Slipping from her bed, I dressed quietly, careful not to wake her. Staring down at her as she slept, I watched her breasts lift with each deep breath. I was mesmerized—caught effectively in a web I’d personally weaved. I had to get out of there. I had to free myself, before I couldn’t.
The cool night air made me shiver as I stood outside and waited for the valet to bring my car around. The city lights blinked like the universe was trying to relay a secret message to only me—a visual Morse code of sorts for the crazy fucker. I closed my eyes to it and kept them closed, until I heard the purr of my Jaguar pulling up.
Once I was in the warmth of my car, I sat there and contemplated going back inside. The valet stood at the driver’s side window, waiting for me to climb back out. I gripped the steering wheel and shook myself. Staying over wasn’t my thing. Spending time after sex with a woman at all, was something I always avoided. Obviously, it was different with Jessica.
I decided against it and hit the road, driving slowly to give myself time to think, I passed the night-lifers and tried to pinpoint the exact moment the change in me had occurred.
When I got to the club, the place was alive—crawling with crowds of people I used to be like. I no longer felt like that man. Moving through the room, I bumped into dancers and nodded at those who knew my name, but didn’t know me. Hell, I didn’t know me—not really.
I didn’t go to my office because I didn’t want to deal with Vick. Instead, I went to my apartment. Trekking through my place, I headed straight to the bathroom for a shower. I peeled off my clothes, which smelled of Jessica, and stood under the hot spray in the silence of the tile-filled room. It seemed to be the only place I could think anymore. My office screamed Jessica, the club, the car, everything was tainted with a memory of her.
I stayed in longer than usual, letting the water dump directly onto my head—numbing my skin with the heat and hoping to numb my thoughts as well. When I stepped out, I grabbed a towel and found Vick leaning against the doorway with crossed arms.
“Ignoring me?” she asked with a lifted brow.
I ran the towel across my face and hair, before wrapping it around my body and exiting the shower.
“I needed a shower before I dealt with your shit.”
Scooping up my toothbrush, I squeezed a layer of toothpaste on it and started brushing my teeth. She was pissing me off, standing over me with her arms crossed, like she controlled me. It was time I brought her back down to her level.
Rinsing my mouth, I pulled my towel from my waist and wiped my face. I walked beside her and into my bedroom. She followed. Pulling a pair of boxer briefs from the top drawer, I covered my ass and started toward my closet.
“What’s going on with us, Sebastian? We used to be so close. It’s like you don’t even talk to me anymore. It’s bullshit, and you know it.”
I’d had enough. I turned on her quickly, getting close to her and making her take a step back. I would never hurt a woman, but this shit had to stop.
“Victoria, get off my sac already. For years I’ve covered your ass—turned the other cheek to some really fucked up shit, and this is how you repay me? I’m about this close,” I held two fingers up, “to dropping your ass right where I found you. Now leave me the fuck alone!”
I watched as it happened, but I couldn’t believe it. Her stoic face crumbled, and the dreaded expression I’d spent a good bit of time running from, spread across her face. Her eyes watered and her lip trembled… and it was then I knew—I just fucking knew. Vick stayed around to help me, out of loyalty and money, but there was something else I hadn’t noticed. How had something so big slip past my radar? It was something I thought Vick incapable of. She showed emotion, and it was for me.
I looked at Vick like a sister, and now I could see she’d been harboring forbidden feelings for a man who, until recently, didn’t know he was capable of feeling anything.
“No. Not you. This can’t be happening,” I begged under my breath.
“Sebastian…”
“Leave,” I demanded.
“Sebastian, please listen…” she started.
“I said, get the fuck out of my apartment, now!”
She stared at me as if I was going to change my mind, and then turned and left without another word.
Instead of sticking around the club and socializing, I stayed in my office the rest of the night. I put myself so deep into paperwork, I tuned out the outside world.
That morning, I went to bed with thoughts of Jessica walking the streets alone. Suddenly the thought of something terrible happening to her consumed me. I thought about her fear of guns and wondered what could have happened to her to give her that fear. There were so many things I wanted to know, so many things I could’ve already known if I hadn’t been such a selfish prick.
Instead of my usual nightmare, I dreamed of Jessica and her soft lips and trusting eyes. The dream turned into a nightmare and I found myself looking down at her as she died in my arms.
The next afternoon, I found myself somewhere I hadn’t been in a while. Grady, the man behind the counter, nodded at me when I walked in. He was an older Italian with a thick Jersey accent.
His thick, black hair was dyed and oiled into a perfect wave, and his hairy arms and chest were visible through his button down shirt. The entire look was topped off with a collection of gold chains. He was old Italy.
Dabbling in a little bit everything, he was the man to see when you needed anything. I only used his services for one thing and one thing only. The rest of the illegal shit was in my past, where I meant it to stay.
“Long time no see, Black. What can I do for you?”
He lit the end of his cigar, filling the room with its thick pungent odor.
“I’m looking for something feminine, but still powerful enough to take a man down.”
Eyeing me for a few brief seconds, he took another puff from his cigar and nodded. “I think I have just what you’re looking for.”
Turning around, he opened a cabinet and pulled out a pretty piece. It was small and tinted pink. I knew Jessica would definitely hate it, but a girl like her needed to know how to protect herself in case she was right and I didn’t stick around. Which, let’s face it, was bound to happen at some point.
I left Grady’s with exactly what I came in for. Jessica might not like it, but I’d feel better about her being alone if she was packing. She’d have a lot to learn about how to use it. I’d be sure she understood what pulling the trigger meant, before she actually pulled it.
Twenty-One
Rosslyn
When I woke the next morning, Sebastian was gone. I wasn’t surprised. He wasn’t the kind of guy who spent the night. Rolling over, I pressed my face into the pillow beside me and breathed him in.
There was a hole in my chest and my body ached sweetly. I stretched to wake it. Closing my eyes, I thought about how the last few days had gone. It was bad to be so caught up in a man like him, and I knew from the beginning he was going to crush my heart, but I hadn’t cared at the time. I just didn’t understand how bad it could hurt.
My cell on the bedside table chirped and I reached out to check it. The screen lit up with my touch, showing me a text notification. Since Kyle and Sebastian were the only two people who knew my number, I knew it was from Sebastian. I pressed my finger against the tiny pink envelope on the screen.
Sebastian: Be ready by ten and wear something comfortable. It’s time to face your fears.
My stomach felt tight with fear already. I set the phone down and chewed on my bottom lip. I had no idea what the heck he was talking about, or what we would be doing come ten o’clock, but I got up and made my way toward the bathroom to shower.
The hot water soothed my sore muscles. I ran my fingers across my tight abs and aching thighs. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I didn’t know how I was going to face him and keep my feelings hidden. My emotions had no place in this deal and I would just have to get over them.
Fifteen minutes later, I was wiping fresh steam from the mirror and wrapping a fluffy towel around my breasts. I stared at myself in the mirror and wondered what I’d gotten myself into with Sebastian.
I was caught up in him completely, but to him I was just another one of his girls. It hurt to even think about him spending nights like ours with other girls.
He’d made it abundantly clear he had no interest in me outside of sex or taking care of me financially; and even then, it was because he wanted something from me.
There would be no proposals of love, or vows of fidelity. He’d stated plainly what he wanted from day one, and that was my body only. My heart, or his for that matter, were not on the table and they never would be, no matter how badly I wanted to set mine up there for him.
I thought of Kyle, and how happy he was about the condo and the fact we weren’t living in his school parking lot. No matter what, I had to do this for him. I couldn’t lose him again, when he was all I had. At least that’s what I’d keep telling myself. As bad as it stung, I refused to acknowledge that my reasons for being with Sebastian were becoming purely selfish.
Turning away from the mirror, I dried off and hung the towel up to comb through my wet hair. I got dressed, briefly wondering what a girl wore when she was facing her fears. I decided on jeans and a white button-up shirt.
The sound of the elevator made me stand from the couch. And then there he was, strutting into my apartment with his dark hair and shade-covered eyes, topped with that panty-soaking smile.
“Ready to go?” he asked.
“Where are we going?”
“You’ll see.”
He reached out and placed a hand on my lower back, ushering me onto the elevator. He didn’t move his hand until he was opening the door to the car for me to climb in. I felt the loss of his warmth the minute he wasn’t there. I reminded myself that he did such intimate gestures with all of his girls, he was just practiced at what he did.
I watched him move with purpose to the driver’s side of the car. Once he was in and had his seatbelt on, I spoke.
“Can you tell me what this is about?”
“I have something for you. But first… I don’t want you walking the streets alone anymore.” His words had come from nowhere. “As long as we’re doing this, you’ll call Martin when you need to go somewhere. Understood?”
“It’s not necessary. I have two feet and—”
He cut me off. “What did I say, Jessica?”
The way he was talking to me made me mad, even though I should’ve been used to it by that point. I crossed my arms over my chest and looked out the window, pretending to ignore his words.
“Don’t go getting pissed at me. It’s only because I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.”
I turned and looked at him shocked. His words were borderline sweet and I wasn’t sure if I should enjoy them or check him for a fever.
“What?” I asked.
I had to be sure I wasn’t hearing things.
Instead of answering me, he leaned across my lap, warming my legs. “It’s also why I bought you…” he opened the glove compartment. “This.”
I jerked when he set a pink gun on my lap. It was small. At first I thought it was a toy because of its color, but it was heavy—too heavy to be fake. Just having it close to me made me feel like having a panic attack.
“Sebastian…” I held my hands away from it, like it was going to bite me.
“Relax, Jessica. I’d never do anything to harm you. Do you trust that?” he asked, making a left turn.
“I don’t trust guns.”
“I understand. But do you trust me?”
I did. I trusted him with everything, except my heart, but neither had anything to do with the fact that guns scared the crap out of me.
“I need to know that when you’re not with me, you’re protected. It’s either this, or I hire someone to follow you around.” He kept his eyes on the road.
“I don’t understand you. Why are you doing this?”
He avoided my confusion, steering clear of clarifying anything. It was like I wasn’t even talking. He reached over and took the gun from my lap.
“It’s a nine millimeter. Sixteen rounds in the clip. Right now the safety’s on, but I’m taking you to learn how to shoot it.”
At that exact moment, we pulled up to a large warehouse. The sign out front said First Shot and there was a picture of a gun beneath it.
“Sebastian?” I said in a panicked whisper. “What’s going on? What are we doing here?”
“We’re facing fear, Jessica. You can do this.”
I was shaking my head before he finished. “No, I can’t. I can’t do this and I don’t want to. Don’t make me. Please, Sebastian.”
I closed my eyes and I could hear the gunshots echoing through my memory. When the actual sound of gunshots rang out, I practically jumped into his lap.
“It’s okay. You’re okay.” He rubbed my back and kissed my forehead. “Just do this for me.”
I looked up into his eyes and they were different. It was like I was with a completely different man. Where was the asshole from before? Where was the guy who showed no concern for anyone but himself? Being with him could give a girl whiplash.
Sebastian, or at least the man beside me, was begging me. It was subtle, but he was definitely begging.
He’d done so much for me and Kyle already. Of course, I had to give in return, but giving to Sebastian was one of the best things I’d ever done in my life. I just wasn’t sure I could give him this. It was so much deeper than my virginity.
It was fear—set deep in my core. I’d carried it around for twelve years, and it wasn’t like I could just wave it away and pretend like that night never happened. It was a memory---a nightmare I’d relived every day since I was younger.
I closed my eyes and silently begged ten-year-old me to take a chance. I breathed deep, letting the warmth from his hand on my knee seep into me. I can do this.
Sebastian was one of the biggest assholes I’d ever met, but I liked making him happy. I didn’t know what that said about me, and honestly, I didn’t care.
“Okay, let’s go. Just promise you’ll stay with me.”
“Of course I’ll be there. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”
His words and the way he said them caught me off guard once again, and by the look on his face, they did the same to him. He turned away from me, unbuckled his seatbelt, and opened the door.
“Let’s do this.”
Gunshots. I didn’t think I’d ever really get over the sound of them, and that’s all you heard from the minute you got out of the car. Once you were inside, it was ten times worse. They echoed off of cement block walls and with every shot, I felt my fear rise.
I followed close behind him as he walked us to a room lined with partitions. A few people were in the room, each one with their own space, and each one aiming a gun at a paper with the black figure of a man on it.
Sebastian must have paid extra because our partition had a door to it. It was big enough for five people, and it had an extra counter to set things on the right. After entering the room, Sebastian pulled out my gun and set it on the counter.
Stepping close to me, he grinned and ran his hands down my arms. “Turn around.”
He didn’t give me much room to turn and my ass rubbed against his crotch in the process. A low groan slipped past his lips. Looking up, I shook my head and rolled my eyes.
He smirked.
“Focus,” he picked up the gun and held it in front of me. “This is a gun. Like all guns, it’s deadly, but it’s not too heavy. Without this,” he said holding up the clip of bullets, “it’s just a piece of metal. Nothing to fear, right?”
He moved the end of the gun down the side of my neck and then throat. The cold metal chilled my skin and I gasped.
I needed a boost in confidence. With one of my biggest fears being rubbed against me, I needed to hear him say it was worth it.
>
“Tell me why you’re doing this again.” My voice squeaked.
“I told you. I need to know you’re safe. I’ve seen some fucked up things in my life, Jess, and I don’t want anything bad to happen to you. Okay?”
“Okay.” Hearing his words, I would have agreed to anything.
And then he shocked me by saying, “Unbutton your shirt.”
My eyes snapped toward his. “What?”
“Unbutton your shirt.”
“Why?”
“Because I said so.”
My eyes flashed to the door, but at his words, I was too turned on to really care if it was locked or not.
“Don’t worry; no one’s going to interrupt us.”
“Did you have to pay extra for that?”
“Yes. And it’s so going to be fucking worth it. Now, again, unbutton your shirt.”
He watched me as my fingers found the first button and then the second until my shirt was completely undone.
“One of the best ways to get rid of a bad memory is to replace it with a good one. You fear guns, but I’m going to make you love this one.”
His words made me shiver.
I was trembling, in a good way, before the cool end of the gun touched my stomach, moving my shirt to the side.
His eyes didn’t release mine as I felt the tip move over one nipple and then the other. They hardened in a rush and Sebastian smiled his approval.
“See?” he said smugly. “Sometimes guns can be sexual.”
“With you, everything is sexual.”
“You’re damn right, baby. Now take off your pants.”
I didn’t need him to tell me twice and I unbuttoned and let them fall down my hips and legs. He moved the gun down my stomach and used it to trace the line of my panties.
Once, twice, and then he was moving it between my things. I moaned when the hard tip caressed me through my panties, hitting the right spot. I could feel my body’s response soaking through my panties and I surprised myself when I moved my hips over the blunt tip again.
Little Black Book Page 15