my sudden suggestion.

  I looked back at the guy who was obviously watching us. I guess I was thrown, too.

  “Two Fridays in a row?” She peeked back at me with her brow raised high, then pulled the door opened and held it wide for me as she passed, already expecting me to follow. “Are you sure you’re not trying to get into my panties?”

  I choked out a laugh as I followed her in. Did she have any idea how that sounded coming from her mouth? I shook my head and jogged up the stairs behind her. Apparently, Elizabeth was missing an important distinction. I wasn’t trying to get into her panties. I was trying desperately not to.

  She let us into her apartment. It was messier than last week, a week’s worth of clothes strewn around on the floor.

  “Sorry. Let me pick up really quick. I wasn’t expecting company.”

  She dashed around the small room, plucking up shirts and underwear and random mismatched socks. She balled them up in a pile her arms before she heaved out a satisfied breath as she tossed them into the hamper against the wall. “All done.”

  God. Did she really have to be so fucking adorable?

  “So”—she swung her hands out to clap them in front of her—“are you hungry?”

  “I could eat.”

  She brushed past me as she wandered into the kitchen area and opened a drawer where she’d stuffed a bunch of menus. “What are you in the mood for?”

  I wandered over and sat on the edge of her bed. “Chinese?”

  “Sounds good to me,” she agreed. Pulling her phone from her back pocket, she read over a menu as she walked across the room, then dropped down beside me without thought. “I think this is the best place.”

  I gestured with my chin toward the menu. “Whatever works for me.”

  Her face was all knit up in concentration as she studied, mumbled, “So what do you like?”

  “Anything beef.”

  She laughed, and drew out a quiet, “Okay.”

  We settled on Mongolian beef, sesame chicken, and eggrolls. We chatted until the door rang, and I jumped up to pay.

  She tried to stop me, but I insisted. “Am I not allowed to buy dinner for my friend?”

  Finally, she conceded and grabbed a couple plates fr
om the kitchen. We kicked off our shoes and sat cross-legged on her bed, using the middle as a table. We opened the containers and filled them as we talked. Again we hit this rhythm, a tempo I’d never found with anyone else, one where I didn’t have to pretend I was someone I didn’t want to be, one where she wasn’t shy, and her genuine smile lit up the shadowy room.

  Elizabeth gave me all the little details of the city she’d grown up in, her favorite places, and the many ways it was different from here. I could feel her love for San Diego in the pitch of her voice. More obvious was her love for the people there.

  “Yeah, the water’s always a little cold, but you get used to it,” she said as she took another bite.

  I inclined my head so I could study her, watch her face as it lifted and fell, twisted in animation as she spoke.

  “I can’t believe in all the places you’ve traveled, you’ve never been to San Diego,” she said.

  “I’ve been to L.A. a bunch of times, but for some reason, San Diego was never on the agenda.” I shrugged and dipped an eggroll into sweet and sour sauce.

  Her eyes narrowed in thought. “You should go sometime. I think you’d like it there.”

  “Yeah...I think I’d like that.”

  She smiled.

  So beautiful. I was still trying to adjust to the decision I’d made, this commitment to our friendship and swearing off girls at the same time. I knew they didn’t quite match, and if I tried to explain it to someone, they would think I was completely insane. But somewhere inside, I got it.

  “So you think you’re going to move back there once you finish school? Is that where you want to practice?” I asked.

  Elizabeth kind of frowned, as if the suggestion of not returning was completely absurd. “Definitely.” She took a bite of chicken before she continued. “I mean, you know I love it here and getting to move to New York has been the best experience of my life, but I can’t imagine not going back home. My family is too important to me.”