Learning Curve

by Rachel Spangler

  “I do have to get those bookshelves finished today.”

  Carrie blushed slightly as she said, “I don’t care what excuse you use as long as I get to keep you around a little longer.”

  “Hmm. Well, if it means that much to you and your class isn’t until twelve thirty, that leaves us an hour and a half to…” Ash reached for the belt on Carrie’s robe.

  “Take a shower.” Carrie pushed her hand away, laughing. If Ash kept touching her like that there was no way her resolve would hold, and a big part of her didn’t want it to. “You never stop, do you?”

  “Do you really want me to stop?”

  Carrie felt a slow smile playing at the corners of her mouth, and she shook her head. “No, but I’m afraid I’ll never get anything done unless you do.”

  Ash appeared to be processing the dilemma for a second. “I think we can kill two birds with one stone. Come on.”

  She took Carrie’s hand and led her back up the stairs and into the bathroom. Carrie quickly realized where this was headed and she didn’t even have the will to pretend to protest. She wanted Ash’s body as much as Ash obviously wanted hers. With one pull the belt’s knot came undone and Ash had unfettered access to everything that lay beneath Carrie’s robe. She slipped her hands under the soft terrycloth and let her hands rest on the even softer skin of Carrie’s hips. Pulling her in, Ash let her mouth find its way onto Carrie’s neck. Carrie gasped and threw her head back slightly as Ash nibbled on her earlobes. They’d only made love twice, but already Ash knew exactly how to drive her crazy. Carrie couldn’t contain herself any longer. Needing to feel Ash’s skin on her own, she dragged Ash’s shirt up and off, revealing her perfect breasts and rippled abs.

  Carrie groaned slightly when Ash pulled away to turn on the shower. Seconds later, they’d discarded Ash’s remaining clothes and were standing beneath the steady stream of warm water. Carrie threw her head back, letting it hit her face and cascade down her body. After a few minutes, she completely surrendered to the sensations of the water, heat, and steam soaking into her body, coupled with the tender caresses of Ash’s fingertips. Water pooled between them before spilling over and flooding down her belly and thighs in a sensual torrent.

  “God, that feels good,” Carrie practically purred.

  She squeezed a dab of shampoo in her hands, reached up, and massaged the gel into Ash’s short hair, spiking it up in the suds and then working it back into her scalp. The actions felt so sensual, so intimate, that she could barely control her breathing. Watching Ash standing naked under the cascading water was the most erotic thing she’d ever seen.

  Ash took the bottle from the shelf, poured a liberal amount into her hands, and ran it through Carrie’s long, silky curls. “Your hair is so gorgeous,” she said.

  Carrie had always found her hair to be boring and unruly, but when Ash reverently sank her fingers into the thick locks, working up a lather and making sure it covered every curl, she felt beautiful. “Your hands are amazing.”

  “Maybe we should get them together more often.” Ash chuckled.

  Carrie just smiled and stepped back under the water, rinsing the bubbles, letting them run down over her body. She watched as Ash’s eyes once again clouded with desire. They pressed their mouths together, lips apart with playful tongues darting in and out tasting each other as well as the water that poured down over them. The liquid heat surrounded them at the same time it flowed from their bodies. Whether in the interest of time or due to their own sense of urgency, they moved quickly from aimless caresses to purposeful pressure. Ash wrapped one arm around Carrie and leaned back so she was resting against the wall, then slipped her other hand down between Carrie’s legs. When her thumb found its target, Carrie released a moan and clutched her so tightly that her fingernails dug into the muscles across Ash’s back. But just as Ash was about to send her over the edge Carrie felt her own caresses reach their goal, and the tables turned. Ash was now the one on the edge of climax. Carrie thought they were both sure to tumble to the ground as she felt her knees go weak and Ash’s body started to shudder in her arms. But they somehow managed to cling to each other, panting under the spray of the shower, trying to catch their breath. After rinsing the remainder of the soap suds from their hair and bodies, they toweled off in a daze. When they were both dried off, it was Ash who finally said, “Now that’s what I call multitasking.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  The process of finishing the bookcases was relatively mindless, but Ash tried to give it her full attention. She wanted the end result to be flawless. She had to open the windows to let the fumes air out of the office, and when she did she couldn’t help but smile at the memory of the window that had served as a catalyst for her and Carrie’s first kiss. She couldn’t help but think that she’d be forever grateful for the small lock that had held it in place only a week earlier.

  A week, Ash thought in amazement. She sat back in Carrie’s desk chair and rubbed her forehead. She hadn’t really let herself think about the complete transformation she’d undergone in such a short amount of time. The total turnaround she had gone through was enough to make anyone dizzy. Shreds of doubt began to creep into the back of her mind. What did this mean for her future?

  She tried to look ahead. The first thing that entered her mind was the prospect of making love to Carrie again. Ash smiled. That was something she could see herself enjoying for the rest of her life. Realistically, though, as much as they’d both like to, they wouldn’t be able to have sex every waking minute for all of eternity. What happened in between those passionate moments when their bodies collided? She didn’t know what kind of music Carrie liked, or what foods she hated. Ash didn’t know anything about Carrie’s family or upbringing.

  She tried to think of everything she knew about Carrie. She knew she was active in the community, that she liked to read, and that she bit her nails when she was nervous. Surely there was more than that.

  She thought of the conversations they’d had over the past week. Most of them had centered on Tess. Ash considered the connection. Tess was now a part of her life, and there was no denying she would remain important to Carrie, but was that enough to live on? They had also talked about their jobs. Teaching and women’s studies were obviously central to who Carrie was. She seemed set on making women’s voices heard at the university. Could Ash share in that?

  Ash had always supported women’s rights and had never conformed to society’s expectations of what a woman should be, but beyond that she was at a loss. She couldn’t even begin to imagine what “ normative personhood” was. Would Carrie want to talk to her about things like that? Would she think less of Ash for not being able to?

  She was jarred from her thoughts by a knock at the door. She stood up and walked over to answer it, shaking her head slightly in an attempt to clear it, but when she opened the door she found herself standing face-to-face with Rita.

  Ash had to confess that Rita looked good. She was wearing tight black pants and a v-neck sweater that dipped just low enough to make a person look twice. She flashed a broad smile that made Ash nervous.

  “Can I come in?” Rita asked.

  “Uh, Carrie, um, I mean Dr. Fletcher isn’t here right now.”

  Rita laughed. “No, I didn’t think she was.”

  “She’ll be back in about ten minutes, though,” Ash continued. “You could come back then.”

  “If you don’t mind, I’ll just wait here.” Rita slipped past Ash and into the office.

  “Actually,” Ash tried not to let her discomfort show, but the last thing she wanted was for Carrie to walk in and find her and Rita alone together in the office, “I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

  “Just relax,” Rita replied, placing her hand lightly on Ash’s shoulder.

  Ash started to pull away, but then she stopped. She felt Rita touching her; she could see Rita standing in front of her. She looked good, she felt good, she was practically throwing herself at Ash, but something was m
issing. Ash was not the least bit turned on. There was no spark, no fire, nothing. Sure, she could tell that Rita was attractive; she knew the feel of her touch wasn’t unpleasant, but the temptation was gone. Everything about the woman standing in front of her fell short when viewed in comparison to what she saw, felt, and shared with Carrie.

  Ash smiled. “Rita, I’m sorry, but…”

  “I know,” Rita sighed.

  “You know?”

  “It’s pretty obvious that you’re in love with Dr. Fletcher.” She dropped her hand from Ash’s shoulder.

  “Yes, I am.” Ash reached out and took Rita’s hand. “It doesn’t mean that you weren’t… You’re a wonderful woman, it’s just that I love her. Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”

  Rita gave her a slight smile. “Yes, but can you do me a favor?”

  “What?” Ash asked.

  “Can you not tell Dr. Fletcher about this? She’s the best teacher I’ve got, and I don’t want things to get awkward.”

  Ash laughed. “I think that’ll be okay.”

  “Thanks.” Rita leaned in and gave Ash a big hug.

  Ash hugged her in return without thinking twice now that the temptation was gone. However, when she heard the hinges of the office door squeak slightly she jumped back just as Carrie walked into the room. Ash immediately realized that from where Carrie was standing, the reaction made both her and Rita look guilty. She immediately searched Carrie’s eyes and saw they were filled with shock and then hurt. Ash felt her heart breaking inside.

  “Carrie,” she said, desperate to clear up the situation. “Rita just stopped by to talk to you, and we had a little heart-to-heart.”

  “I can see that,” Carrie replied tensely.

  “I hope you don’t mind, but I told her I’ve fallen hopelessly in love with you.”

  “I’m sure you did.” Carrie tried to force a smile. “What was it that you needed, Rita?”

  “I was working on the Butler assignment and I have the paper outline, but I just wanted to know if there was one area you wanted us to focus on more than the others.”

  Carrie nodded. “Absolutely. I want to see that you understand the theory, so I suggest you focus on how Butler sees normative gender binaries as restricting individuals’ self-expression as well as how we are all affected by the way our discourse, or lack of discourse, on the social construction of gender impinges on our sense of identity.”

  “Okay,” Rita responded as if taking a mental inventory of the things Carrie had just listed.

  Ash, on the other hand, just leaned back against the wall, listening to the exchange, barely comprehending it. The words could have been spoken in a foreign language. She wasn’t surprised that Carrie had a better grasp on complex ideas and a more extensive vocabulary that she did; that was to be expected, given their different professions. What worried her was how nonchalantly Carrie rattled off the terms and the ease with which Rita accepted them. From where Ash was sitting, the conversation seemed natural, like both women were used to hearing and using words like “discourse” and “normative” on a regular basis. Maybe she had been right earlier. Maybe communicating with Carrie would take more than Ash was capable of giving.

  “Is that all you wanted to know?” Carrie asked, her voice still tight.

  “Yes. Thank you.” Rita took her cue and started for the door. “I’ll see you in class Monday.”

  “See you then.” Carrie closed the door behind Rita. Avoiding Ash’s outstretched hand, she said, “We need to talk.”

  “Carrie,” Ash started, “I know that may have looked bad, but it’s not what you think.”

  “Oh? Well, I think you’ve slept with one of my students. Am I wrong about that?”

  “No, you’re right about that, but—”

  “Recently?”

  “Yes.” Ash rubbed her forehead. This was not going well.

  “Tell me this, then, how many women have you slept with in, oh, let’s say the past two weeks?”

  “Carrie—”

  “No,” Carrie interrupted. “I think I deserve an honest answer. I’m not asking you to calculate a lifetime number, just in the time we’ve known each other, how many?”

  “Counting you?”

  She shrugged her shoulders. “Sure.”

  “Three.” Ash hung her head.

  “Three.” Carrie sighed. “I’ve only slept with three people my entire life.”

  “Carrie, I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t,” Ash whispered.

  “You and Mary were lovers, weren’t you?” Carrie said with only the slightest hint of a question in her voice.

  “What?” Ash asked, turning to face her.

  “You and Mary,” Carrie said, still biting her nail. “You two were lovers.”

  “A long time ago,” Ash answered, shuffling her feet, uncomfortable with the topic.

  “What happened?” Carrie asked softly.

  Ash took a deep breath. “We were young and I was immature. She waited for me as long as she could, but I just never became the person she thought I could be.”

  “Because she wanted you to be someone you couldn’t be?”

  “No.” Ash shook her head. “It wasn’t that I couldn’t, so much as that I wouldn’t. I made a lot of mistakes, a lot of choices I’m starting to regret, but you have to believe me, that’s over now. I wasn’t coming on to Rita, I was saying good-bye. And not just to her, to that whole way of life. Please tell me you get that.”

  “I believe you, Ash. I really do, but that’s a big transformation to have over a short period of time.”

  “I know, but that doesn’t make it any less real. There will always be other women in my past, but I promise you that you are the only one I want to be with now. I’m sorry you have to live with that. If I could erase all the others I would, but I just can’t do that.”

  “I know you can’t, and I wouldn’t want you to.” Carrie sat down and quietly continued, “Your past is a part of you. It’s gotten you where you are today.”

  “So you understand?” Ash asked hopefully.

  “I understand.” Carrie weighed her words carefully. “But I just don’t know how I’m going to be able to relate to you.”

  “What do you mean?” Ash could hear her heart beating in her ears.

  “I mean we’re so different. Our pasts are so different. How am I supposed to take it when I walk in and catch another woman in your arms, one that I know you’ve slept with, one of my students, no less?” Carrie paused. “I don’t understand how you’ve lived like that, and I’m beginning to think that I really don’t know you at all.”

  “You don’t know me?” Ash tried not to sound too incredulous. “Carrie, I think it’s the other way around.”

  “Ash, I’m just being honest with you.”

  “Honest? You want honest. I’m not very complex. What you see is what you get. I work with my hands, I set my own hours, I like sports, and I have absolutely no idea what you were talking about with Rita.”

  “Where is this coming from?”

  “I’ve been with a lot of women, but that’s over. That’s old news, but you speak a language I can’t even begin to understand. You have conversations about the social construction of whatever. I don’t even know what you mean, and that will probably be the case for as long as I live. That’s not the past, that’s right now and well into the future. You want to talk about not knowing someone, how about that?”

  Ash was out of breath when she finished. There was a dull ache in her chest and her throat was beginning to tighten at the thought of all the fears they’d both just put into words.

  “Ash, you drive a Mustang, don’t you?”

  “Yes.”

  “What year is it?”

  “Sixty-four.”

  “And what kind of motor does it have in it?”

  “The engine is a factory correct two eighty-nine V-8 with a four-barrel carburetor for two hundred ten horsepower and a four-cylinder, four-on-the-floor manual tr
ansmission,” Ash rattled off.

  Carrie smiled. “I have no idea what that means.”

  Ash raised her eyebrows at the strange direction the conversation had gone. “So what? It’s just a car.”

  “And Judith Butler is just my job.”

  Ash shook her head. “It’s more important to you than that.”

  “It’s important, yes. I like what I do for a living, but so do you. Your work is an important part of you, too.”

  “But how do we know if it’s going to be a problem in our relationship? How do I know you aren’t going to resent me for not being able to talk about feminist theory?”

  “How do I know you aren’t going to resent me for tying you down?” Carrie asked quickly. “There will always be women like Rita throwing themselves at you.”

  Ash moved over and sat next to Carrie. “No woman could ever make me resent you. You mean more to me than all the other women combined.”

  Carrie took her hand. “And you mean more to me than all of the feminist theorists in the world ever could.”

  “I love you,” Ash said, drawing Carrie into her arms.

  “I love you, too.”

  Ash was about to lean in for a kiss when she stopped. “Was it too early for me to say I love you? I mean, don’t people usually wait longer than a couple of weeks for that?”

  “Did you mean it?” Carrie asked.

  “Of course, but is that how it’s supposed to go?”

  “I meant it, too, and I think that it’s okay to say it whenever you feel it. If there’s some official timeline, I certainly don’t know about it.”

  Ash was starting to feel a little better. “I’m so new at all this relationship stuff; I don’t know what’s a minor detail and what could lead to a real problem.”

  “I don’t know, either. I’m not exactly a relationship guru. If I were, I probably would have been snatched off the market a long time ago.” Carrie laughed.

  Ash smiled. “Then I guess it’s good that you’re not, but with neither of us knowing what to do, how will we ever make this work?”